More blame
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More blame
I had to go by the bar tonight to go to a drive-thru on the way home from my moms. I saw my AH walking back into the bar and stopped to talk to him.
He was being rude and disrespectful. I asked him if this was another vacation (the weekend I came back from my vacation and found him at the b bar he said he just took a vacation). He said, "just another broken promise from another man". He said he was much different than other men, better, and stronger.
He called me weak, then he called my family weak. I stayed strong and didn't argue....my kids were in the car. I told him he needed to back up off my car, that I was leaving.
So he called me. Talking about me being weak, when I asked him to explain he couldn't. Started saying that it was because he was a stupid drunk blah blah blah.
He told me I treat him like ****. I asked him to explain to me how I treat him like ****. He said I didn't, he was just a stupid drunk who didn't know what he was talking about.
Asked me what he's ever done to me. I told him it was stuff like this. He did something really nice for me last week. I thought we were doing better, he was more positive talking about what he could do instead of who was doing him wrong. Then this happens.
Said he was mad cause I won't ask him to put his ring back on. I told him that I honestly don't want him to because he took it off his finger, said it was a joke and threw it in the street. He's only got it back b/c I went back and found it. I took mine off too and I told him if he wants me to wear his ring, he's going to have to buy me a new one...that the meaning that was behind our rings was ruined to me and I don't want to wear it. I told him that him saying it was a joke hurt me. He started more blah blah blah
He said My family was weak. I told him that regardless of what he may think of my family, if he wants to be with me that he needs to accept them for who they are. That I would never put down his family and I don't appreciate him putting down mine.
He said they all, including me, have our heads up our a$$. I asked him to explain. He couldn't.
Babblings of a drunk.
Said he's been down because of financial things and of course he has to throw me in there, and that was why he couldn't come over today. I told him that he said he would call me back and I felt he could have at least done that.
He said that I never say I want to be with him, but I asked him to go to the fireworks with us yesterday and he didn't (his choice, I was bothered by it realized I couldn't change it and accepted it). He said I should have told him that I wanted him to go, instead of asking if he wanted to.
He kept digging into the past about how I've treated him since we seperated (I think). I told him that he was the one who told me I needed to stop going into the past...so why is he doing it.
I just don't know........... Why am i still here?
He said I put him down and look down on him. I told that I did in the past, which is why I asked him to move out. But that it wasn't his fault, it was because of my actions and feeling like it was my responsibility to take care of everything. That I needed to learn how to let go to let him live his own life. He said I let go too far.
He tells me he loves me, he has always loved me. That he will never love anyone else. Then he asks why can't I tell him I love him....give him a hug. I know I have explained this before.....WHY Don't he listen? Or is it that he don't remember?
He ran out of minutes on his phone. He just sent me a text that said ..... weak
I am so ready for this to be done. Why can't I do it? Is it because I believe some of the blame he throws me? Is it b/c his words make me feel guilty?
He said our marriage was so strong. That we could get through anything. Was I that good at hiding how much I hurt? or is it that I just got tired of excepting what I really didn't want?
He was being rude and disrespectful. I asked him if this was another vacation (the weekend I came back from my vacation and found him at the b bar he said he just took a vacation). He said, "just another broken promise from another man". He said he was much different than other men, better, and stronger.
He called me weak, then he called my family weak. I stayed strong and didn't argue....my kids were in the car. I told him he needed to back up off my car, that I was leaving.
So he called me. Talking about me being weak, when I asked him to explain he couldn't. Started saying that it was because he was a stupid drunk blah blah blah.
He told me I treat him like ****. I asked him to explain to me how I treat him like ****. He said I didn't, he was just a stupid drunk who didn't know what he was talking about.
Asked me what he's ever done to me. I told him it was stuff like this. He did something really nice for me last week. I thought we were doing better, he was more positive talking about what he could do instead of who was doing him wrong. Then this happens.
Said he was mad cause I won't ask him to put his ring back on. I told him that I honestly don't want him to because he took it off his finger, said it was a joke and threw it in the street. He's only got it back b/c I went back and found it. I took mine off too and I told him if he wants me to wear his ring, he's going to have to buy me a new one...that the meaning that was behind our rings was ruined to me and I don't want to wear it. I told him that him saying it was a joke hurt me. He started more blah blah blah
He said My family was weak. I told him that regardless of what he may think of my family, if he wants to be with me that he needs to accept them for who they are. That I would never put down his family and I don't appreciate him putting down mine.
He said they all, including me, have our heads up our a$$. I asked him to explain. He couldn't.
Babblings of a drunk.
Said he's been down because of financial things and of course he has to throw me in there, and that was why he couldn't come over today. I told him that he said he would call me back and I felt he could have at least done that.
He said that I never say I want to be with him, but I asked him to go to the fireworks with us yesterday and he didn't (his choice, I was bothered by it realized I couldn't change it and accepted it). He said I should have told him that I wanted him to go, instead of asking if he wanted to.
He kept digging into the past about how I've treated him since we seperated (I think). I told him that he was the one who told me I needed to stop going into the past...so why is he doing it.
I just don't know........... Why am i still here?
He said I put him down and look down on him. I told that I did in the past, which is why I asked him to move out. But that it wasn't his fault, it was because of my actions and feeling like it was my responsibility to take care of everything. That I needed to learn how to let go to let him live his own life. He said I let go too far.
He tells me he loves me, he has always loved me. That he will never love anyone else. Then he asks why can't I tell him I love him....give him a hug. I know I have explained this before.....WHY Don't he listen? Or is it that he don't remember?
He ran out of minutes on his phone. He just sent me a text that said ..... weak
I am so ready for this to be done. Why can't I do it? Is it because I believe some of the blame he throws me? Is it b/c his words make me feel guilty?
He said our marriage was so strong. That we could get through anything. Was I that good at hiding how much I hurt? or is it that I just got tired of excepting what I really didn't want?
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Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
You have to decide whether the trade-off is worth it to you to keep up the dance.
One week, sweet, the next a total turn around.
You can always hang up.
Somewhere, Teach put up a good list of ways to do that.
With me it would be simply I do not want to have this conversation, I am going to hang up. Click.
And I use call screening.
jmo
live
One week, sweet, the next a total turn around.
You can always hang up.
Somewhere, Teach put up a good list of ways to do that.
With me it would be simply I do not want to have this conversation, I am going to hang up. Click.
And I use call screening.
jmo
live
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Thank you Live.
I feel like I'm wearing out my welcome. Always complaining about AH and yet I do nothing about it.
I drove away and I hung up when he called. I can't see not answering when he calls back though. Just seems rude to ignore someone calling. Guess I'm a little twisted.
I feel like I'm wearing out my welcome. Always complaining about AH and yet I do nothing about it.
I drove away and I hung up when he called. I can't see not answering when he calls back though. Just seems rude to ignore someone calling. Guess I'm a little twisted.
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Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Litterbox City
Posts: 5,691
jess - you HAVE done things about it - good things for you - just because you slip occasionally doens't mean you haven't made progress on YOU. you will know when to walk off the dance floor girl!
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Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: In my own world...
Posts: 444
You'll never wear out your welcome. 
I hope not at least or mines about done too. That totally sounded like a conversation with my abf. He's also good at remembering only parts of previous conversations we've had, only the parts convenient for him. If you are uncomfortable ignoring his calls, how about just telling him it's not a good time to talk and you'll call back when you're ready? It's far too hard to make sense of a senseless conversation with them sometimes, like trying to put your head through concrete.
Hang in there!
I hope not at least or mines about done too. That totally sounded like a conversation with my abf. He's also good at remembering only parts of previous conversations we've had, only the parts convenient for him. If you are uncomfortable ignoring his calls, how about just telling him it's not a good time to talk and you'll call back when you're ready? It's far too hard to make sense of a senseless conversation with them sometimes, like trying to put your head through concrete. Hang in there!
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Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
Jess, hon, he's talking about himself!! He's projecting the feelings he has about who he is onto you and your family. And I reckon it all came out because you "caught" him going into the bar. Please don't forget that you can't have a meaningful conversation with someone who is in active addiction. It's all smoke and mirrors and doesn't get anyone anywhere.
As for the phone - I learnt to realise that it is MY phone, so I could choose when I answered it. That lesson, that I learnt on here, has saved me so much grief.
Keep polishing those recovery tools.
As for the phone - I learnt to realise that it is MY phone, so I could choose when I answered it. That lesson, that I learnt on here, has saved me so much grief.
Keep polishing those recovery tools.
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Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Sussex, NJ
Posts: 1,331
He told me I treat him like ****. I asked him to explain to me how I treat him like ****. He said I didn't, he was just a stupid drunk who didn't know what he was talking about.
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Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: Canada
Posts: 727
Folks can blame me for all that they want to.
The issue is,am i accepting this,blame,holding onto it.Just because someone has said something to me.Does not mean that its true.You know the truth,inside.Embrace truth,not anothers fiction/opinions,if/when they dont apply.
If i squeeze and orange.I will not get apple juice out of it.I give to others.Exactly what/how i feel about myself.
Throwing the ball back to others.Its all in their ball-court.
Choice to be hurt,or not hurt.This ball,"is" in my court.
Pray for those who hurt you.This will give you peace,no matter what.
God Bless,take care!!!!!!!!
The issue is,am i accepting this,blame,holding onto it.Just because someone has said something to me.Does not mean that its true.You know the truth,inside.Embrace truth,not anothers fiction/opinions,if/when they dont apply.
If i squeeze and orange.I will not get apple juice out of it.I give to others.Exactly what/how i feel about myself.
Throwing the ball back to others.Its all in their ball-court.
Choice to be hurt,or not hurt.This ball,"is" in my court.
Pray for those who hurt you.This will give you peace,no matter what.
God Bless,take care!!!!!!!!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
Not tired of you at all. I don't want to admit how many times I left and came back with exabf!
But, let me throw you a little curve, how about it is rude to keep calling and pestering (harassing) someone when you have just said you don't wish to talk now.
My sick little self watches how many times they call and thinks how frustrated they must be at not getting the chance to verbally abuse me more...and laughs, thinking, it is your turn buster!
If you answer the phone the 2d or 3d or 4th time, that just teaches them to keep it up until you answer!
And, if you see him around the bar, you might just presume that it is not a good time to talk. I made that mistake. And it was, for me, always a mistake. Like an invitation for more grief.
keep on keeping on!
It is a slow process, but progress is progress, okay?
hugs,
live
But, let me throw you a little curve, how about it is rude to keep calling and pestering (harassing) someone when you have just said you don't wish to talk now.
My sick little self watches how many times they call and thinks how frustrated they must be at not getting the chance to verbally abuse me more...and laughs, thinking, it is your turn buster!
If you answer the phone the 2d or 3d or 4th time, that just teaches them to keep it up until you answer!
And, if you see him around the bar, you might just presume that it is not a good time to talk. I made that mistake. And it was, for me, always a mistake. Like an invitation for more grief.
keep on keeping on!
It is a slow process, but progress is progress, okay?
hugs,
live
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Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Sussex, NJ
Posts: 1,331
He said I didn't, he was just a stupid drunk who didn't know what he was talking about.
My husband, who celebrates 2 years this month still calls himself a stupid drunk and he is recovering.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Chaos City
Posts: 605
Jessica, if you have warn out your welcome, then I should be banned. This is a place that I can come and express myself, and if not be heard, atleast get it out. I hope you never feel like you cant express yourself here, I believe this is where God led me, because I was about to go crazy by myself.
It helps me no matter how, I look at it. Somtimes I come here just to be able to get it out, because I dont feel like I can tell anyone in person.
I for one understand the tug of war, we seem to go through. my AH gives me a glimpse ever so often of what it could be. But that glimpse isnt real, it is what it is a glimpse.
Please, take care of you, and what you need for yourself and your kids, there is where you will get real results.
Take care, lots of hugs
Emily
It helps me no matter how, I look at it. Somtimes I come here just to be able to get it out, because I dont feel like I can tell anyone in person.
I for one understand the tug of war, we seem to go through. my AH gives me a glimpse ever so often of what it could be. But that glimpse isnt real, it is what it is a glimpse.
Please, take care of you, and what you need for yourself and your kids, there is where you will get real results.
Take care, lots of hugs
Emily
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Minnie hit the nail on the head....
I kept thinking everytime I read the word weak,,,that he was, sub-consciously, referring to himself. He was projecting onto you the way he feels about himself.
He is in no shape to "get it", or to have an awareness of how you feel about anything.
It dawned on me yesterday, thatmy former husband should be considered "out of town". He lives here, but certainly is out of touch with all reality, so therefore he must be out of town. If I look at him in that perspective, then I wont expect him to be aware of whts going on "in-town". Makes it a bit easier to cope.
I kept thinking everytime I read the word weak,,,that he was, sub-consciously, referring to himself. He was projecting onto you the way he feels about himself.
He is in no shape to "get it", or to have an awareness of how you feel about anything.
It dawned on me yesterday, thatmy former husband should be considered "out of town". He lives here, but certainly is out of touch with all reality, so therefore he must be out of town. If I look at him in that perspective, then I wont expect him to be aware of whts going on "in-town". Makes it a bit easier to cope.
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Join Date: Sep 2003
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Posts: 338
Hi Jessica,
I know what you mean about wanting to not wear out your welcome. I feel so often like 'ok people are probably getting sick of me' either on boards or alanon. But when I see someone else write that I think no way that's what we are here for.
I think what's been said is pretty good already. About it mainly being a projection on to you, about just don't stop next time when you see him, etc.
It's hard when these things get said, I still have such a problem with what my ex thinks of me. I am going to have to get over it I guess, since I can't change it. Sure do wish I could but I don't think it's going to happen. But when it does and it bothers me, I will be on here talking about it. This stuff does not just heal overnight!
Sending warm thoughts your way.
I know what you mean about wanting to not wear out your welcome. I feel so often like 'ok people are probably getting sick of me' either on boards or alanon. But when I see someone else write that I think no way that's what we are here for.
I think what's been said is pretty good already. About it mainly being a projection on to you, about just don't stop next time when you see him, etc.
It's hard when these things get said, I still have such a problem with what my ex thinks of me. I am going to have to get over it I guess, since I can't change it. Sure do wish I could but I don't think it's going to happen. But when it does and it bothers me, I will be on here talking about it. This stuff does not just heal overnight!
Sending warm thoughts your way.
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Thank you all. I guess I just feel like ....like cloudy said.... people are getting tired of hearing me complain. But this is my only source of refuge....so you're all stuck with me.
I talked to him today. Things are not going well for him (possible eviction, gas and electric about to get shut off, might loose his car - he is working full time....these are the consequences of HIS actions....I CANNOT HELP HIM, and I have not offered). He blamed his behavior on everything that was going on. Of course!!
I told him that I was extremely offended by what he said about me and my family. That I felt he was wrong. and his comment about "why don't you marry your brother" was just plain stupid. He apologized. But it don't mean anything. Action....not words. His words mean nothing to me anymore.
OH yeah....and he tried to put the blame on me by saying I went up there to start **** with him. I told him to really think hard about that one. Would I really do that with the kids in the car? I was headed home from my mom's and was stoping at the drive thru. He said he "assumed" wrong.
I talked to him today. Things are not going well for him (possible eviction, gas and electric about to get shut off, might loose his car - he is working full time....these are the consequences of HIS actions....I CANNOT HELP HIM, and I have not offered). He blamed his behavior on everything that was going on. Of course!!
I told him that I was extremely offended by what he said about me and my family. That I felt he was wrong. and his comment about "why don't you marry your brother" was just plain stupid. He apologized. But it don't mean anything. Action....not words. His words mean nothing to me anymore.
OH yeah....and he tried to put the blame on me by saying I went up there to start **** with him. I told him to really think hard about that one. Would I really do that with the kids in the car? I was headed home from my mom's and was stoping at the drive thru. He said he "assumed" wrong.
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Join Date: Apr 2005
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He will just keep doing what he is doing as long as you let him hon.
Maybe try thinking about how rude it is to let him make a fool of himself by talking to you when he is drunk. I would think that he would have less to apologize for if you refuse to take his call and he could not make an A** out of himself. *shrugs* just a thought. It took me along time not to take my ex-abf's calls too, One thing my sponsor told me one time is If a man tells you he is not good enough for you, he is probably right... so Im guessing that your A is right too and until he changes himself there is just no point in listening to things that will only hurt you.
Its all about you now hon, taking care of you and working your recovery
Maybe try thinking about how rude it is to let him make a fool of himself by talking to you when he is drunk. I would think that he would have less to apologize for if you refuse to take his call and he could not make an A** out of himself. *shrugs* just a thought. It took me along time not to take my ex-abf's calls too, One thing my sponsor told me one time is If a man tells you he is not good enough for you, he is probably right... so Im guessing that your A is right too and until he changes himself there is just no point in listening to things that will only hurt you.
Its all about you now hon, taking care of you and working your recovery
Reach Out and Touch Faith
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: On a Sailboat
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Originally Posted by JessicaNAJ
Thank you all. I guess I just feel like ....like cloudy said.... people are getting tired of hearing me complain. But this is my only source of refuge....so you're all stuck with me.
Alcohol is a cruel mistress!!!
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: crownpoint newyork
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If it was me I would not have stopped at the bar. You can never win when talking to someone who is drinking. If you must speak to him I would do it in the a.m. or when you know he is sober. I avoid bars at all costs!!! Kerry
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Join Date: Jun 2003
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Jess -
One of my boundaries with my ex towards the end was that I would not talk to him when he was drinking. If he called I would just tell him that I was going to hang up because I would not talk to him when he was like that. He would call and I would hang up. If he continued to call I wouldn't answer the phone. It was alot easier on my stress level!
This might be hard to hear but he has told you he is a "stupid drunk blah, blah, blah" and it might be best for you to just accept him as that. It might be easier for you to decide what you want to do if you accept that is who he has become. What you remember no longer exists. Could it in the future? Who knows, but for now that is who he is.
Hugs, Jo
One of my boundaries with my ex towards the end was that I would not talk to him when he was drinking. If he called I would just tell him that I was going to hang up because I would not talk to him when he was like that. He would call and I would hang up. If he continued to call I wouldn't answer the phone. It was alot easier on my stress level!
This might be hard to hear but he has told you he is a "stupid drunk blah, blah, blah" and it might be best for you to just accept him as that. It might be easier for you to decide what you want to do if you accept that is who he has become. What you remember no longer exists. Could it in the future? Who knows, but for now that is who he is.
Hugs, Jo
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