pmaslan

I really applaud Savanah for being so honest in her recent post. I too continue to take and make calls to my exA. Don't ask me why I still deal in the insanity but I do....so sad to say. Even though I work a program, pray to my HP, surround myself with positive people, I too still feel the need to talk to him.

I will go as far as saying that on Monday, he even asked if he could come home, I said yes...do you believe that. 3 months of peace and I want to bring the craziness back into my home. Well, my HP had the power to intercept it, because I haven't heard from my ex since....
Tomorrow is my Bday...I think I was feeling lonely and sorry for myself and just needed or thought I needed to have him back with me...messed up thinking, I know it is....
He said he has been sober over 2 months, sounded reasonable on the phone, actually enjoyed talking to him. He said I will call you back this evening (Monday evening) haven't heard a word since....I don't know, maybe he relapsed....maybe he got cocky thinking..."yeah, she'll take me back, I can do whatever I want"...and then went on a binge...who knows just speculation on my part. But it would not surprise me at all. All I can say is something stronger than me IS looking out for me ....again....

When Savanh said the guy she used to know (the good guy) is long gone.....got me thinking about my ex.
Minnie's quote: "Was he? Or was that the mask he put on to entice you to be his enabler?:
Remembering something my ex said to me really makes me consider this.
Conversation with ex Monday:
ex: "you really had no idea how much I drank when you met me did you?
Me: I had a good idea but didn't really consider it because I was in my own world at the time with my own issues...
ex: "I really did a good job of hiding it from you and hiding my problems."
Me: " I suppose so, but if I wasn't as sick as I was at the time ....I would never have considered you..."
ex: " I thought you were going to be my saviour..."
Me: " and I you..."
So as you can see I set myself up for all of this from day one....he was never as nice as I thought he was, we were never healthy together, it is something that truely should never have been....
I think as we get healthier we realize these things....I do feel healthier now...
so what the heck is wrong with me to keep these lines of communication open with a man like that....I continue to be a work in progress, but the wheels are square!!!!!!!
Sorry this is so long.....just needed to share
Love, Patty

cwohio

oh patty - i hope you think long and hard on this and go with your gut. i will pray for you to make the best decision for you!

hugs - christie

Savana 54

NO! NO! NO! pmaslan! LOL! YOU deserve so much more!! If I can do this, so can you. And I tend to be pretty weak when it comes to my xabf.

We can get through this together..I know things will look better down the road, after we get through missing them.

Hang in there! You're doing great!!!

Big ((((((((((hugs))))))))))

Savana

Gabe

Patty, it is amazing what we will do to stay within the familiar.
Even if the familiar isn't good.
Unfortunately, this doesn't promote change in our lives.
And many of us wish for our SO addict/alcoholic to "become the person they once were".
That is magical thinking at it's finest, and it rarely happens without an immense amount of work and time.
Tomorrow is your birthday.
You deserve to have the best day you possibly can.
It is within your power to make that happen.
I'm hoping to hear that you had a wonderful day, with or without your ex.
I mean it.

pmaslan

I read posts from others like the this one I wrote and think "OMG what is wrong with you, you have come so far, what the heck happened!"
As I re-read my post I can only say that I am like an A, I have and will have relapses, until I get more recovery time under my belt. I have about 9 months in it and I know it takes much longer for some of us, this is so true for me.
But.....as long as I keep working the program, looking to my HP I will be ok. After all he hasn't called me back and he isn't home with me. Each time he mind f#@ks me I get a little stronger, things become clearer. I am convinced that my HP keeps throwing in a wrench to help me see the light.
Just having a little "i'm getting older" wah wah wah kind of week....I will be ok....I will be ok....I WILL be ok.
Love, Patty

Minx1969

Patty,

You WILL be OK..Do something nice for yourself on your birthday right?? I used to plan dinner parties for myself on my b-day so I didn't have to be alone (my exABF and I never spent 1 birthday together in the 3 years I knew him...)

Keep working your program..you are doing great..

hugs,

Minx

pmaslan

Minx....you were reading my mind girlfriend...
A friend called to suggest dinner tomorrow, next thing you know another called,
I called another we have a table for 6 as we speak. It is a Winery with a Comedy Club, none of the friends are A's well maybe one drinks a little too much but the rest of us will do nicely with a glass of wine or two....
Funny you said that, I never spent my bday with my ex either....hmmmm
Love, Patty

pmaslan

Savana....thanks for the encouragement, sometimes I just go completely mental!!!
(((hugs to you too)))
Love, Patty

Cynay

Strange... I wonder if A's have some allergy to B-Days.... Mine was pretty much missing in action both times too!

I think you will know when your ready... and I did the same thing and your right, every single time he let me down, hurt me, did not call or told me he was in love with someone else just gave me the distance I needed. Guess he got tired of the game he was playing with me because I have not shared one word with him in 4 months!!!!!! Wooohooo. Of course he has shown up at a couple of my meetings but I delt with it and we did not talk.

Dont be so hard on you! Take yourself out to dinner with friends, pamper yourself and enjoy life. He just wanted to know he still had a hold on you and a backup plan is all, and you just needed one more confirmation.

splendra

Hey-

I did A lot of really stupid stuff: I kicked my H out then lost my home, then moved in with him then, I left him then, he lost his place and was homeless for a while, then I had him arrested, and after that I let him move back in then he went to Miami and I let him come back and after a little while he went back to Miami then I went down there then we came back together while all these things were happening there were phone calls almost everyday. I feel like the queen of codieness my description is leaving out some very horrendous details.

So even if you can top me don't beat yourself up love is a powerful force

Happy birthday btw...

pmaslan

Cynay & Splendra....

Thanks I am feeling a little better....
Cynay I realize I am "Plan B"
Plan A is exactly that "A"lcohol
Everytime he calls he asks if I have someone new in my life....(yeah right, I am soooo ready to jump into the frying pan...") He always says "I don't want anyone, nor am I involved with anyone else, I love

Splendra, I bet you and I could have a real spitting match with our stories on how many times we did this, how many times we did that.... sometimes, I'm not so sure i'ts even love at all....how can it be? Love is't supposed to feel like this, or is it? LOL

Thanks for all your support....I appreciate it
Love, Patty

Minx1969

Funny..my exABF did the same thing..Wonder if they have a manual?

We all do it..I can't remember how many times I went back and forth..until I found Alanon and a kick ass sponsor and the desire to not go back..As my sponsor always tells me: we control the amount of pain we are in..I finally got it..I don't pick up that phone..I knew it would hurt..

Focus on you and enjoy your birthday.

-Del