10 year relationship at the brink..insight needed
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Denver, CO
Posts: 3
10 year relationship at the brink..insight needed
Hi everyone...
I am new to this forum, and have read many of the posts. I saw others suggesting new members start their own thread, so here is my story if anyone can offer some insight.
My partner and I have been together for 10 years this coming October, although I am having doubts that we will be together on that day. Things were going so well for the first 8 years, hardly ever even argued and were such great friends with many common interests and a willingness to venture into territory only familiar to the other. We moved away from VA to CO - he wanted to try a new area, even though both our lives were pretty stable and successful. He didn't find work for quite a while which I think was the start of his Alcohol issues. He got depressed and his self esteem was dropping, since he felt contributing to the household income was essential (it wasn't to me, I was making enough to support us through that time). I would be supportive, trying to get him to value the extra things he could get done around the house, and to try enjoying a little 'time off' while it was available.
And here is where the A issue really got going... he made some friends who opened a bar, and they asked him to tend bar at night (even though he had no experience). I thought it was a good 'temporary' job, while he continued looking for 'real' work or go back to school. It would help the esteem making $, and hopefully get him out of the funk he was increasingly in. Well 'temp' became more than a year, with staying out til the sun came up and drinking more and more every day. He started equating having his bar patron 'friends' and drinking to the only 'fun' in his life.
He did finally quit the bar (after me continually prodding him to get started with his 'real' life), and started back to school, which I hoped would start the process of getting back on a good path. I told him I would support him through the first quarter of school financially, and then he would have some coursework under his belt for getting a part time job in his new field. The problem is, the daily drinking has continued, heavily some days. He spends up to $300 some weeks, which is of course NOT part of the financial support I was envisioning.
I have seen my 'enabling' actions progress throughout the last few months. Yelling at him, pleading to get help, throwing him out unless he went with me to get help, cutting myself off from friends and family in the process. Reluctantly, he did go see a counselor with me three times, but the counselor was horrid (didn't even talk about the ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM!). I suggested we get a new one, but he said he was done with that.
I know he needs to decide he has alcohol issues, and that I can't do anything about this decision HE has to make. I have gone to two AlAnon meetings for ME, said nothing, as I feel as if I will start bawling like a little baby. They were talking about 'Step 9' (making amends), which I just don't understand why or who I would need to apologize to, but maybe I will figure that out later
Yesterday, I got home from work and bashed him, as I smelled alcohol on his breath. Big argument ensued, told him I was ready for this to be OVER - I don't want to continue being dragged down the hole, and he still thinks he has no problem - it's so laughable! He left, and didn't come home last night.
I just don't know what to do. I know alcohol is a disease, and I would NEVER leave him if he got cancer (even if he refused treatment), but for some reason I don't have the same thought with alcoholism. Why is that? Plus, I have major guilt now for asking him to leave, while trying to get himself established in a new career. I know he is a 'big boy' and has to lie in the bed he has made though, and I guess I do too, enabler that I was/am. I am bitter and sad, and wish for a semblance of the life we had.
How can you continue living with an alcoholic, and while not enabling, hold him accountable for his actions?
I am new to this forum, and have read many of the posts. I saw others suggesting new members start their own thread, so here is my story if anyone can offer some insight.
My partner and I have been together for 10 years this coming October, although I am having doubts that we will be together on that day. Things were going so well for the first 8 years, hardly ever even argued and were such great friends with many common interests and a willingness to venture into territory only familiar to the other. We moved away from VA to CO - he wanted to try a new area, even though both our lives were pretty stable and successful. He didn't find work for quite a while which I think was the start of his Alcohol issues. He got depressed and his self esteem was dropping, since he felt contributing to the household income was essential (it wasn't to me, I was making enough to support us through that time). I would be supportive, trying to get him to value the extra things he could get done around the house, and to try enjoying a little 'time off' while it was available.
And here is where the A issue really got going... he made some friends who opened a bar, and they asked him to tend bar at night (even though he had no experience). I thought it was a good 'temporary' job, while he continued looking for 'real' work or go back to school. It would help the esteem making $, and hopefully get him out of the funk he was increasingly in. Well 'temp' became more than a year, with staying out til the sun came up and drinking more and more every day. He started equating having his bar patron 'friends' and drinking to the only 'fun' in his life.
He did finally quit the bar (after me continually prodding him to get started with his 'real' life), and started back to school, which I hoped would start the process of getting back on a good path. I told him I would support him through the first quarter of school financially, and then he would have some coursework under his belt for getting a part time job in his new field. The problem is, the daily drinking has continued, heavily some days. He spends up to $300 some weeks, which is of course NOT part of the financial support I was envisioning.
I have seen my 'enabling' actions progress throughout the last few months. Yelling at him, pleading to get help, throwing him out unless he went with me to get help, cutting myself off from friends and family in the process. Reluctantly, he did go see a counselor with me three times, but the counselor was horrid (didn't even talk about the ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM!). I suggested we get a new one, but he said he was done with that.
I know he needs to decide he has alcohol issues, and that I can't do anything about this decision HE has to make. I have gone to two AlAnon meetings for ME, said nothing, as I feel as if I will start bawling like a little baby. They were talking about 'Step 9' (making amends), which I just don't understand why or who I would need to apologize to, but maybe I will figure that out later
Yesterday, I got home from work and bashed him, as I smelled alcohol on his breath. Big argument ensued, told him I was ready for this to be OVER - I don't want to continue being dragged down the hole, and he still thinks he has no problem - it's so laughable! He left, and didn't come home last night.
I just don't know what to do. I know alcohol is a disease, and I would NEVER leave him if he got cancer (even if he refused treatment), but for some reason I don't have the same thought with alcoholism. Why is that? Plus, I have major guilt now for asking him to leave, while trying to get himself established in a new career. I know he is a 'big boy' and has to lie in the bed he has made though, and I guess I do too, enabler that I was/am. I am bitter and sad, and wish for a semblance of the life we had.
How can you continue living with an alcoholic, and while not enabling, hold him accountable for his actions?
Don't get undies in a bunch
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Shore MA
Posts: 7,120
With understanding, support, and lots of prayers is how you live with anyone with any issues.
Boundaries set and held to are put in place to help you keep your own space in working order.
Step 9... the first one you need to make amends to... Yourself.
Forgive yourself and don't continue taking the blame as you grow and learn.
His issues are his to deal with. Look at self and if you find any need, seek correction for self.
Keep gathering support from those meetings. Took us time to get where we are, it will take us time to get where we want to be. Meetings, reading, and time, will give you many answers and solutions.
Boundaries set and held to are put in place to help you keep your own space in working order.
Step 9... the first one you need to make amends to... Yourself.
Forgive yourself and don't continue taking the blame as you grow and learn.
His issues are his to deal with. Look at self and if you find any need, seek correction for self.
Keep gathering support from those meetings. Took us time to get where we are, it will take us time to get where we want to be. Meetings, reading, and time, will give you many answers and solutions.
1000 Post Club
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Recoveryville, USA
Posts: 1,297
One damn day at a time?
Thats what works for me....and a huge commitment on my part to focus on me and my recovery.
Keep going to meetings..the help, hope and soultions are there......
You cant control it
You cant cure it
You didnt cause it
But we can contribute to it.........unless and until we learn differently....keep coming back, and welcome!
Thats what works for me....and a huge commitment on my part to focus on me and my recovery.
Keep going to meetings..the help, hope and soultions are there......
You cant control it
You cant cure it
You didnt cause it
But we can contribute to it.........unless and until we learn differently....keep coming back, and welcome!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Denver, CO
Posts: 3
Originally Posted by best
Boundaries set and held to are put in place to help you keep your own space in working order..
Thanks to 'best' and 'FriendofBill' for your thoughts. I have read many responses from Friend, and I appreciate how candid you are. My mind totally accepts what you say, but my heart is constantly considering the 10 yr. relationship that it doesn't want to end.
Can you offer a suggestion on helping him get the picture that what is going on is unacceptable to me without brow beating him or ignoring the problem? Usually we discuss the issue, I work hard to stay calm, but he of course gets his undies in a bunch quickly.
Acting not reacting
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: My happy place
Posts: 1,788
Hello and Welcome!
Wow, I know what you are going through. The alcoholic in my life also worked ion a bar for 10 years. I learned that the bar was not the problem, just a contribution. Generally speaking, people working in that environment are much more carefree and tend to party more. Just my observation....but not the root of the problem by any means.
Next: you wrote:
How can you continue living with an alcoholic, and while not enabling, hold him accountable for his actions?
People do what works for them. You can only hold yourself accountable for your actions. Holding yourself accountable for not enabling will be the only way he will learn that you are not accepting the consequences of his actions anymore. He will be forced to hold himself accountable if you stop holding yourself accountable. What I mean by holding yourseelf accountable are these kind of things.
-Supporting him financially ( I did this and trust me, IT DOESNT WORK!)
-Begging him to go to therapy
-Telling him he has a drinking problem (he may see you as the problem if you do this)
The chances of recovery greatly increase when the consequences of the addicts actions become theirs.
About the cancer analagy. I asked that once and here is what someone told me..
How would you feel if they had lung cancer and wouldnt get chemo, wouldnt take medicine and continued to smoke cigarettes and work around asbestos?
I am not telling you to leave him by any means. You do, however, have to take the focus off of him and start focusing on yourself. He will learn what is not acceptable to you if you stop tolerating certain behaviors. That doesnt mean being mean to him, just simply boundaries...May I recommend some awesome books?
Boundries by Cloud and Townsend-EXCELLENT BOOK
Codependent No More- Melody Beattie
Keep reading and coming back here
Sarah Elizabeth
Wow, I know what you are going through. The alcoholic in my life also worked ion a bar for 10 years. I learned that the bar was not the problem, just a contribution. Generally speaking, people working in that environment are much more carefree and tend to party more. Just my observation....but not the root of the problem by any means.
Next: you wrote:
How can you continue living with an alcoholic, and while not enabling, hold him accountable for his actions?
People do what works for them. You can only hold yourself accountable for your actions. Holding yourself accountable for not enabling will be the only way he will learn that you are not accepting the consequences of his actions anymore. He will be forced to hold himself accountable if you stop holding yourself accountable. What I mean by holding yourseelf accountable are these kind of things.
-Supporting him financially ( I did this and trust me, IT DOESNT WORK!)
-Begging him to go to therapy
-Telling him he has a drinking problem (he may see you as the problem if you do this)
The chances of recovery greatly increase when the consequences of the addicts actions become theirs.
About the cancer analagy. I asked that once and here is what someone told me..
How would you feel if they had lung cancer and wouldnt get chemo, wouldnt take medicine and continued to smoke cigarettes and work around asbestos?
I am not telling you to leave him by any means. You do, however, have to take the focus off of him and start focusing on yourself. He will learn what is not acceptable to you if you stop tolerating certain behaviors. That doesnt mean being mean to him, just simply boundaries...May I recommend some awesome books?
Boundries by Cloud and Townsend-EXCELLENT BOOK
Codependent No More- Melody Beattie
Keep reading and coming back here
Sarah Elizabeth
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 1,637
My mind totally accepts what you say, but my heart is constantly considering the 10 yr. relationship that it doesn't want to end
The good news is that when I let go of the need to fix EVERYTHING (myself, my husband, my marriage) all at once, I suddenly had all sorts of energy to focus completely on fixing me!
Can you offer a suggestion on helping him get the picture that what is going on is unacceptable to me without brow beating him or ignoring the problem?
The key is remembering that the my boundaries are for me. They are not RULES that I want him to live by. They are guidelines to help me make choices in my best interest.
Just some of my thoughts!! Sounds to me like you've got a very good headstart!
:-) Shannon
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Anaheim,CA
Posts: 549
Can you offer a suggestion on helping him get the picture that what is going on is unacceptable to me without brow beating him or ignoring the problem?
and, btw, WELCOME!
1000 Post Club
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Recoveryville, USA
Posts: 1,297
Can you offer a suggestion on helping him get the picture that what is going on is unacceptable to me without brow beating him or ignoring the problem? Usually we discuss the issue, I work hard to stay calm, but he of course gets his undies in a bunch quickly.
and I usually get my undies in a complete wedgie when I try to get him to see the light ie: SNAP HIM OUT OF HIS DENIAL! Cant be done.
....trying to control alcoholic (Into reality) is like trying to shove a wet noodle up a cat's rumpus.
Sorry cat lovers 
... Cant be done.
What can be done?
Focusing on learning about this disease and how it affects me and what my part in it is. Thereby I am better able to act and re-act appropriately.
Have you ever tried to stand at the beach when a hurricane is approaching and hold your hands in the air in an effort to hold the winds back? That is what it is like to try to get an alcoholic to see the reality of thier disease.
But, its not impossible for YOU to get help.
and I usually get my undies in a complete wedgie when I try to get him to see the light ie: SNAP HIM OUT OF HIS DENIAL! Cant be done.
....trying to control alcoholic (Into reality) is like trying to shove a wet noodle up a cat's rumpus.
Sorry cat lovers 
... Cant be done.What can be done?
Focusing on learning about this disease and how it affects me and what my part in it is. Thereby I am better able to act and re-act appropriately.
Have you ever tried to stand at the beach when a hurricane is approaching and hold your hands in the air in an effort to hold the winds back? That is what it is like to try to get an alcoholic to see the reality of thier disease.
But, its not impossible for YOU to get help.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Denver, CO
Posts: 3
[QUOTE=FriendofBill]
....trying to control alcoholic (Into reality) is like trying to shove a wet noodle up a cat's rumpus. Sorry cat lovers ... Cant be done.
Have you ever tried to stand at the beach when a hurricane is approaching and hold your hands in the air in an effort to hold the winds back? That is what it is like to try to get an alcoholic to see the reality of thier disease.
QUOTE]
Again, Bill your visuals are so appropriate.
I will continue learning, reading and going to the meetings (which infuriates him by the way - I told him they were for me and my issues, but he feels otherwise...), as I have been in denial that I need help. It's amazing how much similiarity there is to being an alcoholic by not actively dealing with the elephant in my room.
'GettingBy' - you make a good point about issue resolution. I feel I need to 'fix' this...and right away! I will take a step back from this as you suggest.
Thanks to everyone for their comments/suggestions. You all are more help than you know.
....trying to control alcoholic (Into reality) is like trying to shove a wet noodle up a cat's rumpus.
Sorry cat lovers ... Cant be done.Have you ever tried to stand at the beach when a hurricane is approaching and hold your hands in the air in an effort to hold the winds back? That is what it is like to try to get an alcoholic to see the reality of thier disease.
QUOTE]
Again, Bill your visuals are so appropriate.
I will continue learning, reading and going to the meetings (which infuriates him by the way - I told him they were for me and my issues, but he feels otherwise...), as I have been in denial that I need help. It's amazing how much similiarity there is to being an alcoholic by not actively dealing with the elephant in my room.
'GettingBy' - you make a good point about issue resolution. I feel I need to 'fix' this...and right away! I will take a step back from this as you suggest.
Thanks to everyone for their comments/suggestions. You all are more help than you know.
Cruelty-Free
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Body: South Florida Heart: Yosemite National Park
Posts: 914
Hi Jman, and welcome to SR...
I appreciate your honesty and receptiveness as well as your questions and comments!
I agree with all who've posted above. I don't know what I could add except that there is a way through all of this. Recovery works...
Don't worry--not all meetings will be about Step 9!
Most of the groups where I live focus on the Step corresponding to the month on the first meeting of the month. After that, other topics are chosen, such as Detachment, Hope, Serenity... Many groups have one meeting a month as a Speaker Meeting, in which one Al-Anon member shares her/his recovery story. Meetings vary, but any meeting (to me) is a good meeting!
I hope you'll keep coming back!
Peace...
I appreciate your honesty and receptiveness as well as your questions and comments!
I agree with all who've posted above. I don't know what I could add except that there is a way through all of this. Recovery works...
Don't worry--not all meetings will be about Step 9!
Most of the groups where I live focus on the Step corresponding to the month on the first meeting of the month. After that, other topics are chosen, such as Detachment, Hope, Serenity... Many groups have one meeting a month as a Speaker Meeting, in which one Al-Anon member shares her/his recovery story. Meetings vary, but any meeting (to me) is a good meeting!I hope you'll keep coming back!
Peace...
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