"Your Alanon Gimmick"!!!!!!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: nowheresville
Posts: 872
"Your Alanon Gimmick"!!!!!!!
Hi Everyone,
As I decided a week ago that I've had enough of my S.O evading and avoiding his responsibilities (his paperwork to come to Canada, right now he can't even visit) I decided to stay home and not see him.
He isn't overly happy as it means he is loosing his comfort zone. I'm tired of dealing with someone who doesn't follow their words up with actions. I think it's called "incongruency".
I'm focussing on my pattern which is to over-compensate for his lack of action. This is a pattern I've carried through the relationships in my life. I think overcompensating is another word for ...........enabling!
Basically I realized after doing alot of thinking last week that I've been living the classic alcoholic/co-dependent relationship without the alcohol, waiting for him to get his crap together and overdoing on my end to make up for the lack of action on his.
Anyways last night I go to my friends house for supper,she's a fellow alanoner. Basically we talked about the importance of taking care of ourselves,focussing on ourselves and our part.
So, later that evening after I get home I'm talking to the S.O on the phone and I get this:
"So did you get yourself all straightened out"?
"You know your "Alanon Gimmick" that you have going there".
I calmly replied that we just talked about the importance of taking care of ourselves.
And then he's getting very angry. "Well you go and take care of yourself then and I'll talk to you sometime."
I said very calmly "I will and talk to you sometime,goodbye."
As he is sitting there in self-pity and he's basically brought it all on himself by his own actions.
Ngaire
As I decided a week ago that I've had enough of my S.O evading and avoiding his responsibilities (his paperwork to come to Canada, right now he can't even visit) I decided to stay home and not see him.
He isn't overly happy as it means he is loosing his comfort zone. I'm tired of dealing with someone who doesn't follow their words up with actions. I think it's called "incongruency".
I'm focussing on my pattern which is to over-compensate for his lack of action. This is a pattern I've carried through the relationships in my life. I think overcompensating is another word for ...........enabling!
Basically I realized after doing alot of thinking last week that I've been living the classic alcoholic/co-dependent relationship without the alcohol, waiting for him to get his crap together and overdoing on my end to make up for the lack of action on his.
Anyways last night I go to my friends house for supper,she's a fellow alanoner. Basically we talked about the importance of taking care of ourselves,focussing on ourselves and our part.
So, later that evening after I get home I'm talking to the S.O on the phone and I get this:
"So did you get yourself all straightened out"?
"You know your "Alanon Gimmick" that you have going there".
I calmly replied that we just talked about the importance of taking care of ourselves.
And then he's getting very angry. "Well you go and take care of yourself then and I'll talk to you sometime."
I said very calmly "I will and talk to you sometime,goodbye."
As he is sitting there in self-pity and he's basically brought it all on himself by his own actions.
Ngaire
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: nowheresville
Posts: 872
Hi,
It infuriated me at the time, now it's just plain depressing.
I feel like saying F...it!
I was reading about the three A's last Awareness, Acceptance and Action. Believe me today I'd like to jump right to ACTION!!!!!!!!!!!! AND SAY F.....It!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ngaire
It infuriated me at the time, now it's just plain depressing.
I feel like saying F...it!
I was reading about the three A's last Awareness, Acceptance and Action. Believe me today I'd like to jump right to ACTION!!!!!!!!!!!! AND SAY F.....It!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ngaire
1000 Post Club
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Recoveryville, USA
Posts: 1,297
ITs just his disease talking. You know..... disease CANT stand when someone is healthy and focusing NOT on the alcoholic. Hey, you were taking the "Its all about YOU, honey" away from him!
Poor him
Sounds like you've had a great "a-ha!" moment. Cherish it!
Poor him
Sounds like you've had a great "a-ha!" moment. Cherish it!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Ohio
Posts: 2,579
Thanks........I needed that!
I have been realizing just how much of his weight around the house and with the kids I have been pulling for years.............when it started, there may have been a valid "reason", but.......... I also think I have done so many things because it is easier than the hassles involved (like doing things for the kids sometimes; it was/is simpler,easier,faster to do myself in some circumstances),but that is how they have to learn, so in the long run it is not helpful to any of us.
Thanks....and hope today is a good one for you. Glad you posted this. It helped me.
I have been realizing just how much of his weight around the house and with the kids I have been pulling for years.............when it started, there may have been a valid "reason", but.......... I also think I have done so many things because it is easier than the hassles involved (like doing things for the kids sometimes; it was/is simpler,easier,faster to do myself in some circumstances),but that is how they have to learn, so in the long run it is not helpful to any of us.
Thanks....and hope today is a good one for you. Glad you posted this. It helped me.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
Ngaire,
I know you to be one smart cookie!!! And you have an uncanny ability to zoom right in on the main point of things. I see this so often in your posts to others and truly admire it. Hope I grow up to be more like you in this aspect!
Angry would be an appropriate emotional response. And what you do next, I am 100% sure it will be the next right thing!
hugs,
live
I know you to be one smart cookie!!! And you have an uncanny ability to zoom right in on the main point of things. I see this so often in your posts to others and truly admire it. Hope I grow up to be more like you in this aspect!
Angry would be an appropriate emotional response. And what you do next, I am 100% sure it will be the next right thing!
hugs,
live
Member
Join Date: Jan 2003
Posts: 4,955
Gads ngaire, they have to make fun of Alanon dontcha know.
Otherwise, they would have to face up to the truth of why you need to be there in the first place.
Oops, that would mean something was wrong.
Oops, that would mean you are having trouble dealing with someone's drinking problem.
Oops, that would mean THEY have a drinking problem.
Oops, we can't have that, so let's just make fun of it.
I'm glad you can see right through that and get on with the business at hand...namely you, and your recovery.
Otherwise, they would have to face up to the truth of why you need to be there in the first place.
Oops, that would mean something was wrong.
Oops, that would mean you are having trouble dealing with someone's drinking problem.
Oops, that would mean THEY have a drinking problem.
Oops, we can't have that, so let's just make fun of it.
I'm glad you can see right through that and get on with the business at hand...namely you, and your recovery.
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: In Search of Finding ME!
Posts: 1,246
I always believed that my ah was the strong one in our marriage. I looked up to him and relied on him in a medical crises or things that I just couldn't bear to handle.
Ironically, it was some time after we'd split up and I was actually taking care of myself, the kids, the bills, the house, etc etc etc, I realized that I was stronger than I thought.
After ah learned to really talk to me and communicate, he told me one night on the phone how it's very hard for a man to admit how much he relies on his spouse. And that he had always considered ME to be the strong one in our marriage. I was the one that always took care of everything, I'm the one that did it all, and he always relied on me! Wow! I was really shocked because as he gave examples and so forth during this conversation, I really could see that he was right. I was the strong one!
(And I honestly wonder sometimes if that's why he wants me back so badly. And he's admitted that he's completely lost without me - with the bills, how to handle the kids, etc - but that's another post, lol)
The point is - the previous posters are right. By taking the focus off of him - you're growing stronger. You're seeing through his charade. He surely doesn't like that! He wants you to keep taking care of things, including the relationship.
Congratulations on realizing how it is. Those light bulb moments truly are educational, aren't they?
Ironically, it was some time after we'd split up and I was actually taking care of myself, the kids, the bills, the house, etc etc etc, I realized that I was stronger than I thought.
After ah learned to really talk to me and communicate, he told me one night on the phone how it's very hard for a man to admit how much he relies on his spouse. And that he had always considered ME to be the strong one in our marriage. I was the one that always took care of everything, I'm the one that did it all, and he always relied on me! Wow! I was really shocked because as he gave examples and so forth during this conversation, I really could see that he was right. I was the strong one!
(And I honestly wonder sometimes if that's why he wants me back so badly. And he's admitted that he's completely lost without me - with the bills, how to handle the kids, etc - but that's another post, lol)
The point is - the previous posters are right. By taking the focus off of him - you're growing stronger. You're seeing through his charade. He surely doesn't like that! He wants you to keep taking care of things, including the relationship.
Congratulations on realizing how it is. Those light bulb moments truly are educational, aren't they?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
Ngaire,
Anger can have legitimate purposes. It motivates us and gives us energy. It was placed in us to help us protect ourselves amongst other reasons!
I am not going to give you any advice, only what support I can. I KNOW you understand all the dynamics.
oops, yes I am, you can give it space and put the ball back in his court if ya think it will bring you clarity or help resolve this problem. Or, sure, you can say, this is too much of a drain on me, I love you but I am letting you go for both our sakes. Or F___k you running, I like to be pursued too. Your efforts have been lame, and I am not interested in excuses. There are lots of fish in the sea. Good luck and bye. Or I prefer to separate for the time being, I care for you but this is not working out right now. Maybe later. I am smiling think of the Simon and Garfunkle song "There must be fifty ways to leave your lover" Just slip out the back, Jack. Make a new plan, Stan. No need to be coy, Roy. Just.....
Anger can have legitimate purposes. It motivates us and gives us energy. It was placed in us to help us protect ourselves amongst other reasons!
I am not going to give you any advice, only what support I can. I KNOW you understand all the dynamics.
oops, yes I am, you can give it space and put the ball back in his court if ya think it will bring you clarity or help resolve this problem. Or, sure, you can say, this is too much of a drain on me, I love you but I am letting you go for both our sakes. Or F___k you running, I like to be pursued too. Your efforts have been lame, and I am not interested in excuses. There are lots of fish in the sea. Good luck and bye. Or I prefer to separate for the time being, I care for you but this is not working out right now. Maybe later. I am smiling think of the Simon and Garfunkle song "There must be fifty ways to leave your lover" Just slip out the back, Jack. Make a new plan, Stan. No need to be coy, Roy. Just.....
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
I know me, this is probably where I would become a haughty wiseass.
And invite him to Canada to attend an al-anon with you to help you understand it better so that it is not such a problem in your life and between you.
guffaws!!!!!
live
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