After 10 Year separation....how do I help him?

Old 08-30-2005, 06:51 PM
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pix
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After 10 Year separation....how do I help him?

After a very long eight days, I found this site and tried to read as much as I could. Since the members here gave such honest and personal opinions/advice I hoped someone could give a little insight.

I've been separated from my husband for ten years (seperation was from an event related to his drinking). As with most separations there were "moments" of nastiness, but in the last 5-6 years communication seemed fine
He seemed to begin again on alcohol binges (5-7 days usually) and escalated to the point that my 19 and 15 year old children cannot deal with him and refuse to talk to him. He realized this and did the apology, promise, apology speech for awhile. During the last month, he would call and want to talk to me, saying much of the same. The phone calls increased about 10 days ago and I would be on the phone with him for hours. He finally asked for help and insisted there was no one else he had. I went to see him and realized how physically bad off he also was (history of heart failure). He was admitted to the hospital on Friday night and transferred to the detox/rehab center Sunday. During that time I still spoke with him a lot and went to the house to gather clothes, etc. needed for his rehab. He is aware my son and I were at the rehab twice to deliver items. He is not in a "blackout" period at the center. Since admission though, we have not heard from him (he can only call to give us the phone number).

I feel at a loss of what to do or think even at this point. My son wants to see him (visitation is once a week), but any visitations require an hour of family counseling first. I don't want to just show up only to have him not really want anyone there.

I realize that after discharge he needs support, but how do I know if it's wanted? I can't put the kids through another rejection.

Any advice or opions would be great. Since it's the first time he has been to detox or rehab, I don't want to do the wrong thing.

Pix
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Old 08-30-2005, 07:43 PM
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the girl can't help it
 
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Do you feel like involving yourself in this? Is it in your best interest? You have been separate for a long time. I think these are questions I might ask myself if I was in your situation.

If you intend to be supportive of him I hope that you will go for the counseling that is being offered thru the rehab center. I am sure that they can provide valuable information on how to relate to him and what is helpful and what is not.

I am sure that most people who are getting clean go through some pretty heavy changes. Maybe if you went to alanon meeting they could help you sort out how you feel about facing all of this and your motivations behind wanting to involve yourself in his recovery...
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Old 08-30-2005, 08:33 PM
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pix
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To be honest (even after 10 years), I would not want him to feel like he was abandoned. I'm not quite sure if it's because we are still married, the kids, or just because he needs help. He has no family close by for support, and the children can only give so much support (many unresolved issues).

The counseling through rehab is fine, but since we have not heard from him since admission (and dropping off the things he needed), he may not want or welcome any support from us. I do know that I (and the kids) can't go through the turmoil of being shutout once again. I suppose all we can do is wait and see if he contacts us. It is already hard trying to explain to the kids why he hasn't called them.

I have looked into Al-Anon and Alateen for support and information. Whether or not he decides to go it alone or not, both of the groups will maybe help us deal with his recovery.

Thanks for the advice - I appreciate it!

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Old 08-30-2005, 08:44 PM
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You can call the ward and ask if he wants visitors. They will tell you if he wants to see you or not.
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Old 08-30-2005, 08:47 PM
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Don't be hurt if he doesn't want to have visitors, please.
I was in the psych unit for a week in 93 and I requested no visitors at all. I just needed the time and space for my recovery. Wasn't ready to be sociable or deal with people. I needed to be away from everything.
And it is kinda uncomfortable having people see you like that. Sick and vulnerable.
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Old 08-30-2005, 08:48 PM
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pix
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Thanks liveweyerdl...that helps. I wasn't sure if they would even give me that information and would hate to show up for visitation with my son and be turned away.

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Old 08-30-2005, 09:34 PM
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Pix- If you want to support him. That is good but just know you can not know right now if he's serious. Go by yourself at first if you like. Never know with an addict. He might be going through a bad period in his life and if WE pick him up AGAIN, it might be enabling. Just be careful not to get too involved with his recovery. He has to do it. He might start concentrating on YOU again and forget his recovery. You might want to give him a little space. Thats why you have to go to counseling because they don't want you to enable him or be a co dependent to get him off of track.
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Old 08-30-2005, 11:46 PM
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Thanks liveweyerd and candy. You both have good points...I'll keep them in mind and wait to see if I hear from him. I don't want to cause more stress.

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