The Sister Situation
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Scotland, UK
Posts: 4
The Sister Situation
Hi everyone.
I must admit, now that I am here, I feel kind of lost.
I'm not sure if I am in the right place or not. I have one brother, and he is an alcoholic and a drug addict. I feel guilty for being here talking about him. He doesn't live with me. I feel like I shouldn't be here, because there are people here who are living with husbands/wives etc with problems, and I suppose I think my problem is "less important" because I can go about my life here in my own house, with my own family, without having to actually live with the situation. We are both in our 30s and have our own lives. I'm married with children.
I don't even know what I hope to gain from coming here. Information, I suppose. I haven't ever had alcohol or addiction problems, and I don't really understand what's going on. I have spent the last 20 minutes registering and reading stuff on this forum. I have debated whether I did the right thing by coming here. Now I'm sitting here considering deleting this entire post, because I think it sounds stupid.
I hope someone replies to this and maybe hands me a map or a set of instructions. I really do not know what, if anything, to do about the stuff which goes on here.
~Sister Bliss~
I must admit, now that I am here, I feel kind of lost.
I'm not sure if I am in the right place or not. I have one brother, and he is an alcoholic and a drug addict. I feel guilty for being here talking about him. He doesn't live with me. I feel like I shouldn't be here, because there are people here who are living with husbands/wives etc with problems, and I suppose I think my problem is "less important" because I can go about my life here in my own house, with my own family, without having to actually live with the situation. We are both in our 30s and have our own lives. I'm married with children.
I don't even know what I hope to gain from coming here. Information, I suppose. I haven't ever had alcohol or addiction problems, and I don't really understand what's going on. I have spent the last 20 minutes registering and reading stuff on this forum. I have debated whether I did the right thing by coming here. Now I'm sitting here considering deleting this entire post, because I think it sounds stupid.
I hope someone replies to this and maybe hands me a map or a set of instructions. I really do not know what, if anything, to do about the stuff which goes on here.
~Sister Bliss~
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
Oh, hon, of course you are welcome here! It's the Family and Friends board - and that's exactly what you are.
Pull up a chair and have a good read around. Make sure you read the sticky, or power, posts at the top of this forum and the nar-anon one. There's loads of good information there.
If you've got any specific questions, please ask them. There are no stupid questions and I can guarantee that some of us will have had the same thoughts or been in the same situation.
Looking forward to getting to know you.
Pull up a chair and have a good read around. Make sure you read the sticky, or power, posts at the top of this forum and the nar-anon one. There's loads of good information there.
If you've got any specific questions, please ask them. There are no stupid questions and I can guarantee that some of us will have had the same thoughts or been in the same situation.
Looking forward to getting to know you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Scotland, UK
Posts: 4
Thank you. Your response was very welcoming.
That at least answers one of my first questions. Now I know that I do indeed belong here, and am not gatecrashing into a forum which I have no business being in.
I suppose it is common when you spend years mentally brushing it under the rug, that when you begin to talk about it, you somehow feel like you are betraying a confidence. I have been to two al-anon meetings and although I can see how they might work for some people, I just couldn't really get involved. I much prefer the anonymity I can have on the internet. That way, I don't feel quite so much like I'm talking about my brother behind his back, even though I technically still am.
My story could be anyone though. I know for a fact that even if he were to stumble across this forum at any time, there is no way he would know that it was me. This situation is obviously so common, that I have no fears about him finding out that I "discuss his business" with people. Do you think that is strange? That I care what he would think of me talking about him? Maybe I have spent so many years listening to him say, "Dont tell so-n-so..", "Don't say anything about this...", etc. that I have actually became secretive about it myself, even though everyone who knows him is aware of his problems. It's no state-secret. I'm not ashamed of him or embarrassed by him. But, I do get angry at him, and I know that isn't constructive, but I still do it. I'm angry at him today, and I think that is what brought me here. I could go on for hours, but I won't. At least not yet. :-)
That at least answers one of my first questions. Now I know that I do indeed belong here, and am not gatecrashing into a forum which I have no business being in.
I suppose it is common when you spend years mentally brushing it under the rug, that when you begin to talk about it, you somehow feel like you are betraying a confidence. I have been to two al-anon meetings and although I can see how they might work for some people, I just couldn't really get involved. I much prefer the anonymity I can have on the internet. That way, I don't feel quite so much like I'm talking about my brother behind his back, even though I technically still am.
My story could be anyone though. I know for a fact that even if he were to stumble across this forum at any time, there is no way he would know that it was me. This situation is obviously so common, that I have no fears about him finding out that I "discuss his business" with people. Do you think that is strange? That I care what he would think of me talking about him? Maybe I have spent so many years listening to him say, "Dont tell so-n-so..", "Don't say anything about this...", etc. that I have actually became secretive about it myself, even though everyone who knows him is aware of his problems. It's no state-secret. I'm not ashamed of him or embarrassed by him. But, I do get angry at him, and I know that isn't constructive, but I still do it. I'm angry at him today, and I think that is what brought me here. I could go on for hours, but I won't. At least not yet. :-)
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Scotland, UK
Posts: 4
Oh dear. I just read my last post back, and I sound like I'm so paranoid that he will find out I'm here. It's all a bit cloak and dagger. Give me time. I will begin to relax a bit once I settle in.
*
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Lincolnshire, England
Posts: 464
Hi SisterBliss 
You are very welcome here!
We are all here looking for knowledge, advice and understanding. You will find all that here.
You are here because you care about your brother; to know what you might expect and how to handle it, there are many here who are in similar situations.
We've all had that 'lost' feeling at times.
There are a great bunch of people here! including some from your part of the world!
Take care and keep coming here
You are very welcome here!
We are all here looking for knowledge, advice and understanding. You will find all that here.
You are here because you care about your brother; to know what you might expect and how to handle it, there are many here who are in similar situations.
We've all had that 'lost' feeling at times.
There are a great bunch of people here! including some from your part of the world!
Take care and keep coming here
Member
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Poconos, PA
Posts: 10
I am in a similar situation (i.e.-dealing w/an alcoholic sibling, not a spouse) and I have found a lot of posts here that deal with spouses in which I've been able to get some helpful information on how to deal with my own situation. However, I must admit that I do look for posts which deal specifically with siblings. I felt like I was betraying my sibling, too, by going to Al-anon, but now I don't really care if they know or not!!! I am learning a lot of coping techniques through Al-anon, so try it for awhile before you give up on it. Good Luck!!
Heard it all before
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Weird NJ
Posts: 43
Welcome to Sober Recovery!
I'm pretty new here too and just reading the posts has really helped me a lot. So keep coming back and keep reading!
I too have a brother who has an addiction problem. He lives with my mom and she is his enabler. I don't live with them but that doesn't mean that it doesn't affect myself or my children. Right now I am trying to practice some tough love and have almost no contact with them.
In my case as well it is like my brother's addiction is a big secret (Guess where I got my screen name from? lol). It's almost like we can't even let him know! Don't discuss it and it's not true.
Addiction affects so many more people than just the addict. Just know that you are not alone.
I'm pretty new here too and just reading the posts has really helped me a lot. So keep coming back and keep reading!
I too have a brother who has an addiction problem. He lives with my mom and she is his enabler. I don't live with them but that doesn't mean that it doesn't affect myself or my children. Right now I am trying to practice some tough love and have almost no contact with them.
In my case as well it is like my brother's addiction is a big secret (Guess where I got my screen name from? lol). It's almost like we can't even let him know! Don't discuss it and it's not true.
Addiction affects so many more people than just the addict. Just know that you are not alone.
Alcohol is a cruel mistress!!!
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: crownpoint newyork
Posts: 820
Many of us have many different alcoholics in our lives. I have a husband, step son, and a father. A sibling can be heartbreaking to watch suffer with alcoholism. Keep coming back this is a very welcoming place. Your not alone!!! Kerry
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: uk
Posts: 3,054
I wish I had seen this sooner!! I lost count of the times I've thought of my hubby's brother, the amount of times I've felt for him, or the times it's touched me how important brothers are.
When my D stopped drinking in October his brother drove 250 miles to have a cup of tea with him!! When D stopped drinking this time after getting some very real help for the first time, he wrote a short email to his brother telling him, it was the first time he'd spoken to his brother about his drinking in a decade.
Never ever feel your less 'valid' here. Compared to my husband's brother it's me as the wife who's newer on the scene. Their bond is very deep and has been hurt by all this, yet it's still deep and needs to heal.
When my D stopped drinking in October his brother drove 250 miles to have a cup of tea with him!! When D stopped drinking this time after getting some very real help for the first time, he wrote a short email to his brother telling him, it was the first time he'd spoken to his brother about his drinking in a decade.
Never ever feel your less 'valid' here. Compared to my husband's brother it's me as the wife who's newer on the scene. Their bond is very deep and has been hurt by all this, yet it's still deep and needs to heal.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Scotland, UK
Posts: 4
Thank you all for replying. I feel a bit more comfortable about being here now. He is still drinking, and you are so right minnie, he wont even be on the internet. Besides the fact that he is drunk practically 24/7, he wont have any money to connect to the internet. He barely buys food or electricity cards.
I found a section on here about "letting go". This is what I am trying to do. I find myself wanting to yell at him and tell him to get out of my life. But, because there are only 2 of us, I feel that it would kill my parents for their only two offspring to be at loggerheads. My mum and dad have went through all the various stages. The denial, the anger, the hurt, etc. They have now reached a stage where they are almost at peace with the situation. They have reached a level of acceptance. One which I haven't yet found myself at.
I have minimum contact with my brother, but on the rare occassion I do see him, I find it difficult to know how to act. He seems to have no idea of how inappropriate his behaviour is. I'm the type of person who is usually upfront about stuff, and yet, with him, I feel I hold back a lot. Part of the reason for this is fear. He has been violent to others in the past, and I am afraid that I may end up on the receiving end of it, so I just keep my feelings/opinions to myself.
I had just gotten my head round the whole Alcoholism thing, when I found him with Heroin. Smoking it, not injecting it, and claiming that it's not addictive when smoked. Now, I feel like I am back at square one. He expects me to keep all his little secrets about how much he is using, and how much he is spending on it, and I don't really want a part of the web of lies he spins to our friends and family. I'm not out shouting from the rooftops, but if he wishes to live his life under the cover of deceit, that's his choice. I wont do it, and I refuse to be guilt-tripped into it.
I am strong in one way, and very weak in others. I am also half-educated on addictions, from my experiences with him, and also from Al-Anon meetings, websites, books etc. I know there are no straightforward answers, but it has helped me mentally to be here amongst others and to see how other people continue with their lives, without allowing the addict's problem become their problem.
LoL.. I'm sitting here laughing, because I seem to be good at talking the talk, but not so good at walking the walk. I probably know what I should do, but, actually doing it is another story, isn't it?
Again, I thank all of you for your messages. I hope to be able to spend more time here, and maybe learn something.
I found a section on here about "letting go". This is what I am trying to do. I find myself wanting to yell at him and tell him to get out of my life. But, because there are only 2 of us, I feel that it would kill my parents for their only two offspring to be at loggerheads. My mum and dad have went through all the various stages. The denial, the anger, the hurt, etc. They have now reached a stage where they are almost at peace with the situation. They have reached a level of acceptance. One which I haven't yet found myself at.
I have minimum contact with my brother, but on the rare occassion I do see him, I find it difficult to know how to act. He seems to have no idea of how inappropriate his behaviour is. I'm the type of person who is usually upfront about stuff, and yet, with him, I feel I hold back a lot. Part of the reason for this is fear. He has been violent to others in the past, and I am afraid that I may end up on the receiving end of it, so I just keep my feelings/opinions to myself.
I had just gotten my head round the whole Alcoholism thing, when I found him with Heroin. Smoking it, not injecting it, and claiming that it's not addictive when smoked. Now, I feel like I am back at square one. He expects me to keep all his little secrets about how much he is using, and how much he is spending on it, and I don't really want a part of the web of lies he spins to our friends and family. I'm not out shouting from the rooftops, but if he wishes to live his life under the cover of deceit, that's his choice. I wont do it, and I refuse to be guilt-tripped into it.
I am strong in one way, and very weak in others. I am also half-educated on addictions, from my experiences with him, and also from Al-Anon meetings, websites, books etc. I know there are no straightforward answers, but it has helped me mentally to be here amongst others and to see how other people continue with their lives, without allowing the addict's problem become their problem.
LoL.. I'm sitting here laughing, because I seem to be good at talking the talk, but not so good at walking the walk. I probably know what I should do, but, actually doing it is another story, isn't it?
Again, I thank all of you for your messages. I hope to be able to spend more time here, and maybe learn something.
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