FormerDoormat

Doesn't sound stupid to me, just honest. You'll know if and when you're ready for a change.

Beautiful

A limit is a good idea. I think the thing you lose the most when living in an alcoholic situation is your sense of self. It took me months to really regroup because the boundary lines were so vague or extended to the point where I couldn't see them. Take a breath and put one foot in front of the other. Regardless of the circumstance, you will have to grieve this relationship even if it someday comes back. You've lost something very valuable to you. You've taken the hard step by choosing a different lifestyle. It will take a while to decide in what direction the next foot should choose. You can do it. I know you can.

HockeyMom

Jess, all I can say is when the lightbulb moment happened for me I WAS BLINDED!!!!!

I spent 7 crazy yrs trying to deal or just cope with this. In all honesty, when I made that promise to myself 2yrs ago I probably didn't really believe I would do it. Could just be a coincidence that he had declined so much in the past 6months and then BOOM 2weeks ago, THAT WAS IT FOR ME! I left and left for good. All my stuff is out of the house and in storage until I can get a place.

Until the lightbulb moment happens, it's important to work your program, go to F2F meetings and prepare yourself emotionally. Even while I was doing all that I was still telling myself maybe I didn't really have to leave

TexasGirl

I think Jojo nailed the reason why a whole other group of us stays -- and I had a bit of a light bulb moment when I read her post -- HABIT. I can't say that I keep waiting for him to be the person he was when we met. Although he was sweeter at that time, he drank like crazy then too. I just had never known an A, and I thought he was just so much fun. Duh. I have been realizing lately that I think I love him because he's my husband, not just because I love him. I can't say with certainty that I stay out of habit, but that's good food for thought.

Jessica, whether it's the fear of not being with him if/when he changes or something totally different like living in a habit, I know a lot of us can't figure out why on earth we stay in these relationships. But for now, we do. I think everyone is right...we'll know when/if it's right to go. I hate that answer as much as you do...

Savana 54

Very well put Dakoda!! What you wrote above pertains to me so much. I honeslty don't think I can accept my xabf for who he truly was. In turn thats why I would get so mad, yell, scream, become extremely frustrated with him! I wanted him to be the person he sometimes is all the time; the caring person beneath all the lies, dishonesty, and drinking.

I just had another light bulb moment there, Dakoda. Thanks!

Aquiana

I think most relationships are built on a dream in the beginning though. That's "puppy love". Everyone has their best feet forward and I think everyone has an idea on where and how the relationship should progress. I don't think that's anything to be ashamed of. It seems that in most normal relationships though when all that falls away most people find other things they love about each other and they adjust to the things they didn't expect. For me I just thing what I didn't expect was far more horrible than I ever could have imagined and I can't adjust to it.

I fell in love with the same person I have now too. I chose to believe what he showed me even though I had an idea it wasn't true. I'm on the boat with everyone who said they stay for fear of losing what could be. When abf was sober for several months it was awesome and it's hard to forget how wonderful it would be if he did it again.

I hope you find some time for yourself. Making list is of things to do and prioritizing them is a really good idea. Is there anyone who can look after your kids even for an afternoon? How about even an hour for a good soak in a bubble bath? Even a tiny bit of time for you would probably make a huge difference.

Take care of yourself.

JessicaNAJ

None taken

Thank you all for your help. The last two days have been crazy for me. Run here, run there, do this, do that. Work has been extremely stress full. And having anxiety issues does not help. But, the good thing is.....It's getting darker earlier so there is less time after work to do things and I can get the kids in earlier (which allows me more time to do indoor things).

I'm calming my mind and don't feel so overwhelmed. Like Beautiful said, "put one foot in front of the other".

I am going to try harder to focus on what is and not what can be!