free2see

Hi all,

My fiance of 3 years left me after a stressful time and went on a 6 month binge. I have kept in touch with her a little since then. She went into rehab. for 30 days in Feb. I have spoken with her about every week since then. She was clean for a couple months and then started up again. I went to visit her a few weeks ago for a weekend. We had a great time but I could tell she was still partying some. She didn't tell anyone, but she was trying to find a rehab./detox place again but had trouble- so, to get everyones attention, she shot up coke in the office next to her dad's. Thank God she didn't die in trying to ask for help. Anyway, I offered to help her and her family. I found a treatment center and we got her in a few days later. She is getting out soon and will be staying with me. We are commited to each other and it appears that we are dating. I am thinking about telling her that I will help her in her recovery as a dear friend who loves her but that I can't have a relationship with her untill she is well. I have heard that people in recovery often get into relationships easily. Although we have a long history and are very close, I wonder if the dynamics involved in a relationship aren't more of a distraction in her recovery than us bonding together.

I would be greatful for any insight or advice

minnie

Hi there free2see. Bit of a tricky situation you've got there.

Was this a decision that you made together, or have you just drifted into it?

And that is your perogative. In fact, I think it's entirely healthy to wait until you've seen her recovery in ACTION rather than just words before you make a huge decision like that.

If she uses again it will be because of her own issues, not anything you have done or not done. If you stay in the relationship simply because you are scared that she will use if you are not together, then that is enabling. Equally, if you leave because you have decided that is better for her recovery, then that is still putting the focus on her. What do YOU want?

Also, is staying with you her only option? Perhaps a half-way house or similar would give you both the space you need to concentrate on your own recovery. Do you go to Al-anon or Nar-anon?

Good luck.

reader

I aggree with Minnie about her staying somewhere else. Since you have a long history together by her moving in, it kinda of implies a relationship. I know I would have trouble just living together as friends with someone I was once in love with. Just a thought!! Kerry