Things are different
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: DooDooville, USA
Posts: 453
Things are different
My xabf has been on the rehab farm for awhile now and will be for a year.
After he got kicked out of the 30 day rehab for drinking and the TPO was lifted, we talked and it was good, it wasn't bad or abusive. Just telling each other good-bye, I guess, in our own way. He had said that he wanted to come back in a year after the rehab on the farm and "start over and be together without the B.S." and at the time, I thought that would be great, too.
Now that he's gone and is gonna be gone for quite some time ( and I'm praying that it really works for him this time)....I've gotten one letter from him and he's loving it out there (it's a gorgeous place) and I just don't see a future anymore for "us". I don't have a desire to write to him back..........why? All we did was fight for the last 4 months and he's loving it out there now and I'm doing okay on my own. Good days and some bad, but mostly good. My heart isn't breaking anymore, so I don't see any reason to keep in touch.
Does that seem cold on my part? He's, in the back of his mind, thinking that maybe there's a chance for us when he gets out....I did, too, but I don't anymore. Should I tell him? Or should I just keep going on with my life and not write back? I'm sure he'll wanna know what's up after awhile, but I don't know what to say to him now.
After he got kicked out of the 30 day rehab for drinking and the TPO was lifted, we talked and it was good, it wasn't bad or abusive. Just telling each other good-bye, I guess, in our own way. He had said that he wanted to come back in a year after the rehab on the farm and "start over and be together without the B.S." and at the time, I thought that would be great, too.
Now that he's gone and is gonna be gone for quite some time ( and I'm praying that it really works for him this time)....I've gotten one letter from him and he's loving it out there (it's a gorgeous place) and I just don't see a future anymore for "us". I don't have a desire to write to him back..........why? All we did was fight for the last 4 months and he's loving it out there now and I'm doing okay on my own. Good days and some bad, but mostly good. My heart isn't breaking anymore, so I don't see any reason to keep in touch.
Does that seem cold on my part? He's, in the back of his mind, thinking that maybe there's a chance for us when he gets out....I did, too, but I don't anymore. Should I tell him? Or should I just keep going on with my life and not write back? I'm sure he'll wanna know what's up after awhile, but I don't know what to say to him now.
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
Girlfriend, you are doing great. Do you ever look back at your old posts to see how far you've come? I always remember when we had a couple of run-ins early on and you dug in your pretty heels and refused to budge. Oh, happy days!
Anyway. You know, if he is working a good programme on the farm there is every chance that he won't want to come back to you. That sounds harsh, doesn't it? What I mean is that your relationship was based on unhealthy needs and now that you are both correcting those, who is to say that you'd be any better together in the future than you were before?
You don't owe him anything. If you wanted, you could send him a nice card or something to wish him well. But you split up. If he comes out in a years time and expects you to hook up again just like that, then he's not worked hard enough at his recovery, imho. A year is a long time. Keep it in the day, hon.
Anyway. You know, if he is working a good programme on the farm there is every chance that he won't want to come back to you. That sounds harsh, doesn't it? What I mean is that your relationship was based on unhealthy needs and now that you are both correcting those, who is to say that you'd be any better together in the future than you were before?
You don't owe him anything. If you wanted, you could send him a nice card or something to wish him well. But you split up. If he comes out in a years time and expects you to hook up again just like that, then he's not worked hard enough at his recovery, imho. A year is a long time. Keep it in the day, hon.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Litterbox City
Posts: 5,691
girlfriend - i agree with minnie (and who couldn't most of the time) - he may not want what he thinks he wants now if he is working at his recovery. you're not being cold - just taking a good look at what you need to do for YOU!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
Not to mention that he is probably feeling insecure and trying to keep an anchore somewhere. Dont let his wants and his needs a priority in your life. That part is over and both of you are on the path to recovery... both will change so much in a years time.
One day at a time would be my vote too and most of all be true to YOURSELF... first and foremost
One day at a time would be my vote too and most of all be true to YOURSELF... first and foremost
Member
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: north carolina
Posts: 365
i agree,funny thing--that "time" thing and what it can do. who can possibly know what either of you will think and feel in a year.i think when and if you feel like it,maybe you can send a card saying something like that.and no more. if you never do, its very ok--you loved,you cared,you tried and time ran out for that one particular relationship.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: DooDooville, USA
Posts: 453
Originally Posted by minnie
Girlfriend, you are doing great. Do you ever look back at your old posts to see how far you've come? I always remember when we had a couple of run-ins early on and you dug in your pretty heels and refused to budge. Oh, happy days!
I love ya, Minnie! ((muah))
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: DooDooville, USA
Posts: 453
Thank all of you for your input. That sounds like the best plan....take it day by day.
It could go either way in a year. 1) we both have gone our own ways and hopefully will always remain friends or 2) we'll of both realized that through it all, we both love each other enough to make a new start at that point and time.
Only God knows the answer to that one.
It could go either way in a year. 1) we both have gone our own ways and hopefully will always remain friends or 2) we'll of both realized that through it all, we both love each other enough to make a new start at that point and time.
Only God knows the answer to that one.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: uk
Posts: 3,054
One thing, it sounds like he's in a great place to get support and perhaps it would be better for him to rebuild his life on reality rather than a dream.
I certainly don't think it makes you cold and I think usually things are better if you speak honestly from the heart. He won't have this level of support when he leaves.
I certainly don't think it makes you cold and I think usually things are better if you speak honestly from the heart. He won't have this level of support when he leaves.
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Originally Posted by equus
One thing, it sounds like he's in a great place to get support and perhaps it would be better for him to rebuild his life on reality rather than a dream.
I certainly don't think it makes you cold and I think usually things are better if you speak honestly from the heart. He won't have this level of support when he leaves.
I certainly don't think it makes you cold and I think usually things are better if you speak honestly from the heart. He won't have this level of support when he leaves.
A clean break us always kinder.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
