How do you....
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How do you....
...find out/figure out what is holding you? I mean, I'm not going anywhere right now. I'm looking out for me, I'm taking care of my kids, and I'm "letting go" of H's responsibilities (thoughts, feelings, etc.).
So how do I find out what is still holding me to him/what is still tied to me? Why do I "freak" out when he goes to the bar, or when he's drinking again? I should be past this part....ya know? Am I still living with the "hope" that he is going to change? Or do I really love him (of course I love him, but am I in love with him?).
I realize I'm the only one who can answer this question, but I need some guidance.
He say's I'm stringing him along. I also realize those are his feelings and he is choosing to wait for me to figure out what it is that I want. I guess I feel somewhat responsible for those feelings (as far as this goes) because I am in control and I'm also the one not progressing. I do tell him exactly what I'm feeling, but I feel as if this is being drug along too far. Nothing changes if nothing changes....And nothing is changing
What do I do now?
Any suggestions will be greatly appreciated.
So how do I find out what is still holding me to him/what is still tied to me? Why do I "freak" out when he goes to the bar, or when he's drinking again? I should be past this part....ya know? Am I still living with the "hope" that he is going to change? Or do I really love him (of course I love him, but am I in love with him?).
I realize I'm the only one who can answer this question, but I need some guidance.
He say's I'm stringing him along. I also realize those are his feelings and he is choosing to wait for me to figure out what it is that I want. I guess I feel somewhat responsible for those feelings (as far as this goes) because I am in control and I'm also the one not progressing. I do tell him exactly what I'm feeling, but I feel as if this is being drug along too far. Nothing changes if nothing changes....And nothing is changing
What do I do now?
Any suggestions will be greatly appreciated.
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Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Litterbox City
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gee jess - i don't know - i stuck it out for longer than a lot would have and you know i was on the brink of separating. i've heard it said here time and time again that you will know when it's time for you to take some type of action. sorry i can't be of more help - sucks doesn't it!
hugs - christie
hugs - christie
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Thanks Christie. Yes it does.
I HAVE to figure something out. It's so hard for me to focus these days. I'm just overwhelmed with work, money, the kids, yard work, bills, groceries, house cleaning (which has been put off way too long), laundry....I got a wedding coming up, I'm the maid of honor, and I have no money for the rest of the dress or the batchelorette (sp) party! If I do get an hour to myself....I have so much cramed in my mind to think about that nothing comes out making sense. Right now, I'm lucky to get through the day. Puts a whole new spin on the meaning of "One Day at a Time".
I have to figure something out. Not just for me, but for my kids too. If he's in limbo, and I'm in limbo, then they are in limbo too. Its not fair to any of us.
I HAVE to figure something out. It's so hard for me to focus these days. I'm just overwhelmed with work, money, the kids, yard work, bills, groceries, house cleaning (which has been put off way too long), laundry....I got a wedding coming up, I'm the maid of honor, and I have no money for the rest of the dress or the batchelorette (sp) party! If I do get an hour to myself....I have so much cramed in my mind to think about that nothing comes out making sense. Right now, I'm lucky to get through the day. Puts a whole new spin on the meaning of "One Day at a Time".
I have to figure something out. Not just for me, but for my kids too. If he's in limbo, and I'm in limbo, then they are in limbo too. Its not fair to any of us.
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Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: US
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I have always found that in most situations the period after chaos is the most productive and focused.
And to deal with the chaos, I am a list maker.
Everything that is on my mind, bugging me, keeping me awake at night, things I need to do , things I worry about about etc.
I list them all.
Then I look at that list for a long time.
Then I turn it into 2 lists. The things that I can change/do something about/control and the things that I can not.
Then I take the list of things that I can not control/change or do...and I say a prayer and put it aside.
Then I turn to the other list. And I make that into 2 lists.
Things that I can do RIGHT NOW and things that I need to make a plan to do.
Then I put that 2nd list aside, for a minute.
Then I look at the list of things I can do right now. And I do it. That list is usually things like clean off my deck, meditate, abdominal crunches, feed the dogs.
When those things are done. I turn to the list of things that I can control, although not right that minute.
And one by one I figure out what I need to do to make it happen.
I usually do this when I feel like my life is falling apart and I have no direction and the wholeness of everything is crushing me into doing nothing.
After I do it, I have a plan. I can focus. The chaos is cleared a bit.
This is what works for me.
You are in my thoughts.
Jenny
And to deal with the chaos, I am a list maker.
Everything that is on my mind, bugging me, keeping me awake at night, things I need to do , things I worry about about etc.
I list them all.
Then I look at that list for a long time.
Then I turn it into 2 lists. The things that I can change/do something about/control and the things that I can not.
Then I take the list of things that I can not control/change or do...and I say a prayer and put it aside.
Then I turn to the other list. And I make that into 2 lists.
Things that I can do RIGHT NOW and things that I need to make a plan to do.
Then I put that 2nd list aside, for a minute.
Then I look at the list of things I can do right now. And I do it. That list is usually things like clean off my deck, meditate, abdominal crunches, feed the dogs.
When those things are done. I turn to the list of things that I can control, although not right that minute.
And one by one I figure out what I need to do to make it happen.
I usually do this when I feel like my life is falling apart and I have no direction and the wholeness of everything is crushing me into doing nothing.
After I do it, I have a plan. I can focus. The chaos is cleared a bit.
This is what works for me.
You are in my thoughts.
Jenny
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Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: Canada
Posts: 727
Hey Jessica,for myself,i had to make time to work recovery program,.Whether it was in reading,calling my sponsor,meetings,etc,,etc.No matter what.For myself it meant that i got up an hour earlier to go to work,.Or took time in the evening.,for meetings.i know with having kids its tuff to do.But it was vital for my recovery,to take/make time.
For myself too unless its a death or life situation,or house on fire,i don't rush into decisions,anymore.Whether,this decision that i make,is in with regards to myself personally or my family.I take my time.Work program.Pray/meditate.Talk with sponsor.Its only in my own thinking that i need to hurry up.In God,s time,not mine.As im living in program i will intutively know how to handel things that use to baffle me.Thats from AA,But its true for me in al-anon too.Live in da moment.If i need to do something,i will know,when.We were in limbo too.But i made no judgement on this time.Didnt know how things would work out.And they worked out,as of today...smile.I dont know whats holding you to him.I know that for me and my hub,we have a spiritual connection,that i refused to see,when i was judging him,and finding faults with him.When i let this go,and looked for the good,in him,i understood.
Thanks for letting me share,
God Bless you both.
For myself too unless its a death or life situation,or house on fire,i don't rush into decisions,anymore.Whether,this decision that i make,is in with regards to myself personally or my family.I take my time.Work program.Pray/meditate.Talk with sponsor.Its only in my own thinking that i need to hurry up.In God,s time,not mine.As im living in program i will intutively know how to handel things that use to baffle me.Thats from AA,But its true for me in al-anon too.Live in da moment.If i need to do something,i will know,when.We were in limbo too.But i made no judgement on this time.Didnt know how things would work out.And they worked out,as of today...smile.I dont know whats holding you to him.I know that for me and my hub,we have a spiritual connection,that i refused to see,when i was judging him,and finding faults with him.When i let this go,and looked for the good,in him,i understood.
Thanks for letting me share,
God Bless you both.
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Wow, Jen, thanks for sharing. The next time I find myself overwhelmed with responsibilities and tasks, I'm going to give that a try.
Jess, I know the feeling that "I was going no where" very well. I don't know what's holding you back, perhaps you're still not sure whether you want to end your relationship with your husband or not, but I can tell you what held me back.
It was fear. Fear that I wouldn't be able to take care of myself financially or emotionally, fear that I'd be lonely without my AB, fear that I'd never find a new partner. It was one fear after another.
But then one day I asked myself, "If I wasn't afraid, what would I do?" And the answer was clear. I would let go of a relationship that wasn't working for me, stop worrying about what would become of my boyfriend if I wasn't there to watch over him, control him, and take care of all his responsibilities, and I'd start a new life. A life that was quiet, peaceful, and predictable. A life free from chaos, lies, and manipulations. A life free from the effects of alcoholism.
And that's exactly what I did. And once I got a taste of serenity, I knew I'd never return to my old ways and I'd never return to my old life.
For two years, my friends and family told me it was time to let go, and while I knew they were right, I couldn't let go until I was ready. And like you've heard from so many others on this form, you'll know when the time is right.
For me that decision came late one night when I was in the depths of my despair. I didn't want my daughter to hear me cry, so I retreated to my bathroom, sat down, began to sob, and asked God what to do. At that moment, I felt as if I were surrounded by warmth. I felt as if God had wrapped his loving arms around me and was holding me tight. I knew then that it was no longer my responsibility to take care of my ailing boyfriend and that I wouldn't be alone. God would be with me every step of the way, picking me up when I stumbled, and reassuring me when I was afraid.
The next day, I dropped my boyfriend off at a hotel, and I drove away. And I've never looked back.
So, Jessica, let me ask you:
If you weren't afraid, what would you do?
Jess, I know the feeling that "I was going no where" very well. I don't know what's holding you back, perhaps you're still not sure whether you want to end your relationship with your husband or not, but I can tell you what held me back.
It was fear. Fear that I wouldn't be able to take care of myself financially or emotionally, fear that I'd be lonely without my AB, fear that I'd never find a new partner. It was one fear after another.
But then one day I asked myself, "If I wasn't afraid, what would I do?" And the answer was clear. I would let go of a relationship that wasn't working for me, stop worrying about what would become of my boyfriend if I wasn't there to watch over him, control him, and take care of all his responsibilities, and I'd start a new life. A life that was quiet, peaceful, and predictable. A life free from chaos, lies, and manipulations. A life free from the effects of alcoholism.
And that's exactly what I did. And once I got a taste of serenity, I knew I'd never return to my old ways and I'd never return to my old life.
For two years, my friends and family told me it was time to let go, and while I knew they were right, I couldn't let go until I was ready. And like you've heard from so many others on this form, you'll know when the time is right.
For me that decision came late one night when I was in the depths of my despair. I didn't want my daughter to hear me cry, so I retreated to my bathroom, sat down, began to sob, and asked God what to do. At that moment, I felt as if I were surrounded by warmth. I felt as if God had wrapped his loving arms around me and was holding me tight. I knew then that it was no longer my responsibility to take care of my ailing boyfriend and that I wouldn't be alone. God would be with me every step of the way, picking me up when I stumbled, and reassuring me when I was afraid.
The next day, I dropped my boyfriend off at a hotel, and I drove away. And I've never looked back.
So, Jessica, let me ask you:
If you weren't afraid, what would you do?
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Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 407
Jess -
Besides fear, I would guess alot of it is Habit. You are used to being with him. Habits are hard to break even when, or especially when, they aren't good for us!!!!!!! You can spend the rest of your life wondering what to do. I'm sure you don't want to do that. Perhaps the most important thing for you to do now is to make that list. I was scared of being on my own too. I think all of us are. In my case, I left and have never been sorry. Once you make a decision your life won't be so confusing - no matter what the decision is.
Hugs, Jo
Besides fear, I would guess alot of it is Habit. You are used to being with him. Habits are hard to break even when, or especially when, they aren't good for us!!!!!!! You can spend the rest of your life wondering what to do. I'm sure you don't want to do that. Perhaps the most important thing for you to do now is to make that list. I was scared of being on my own too. I think all of us are. In my case, I left and have never been sorry. Once you make a decision your life won't be so confusing - no matter what the decision is.
Hugs, Jo
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Thank you all. The list sounds great and making time for myself (again) sounds wonderful. But I can't seem to fit those things into my schedule. 
FD....I would like to say that I'm not afraid. I've taken care of everything for so long, I honestly don't know any different....so that is not a problem.
If I were to say I was afraid, it would be of him becoming this person I know he could become and I'm not there to share it with him. I'm afraid I'll loose out.
I keep trying to think if there is something (psychologically) there from when my parents divorced, but I can't come up with anything. I do think I need to go back to counseling, but I owe their office $40 and I don't want to go back until I can pay. There is free assistance from work, but those counselors have never been any help to me.
I've had quite a few lightbulb moments, usually to help with my serenity. But I've yet to have any about the present situation.
FD....I would like to say that I'm not afraid. I've taken care of everything for so long, I honestly don't know any different....so that is not a problem.
If I were to say I was afraid, it would be of him becoming this person I know he could become and I'm not there to share it with him. I'm afraid I'll loose out.
I keep trying to think if there is something (psychologically) there from when my parents divorced, but I can't come up with anything. I do think I need to go back to counseling, but I owe their office $40 and I don't want to go back until I can pay. There is free assistance from work, but those counselors have never been any help to me.
I've had quite a few lightbulb moments, usually to help with my serenity. But I've yet to have any about the present situation.
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FD....I would like to say that I'm not afraid. I've taken care of everything for so long, I honestly don't know any different....so that is not a problem.
Then one day, I got a call from the Doc's office. I thought they were going to ask me to bring my accont up to date. When I inquired about that, they said, "No, we're not calling about your bill. We know you'll pay us when you have the money. We just want to see you again to make sure you're OK."
So, I wouldn't let a $40.00 debt keep me from getting the help I need.
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Originally Posted by FormerDoormat
Now that I completely understand.
I appreciate that advice, maybe I will call to make an appointment.
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Hey Jess, I dont know any answers for you unfortunately being the little experience I have, just wanted to say I know destiny will make things happen in front of you all for the right reasons and I wish you the best always...
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Dakoda and Jessica: Wow! light bulb moment for me too. I think that was my reason for sticking around too. And that is still a big fear for me too. Did I give up on him too soon, maybe he will get better and stay that way this time and it's too late? I read here somewhere that we need to see what IS not what Can Be. So true.
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Join Date: Mar 2005
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Dakoda and Jessica:
I felt that way too..I also heard that from a lot of my Alanon friends..What I know if that I could not stay in an abusive relationship any longer..Alcoholics really are hard to get rid of..I think most of the time the non-alcoholic is truly the one who leaves..for me..it was not responding or getting sucked back in when he called..that's and Alanon is how I stayed away..
Today - he's still not sober..and I'm dating a wonderful new man..and I know that I made the right decision for me..
it still hurts but I'm glad I got over that fear..
I felt that way too..I also heard that from a lot of my Alanon friends..What I know if that I could not stay in an abusive relationship any longer..Alcoholics really are hard to get rid of..I think most of the time the non-alcoholic is truly the one who leaves..for me..it was not responding or getting sucked back in when he called..that's and Alanon is how I stayed away..
Today - he's still not sober..and I'm dating a wonderful new man..and I know that I made the right decision for me..
it still hurts but I'm glad I got over that fear..
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This thread is so great! I also think I stuck it out, worried that he would get better without me. Instead, he got worse and my blanket of denial was so thick I didn't see it happening.
But two years ago he actually went to rehab, shockingly enough! I started meeting at the same time and in meetings I kept saying I was there so that if he didn't get better, I would be ok. I also said I would give him two years and if life was the same or worse, I would have to end the relationship.
I realized when he lost his job at the end of July that he was getting much much worse. For two months he did nothing but binge and sleep. I knew I had to get out before the really crazy stuff started to happen. I didn't want to be there to see it. Didn't want my son to have to see it.
He got out of rehab Aug 24 2003
I left Aug 29 2005
I'm very very proud of myself!
But two years ago he actually went to rehab, shockingly enough! I started meeting at the same time and in meetings I kept saying I was there so that if he didn't get better, I would be ok. I also said I would give him two years and if life was the same or worse, I would have to end the relationship.
I realized when he lost his job at the end of July that he was getting much much worse. For two months he did nothing but binge and sleep. I knew I had to get out before the really crazy stuff started to happen. I didn't want to be there to see it. Didn't want my son to have to see it.
He got out of rehab Aug 24 2003
I left Aug 29 2005
I'm very very proud of myself!
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Hockeymom....
Your post gave me chills. That is so true about things not getting better. He may not be binging all the time, but nothing is getting better. If anything, things are staying the same with an occassional down hill slope.
Maybe I should think about a time limit and then stick to it.
Your post gave me chills. That is so true about things not getting better. He may not be binging all the time, but nothing is getting better. If anything, things are staying the same with an occassional down hill slope.
Maybe I should think about a time limit and then stick to it.
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
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Hey Jess:
You didn't come across as snotty. In fact, you've never come across that way. I should have added emphasis to my statement:
Now that I understand--meaning I was agreeing with you.
I think your idea of setting a time limit for yourself is FABULOUS!
You didn't come across as snotty. In fact, you've never come across that way. I should have added emphasis to my statement:
Now that I understand--meaning I was agreeing with you.
I think your idea of setting a time limit for yourself is FABULOUS!
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Thank you FD. You have always been very helpful to me and I couldn't stand the thought of offending you or anyone else here. (That sounded a bit CoDe, but it's said out of respect)
A time limit does sound like a good idea. I've even given it some thought
. But, I don't think I'm ready yet. Does that sound stupid?
I guess I'm still waiting for my lightbulb moment....or until I've just had enough. I guess you could say I'm somewhat in control of my situation right now. BUT I do need to spend more time focusing on me and what will make me happy...in the long run. Maybe when winter comes and there isn't so much to do it will be easier for me to do that. It is so easy to forget how miserable I've been before I asked him to move out.
A time limit does sound like a good idea. I've even given it some thought
. But, I don't think I'm ready yet. Does that sound stupid? I guess I'm still waiting for my lightbulb moment....or until I've just had enough. I guess you could say I'm somewhat in control of my situation right now. BUT I do need to spend more time focusing on me and what will make me happy...in the long run. Maybe when winter comes and there isn't so much to do it will be easier for me to do that. It is so easy to forget how miserable I've been before I asked him to move out.
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Originally Posted by Dakoda
And isn't that also the hidden fear that if we let them go before that happens, then by some miracle they DO change and become the person that we once fell in love with, it will be too late. They'll be out of our lives!! We'll lose out, like you said!
The person I fell in love with is exactly how he is today. How scarey is that. I feel in love with a dream...not reality. What the h@ll did I fall in love with? Oh, CoDeness. I THOUGH I COULD FIX HIM and mold him into the person I KNEW he could become. I don't think I've ever accepted him for who he really is. So....I'm afraid I'm going to lose my dream of him becoming the person I KNOW he can become. AND HE PLAYS ON THAT EMOTION...AH LIGHTBULB
Man, I am messed up. 
The ONLY thing that I feel has changed about him is that he has a more positive outlook on life. He used to be so dark in his way of thinking. He hated everyone, still does for the most part. But I think him having the kids has given him a reason to "lighten up" and not be so depressed....blah blah blah. I'm not going to make excuses for him......
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