Advise please
Paused
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Sesame Street
Posts: 7
Advise please
MY 28 year old son is getting out of rehab next week and I want him to go to a halfway house, but he won't. He can't move in here so I am not sure what he is going to do. He wants to go to a shelter he has stayed at before if they will let him back in. That's fine...I said I would pick him up and take him there. That is is decision, I guess, and since I won't let him come home I have to go with whatever he chooses to do.
My problem is this. Whenever we speak on the phone he tells me all the things I have done wrong and when I try to say my side he won't listen. There are things that he "remembers" that never happened and also things that did happen that he see's totally different than I do.
I have hoped for his sobriety for a long time, and I want to do what is right but I find myself defending my position and I am sure that will just muddy things up. I want to encourage him, but when he attacks my life it is hard.
While he is using we don't talk much, but now he calls like every couple days. He said the only time he feels bad is when he talks to me. I HAVE been trying to direct his choices, and I know that I shouldn't do that, so I will stop. But what about him always pointing to me about his problems. It is hard not to stand up for myself.
Thanks,
Elmo
My problem is this. Whenever we speak on the phone he tells me all the things I have done wrong and when I try to say my side he won't listen. There are things that he "remembers" that never happened and also things that did happen that he see's totally different than I do.
I have hoped for his sobriety for a long time, and I want to do what is right but I find myself defending my position and I am sure that will just muddy things up. I want to encourage him, but when he attacks my life it is hard.
While he is using we don't talk much, but now he calls like every couple days. He said the only time he feels bad is when he talks to me. I HAVE been trying to direct his choices, and I know that I shouldn't do that, so I will stop. But what about him always pointing to me about his problems. It is hard not to stand up for myself.
Thanks,
Elmo
Just one of the gang
Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: USA
Posts: 73
Hi Elmo!
Welcome to our happy haven!
Sometimes it seems to me that Rasputin has memory problems, too. I chalk it up to too much goo goo dust. On the other hand, I never get the finger of blame... his parents do, though! Actually he seems like a teenager with a receding hairline and crowsfeet. The things he says to them are something out of an adolescent tantrum. I've read that people tend to stop growing emotionally after they have been traumatized... that trauma of course, could include the addition of drugs to their diet. I think Rasputin's is more than that, but he ain't tellin'. Anyway, if he sounds like a bratty teenager, then how would you treat the bratty teenager? Would you feel like you had to justify or explain yourself?
If he really felt okay, he wouldn't be calling his mommy/daddy every other day looking for a hand to rock his cradle. He's experiencing frustration because you're not giving him the cuddling he's looking for. So he's having a stompy footed tantrum. Try not to let him draw you in. Rasputin's mom once said "If you know how I'm supposed to answer you, just tell me the answer and I'll say that. Don't make me guess." It only made him sulky but she and I laughed when she told me about it.
You are not dealing with a grown up, no matter how close he is to middle age spread. He can start growing when he gets safely away from the drugs and starts dealing with what drove him there. Until then, give him a time out in the corner or say "there there honey" or whatever you would say to a kid, but don't be drawn into a childish argument. You are powerless over what he thinks. Besides, what he thinks can't really touch you, can it? Why would you have to stand up to it? What can he do to you? NOTHIN'! His opinion of you is beside the point and it's probably not even his real opinion. Most likely he's just trying to make you sorry so you'll make it up to him. It's a kid prank. "If I make her/him sorry I'll get ice cream."
Nice to meet you Elmo!
Doppelganger
Welcome to our happy haven!
Sometimes it seems to me that Rasputin has memory problems, too. I chalk it up to too much goo goo dust. On the other hand, I never get the finger of blame... his parents do, though! Actually he seems like a teenager with a receding hairline and crowsfeet. The things he says to them are something out of an adolescent tantrum. I've read that people tend to stop growing emotionally after they have been traumatized... that trauma of course, could include the addition of drugs to their diet. I think Rasputin's is more than that, but he ain't tellin'. Anyway, if he sounds like a bratty teenager, then how would you treat the bratty teenager? Would you feel like you had to justify or explain yourself?
If he really felt okay, he wouldn't be calling his mommy/daddy every other day looking for a hand to rock his cradle. He's experiencing frustration because you're not giving him the cuddling he's looking for. So he's having a stompy footed tantrum. Try not to let him draw you in. Rasputin's mom once said "If you know how I'm supposed to answer you, just tell me the answer and I'll say that. Don't make me guess." It only made him sulky but she and I laughed when she told me about it.
You are not dealing with a grown up, no matter how close he is to middle age spread. He can start growing when he gets safely away from the drugs and starts dealing with what drove him there. Until then, give him a time out in the corner or say "there there honey" or whatever you would say to a kid, but don't be drawn into a childish argument. You are powerless over what he thinks. Besides, what he thinks can't really touch you, can it? Why would you have to stand up to it? What can he do to you? NOTHIN'! His opinion of you is beside the point and it's probably not even his real opinion. Most likely he's just trying to make you sorry so you'll make it up to him. It's a kid prank. "If I make her/him sorry I'll get ice cream."
Nice to meet you Elmo!
Doppelganger
Last edited by Doppelganger; 11-18-2002 at 04:41 PM.
Supply Manager
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
Welcome Elmo,
I am glad you are here too. It is nice to be able to come here and share how you really feel. Good for you for not letting him come home. That must have been a hard one! And I am glad that you realized that you were trying to control his choices before you got into it too deep.
Now there is a little prayer I use for the rest...Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth!
Just keep repeating it!
Hugs,
JT
I am glad you are here too. It is nice to be able to come here and share how you really feel. Good for you for not letting him come home. That must have been a hard one! And I am glad that you realized that you were trying to control his choices before you got into it too deep.
Now there is a little prayer I use for the rest...Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth!
Just keep repeating it!
Hugs,
JT
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Welcome Elmo
Once you get comfortable here, you will find other who have been through exactly this same thing.
I agree with Dop and Smoke, that this is his way of having a tantrum because you are not putty in his hands. My son is a 34 year old "child" who has never stayed clean long enough to grow up emotionally. I almost have to force myself to remember that right now he is incapable of mature behaviour and is truly closer to a 15 year old
I guarantee you that he loves you, and someday he will love you even more for being the adult in this relationship and not giving in to his ploys.
JT's prayer is one of my favourites. So many times I have just had to hold my tongue so not to give in to their manipulations.
Keep coming back.
Once you get comfortable here, you will find other who have been through exactly this same thing.
I agree with Dop and Smoke, that this is his way of having a tantrum because you are not putty in his hands. My son is a 34 year old "child" who has never stayed clean long enough to grow up emotionally. I almost have to force myself to remember that right now he is incapable of mature behaviour and is truly closer to a 15 year old
I guarantee you that he loves you, and someday he will love you even more for being the adult in this relationship and not giving in to his ploys.
JT's prayer is one of my favourites. So many times I have just had to hold my tongue so not to give in to their manipulations.
Keep coming back.
Paused
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Sesame Street
Posts: 7
Thank you all for the welcome,
Since I go so long in between talking to my son it is almost as though I want to spit it all out while I have him. All my anger. I want him to know how much he has hurt me. It seems that I am no more mature than him sometimes. But when he said he felt bad talking to me it occured to me that my taking out my own frustration on him was not fair.
I thought it was hard when he was using. I am starting to think the hardest part is coming up!
Thanks for the good advise.
Elmo
Since I go so long in between talking to my son it is almost as though I want to spit it all out while I have him. All my anger. I want him to know how much he has hurt me. It seems that I am no more mature than him sometimes. But when he said he felt bad talking to me it occured to me that my taking out my own frustration on him was not fair.
I thought it was hard when he was using. I am starting to think the hardest part is coming up!
Thanks for the good advise.
Elmo
Southern through and through
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: In.....trouble :-)
Posts: 1,453
Hey Elmo and welcome! Sounds like you are already ahead of the game with your very sound thinking. Wanna come sit by me?....
I admire you for sticking to your boundaries. Think I'll take note and try to do that more myself.
Keep us informed and hopefully you'll become like the rest of us on here.....giving and receiving support. It's a good feeling.
Hugs!
I admire you for sticking to your boundaries. Think I'll take note and try to do that more myself.
Keep us informed and hopefully you'll become like the rest of us on here.....giving and receiving support. It's a good feeling.
Hugs!
Paused
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: england
Posts: 47
Hi elmo
Just wanted to welcome u to the boards. sounds like ur boy's doing a whole lot of quacking
I think it was Ann's who first mentioned quacking to me , MY A does it a awfull lot, and i know all the gang here get Quacked at by there A's alot to, But ur doing really well, and u seem pretty together, so budge up hangin , im joining you on the sofa
stick with this site elmo, just being able to talk, and let of steam to people that really understand, really helps, we're all a big family here.
loads of love , spin
Just wanted to welcome u to the boards. sounds like ur boy's doing a whole lot of quacking
I think it was Ann's who first mentioned quacking to me , MY A does it a awfull lot, and i know all the gang here get Quacked at by there A's alot to, But ur doing really well, and u seem pretty together, so budge up hangin , im joining you on the sofa
stick with this site elmo, just being able to talk, and let of steam to people that really understand, really helps, we're all a big family here.
loads of love , spin
Guest
Posts: n/a
You can acknowledge his feelings without agreeing with him. That helped with my son. I always fought with him because I knew he was wrong. What I realized is even though he was wrong he still felt bad and felt that he must be right. I told him I'm sorry if I caused him any pain and told him if I could fix it I would, but I can't. I told him it belonged to him now and he would have to fix it. Then I asked him how he planned to do it. That seemed to help us a lot. Agreeing that he was in pain took the fight out of it. I didn't admit to causing it just said if I caused it.
Just a thought.
Hugs,
MG
Just a thought.
Hugs,
MG
Paused
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Toledo, Ohio
Posts: 27
Sounds like he's still trying to blame someone else for his problems.
Your still going to have to wait for a while until he learns that he has to take responsibility for his actions instead of blaming you.
I think they all learn that but it takes some longer than othere.
I figure at this rate my son will take responsibility for his own actions about the year 2050.
Davids mom
Your still going to have to wait for a while until he learns that he has to take responsibility for his actions instead of blaming you.
I think they all learn that but it takes some longer than othere.
I figure at this rate my son will take responsibility for his own actions about the year 2050.
Davids mom
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
