mamawolf

I have been with my husband for 9 years, since I was 17 and he was 24. He has always drank and from the time we got together he has always said that no one can change him and for the longest time I didn't care. I spent 4 years waiting up till he got home and crying about it. I started to want to change things and leave but ended up pregant. So I Stayed and after I had a complated twin pregancy I thought things were kind of getting better. I didn't think he had changed once and A always an A. But he was actually making the choice to not drink and put me and my girls before his drinking. At his encouragment I did not go back to work and stayed home for the last 4.5 years untill my girls just started school this week. And for the last 4 years I have been putting up with him coming and going as he pleased getting home some nights at 4 in the morning. I have always told my self that once my girls were in school I would not put up with this anymore. And I actually told him the other night when he got home at 5am that I couldn't do it anymore that he was making me dead inside living like this day after day. I was proud of my self for saying it because It is nothing that I have every admitted to anyone but my best friend. And of course he was drunk so he got mad at me and turned it around to be my fault, and didn't act like he even remembered when he got up at noon the next day. I want to leave him but it is so hard because of the guilt I feel for even thinking about it. I just can't live like this that much longer. I feel like cheating just to get caught so he makes me leave so it is not me leaving because of his drinking. Because he always says You knew who I was when we got together. I know i rambled alot but had to get it out I have been reading the fourms for almost two months know and couldn't get it out at least it didn't take another 9 years!!

susane1408

Glad you managed to 'get it out' now Mama wolf
Welcome to SR!
Keep on with the reading and posting, you'll find lots of good advice here from people in your situation.
Someone is bound to be along soon.
Take care of you.

walkingtheline

Welcome, welcome!

Good for you! You set a goal, you've reached your self-imposed deadline and now you're trying to figure out your next step.

I have several suggestions. First, if you have not found your local Al-anon, I urge you to do so. There's so much wisdom shared at those meetings! And, since you were married at 17, you might want to consider some schooling. If you were to choose to leave your H, you'd have the knowledge and skills to support you and your twins in comfort.

I'm so glad you've decided to join us and post, I am looking forward to getting to know you!

cwohio

mamawolf - welcome! i was with my AH for almost 15 years (married) and another 6 before that. i didn't get the chance to leave, was pondering it - but he passed away suddenly last week. all those feelings you are feeling - yep - been there, done that! i was dying a slow death and so was he - we had become virtual strangers in the last 6 months - just physically living together. get YOURSELF help now whether you stay or go. you won't regret it!

angelbythesea

Hi & welcome. You and I share the almost exact same sad situation. I have three children and they are all very young. My oldest doesn't go to school for 1 more year. This situation has been the hardest thing I have ever experienced in my life. I too wait up many a night wondering where he is, if he will get a DUI, hit someone in their car and hurt them...the list goes on and on and on. Addicts ALWAYS have an uncanny ability to turn things around on someone else. It almost makes me laugh when he finds a way to get angry over a situation HE caused while I was at home with our children being the responsible parent. Don't feel alone...you aren't. I have cried many a night while he was out..and it is a VERY SCARY & LONELY feeling. I don't have any friends or family that really live close and that makes it even worse. If you send me a pm I can send you my email so we can write to each other...strength in numbers right? Either way, please know that coming here has really helped me mentally..which was really needed. I hope it will do the same for you. Take care!

skinner

(((((Mamawolf)))))

Welcome to SR!! As the others have stated, there is so much to learn from this forum.

I know from my personal situation, my ex wasn't an alcoholic, but he was abusive and he cheated on me. I felt EXACTLY how you feel. I was a full-time stay at home mom of a 2 yr old with another on the way when I discoverd his adultry. I felt stuck.....how could I leave with no job, and 2 little ones who need their daddy.....and ME who needed to NOT be alone? So, we stayed together and got marriage counseling.

Well, after a VERY short while, he decided I should just "get over it"......and he started to go out with "the guys" and not come home until 4 or 5 am. And he too would turn every hurtful thing he did to me around to make it my fault. He too took no responsibility for his own actions and preferred the "blame game".

It took me a little over 2 years to realize I WAS a good person, I DID deserve love, respect and consideration, I did NOT need to put up with the situation as it was any longer. We tried counseling again and he just was not ready to take any responsibility AGAIN, and the verbal and mental abuse (never actually hit me, just threw things and the like) continued. So, I finally needed to leave........and we divorced.

I am by NO means suggesting you leave him. You need to do what is best for YOU. What I AM trying to convey is that you need to take care of YOU. Get to a meeting, keep reading and posting here, do whatever you need to do to take care of YOU. Taking care of ourselves is NOT something to feel guilty about, it is survival!!

Your little ones need you to be the best you can be!!

Take care of YOU and I send you many hugs!!!

Cynay

Wow.... cant add anything to that last post.

Just wanted to give you a welcome and tell you to keep coming back... we have all been there!

Aquiana

Welcome Mamawolf! Doesn't it feel good to get it out. There's so much healing that starts from just letting it go to someone. I hope you're started on your path to recovery. Keep talking.

nocellphone

Welcome to SR, mamawolf...

I want to honor the courage you've shown in sharing your situation with us, and I hope you'll give Al-Anon a try. You'll find an amazing amount of support in those meetings as you find your way through these troubled times.

I wish you peace...

mamawolf

I would like to thank you all so much for your replys. I find there are days that I can spend the whole day sitting in front of the computer and get lost in reading all the posts. With every post and reply I read I am learning so much more about myself and finding that I am not the only one going through this. That helps me more than anything else at this point. Thank you again!!!