Savana 54

Everyone gave you some great advice CM. Hopefully you haven't gotten married yet..

Please let us know you are ok. You know it doesn't have to be this way, you can be happy in a normal relationship. It just takes time..time for you to love yourself first and foremost!

Hugs,
Savana

CodeMaster

I'm still here in SF. Funny how I am proud of myself for still being here at the very least... as long as I'm here, I figured things can still be ok.

She txt msged me a few times last night, then this afternoon chatted with me for about 4 hours on MSN about her life and just building up relationship I think. She mentioned she just got a lot of new victoria secret sleepware and said she'll setup her webcam to show me soon... man as much as I'd love to see that, I told her she doesnt have to do that because I know she is doing all this in hopes of getting what she wants back. She asked me to go to Vegas with her, I can just imagine the trip with her... only thing is I know what is right from wrong, I am very aware of whats going on, yet I ponder on the edge of fire wondering which way I should jump despite how bad the fire is flaming and how bad all my red flags have shot up inside me. My lust captures me and my heart hurts from losing this opportunity. My mind reminds me there are many others with much simpler lives who dont ask for marriage that would be happy to be with you, lets go and find them. I say sure, but then she will tease me with something, or keep reaching out to me here in SF.

Though many miles apart, when she calls or chats with me online, I feel as if she is just a neighborhood away and I continue to tryto ration how it could workout without her boyfriend murdering me. Maybe he doesnt mind ??? No, stop kidding yourself.

So even as we are online chatting, I'm captured by her, and I'd love to see those photos of her in Vic Secrets... man... but I feel destiny setting this challenge before me, falls for another addict and maybe its time for me to leave this Earth or listen to the Spirits that reach out and calls and live a bright life.

She is begging for me to come down this weekend, and I'd love to go down this weekend not only for her, but to continue my vacation of meeting so many girls there and I really love the music at the raves, nothing like that here in San Francisco.

I know she is putting in all this effort in hopes to create an expectation I owe her something, so I know I need to tell her I'm sorry i cant make this work for her soon before she does anymore giving to not receive what she is hoping for.... I need to do this soon or else if she gets angry, who knows what plot she will set or what she will tell hr BF down there and the whole game may change to a even more twisted unfriendly story.

Then most likley shell lose all interest to being friends with me (maybe this is what I fear to lose, but then again, its probably for my best interest) and I'll just move on finding another simpler beauty to be with right? Whats up with all this marrage crap.

Its too bad though, I think shes really nice girl and I think she's hot. I've lost my mind in lust and someone here said to stop hanging out at parties / clubs / raves, I guess that makes sense...

Becuase I was just standing there enjoying the music I love very much in front of the huge speakers at that rave when the two girls pulled me over holding my arms to have a chat with me in a dark corner somewhere outside but still within the rave areas... it was really flirtatious, I really enjoyed that moment... but its all an offer for a disaster to life as lustfully appealing it seems.

I will try to make up an excuse to why I cant help her adn tell her I'm sorry, then offer her some alternative options even though she wont care about that she already knows all other alternatives....

Today I found out from her a lot of things, she cant marry her current BF because he just got his greencard, and he needs to stay here 6 years before he can marry to share more greencards. In any case... I try to stay offline so she wont see me, and I will try to tell her soon so she does not wait round wasting time hoping I am her answer.

I just find it shocking how easily it is for me to go back to unhealthy relationships, I love rave music you see, I dont care if I drink or not, the music can get me a high alone and I love being there listening to music watching others dancing to it. This exposes me to all the addicts all around me of course.... but then again, not saying I'm any better, I am realizing I'm an addict too.....

Oh well, see how it goes... I want to go to raves still, I just dont want to get tangled with anyone there. I cant stop thinking of anything but this and so I will think of how to say sorry and run from it all.... deep down I hope when I go down at the raves, I see her again, so hopefully I will meet someone else quick I dont know.

I am sad to feel the need to go to alanon, i want to be normal, how shameful i will feel if i ever ran into my ex at alanon or aa because she will think she really screwed me over and i bet thatd just give her a high thinking she really had infleunce to me, i rather stay here alone then run the possibility of giving her this pleasure.... i loved her very much, i dont need to know she thinks lowly of me anymore...

Savana 54

Code,
She is manipulating you! BIG TIME! It's time to stop thinking with your head and not your heart. She's leading you on with the promises of seeing her in sexy lingerie, etc. etc. knowing you are a sucker for that. I'm sorry to sound so blunt...But she is USING you!!

Maybe her BF is behind all of this with you marrying her. Have you ever thought of that? Please continue to ignore and avoid her. There are nice girls out there for you, I promise you that.

((((code))))

FormerDoormat

Code:

Forgive me for being so blunt, but you're talking as if you have no control of your "lower extremity." You have to start thinking with your other head. Get a grip on yourself.

You say, "she's a nice girl." Well, the last time I checked, nice girls don't manipulate naieve young men to marry them so they can obtain citizenship.

Years ago, a young Moroccan woman did the exact same thing to my brother. She filled his head with all sorts of crap. Paraded in front of him in sexy little outfits, convinced him to marry her in only a few weeks. They eloped and showed up at my parents' home and announced that they'd been married. It was too late to tell my brother that he'd been had at that point, as the marriage was a done deal.

Then came the next stage in this "nice girl's" plan. She became obsessed with getting her US citizenship (sound familiar?). As soon as she obtained her citizenship, she left him, high and dry. Took their young son with him, never to be seen again. But before she did, she spent every waking hour telling my brother and his son how much she hated Americans and the United States. My response to her was "well, why don't you go the hell back to Morocco if you hate it here?"

I'm personally glad she did. But she left a huge wake in her path. My brother lost his only child, he lost his dignity, and he lost his trust in women.

Do you want to follow my brother's path? Because that's where you're headed. It's time to get your head out of the clouds, stop fantasizing about this worthless piece of trash, and come back to reality.

This is a train wreck waiting to happen. And why did this woman "pick" (aka stalk) you out of the crowd? Because you were the sexiest and most desirable man there? Not likely. It's more likely that she knew she'd found an easy target. You're thinking with your crotch and not your head. So put that thing away until you can think straight.

There's no need to make a nice excuse for not falling into her trap. She's not a nice woman. Tell this piece of trash to take a hike and then walk away.

You've come too far over the last few months to throw all you've learned out the window and return to your old ways. We all know they weren't working for you, or you wouldn't have joined this forum in first place.

Zoey

Have you seen a psychiatrist?? You may be a sex addict too??
Your X would probably love to see you at an AA meeting, MUCH SANITY FOUND THERE.

Unless you really want to die, Please do not answer your phone, change the #, dont answer anything. Haven"t we always heard, "a cold hard hearted, no contact break is best if we don't care for someone". Otherwise it is stringing then along. Don't string her along, let her get busy trying to trap some other idiot.
If she wants and needs to get married she will find someone under the influence that will do it. she may be working on 5 or 6 of you right now.

Claim you have to leave town for some emergency. send a message no voice contact.and then leave town, TRUTH IS, it is an emergency, to save your life.
Sorry I am nasty, but want you not to waste your life, or die.

CodeMaster

Thats a really interesting story FormerDootmat, it sounds very much like my situation. I was just reminded by your story of a coworker who went thorugh the same thing, he's a really naive guy, conservative, quiet and has a hard time meeting any girls. This girl just went all over him 3 years ago, got him to marry and the whole time she had a real boyfriend in Singapore he later finds out. So anyways, after she got her greencard, two weeks later she is filing for a divorce. Not only does she take the greencard with her, but half of his finances that he accumulate since the point of marriage. He put a spy program on her computer and that is how he discovers she has always had a boyfriend in Singapore which she travels to all the time, and he even showed me the photos of her and her boyfriend smiling and holding each other... must a been a real heart breaker to see that I bet... one thing to know the gal was with someone else, another thing to see photos....

I just thought thats a sad story... but now it seems ever so close to my own life.

If I were in LA and if she came flirting to me wearing tiny outfits, I'm telling you I'd not be able to resist much... I can only thank Destiny for putting me back in San Francisco, because its easier to say goodbye at such a distance....

I will tell her goodbye tonight, ask her to please search someone else for this help as I have built up a lot in my life and for someone to use me and look lowly of me while she's at it would set me on fire. I let it happen once, I wont let it happen again... (i hope).

Man, I'm starting to think clearer right now... the things everyone have said have been very meaningful, I never thought of it that way as if she is very aware of her tactics. I sometimes thought that, but she does such a theratrical masterpiece to make it seem like she is just desperate for help and needs me. She told me she just got off the phone wth her mother and told her all about me and her mother approved her going with me and all....

The reason she came up with another friend was because that other friend who held my other arm was the group of friends I came wth... so they didnt pick me from out of nowhere, they introduce me indirectly and figured hey this guys nice u.s. citizen, lets get him! Its weird when I think these manipulations were all so planned out, thats pretty extreme but from the sounds of what you guys are telling me, they may have a whole blueprint from beginning to finish on this whole story already. That's a scary thought, and I guess its just a dangerous world out there, watch your backs.

I'm going to workout and clear up my mind some more... thanks for listening, last night I was on the edge of buying those tickets to head down south... I was even on the edge of saying some goodbyes to people on this forum just in case anything happened...

Sorry for the weakness in me, I know it sometimes causes people trouble, I alwasy feel bad to trouble others... but thanks for everything. I can see and feel I still have a lot of inner issues deep down in me....

CarolD

I am so very proud of you CM!

Stay safe and keep posting.

Your SR family will always have your b best interest at heart.

Blessings...

FormerDoormat

Obviously, I think you've made the right choice. And there's no need to apologize for your weaknesses. We all have them and hopefully, we learn from our mistakes.

Sorry I came down so hard on you, but I'd really hate to see someone take advantage of you and mistreat you.

nocellphone

I don't think you're weak, Code. I think you're human.

This is just how some of us who've been affected by this disease behave from time to time. Insanity is a cunning seductress, and she takes many forms...

Your victory is in your resistance, and your allies are here. Of course, if you did finally choose to attend Al-Anon (oh, the shame... ), you would increase your allies by the millions...

So be careful, Code. Nothing changes if nothing changes.

Minx1969

Hey Code,

Glad to hear you are thinking more clearly..Remember how we suggested that you might take a break from dating for a while to work on yourself?

I hope you will use this most recent "crisis" as a jumping off point to get to therapy or Alanon..I know you have heard to before but it does really help..

I'm dating a really nice guy now who is not an alcoholic and doesn't seem to have any red flags..At first it was difficult for me because I was used to the drama but now it is so nice to be in a calm supportive relationship..

Alanon and my sponsor are keeping me sane per usual..

Glad to hear you are safe..

sunshinebluesky

FD----AWESOME words up there!! hey,being too nice would have got him MARRIED!! and not in a good way,either!!

Cynay

*Hugs*

Welcome back to reality.... ohhhh you went away for a moment but Im glad you came here and talked with us.

I would REALLY suggest getting some help with that drama addiction you have going on though... no shame in working through an issue and when Mrs. Right does come along she will thank you for it!

Take care of you

FriendofBill

I swear I saw his eyes glazing over....

stay in reality, bro

CodeMaster

Its weird when I think of her actions as being planned out or purposely using... I hear stories of it all the time, I always thought it just happened to twist to a ****** up story more near the end naturally, I thought it was just the changing environments, but I am realizing from the sounds of it, these people have blueprints planned all the way out from beginning to ending...

Its too bad... I did meet a lot of girls down there, each I simply hung out with, at most, held their hands, or their waist... I long for a kiss or a night with a girl and when this girl who is hot comes up and tells me she would love to have sex with me in a flirtatious way, it kind of drove me nutz... but it wasnt just that, other girls I talked to, they'd be more ok with waiting for my next trip back, while this one was really pursuing me hardcore... mainly cause she needs the marriage thing. Thus it got my head spinning, and being the nice guy I am I did feel sorry for her and I really wanted to help her out. But I guess its not a good idea not only because itll be disasterous for my life, but it seems she is purposly manipulating me and I'm getting ready for some serious pain when my life is so very simple and happy right now.

My friend who knows me says I am not like them, my life is not dependant on drugs for last decade and my achievements are nothing like anyone elses around my age. They said I'm actually a high quality guy and I dont have any reason for fearing upscale places, but my mind thinks I'm really low and thus I always find myself much more comfortable in "ghetto" areas, settings, etc... its weird, but if the place I go to is upscale, I feel very nervous and uncomfortable, I much rather hang out in a garage like club filled with druggies and hookers... I dont feel lookd down upon by them, I feel at home.... I like the way the drug seller smiles and hangs with me, and I like the way girls dance and stare deep into me even from afar theres the connection, all while the music is pumping.

Weird isnt it? In there, I feel accepted. Is this the mental problem people are referring to when they speak of mine?

pmaslan

Code.....wow you are really freaking me out....please head to alanon, don't delay!!!!

Zoey

The music will numb the brain. Music is used in many ways to brainwash us. Sometimes like a drug to some people. Take care.

CodeMaster

Sorry, I am not sure why I am losing my mind... I tend to do extreme self destructive things post breakup, isnt the first time. I thought I would be different this time is all.... things were going all peaceful and fine, just this girl kind of came out of nowhere and got me all spinning... I'll try to keep it cool , stay home and get some rest... I'll check out al-anon this weekend if I can.

CodeMaster

sometimes it feels like only real friends that understand or know me at those from this forum. Because you cant talk about this stuff to anyone without exposure to addiction relationships.

I tend to get pretty crazy post breakups, I mean really crazy, sometimes I dont want to live as insane as it sounds. The last time I broke up with my ex (not the alcoholic one), a few months later I really started going crazy to fill this empty void in my heart, maybe a void of loneliness? I dont know....

I went out and sold some of my stocks to spend $20k on a new motorcycle and gear and etc.... I did this in a fingersnap, I mean, I went in to the dealer, saw a bike I loved, and almost addictively just without thinking or even price comparing, nothing that I usually would do in a sane mental state, sold some of my stocks, next day went in and bought the thing....

Wanted an accidental death if destiny permitted, took it to 170mph waiting for death to grab me. Then once saw flashing lights behind me, out of true insanity from a very nomal life focused on career and generally very healthy, just said forget the cops and let it riiiiiiippppp.... maybe for hopes death would find me.

Dont know why, after a long chase, and 6 cop car following later, I decided to take a highway exit and stopped at one of the red lights. Cops behind me with guns drawn out screaming for me to get off, I couldnt get off to be honest from the adrenaline and pretty soon after that I felt hands grab me and throw me off slamming me to the concrete ground face first and a foot over my neck back. Reality and some sanity somewhat snapped back into me at that point realizing I kind of got myself in some serious trouble......

Even when it was time to sentencing by the judge, he looked at me and he knows I'm a software engineer working well and looks likea normal guy whatever, he said to me out of everyone he sentenced that day that he gets a feeling this is a one time mistake, and that he wont be seeing me here in the future and tells me to watch myself, then gave me 5 days time to do and that was that...

All this because of craziness of post breaking up, something about post breaking up times I do really self destructive things.... today I really like the motorcycle I got, but if I had a choice I'd much rather use that 20k to keep it in things that appeciate and earn more money. But its all good, the bikes brought me through many more experiences that I cant ever forget.

I feel a little bit like I'm back in that craziness state, I've always been in it, just didnt realize it I think.... on one hand, I think the insanity of love can drive people to do this, on the other hand, I think its sad how pathetic I can be just because of a loss of a loved one.

Cynay

I dont think its so weird really.

It does scream that you have confidence issues, there are things inside that are off in your thinking.... because you feel safe in the danger and chaos and you said you feel judged and uncomfortable in a safe enviroment.

Girls/Guys like that are like a drug, personally I like the "bad boy" I tend to be a rebel myself and the bad boy does not follow the rules, they usually have drug/drinking issues and will and can do the most exciting thing.... of course they are also the most dangerous things and are SO unhealthy... but there is a rush in that. Kinda like someone that does extreem sports for the rush.

Unfortunally that is our addiction, healthy people that give us room to grow and become healthy are not extreem and can seem very boring to us... there is no rush in that and when we are with a healthy person we cant be heros... swoop in and save the day (thats my favorite part) or we cant fix whatever the current crisis is... not much fun if we cant fix someone else huh? But if you think about it that is why we are just as sick as they are, and that is why we need a recovery program too. This is not a healthy state of being and it really is not reality, that is why they live in what is called an altered state using drugs/drinking...... living in them is our altered state.

Sweets maybe you need to stop the dating and focus on yourself ..... either that or come to Phoenix for that swift kick in the bums from Minx and I

Minx1969

Code,

Please call a therapist..immediately..You need to get some help.

I used to be like that 10 years ago..When my ex-fiancee broke up with me (this was 10 years ago) I thought about taking pills..I didn't though..I got help. There was one time when I was still with him that I ended up in the hospital. We had a fight, I was drunk and took pills..I wanted to punish him not hurt myself..Today I look at that and don't even recognize that crazy person..

Today I wouldn't ever think about it..Suicide is a selfish act..My brother killed himself almost 6 years ago and it is devastating..

I'm not thinking all that straight today as I just found out my exABF father died..I really cared for him..

Anyway, you need to value yourself and your life..I grew up in a life of pain and hurt..(born into the disease of alcoholism) I've worked through so much of that through therapy and Alanon..I couldn't have done it alone..you need that support (not just this board)..

you can get better..so much of what you call love is not love..it's codependence and immeshment..

Anyway, we are here for you..

-Del