GoodnStrong

Hi All:

Just a short intro; have been viewing the site here for about 2 weeks - since I broke-off my engagement to my exAF. It has truly given me support and courage over these last few weeks, but I still need more!

In a 'nutshell':

ExF has had a drinking problem since I met him (7 years ago). We have been engaged for the last 2 years (commitment as been an ongoing issue as well with him). His alcohol use has escalated in the last 4 months as well as his abusive/agressive behaviour. This culminated about 2 weeks ago, following a day/night (actually like 4day/5night) drinking binge - he began raging at how I had 'ruined' his life and RIGHT IN FRONT OF MY SISTER, FRIENDS AND CO-WORKERS (at a dinner party at my home), slapped me upside the head 3 times while telling me how worthless I was.

Needless to say - THAT was the last straw. I left my home, (he refused to leave our shared residence), filed an Oder of Protection with the court and had him served and removed from the house 2 days later.

Bottom line - I thought that would be the end of it, I mean come ON - I ruined his life, he 'doesn't want to be married', etc.

Fast forward to yesterday - his court appearance and a chance to argue the validity of the OOP, etc. I was certain he wouldn't even show. How WRONG was I?

ExAF shows up to the hearing with his Mother (from CA) whom I love and admire with all my heart. He tells the judge that he won't argue the Order of Protection (OOP) that he agrees it should stand. He then tells the judge that he knows he has a problem w/ alcohol and will be seeking help. He has his mother there to support him in this endeavor. (and I know she will, she is a no nonsense kind a gal). He said that he hasn't had a drink in the last 10 days. The judge pinned him down to the kind of help (AA etc), he said that he was seeking a psychologist that dealt w/ addictive disorders and would be seeing him/her this week. Then tells the judge how wrong he was, how sorry he is and that he loves me w/ all his heart and wants to be with me always.

Allllllrighty then.........

Took everything in my soul NOT to tell the judge to just forget the whole thing! But I held strong. I asked that until he show 'proof' of his 'recovery' efforts I wouldn't even think about quashing the order. She agreed. We are to meet weekly w/ his psychologist and then re-eval the OOP in 6 months.

My question (and any added advice is more than welcome) - I do love him, when he is NOT drinking he is wonderful person, however those times have been few and far between lately. What should I do? Should I leave him, let him deal w/ the problem, should I help him through this, if I do help him will he just relapse again in a few months or years. DO I WANT TO GO THROUGH THIS EMOTIONAL ROLLER COASTER FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE????

Help me, please I need ALL the advice and words of wisdom and experience you choose to give!!!!!

JennyK

I can tell you this story...

Tonight my husband had a bender. He planned it, arranged for it and executed it with "grace"...meaning that he told me what he was going to do and made sure that he did not need to be responsible for anything, he had his car parked in the garage, his butt parked in the basement and his cooler of beer parked next to him in the rec room in the basement. I shut the basement door and went on with my night.

On his way up to bed, after about 24 beers, he said to me "I bet you wish you never married me".

I said "Good night, I love you".

No, I don't wish I never married him. I was young when we met...22. I was a party girl. I was in love with his spirit, his humor, his life force, his whole entire being. He was the GUY! The one who drew people to him and I was the lucky enough to be drawn the closest. I loved this boy.

I still love the man. The soul of goodness is still in him.

The disease of alcoholism torments him.

The anxiety that comes with loving an alcoholic torment me.

Would I do it again, knowing the spirits of my children...I would do it again a million times over.

It is a Monday Night Quarterback question.

I imagine anyone who still loves their alcoholic partner is going to say that they have more good than bad, that they are still hopeful, that they know that things will be OK in the end whatever the ultimate outcome. They keep on keeping on.

I imagine most people here with children with their alcoholic spouses would never say they would not do it all over again...the spirits of children are too sacred to even fathom that. However, I imagine they are often very anxious for so many reasons.

I imagine most people who are no longer in love with and have no children with their alcoholic partners will tell you to run like hell the other direction.

I have a husband who I love and children who I cherish and a life that I can live with...for this moment.

I wish for you peace in your thoughts and an outcome that brings you no regrets.

AND the strength and smarts and resources to ask the REAL questions.


Jenny

CarolD

Congratulations on not messing around with the COP.

It is my obsebation and experience that abuse only increases.
My husband slapped me and I stayed.
The followiing week he punched me...I left.

I am an alcoholic in AA recovery.
There is no way to say his drinking will not return if/when he gets sober.

Only 5 per cent of those seeking recovery stay continiously sober for over 2 years.

Al anon is the place where I found support for family members addictions.

Blessings...

Kellye

Newbie

I am not expert BELIEVE ME my husband just threw me for a loop recently.

However, I do no one thing, the words "when he is NOT drinking he is wonderful person," make me very nervous. I think you are right to stick with the request that he show proof of his recovery. Six months is not a long time to hold off on making a decision, when you plan to spend the rest of your life with someone.

This may be the incident that causes him to make the decision to change, for good, but it's up to him to do it! Take care of yourself first!

Good luck and best wishes

nocellphone

Welcome to SR, GoodnStrong...

First, let me say that I honor your courage in opening up here about what is certainly a painful time you're going through. I've learned that a problem shared becomes half a problem...

My best suggestion, as it always is to people dealing with someone else's alcoholism, is to give Al-Anon a try. There's nothing to be lost and everything to be gained by going to some Al-Anon meetings and hearing how others deal with similar (and often the same) issues in their lives. I haven't found anyplace else, outside of this site, that gives me the help and hope Al-Anon has given me in learning to cope with the deadly disease of alcoholism and the effects it's had on me. While I love SR, the face-to-face interaction I get in Al-Anon is an invaluable part of my recovery process.

Whether the people I care about stay sober or continue to use has become less and less my business. Today, my business is me and how I will get through the next twenty-four hours, whether the alcoholics are still drinking or not. Today I don't need to let myself be affected by the choices and behaviors of others...

Savana 54

My first post was similiar to yours. A lot of people told me to RUN RUN RUN!!! You cannot "help" him through this. He needs to do it himself. If you enable him and never allow him to hit bottom, he will never reach the point he needs to be at to want to get help for himself.

The three C's you learn is that-YOU didn't Cause it, YOU can't Cure it, and YOU can't Control it.

I lived with my xabf for almost three years. The majority of that time he was sober, because at first, I had no clue he was an alcoholic.The reason he finally got to an AA meeting was because I threatned to leave him back then. After about a year, he relapsed and relapsed, never to find his way back. I finally had enough of the lies, and kicked him out. Still to this day, he blames ME for everything. When in all actuality, a lot of our problems steamed from his drinking problem.

Good luck and Welcome to SR!!

FormerDoormat

Well, since you asked. Leave him, and don't ever look back. And this advice is coming from a woman who lived with an alcoholic for 23 years, a woman who loves him as much today as I did when I first met him. A woman who cherishes her child and the life she had with her alcoholic, until there were NO good days left. Until there was no semblane of the man I once knew. Until he made my life miserable. Until he made my daughter's life miserable.

Like Jenny's husband, he told me he loved me everyday, and he, too, is a kind and caring man. But ultimately that wasn't enough to hold things together. You see, alcoholism is a progressive disease, and each of the alcoholics in our lives is in a different stage of the disease. Some are far more advanced than others. My ex-boyfriend has been drinking for 45 years. I rarely see a glimpse of the man he used to be these days. In fact, that man is long gone.

Your situation is different. You aren't married yet. You don't have children with this man. So why enter into a relationship that isn't healthy, that ultimately will cause you so much pain? If life with an alcoholic is so rosey, then why are we all here? We're here because our lives have become unmanageable due to our loved ones' struggle with alcoholism. We each ended up here after many sleepless nights, after many desperate days.

Just because I lost hope and ended my relationship with my alcoholic boyfriend does NOT mean that I no longer love him. Twenty-three years is a long time to hope someone will get well. My hope simply ran out. My love for him didn't.

Those who struggle with the disease of alcoholism tend to follow the same path: either they stop drinking and actively work a life-long recovery program, or they die from the disease. Take a look around this forum. Those who's partners have reached long-term sobriety are few and far between.

minnie

Hi there and welcome to SR. Glad you stopped being a lurker and jumped in to join us.

Tricky situation and one I never had to face, because my ex fiance didn't get into recovery. However, I did have to think this one through, just in case. I learned here to pay attention to the actions and not to the words. And for me, it was healthier not to do that within the relationship. That way, I was going to be OK whatever happened. And boy, am I glad I made that decision because whilst on the one hand my ex was declaring undying love for me and committment to AA, he was meeting women from an on-line dating site. Lining up the next victim. Now, that is not recovery behaviour, imho.

If you are not done with this relationship (and even if you are), I would concentrate on YOU, whether through al-anon or a counsellor. Fill your time by concentrating on getting yourself healthy and leave him to do the same. If you are both in a better place in, say, 6 months, then make a decision then. I would also suggest going to some open AA meetings - I have found them invaluable in learning how to recognise true recovery, instead of just quacking.

Good luck!

reader

My gut reaction is to tell you to run!! After marriage and children are added to the mix things become very complicated. Leaving at that point becomes very difficult. I would want years of soberity before I would ever marry an alcoholic and even then there are no garantees. All I can say is that life with an alcoholic is never easy. I'm going on 15 years with my AH. If I could do things over I would make very different decisions. Welcome and keep coming back!!! Kerry

Cap3

Welcome GS,are you going to Al-Anon?Its for the family and friends of alcoholics,for their own recovery,with the family disease,alcoholism.As your growing in recovery,you will be then better able to make clearer decisons for yourself.Its great that i share with others,.For this helps me to get all that "stuff" out of me.Its great to ask for advice also.The wisdom of others.As you can see you will get as many different experiences/opinions,as,there are folks,to share,them.This was very confusing to me..So,i,remained open.Letting go.As im living/applying program, in my life,,i, eventually know what is the right path for me,through prayer/meditation..Then,.Folks seem to come into my life,then to help me,.Or situations are brought up,that give me access,for help.
This is how it works for me,
Thanks for letting me share,
God Bless,take care!!!!!!!!!..........Keep on keeping on!!!!

TexasGirl

Hi GnS -
Of course no one can tell you what you should do, but I can tell you how I feel, and maybe it will help you make a decision about your future. I didn't realize that my husband was an A until we had been married three years. I had never known an A, and the two of us partied a lot through college. It was just this past February that I started to realize that his behavior wasn't normal and he wasn't "growing up" like I thought he would with me. I can tell you this -- I loved that man so much. But if I could go back, I would not have married him. Plain and simple. This just isn't the life I imagined for myself. I am fortunate that we do not have children. I know that would make it even harder to leave, but even the words "I do" change things so much. It's very hard to end a marriage. Not to say that it's not hard to end a long-term relationship period, but I can't get past the fact that I stood up in a church before God and my entire family and swore to stay by his side forever. The relapse statistics speak for themselves. Good luck.

brdlvr2

I admire you for sticking up for yourself. I met my xabf three years ago. A sweet, caring, sensative man. He to this day calls and tells me he loves me. But I had to let him go. During the 3 years I"ve known him he has been homeless, in and of jail, through detox and rehab, mostly jobless or low paying under the table type of work etc. He is now literally drinking himself to death. Ends up in the hospital everytime he drinks due to his health. He has lied, stolen from my family and turned into a mean, foul mouthed man when drinking. Back in the beginning the signs of his alcoholism and dysfunction were there, but I ignored them. We have no kids or ties together yet I stuck around for 3 long, stressful, years. Until recently, when I was at my point, nobody could tell me what to do. They couldn't understand, nor could I, why I just wouldn't or could't get this man out of my life once and for all. This site, and now al anon and good old time and praying is what helped me.

Good luck, get help for yourself and watch his Actions not Words.

equus

What I feel about alcoholism is one thing, what I feel about violence is another.

I love my hubby with every ounce of me, every molecule - he's sober over a month now and has been getting help. I'm utterly glad I stayed.

BUT I wouldn't stay if drunk or sober he had abused me. That isn't about what will happen tomorrow it's about WHO I want to be with. Alcohol reduces inhibition, reduces an individuals control over immediate impulse but it can't provide or create a 'seperate' personality - it's the same person without the self control or inhibitions.

Some people when blasted tell everyone and anyone they love them. Some pain in the bum drunks just want to hug the world and his wife. Some cry. Some head off alone. Not all are violent or abusive.

Minx1969

Welcome GoodnStrong!

First of all, congrats on the courage to stick to the OOP..As Dakoda pointed out, violence and abuse is a separate issue from alcoholism..To me, if they hit you once they will do it again.

In my personal opinion there are few things you need to do for you..The first is: either go to therapy or Alanon or both..You need to learn more about the disease of alcoholism so you know what you are up against..and you need to figure out why you put up with this behavior in the first place.

Since I live in Chandler I'd be happy to meet you at a meeting if you don't want to go it alone..There's some really good meetings I attend in Tempe..I think by going to some meetings you can see for yourself what alcoholism is really about..

Since you asked for an opinion - I would leave his recovery to him for 6 months..you are right to see if he is really willing or not..if he is serious about his recovery, he will need to focus on him for a while..he may not be a very pleasant person to be around when he is not drinking..give him the space to get sober..you can't really be around him now with the OOP so give him the time to truly get his act together..

Let me share my experience: I came into Alanon about 14 months ago because I was with yet another alcoholic boyfriend..My (now exABF) said he had a drinking problem and wanted my help..well I was willing to be supportive..I started to go to Alanon..he kept drinking..we broke up after a few months..I think he is still drinking..I loved this man with all my heart but it was a twisted abusive relationship..If I had married him and had kids, i would have ended up doing it alone..

Today I'm dating a wonderful caring supportive man who is not an alcoholic..I have a wonderful support group in Alanon (yes I still go) and my life is much calmer and happier..

Anyway, just PM if you want to go to a meeting.

Del

GoodnStrong

Wow! I am truly pleased and amazed at the responses and support that have been offered to me here on the SR site.

First to all of you: THANK YOU SO MUCH - all of your feedback is so very helpful. All of your viewpoints are so valid and certainly have given me a way to look at this situation I maybe wouldn't have thought of. .appreciate ALL the advice and collective knowledge. This situtation is new to me; never have dealt w/ alcoholism so closely before.

Amazing isn't it, how in these first few weeks of 'critical' time, after our breakup and seperation, it seems the situation changes daily....makes it so hard to think straight.

Here is what I have gleaned from all of your responses, and again - please feel free to comment:

I need to focus on ME. Just ME. Not my exF, not his problems, mine. What is it in ME that has allowed me to get into this situation in the first place? Hmmmmm. ....gonna take some reflection.

That being said; I KNOW I did the right thing with calling the police, w/ the OOP, etc. YOU WOULDN'T BELIEVE HOW MANY PEOPLE THINK I OVER-REACTED TO THE SITUATION!!! I am amazed at the LACK of support from his family (of course, expected) as well as members of MINE (completely unexpected)!!!!! Yikes!! Basically the attitude has been that I should have just 'put up with it' and gone on w/ my life. WHAT?????

His violence and agression has only gotten worse these last few months -
escalated w/ each incidence. I am a SMART girl, I GET IT - it isn't gonna stop - it has only gotten worse. God forbid I should be in this situation YEARS from now.

Yes Dakoda - you read correctly - WE were (WERE) to go to counseling....after reading your post I think it would be inappropriate for me to attend, especially right now. He needs to go and deal w/ this issue on his own.....here is where I doubt that he will keep it up.

So here's the hardest part of it all; I do love him, however reading your posts has helped me to see that that might not be 'enough'. Add to that the fact that I am now Public Enemy #1 w/ friends and relatives......pretty hard to take. I am confident in my position - now how to communicate that to those individuals??? Not that I feel that any of them need an explanation - but of course this is huge news - him moving out, us spliting up.....they feel like they 'didn't see it coming' and that I should have asked for help from his family BEFORE it got to this point. ?

Why is this all of a sudden MY problem?

Keep the advice coming - please, I feel like this site is my only connection to reality right now......I can see now why maybe the 'runaway' bride did what she did.....pretty big challenge to face what I am now!!!

minnie

Hi hon. What kind of help are these people thinking they could have given? Do they think they have the power to stop him drinking? If they didn't see it coming then they probably wren't looking hard enough. It's not your problem - I would imagine they are a bit peeved that it has suddenly become THEIR problem. Again?

Yes, focussing on you is the way to go. Think of the big picture - the bigger the better. There is a whole world out there for you and many people to meet. It doesn't have to revolve around one person who can't deal with life on life's terms.

Take care, sweetie.

Minx1969

Yup and probably some therapy as well..as I can attest to (and if you read the postings) we repeat our patterns..

sounds like denial runs deep on both sides..it is a FAMILY disease. Good for you for being strong..you will get plenty of support here..What you did was right FOR YOU!! This is your life and violence and abuse is not an option! There's a great book I read recently "Why does he do that?" it's all about abusive men..

Unfortunately it is not..The problem is not our love for them..it's that they love the alcohol more then anything or anyone..

It's not if you don't let it be..your only problem is figuring out how to heal yourself..

As for the family and unsupportive friends, well..there's not much you can do..Tell them it was not the type of relationship you wanted to be in any more and leave it at that..you don't owe anyone an explaination..(although it may feel that way)..

Hang in there!

-Del