Unexpected.

Old 08-31-2005, 03:35 AM
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Unexpected.

Things happen we don't expect, yesterday D lost his job, we had thought the danger period was gone but well that's life! Today I didn't expect either. I expected effort on his part, I expected him to be unsettled, I wasn't sure what to expect from me, but was happy I didn't feel too distraught (despite the mortgage!!).

I didn't expect that last night we would write dow our individual hopes, dreams and expectations and then swap to look at each others. I said I wanted to do something like that but I didn't expect D to actually do it on the day he lost his job. I didn't expect our goals would be so close, I didn't expect to be so touched by what he'd written, I didn't expect us to have very little where we needed to compromise (some were hopes for our joint life).

This morning I expected some stress in the house. I didn't expect him to be surfing the net for work before 9am, I didn't expect his CV to be updated by 10. BUT most of all I didn't expect to hear him cold call an engineering company - there are some here who'll know how HUGE that was, bigger than big!! I didn't expect to hear confidence in his voice, I didn't expect to hear him suggest an informal chat, I didn't expect his fight to see if his dismissal was illegal to come after his search for new work and his responsibilities here.

I've never seen another person's recovery, the old men who lodged in our boarding house and drank never recovered. This is something I feel so honoured to see, and I want to reflect it with my own growth.

I didn't expect recovery to be so powerful over life's hard events, I didn't expect to see it stride when I'd thought it might stumble!

I'm learning something about expectations.....
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Old 08-31-2005, 03:46 AM
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That is fantastic. Recovery in action is wonderful thing to witness.

I fight against having expectations anymore and my life is much more stable than before. I think that when I use boundaries to manage my expectations, then there are no surprises that I can't handle.
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Old 08-31-2005, 03:59 AM
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I'm learning about them and fighting to have healthy expectations. But primarily, I'm learning.

I'm trying to understand a difference between an expectation and trying to see into the future. I'll always have expectations and some I know are healthy - like being treated with respect and dignity and the expectation of myself to do the same in return.

I'm learning through disappointments and beautiful surprises to think differently about what I expect.
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Old 08-31-2005, 04:08 AM
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Exactly! I too expect a certain level of "behaviour" in the people I choose to have a round me. But the difference between now and previously is that now I know that if people act differently than my expectation, then I can enforce a boundary. For example, I am still in business with my ex. Some days he tries to take out his frustrations on me. I expect that people in my life don't do that, but I can't get him to change his behaviour. However, I can choose not to speak with him and in the long run can make a decision about whther or not I want to be in business with him. In the past I would have done everything to get him to stop and driven myself into a frenzy when he wouldn't.

Another thought - I have found that sometimes people will live up to the expectations of others. e.g. very often the "black sheep" of the family will continue to play that role well into adulthood. The expectations become labels.

People are full of surprises - it would be a boring world if we weren't.
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Old 08-31-2005, 04:17 AM
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Another thought - I have found that sometimes people will live up to the expectations of others. e.g. very often the "black sheep" of the family will continue to play that role well into adulthood. The expectations become labels.
I've seen that over and over with kids in care, expected to fail - believe in them even if every adult around you says you're nuts and it's mind blowing what happens. The same if they go to a foster carer who decides every child needs someone to see them worth while, someone unbendable in their belief of worth and I've seen the same - things beyond belief, changes beyond explaination.

I'm so learning something - I'm not there yet but something is shifting inside and I'm sensing things begining to get clearer with these confounded expectations!!!
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Old 08-31-2005, 06:05 AM
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equus - wow is all i can say! i thank you so much for sharing almost step-by-step both of your recovery journeys!
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Old 08-31-2005, 06:29 AM
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The slogan I love the most in recovery.....


... please ...don't leave before the miracle happens...


Blessings on your miracle Equus...
today is a good day... ;o)
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Old 08-31-2005, 06:49 AM
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GO D!!

And you too Equus
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Old 08-31-2005, 08:13 AM
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I'm losing the plot here (in a good way), he's just rang and said he's booked an eye test on Saturday morning!! He's going to get new glasses!! He said it'd be good to starta new job wearing them!!

What the hell will happen next??

Edit - hit send to soon - editted then realised I'd lost the lot not the plot, editted in the 'p'!
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Old 08-31-2005, 08:21 AM
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You know, it sounds like you've loosened the reins and he's starting to take responsibility for himself. Brilliant! Every time he does something like this, it puts another drop of self-esteem in the pot.
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Old 08-31-2005, 08:41 AM
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Nah - I just held the horse while he dusted himself off and climbed back on board. I didn't actually DO much or MAKE him do anything. I even got through the whole thing without sharing any info without consent, or apart from one appointment booking (then only the receptionist) without him present and able to stop me if he was uncomfortable.

It's been a well managed process though - I think we've had excellent guidance, and we've both been committed.
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Old 08-31-2005, 09:29 AM
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It's been a well managed process though - I think we've had excellent guidance, and we've both been committed.

... and that's what it takes....

keep the good news coming Equus.. ;o)
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Old 08-31-2005, 09:36 AM
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Well I'm not sure what else could happen but we have our last joint session with this counsellor tonight.

I'm so flippin' ratty about us losing her! *STOMP* The best thing is she's smart and quick, she knows what she's doing but pays blisering attention to us as individuals through it all. The biggest of all she LISTENS, carefully, critically and accurately. She seems confident for us though, she's not worried about us having to change and I think I do ok picking up stuff people hide, I think she's genuinely comfortable we're well on the right track.

She even sussed I was a tad impatient.... dunno how she guessed that one.....?? Strange, almost psychic...
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Old 08-31-2005, 09:52 AM
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Old 08-31-2005, 08:29 PM
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Evening Equus:

I'm so happy to hear that D is doing so well. I could just hug him. And you, too! Like you always say, "he's full of surprises."

FD
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