Starting over...where to go now
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: up north
Posts: 7
Starting over...where to go now
I've been away from SR for awhile, for various reasons. Too busy, too tired, A is sober, whatever. All just excuses. I decided last night that I needed to come back here, get to a meeting, and figure out whatever needs figuring out.
I'll start with a brief history and then try to limit the rest to under 10,000 words
My A and I have been together for over 7 years. I knew that he drank when we met and even questioned his drinking before we were married a year later. I had the illusion that our love would change him blah, blah, blah. A couple years into our marriage he entered treatment for 28 days. He maintained sobriety for a couple of months and since then has probably been sober about 30 days at the most at one time.
I've been supportive, quiet, angry, disgusted, sad, happy, and everything else in between. He's been in detox, taken medication, seen a counselor, attended meetings, etc. all in an effort to stop. His promises don't mean anything anymore.
The reason I feel that this is "worse" now than it was before is because of the businesses we own and how his drinking is affecting them. I know that I can't control his drinking and it takes everything I have not to comment to him or our employees but this is affecting me emotionally and now financially.
He's doing his own "program" at home; I'm not sure what exactly that means. He said he would go for outpatient help but hasn't made an attempt to do that. The last time he got quite drunk, he said I could divorce him if he drank again. Well, guess what...he drank again. DUH!
I know all about boundaries, I just can't seem to enforce them. I have found myself distancing my emotions from him, even the affection I normally give him. He commented on it last night; he knows I do that when he drinks but still questions it (says that he needs to feel that I still love him even when he's drinking; I do, I just have a hard time showing it because of all the other feelings going through me at the time).
What can I do and where do I go from here?
allmixedup
I'll start with a brief history and then try to limit the rest to under 10,000 words
My A and I have been together for over 7 years. I knew that he drank when we met and even questioned his drinking before we were married a year later. I had the illusion that our love would change him blah, blah, blah. A couple years into our marriage he entered treatment for 28 days. He maintained sobriety for a couple of months and since then has probably been sober about 30 days at the most at one time.
I've been supportive, quiet, angry, disgusted, sad, happy, and everything else in between. He's been in detox, taken medication, seen a counselor, attended meetings, etc. all in an effort to stop. His promises don't mean anything anymore.
The reason I feel that this is "worse" now than it was before is because of the businesses we own and how his drinking is affecting them. I know that I can't control his drinking and it takes everything I have not to comment to him or our employees but this is affecting me emotionally and now financially.
He's doing his own "program" at home; I'm not sure what exactly that means. He said he would go for outpatient help but hasn't made an attempt to do that. The last time he got quite drunk, he said I could divorce him if he drank again. Well, guess what...he drank again. DUH!
I know all about boundaries, I just can't seem to enforce them. I have found myself distancing my emotions from him, even the affection I normally give him. He commented on it last night; he knows I do that when he drinks but still questions it (says that he needs to feel that I still love him even when he's drinking; I do, I just have a hard time showing it because of all the other feelings going through me at the time).
What can I do and where do I go from here?
allmixedup
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Anaheim,CA
Posts: 549
Welcome back! I think you actually stated the solution:
I decided last night that I needed to come back here, get to a meeting, and figure out whatever needs figuring out.
Not only get to a meeting but go regularly! Al-anon, for many of us is our major platform. Lots of wisdom there...LOTS.
You've taken your first step. You're here!
How Important Is It?
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Cyberia
Posts: 612
Originally Posted by allmixedup
The reason I feel that this is "worse" now than it was before is because of the businesses we own and how his drinking is affecting them.
I know all about boundaries, I just can't seem to enforce them.
allmixedup
I know all about boundaries, I just can't seem to enforce them.
allmixedup
Hello:
Alcohol is a progressive disease, and it ruins not only the alcoholic, but the loved ones and family members around the alcoholic. It sounds like you know what you need to do. Setting boundaries is a very hard thing for a co-dependent person to do. You need a lot of help and support for that - in Alanon, you will find the undestanding, help and support you need to get better.
You know you can't fix the alcoholic, but you can do a lot to makie yourself better, whether he drinks or not.
Love and blessings to you and our husband
Robin
Member
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: The burbs, Maryland
Posts: 130
[QUOTE]says that he needs to feel that I still love him even when he's drinking; I do, I just have a hard time showing it because of all the other feelings going through me at the time
the A in my life used this on me so many times: If he just knew I would stick with him and if he knew for sure I loved him or if I would be with him all the time, be there for him all the time - then he would not drink. I learned it didn't matter what I did or how I felt good, bad or indifferent - he drank when he wanted to drink.
I went to a total of 3 meetings some time back. When I thought I was done with him, I stopped. Big mistake. We have been back and forth for 3 years. Tomorrow I'm going back to Al anon and this time I'm in it for the long haul. I see now I need help regardless of whether he's in my life or not or if he's drinking or not.
the A in my life used this on me so many times: If he just knew I would stick with him and if he knew for sure I loved him or if I would be with him all the time, be there for him all the time - then he would not drink. I learned it didn't matter what I did or how I felt good, bad or indifferent - he drank when he wanted to drink.
I went to a total of 3 meetings some time back. When I thought I was done with him, I stopped. Big mistake. We have been back and forth for 3 years. Tomorrow I'm going back to Al anon and this time I'm in it for the long haul. I see now I need help regardless of whether he's in my life or not or if he's drinking or not.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: up north
Posts: 7
Thanks for the words of encouragement, both of you. I'm feeling at the end of my rope today, just waiting for the last bit of knot to free itself, and watching me go tumbling down, anticipating the big crash. My stomach is all twisted up and I'm having trouble focusing on my work. My appetite sux and I'm not sleeping worth a hoot.
A positive thing that I did today was to order some books from B&N. I enjoy reading and am hoping to find some answers here and in the books.
I may have to start a new thread for each specific issue that I'm dealing with; otherwise this will get way too lengthy!
Keep writing, I need the reading!
allmixedup
A positive thing that I did today was to order some books from B&N. I enjoy reading and am hoping to find some answers here and in the books.
I may have to start a new thread for each specific issue that I'm dealing with; otherwise this will get way too lengthy!
Keep writing, I need the reading!
allmixedup
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