Here we go again, I don't want to go home

Old 08-29-2005, 04:54 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
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Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: in the desert
Posts: 18
Here we go again, I don't want to go home

I'm at work and will be leaving to go home in a little while. I just dread it. I actually feel physically sick about it. My AH was doing pretty good and not drinking for a couple of weeks, but started back at it last night. He missed work today and has been drinking all day. He lost a good job last year because of this very reason. He has called me about 15 times today without any consideration that I am trying to work, not to mention I go to feed my baby girl her lunch during my lunch hour and he called me three times at lunch (he was so worried about his stuff or too drunk and to remember I would be with her at lunch). He is a major drama queen and had to get some test results from the doctor today so he used that as an excuse to get loaded and miss work (for which he does not get paid). He kept calling me before he went to the doctor whining that he is afraid to go to the doctor cause he will have to have surgery and probably has some terminal illness. He finally went to the doctor (drunk) and the doc told him there is nothing wrong with him (well, except for the obvious). He has been going to specialists getting all kinds of tests and spending more and more money (which I am expected to pay for) on it and they find nothing wrong. His primary doctor told him to quit drinking, eat right, get sleep, exercise, and cut back on his stress. Of course, he will do none of it. It is like he wants his life to be miserable. He called me a little while ago and said the doctor gave him prescriptions and asked me if he should drop them off at the drug store. Basically it is his round about way of telling me he expects me to pay to have them filled - funny he has money for booze, but expects me to pay for his scripts and doctor visits. I just dread dealing with him when he is like this. I really have to be home cause my two older kids both are in sports and have practices tonight. My oldest has a lot of homework so he has to be home to do it. I can't just take off and leave the kids with him, nor can I take them with me. Now cause he is doing this again, I have to pick up all four kids after work at three different places, take them to practices, go to a parent meeting, get them all fed, etc. all by myself while he either sits and stares at the tv or goes around ranting at all of us and asking stupid questions. He tries to act like he is the big man around the house and it is such a joke. I'm the man of the house and he is nothing more than a major pain in the .... He used to get loaded and leave for the night, but now he stays at the house and terrorizes us. He isn't physical, he just quacks about everything and makes all of us uncomfortable and miserable. I thought things would get better as my Grandma went to stay with my dad a few days ago (hopefully will be permanent). She was very difficult to deal with, her mental and physical health is deteriorating quickly, and she created a lot of stress for us. Since she moved in with us almost three years ago, AH drinking got worse. I figured removing the stress would help, but it didn't. I'm really trying hard to not buy into the crap he spews, but it is so hard to just turn a deaf ear to him especially when he starts in on the kids (expecially my daughter - not his kid). He really verbally goes after her and me when he is loaded. She can hardly stand him anymore. I just hope he takes off before I get home so we won't have to put up with the crap tonight. I guess I should be grateful that at least I don't have to deal with Granny, too. Now that she is gone, I do have more of an option to get out. I'm really thinking of selling the house (cause I can't pay the mortgage on my own) and getting rid of him. The only thing about selling is that there is a lot of equity in the house and if we sell it he will get half which would probably be about 100k - just what a drunk needs, plenty of cash to blow. He has pulled some really great stunts with money while drunk - buying drugs, gambling (using a credit card he stole from me of course), taking plane trips - oh yea, he's a gem. I feel so stupid to stay with him cause I know I don't deserve this life. I'm an intelligent, responsible adult. I have a career (18 years same employer), graduated from college (3.91 GPA) and have a top notch credit score (he can't even get a bank account in his name). I have a nice home (unfortunately he convinced me to put his name on the deed), drive a decent car, am an involved member of my church, involved in my kids' schools (three different schools). He dresses like a homeless person (not kidding, he wears torn,stained clothes), does not go to church (he says he doesn't believe in it), rarely goes to kids games or activities, never fixes stuff around the house, etc. In a way, I'm glad he isn't involved, cause his behavior and appearance are really embarassing. I am also a tad bit co-dependent (ya think) and the offspring of an alcoholic mom (dead at 52 from it) with a dad that didn't give a crap about me (but treats his wife and two adopted daughters like royalty). I don't even like AH, much less love him. I know I'm more screwed up than he is cause a sane person would not stay in this situation. Yes, I've been going to Al-Anon and ACOA meetings for years (guess it doesn't sound like it though). Thanks for listening to my vent. Get to go home now : (
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Old 08-29-2005, 06:28 PM
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Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: DooDooville, USA
Posts: 453
Hi justired,

That's alot to do by yourself. You've got kids, a job, pay the bills, was taking care of your grandmother and then have to babysit AH. When is it your time?

You don't have to live like that (and I know you know that). The kids don't, either. It's hard on the kids seeing an A parent. Being a ACOA, you've experienced that, I'm sure. That effects them the rest of their lives. My kids hated the fact that I drank (been sober 11 yrs) and their Dad smoked pot.
They became the parents and lost their childhood to which they can never get back.

Can you set limits with your AH? Do you feel strong enough to do that? Since you take care of everything else and are very independant and intelligent, maybe taking the kids and moving into another place would be a good idea?
You could sell your home and use that $ to purchase another one. If AH wants to remain in the family, he'll need to act on that. Not that leaving him is a good way to say "get sober or we're leaving" because he needs to get sober for himself, but if you do move with the kids

1) you all are getting away from the insanity of AH's behavior and drama

2) he may realize that he needs to do his part.

Right now, all he has to do is go to work when he gets there. You're doing all the rest of the responsibilities and I know that someone has to do them (with the kids and the bills and all), but it's making it easier for him to be a jerk when it's all done.

He's a grown man. Maybe living on his own he'll see that he needs to step up to the plate and take responsibility.

Keep going to al anon. I'm glad that you have that. Get the support that YOU need and I pray the best for you! Keep posting here. There's lots of support.

Don't know what else to say. Good luck and keep us updated.

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Old 08-30-2005, 06:41 AM
  # 3 (permalink)  
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Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Litterbox City
Posts: 5,691
know the feeling justired - nothing to add excedpt big hugs to you - please know you are not alone!
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Old 08-30-2005, 12:21 PM
  # 4 (permalink)  
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Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: in the desert
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A great big thanks to all of you. Yes, it is good to know I'm not alone. Okay, breathe, breathe, baby step, baby step. It just amazes me that an intelligent, successful person could be in this situation. If it was my friend in this situation, I'd tell her to kick him to the curb and move on. I'm just sitting here shaking my head at myself : )
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