wish4someday

It's been a bit since I've been here. . . not sure why. Probably anything that I would say now would just be an excuse other than I just want to escape from all of this.

Not sure where I left off last time, but my AH has been in the hospital twice in the past 3 months because he was literally on a constant drunk, couldn't function and was throwing up blood. Each stay at the hospital was 4 days long until he was through the detox enough where he could keep food down and his blood count (??) was at a decent enough level where they would release him. After both releases, it only took him 7 days before he was back into at least beer. He's in total denial. . . thinking that the reason why he was in the hospital was because of a bleeding ulcer. He doesn't understand the fact that it was caused by his uncontrollable drinking.

[[ the venting begins ]]
WHY AM I STILL HERE? Why can't I let go? I have so much bitterness towards him and he's just oblivious to everything that alcohol has done to our family. I'm so tired of having my life revolve around this. We're so detached from eachother. I hate coming home and I hate having to protect my daughter from this awful disease. I'm usually pretty good about detaching myself from the situation and doing good things for myself and not focusing on the disease but sometimes I get so overwhelmed. I've told myself over and over and over again that if he takes one more drink, I'm leaving. But I always find a reason to stay. WHY?

My daughter said to me the other day "we need to find a new daddy so this daddy doesn't make you sad anymore". I totally thought I hid all my feelings from her. She shouldn't feel like this about her dad. I know she's not stupid. . . but I tried to hard to protect her from all of this!

Sometimes I get so scared. The doctor, during the last visit to the hospital, wrote in my husbands chart that he needed to stop drinking immediately! (with three exclamation marks!). What exactly did that mean? If he continues drinking beer, what may happen? How do I know how bad his condition is? How much more will his body take?

I just feel all messed up and I want everything to be better so bad. . . so bad that it's sometimes unbearable.

I guess I'm done venting. I guess I keep telling myself that I can deal with the situation. . . maybe I don't understand as much as I thought I did. If only I knew then what I know now. . .

THX for listening.

finedivasoc

You're post is so bittersweet. I have damp eyes. I will pray for you.

Pick-a-name

(((wish))) oh.........I hear you; I feel like a basket-case; really! Like my son said the other day; "I just want to slap him and jar his brain into thinking!". Yes; I do know that feeling. lalaland........I even wish for being there myself!

I am sure now how the Wailing Wall got its name......I've been crying out to God hoping He is the only one who hears me. I worry sometimes that I may indeed be the crazy one in the group. A/H has just about everyone around him convinced it's "not him".

Cap3

My prayers are with you and your family,
God Bless,you all.

FriendofBill

Because your affected by the family disease of alcoholism and you have not yet sought recovery, maybe?

You have choices and options. YOu can choose to live a different way, you dont have to live this way.

Protect or hide in secrecy? Why hide it? Its the truth that Daddy has a disease that we cant understand and makes him do bad things.

See #1 above
Again, protecting or secrecy? She knows, she may not have the name alcoholism, but she knows.

Pick-a-name

Thanks FoB..that helps! Way to cut to the chase...I like it!

FaithChaser

Hey Wish,

I don't have any wise things to say just that I'm praying for you. I know what it feels like to feel "all messed up" for sure. I also know what it feels like to try to ignore the problems and I'm doing a great job of that for certain. I have to right now to focus on myself so is that a bad thing? I dunno... Anyway, keep coming in here and giving us updates on what's going on.

HUGE HUGS,
~Faithchaser