Please help

Old 09-02-2005, 09:28 AM
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Exclamation Please help

I posted the following on a recovery chat board and was wondering if someone else in my situation would care to give some input:

My fiance is an alcoholic. He is a wonderful man and I fell in love with him despite his drinking. That was until we got involved and I saw the ugly side. I know he's trying but his method worries me more than the drinking itself.

For about two weeks he went without, I was in heaven. That was before I realized he was taking muscle relaxers to take the edge off the need. When he ran out of those, the drinking started up again in full force, this time with verbally abusive side effects. When he drank before, he was never verbally abusive.

Then he got sick with a cold and his sister bought him an over the counter cold medicine like nyquil. Again he tried to stop the drinking but then I noticed a couple of days ago, after having a beer, he took a dose of Nyquil. This was followed shortly by one more beer.

My son was over at his place and noticed his state. He was concerned enough to say something.

Nick is angry because no one is enabling him anymore and he seems to blame me. Part of me wants to just leave him to his drinking especially seeing what he;s doing when he's not drinking to supplement the feeling. The truth is, he is a very angry person who can't cope without a drink.

His mother was also an alcoholic and he has been drinking since the age of 15, that's about 30 years. Does anyone know if there is anything that I can do or do I just cut my losses to prevent him from OD'ing on some combination of something because he wants to make me happy by not drinking.

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Old 09-02-2005, 09:35 AM
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I know this isn't what you want to hear, but marrying him probably wouldn't be the best idea at this point. I married my AH, thinking that he would get better or that I could "help", but we all know that can't happen. He needs to want help and get help on his own. I don't regret marrying my husband because I love him, but if I had it to do all over again, I would've waited until he had at least a year of sobriety before I married him or just run in the opposite direction.
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Old 09-02-2005, 09:42 AM
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Oh by no means would I marry him until he got sober, I've told him that. As much as I love the man he is when he is sober, I hate the man he becomes whens he drinks. I don't know if I can explain, but his whole face changes when he's been drinking. He is a very beatiful man but when he drinks, its almost as if he ages before my eyes an becomes wizened. The psychological change is just as profound.
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Old 09-02-2005, 09:46 AM
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I know what you mean by his appearance changing. I can tell when my AH has been drinking just by the way he holds his mouth. Also, even after only taking one drink, his tone of voice changes, and I know he's been drinking. He is baffled by how I know, but I'm not about to tell him what changes their are because he'll get better at hiding them.
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Old 09-02-2005, 10:06 AM
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Brammy, Welcome to SR!
Does anyone know if there is anything that I can do
There's lots you can do.... for you and your son. Unfortunately, there's not anything you can do to help your fiance with his drinking. His drinking is just that, his drinking. You seem to have a very good awareness of his drinking and how it has changed him, effected him, etc, so maybe the next step would be to develop an awareness of how the drinking has effected you?

My husband and I have been together for 4 plus years, married for one of those years. His drinking was an issue from the day we met (at a company happy hour, not so ironically). He was a classic binge drinker, still living with his college buddies (even though he was 26 years old!), and drinking at least 5-6 days a week. He promised me that it would get better if we moved in together, and I believed him. For a while it did get better, and the frequency of binging did in fact decrease, but the quantity that he drank on those binges started to increase, and he starting switching to hard liquor. I in turn starting to get more and more aware, and starting trying to manipulate by calling him (trying to get him home b/c I thought that would get him to stop), and I threw temper tantrums, telling him how bad he was hurting me (thinking the pain he caused ME would be enough to get him to stop), it didn't. He also promised me that the drinking would go away when we bought the house, and then when we got married. It didn't. Again, the frequency slowed down, but the severity of the binges grew. The events may not have happened as often, but they were definetely getting more intense.

And along with that, the intensity of my focus on him and his drinking grew. It got to the point were I was so consumed with keeping him sober, or making him feel bad for his drinking, that I completely forgot how to live myself. Before long, I realized that I was sick, really sick. I had lost my identity, but I could tell you every little detail about where my husband was, what he was doing, who he was with, how he spent his money, how much he drank, etc. Ask me what I wanted for dinner and I would break down and cry. I had become so enmeshed in him and trying to control his drinking for him that I had no ability to take care of myself. I was a mess, borderline suicidal, and I had no clue how to get straightened back out. I knew I wanted a better life, but I assumed that it would happen if I could just get him to stop drinking.

Luckily, I was wrong.

I gave Al-anon a try, didn't like it at first b/c they just wouldn't give me the "secret" to their happiness (I thought they all knew how to get him to stop drinking and they were just holding out!). I don't remember exactly when the clarity came, it surely wasn't some great epiphany (or least a major A-ha moment), it's been a collection of smaller "Oh, okay, I'm starting to see!" moments.

My life is really awesome right now. I love myself, and I can tell you exactly what I want to do when I get out of work, what I want to eat, and all sorts of other things about me and my life. I couldn't tell you much about my husband. I don't know if he's going to get drunk tonight (he by the way is still very much active and is in no way near recovery!), and frankly, I don't care. My happiness is no longer dependent on what he does or doesn't do. My plans are no longer 100% dependent on him. If he doesn't show up after work, I have lots to do, no more sitting at home wondering, worrying, calling him frantically and begging him to spend time with me. He is an adult, free to make his own choices, and so am I. I love him now more than ever. I've been able to seperate the disease from him. There's still pain and grief, but I let go of the suffering. It's a challenge to live with an active alcoholic, but I've learned some incredible tools to protect myself from the behavior of the disease.

Right now I stay, will I be here forever? I don't know. Just for today. One step at a time. I couldn't do it without the support of Al-anon and the folks here. It helps to have people who have "been there, done that, got the t-shirt, thank you very much"!!

So to wrap up my longwinded ramble, I hope you keep coming back. Consider giving Al-anon a try, but most of realize that you're not alone. We all understand.

Blessings to you,
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Old 09-02-2005, 10:07 AM
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Welcome! I'm so glad you've found SR, it's a place where there are many who understand exactly how you're feeling. Most of us know and love or have loved people who are fabulous when sober and change radically when drinking.

I urge you to read, read, read all you can about this disease. There are powerposts and stickies at the top of this page. LOTS of great books are available. Alanon meetings are happening every day in your city, they're a great place to learn new skills that can be applied to many facets of life.

Again, welcome! I'm looking forward to getting to know you.
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Old 09-02-2005, 10:17 AM
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Gettingby, I understand everything you said. At one point I was there. Consumed with the fact that I felt he was slowly killing the man I loved. Luckily, we don't live together, so I have the choice not to be around when he drank and that's exactly what I choose to do. When he drinks, I go home or spend time with two young girls I mentor. He doesn't understand what all the fuss is about but I can tell you, he's been stone cold sober for two days. Of course day one was hell.

His sister is making the same choice. The last time he drank, he was sitting at the house alone (I live next door). I peeked in on him unknowingly and knew that he was thinking about being alone and why. I wanted to go to him but knew that would defeat the purpose.

I know that two days don't make a recovery but it is a start. Today, I'll just hope that tonight he decides to stay sober and worry about tomorrow when it comes...maybe. I have told him that if he chooses to drink... he chooses to do it alone.
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Old 09-02-2005, 11:23 AM
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Please read a lot of the posts here on SR.
You no doubt know, but click on name in box on left and read one starting from their first post. You will see what you might be in for.
Girfriends, wives and Mother are all bad for an alcoholic. (Just my opinion)

Remember on here, take what you can use and leave the rest.

If one can still get pregnant be aware the gene's get passed on, and an A is not good with step childern.
You can tell, that I believe it is best to RUN and never look back or have any contact.

I wouldn't recomend a so called normal male either without a lot of background knowledge.
It is human nature that both male and female are as nice as they can be untill they get someone hooked. (Smile), (ALWAYS EXCEPTIONS),
my comments are not set in stone, but it also appears that when they stop many are still miserable.
Get the book "Under the Influence" it explains the problems and why it is such a long hard road to recovery. If not in your library they will barrow it for you. Can be obtained on site internet also.
If you stay, Please attend Al-Anon meetings, as well as stick around here, This is the greatest site ever.
I come from having all my credits to be a drug and alcohol counselor plus reading all the books by recovering A's along with AA and Al-Anon meetings.
I lucked out with my A, so I do not share. He did not cross over into addiction till later in life and was a fun person.
Take care clancy46
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Old 09-02-2005, 01:12 PM
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Are you willing to go to any lengths....for YOU to get better and learn ablout alcoholism, how to help?

If so...........try Al-Anon
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