CodeMaster

hahaaa...

thanks for being direct, i guess girls would know girl talk best, i found it interesting how more then one person seem to have red flags rise when she said we still good friends so i guess that really means something different then i thought... as for guys knowing guy talk which is really easy and can be summarized in short,

if a guys nice to you, he's asking you constantly if youd like to have sex... just kidding... kinda...

yeeeaaa.. this is my weakness.. i mean, other girls i flirted with down there, id make the move and theyd let me make it and it was all good. but not so used to a girl really saying stuff like she wants to have sex with me directly and throwing herself all over me... not to mention she seems really needy and i guess i am attracted to that??? both sexiness and needy really kinda breaks all my defenses and im kind of gone after that. other girls were fun flirts, but they were strong and i didnt see any neediness from them period.

one time with my ex, i broke up with her and shed keep coming back every week she said to see the cat and eat dinner with me to check up. each week, shed dress sexier and sexier, then one week she just started stripping in a teasing way and that pretty much did it for me taking her back... but soon after the dreaming of a fresh new start would change anything, all fell too quickly back into insanity of drug addictions... i thought she was just flirting with me sincerely, but now i kind think she probably thinks im just easy to control if she just uses her sexiness.... hahaa

today im just not going to do anything, no sex, not marrying anyone, no drugs, no raves, no buying tickets to anywhere, just sitting home, doing some work and stay put... i figured i cant screw myself up this way at least... and see what i can do to figure out what to take next step, maybe pro help but its hard for me to go that route...

CodeMaster

I never thought of it that way, maybe thats part of it...

I think if I had to take a good guess at it is its a combo of
1. Just ended relationship with ex, kinda down it ended so ****** up.... maybe stil miss her? or maybe I've always liked her type? why i dont know... when I went to the rave, I thought I saw her though... kinda missed her then.
2. Want to experience what she did (as stupid as it sounds), I hear of all this talk of "fog" and dry drunks and addicts not thinking clearly and selfishness... I kind of want to understand it for myself, maybe itd lighten the hurt to why she really left me in the first place? Cause I dont believe it, but maybe if I experience a little of the confusion drugs bring you and the whole rave scene she did for years before she met me, I'd understand where she's coming from. Of course, this is at the cost of probably losing my own mind and going to rehab someday.
3. I didnt party at all when I was young, been working since I was 16 non-stop till now 26, dropped out of college 20 to go full time. I never seen the raves, the drugs, or wild sexy girls.. I happen to be in prime shape now better then ever before, thus going to raves has a lot of meaning because I tend to be able to attract a lot of really hot girls... girls I never thought I could be with, i feel like I'm just realizing my potential and I've taken my first real vacation since last 6 years of hardcore work day and night literally, starting to obsesss with pieces I felt I missed!
4. I like to feel different, I have met nice but just cute normal very supportive healthy girls with strong minds, they like me and expressed it, but I never liked them... They treat me the best anyone in my life has ever treated me to be HONEST, but yet I dont know why I like the needy sexy girl who has nothing but her sexiness to offer and most lilky will be taking a lot more from me then ever. I think dating a normal person is too typical, and I've never been a typical person all the way from elementary school flunking school but hey I made it in life, my fight against those in school who said I'm destine to be a failure, including my mom at the time.
5. I like the rave environment, like the music, the darkness, I suppose the escape???

I dont know same time, I think these are all just excuses to do what I want to do....

Sorry for the rant.. I do feel kind of confused lately.

minnie

Hon, can I suggest that you go back and read your old posts? There was a time when your posts were full of how you were embracing recovery and noticing the difference between healthy and unhealthy. I have done this recently and it has given me a new sense of perspective.
What did you miss? The chaos, the insanity?
I'm afraid that is one of the most insane things I have ever seen written on these boards. I cannot even begin to fathom out how you came to have that thought.
Me neither. I "partied" when I was younger. No illegal drugs, apart from the odd spliff. Yeah, it was fun for a while. Then I grew up. There is more to life. IMHO, this is a skewed way of looking at the world - not everyone is doing (or has done) these things. It is only in the world that YOU have got into.
So why throw it away? You have seen what drugs and the surrounding lifestyle do to people. You know that it removes, rather than enhances, your spirit. Like you, I am starting to realise my potential and I will not allow ANYTHING to detract from that.
Different to whom? To the rest of society? But it sounds to me like you actually want to be the SAME as these people you meet at raves.
At least you recognise this. Does it make you feel good that someone needs you? Can you not provide yourself with that feeling? I used to be like that. I would seek out people who needed me. Blimey, how I arrogant was I to think that I knew what they needed to do in their life? Especially as i was neglecting my own emotional health and growth. Since going to al-anon and counselling, I have found a much better way of relating to people and my life now has so much more depth. Not chemically-induced, fake intimacy but real, honest emotional intimacy. And I'm not talking about sex here, btw!

So, what's your plan?

CodeMaster

Thanks everyone, I made an appointment with my doctor for this Monday which was soon as possible... let you know how it goes...

I feel much stronger today, I feel just fine actually, but I think my feelings still deep down in me kinda need fixing maybe? Anyways, I'll take advantage of this expensive blue cross I'm paying every month and make most of it to see a pro.

Minx1969

Hey Code,

Hen hao! ..Glad you are taking the first step..

gelfling

:bravo