Irony? Bad omen? Message? WHAT? NEED Help
 

Please help me people. Once again I need to turn to my friends here. This is so bizarre I can't even begin to explain this to anyone else.

My decision to move his stuff from my home was a good one but I did begin to rethink the timing of it and the fact that I can't physically move much of it myself. On friday night I talked to the A and tried to ask him if he understood why. He said yes but asked me to just chill for now and he'd help me eventually move the stuff but that now was not a good time as the baby is to arrive any time now. So I said ok. He also said that this is a hard time for both of us. Then he said he'd call tomorrow (yesterday).

Well yesterday, the 27th, also happens to be the date which we first "hooked" up. Don't think he knows that. I did not remind him. That would only pour salt into the wound. It's not his fault that I have to remember that as being of some significance. I decide to carry that burden alone.

Well a call never came. And though I have been carrying on as normal and actually been more creative and charged up about other aspects of my life than ever I still have this unresolved "issue" of a tie to him.

4:00am can't sleep. I get up and try to move something but can't. Gather up the things I can and drive to his place. I am not suprised to see his car gone but the storage unit is locked!!! I asked him to leave it unlocked as he does with everything else anyway. A flood of emotion grips me. I cry, I get angry. I am screaming in my head WHY??? I just want you out of my life. Obviously you want the same but are too weak to admit it.

And now I am thinking the baby may be born by now. Or on his way. Months ago it crossed my mind that the baby might be born on the very date that he and I began. HOW SCREWED UP is that? I can't make sense out of how ironic that would be. I guess I am always looking at things to be signs and this one HAS to be one. But what???

So I am getting all worked up over something I am not sure has even happened and if it has it obviously is none of my business to worry about. But I still have a truck full of A's stuff to now place in my garage I guess. I certainly would not feel comfortable calling just to complain about ME and my problem since I am practically the last person he cares about right now.

My mind is so screwed up right now. I feel like an A. Duel personality. My head is full of lots of things like hate and regret, obesession about all the drunken insults, lies, maipulations. How he lulled me into accepting his life and his unborn baby as part of my future then out of nowhere just abandons me with hardly an explaination except "it's hard".

And I am left to really wonder what is wrong with me to have gotten so completely enthralled with such a terribly sick person. There are certainly 1000 things things he did or said to me that should have sent me running long ago. In fact the first night we hung out he told me and a co-worker how he had changed his mailing address at work to "his" bar so that his wife would not get his checks and figure out how many hours he wasn't working (so he could go to the bar for his "OT").

Maybe I need to clean out my head instead of my house. I likely won't see him now at work for a couple weeks if the baby has been born. I feel that I am ready to let go and move on but I don't exactly know how to truely wash myself clean of this ordeal and be healthy for another relationship one day. As I feel more obsessed with thinking about him than I have since he left my house. I feel pretty sick today.

I want to try to be hopeful that one day I'll meet a guy that really wants to make a life with ME.

Thanks for reading.

Hi,

Is it possible the stuff you got packed you could leave at the locker for him to put away?

Cleaning out your head is a good idea and the only way you'll be able to move on.

Cleaning out your house will definitely help you to move on.

Ngaire

I could leave it outside the locker but it could get rained on or stolen, not noticed by him for days, weeks. I want it gone but I don't have the need to let it get destoyed. Is that normal? I don't even know anymore. By removing it I was trying to do two things. Send a message to him that "I'm done" as well as trying to move on myself. I think it was more important to me to proclaim it to him. Trying to prove that I am strong. And really he couldn't care less right now. I suppose that should be obvious when something as important as a baby is coming. I think I was also trying to do this to protect myself from being hurt if he should decide he wants it back to begin life with his wife and family again. I don't want to face that if it happens. I know it's a possibility but I just don't want to have to watch it happen right in front of my eyes. I want control of my life. You know? This is my house and I don't want to have to be subjected to that. And currently I am just stuck. I should have done this long ago. Now I just feel like a nuisance to him. Because I beleive to him it's no big deal that I have his belongings. He's got way more important things on his mind. All though it did not stop him from visiting the bar every night even after I first left a message telling him I want his stuff gone. Well that is more important than anything right?!!!

Right now I am in the process of gathering it all up and stacking it neatly into one corner of my garage. This is helping me. This way I can make that call. That he needs to have it removed by a certain date so that I can not only truly heal but have my garage back for my car!

While doing this I went through a box of his and found some old letters from his wife. Yeah it was morally wrong but it was there and it's my house. Actually the letters proved to me two things. That they have had a rough time from the begining, arguing and breaking up. And secondly that her love for him was as desperate as mine. All the women in his life have tried to battle the disease. This is his second marriage, second divorce. Not only that, but he had another child with another woman when he was 18 that he gave up for adoption. Time to stop blaming myself even partially for his demise. What are all of these women doing throwing down their lives for this sick person? It's really time for me to forgive myself and know that I am not the homewrecker that she accuses me of. He and his stupid disease are. I am not his soul mate but yet another passenger on his trip to NOWHERE! I should feel lucky that I can hop off. But you guys all know how frustrating it is. I still always had this little bit of hope that maybe we really loved one another and the alcohol was a seperate issue. But even if that is the case. Well the alcohol should be enough of an issue!

BTW the box also contained a bunch of DUI stuff (rolling eyes).

Why not
 

just throw out his junk? :tongue1:

I piyched my x 's crap in the alley for the bums to use.

I gave him a date to remove hsi things.
He did a no show...that was it for me.

I wanted to empower myself which is the reason for the 6 am visit to his storage unit. But the fact is that I physically cannot move 4 of the items alone and two of the items are too heavy even for a girlfreind to help me move. (very large dresser, and a chop saw on this huge bench) If it weren't for those two extremely heavy objects it would be done by now. I would leave the stuff outside the storage unit and a note on his door. Now I have decided on giving a date. Atleast most of it is outta sight.

Dakoda,
about the letter to the unborn child. Well I can totally imagine my A doing something like that. He can get so extremely emotional. Self depricating. Calling himself a loser and wanting to kill himself. Or sometimes he would just say he was going to kidnap his son and move to Kansas or something. I have found poems that he has written about death and depression. These are seriously sick men right? And for some reason I found this depth attractive. On the flip side he would proclaim his love for me with the same intensity.

I am an emotional person. I am also a very creative person drawn to the counter culture and artists who express unique viewpoints. This is part of why I found him so intoxicating. I first fell for him because I connected with him emotionally. He quoted literature and introduced me to beautiful but anguishing music. I saw him as a creative tortured soul that I guess I thought maybe I could save or something. Maybe because I too wish to be saved.

OK OK this is getting way to intense for a Sunday. You might all think "save it for your therapist honey".

If you have a few dollors why not rent a storage shed, get movers to move the stuff to storage. Send a letter he has to sign for. Send to the bar. Might be worth getting it over with. I would feel responsible also for someones stuff, but I doubt he ever comes to get it.
In the letter say if he does not pay the shed rent the shed owners will sell his stuff such and such a time.
By his history you mentioned you need to be free of everything.
Lots of people could give it away,but you coud not live with that guilt as I could not.
Think of the expense as a health expense.
Just a thought.
If the bar tender is such a good friend perhaps he would come get the stuff???
Just ideas.

Clancy, the real problem is not getting his stuff outta here. I know he'll come get it as he had to do the same thing with his wife when he brought it here. My problem is finally accepting within my heart that it HAS to be over. And dealing with the fact that his baby is probably now born and I have no place in his life now. That I'd feel completely stupid and callus to bother him with my need to proclaim that I'm done with him on a day that he couldn't care less about me. Can anyone understand what I mean? ALl I have to do is leave a message to once again remind him to unlock his storage unit. But I feel it really is wrong to bother him with my needs on the day or weekend of his sons birth. He's likely not home. So all I'd be doing is leaving some pathetic message in essence ending our relationship when he has bigger things on his mind. Plus I have no children so it seems especially wrong to insist on this when this event is happening. I mean why should he care about me right now or his stuff? Even a normal person would not care would they?

I realized that was why I was holding on to it before. That I still had hope. Completly true. And this morning I finally just had this urgent need to be done with it already. And then I am denied by bad timing.

You are right it should not matter to me what happens to his stuff .

I know that I am more upset thinking that the baby has been born and I am...well you know. I am sure you guys can imagine. To him I am no one now. And that shouldn't matter either to me but today it does. And it doesn't help being in my thirties and wanting baby of my own one day. I know one day I'll be really glad that I went through this rather than getting stuck in it. I definately know it's no fun to try to have a family with an active A.

BUT I did move EVERYTHING from my house into the garage. Though he doesn't know about it is helpful for me to not look at the stuff that once belonged to his family! It's all out with the spiders. I hardly ever have a need to go in my garage so this is better. And next time I speak to him I will demand he take it ASAP.

You know when I was in college and my son was young I used to find stuff on the side of the road that no doubt pi$$ed off lovers and spouses threw to the side of the road and I was very greatful because I would pick up things and sell them at the flea market and it paid for my college and kept a roof over our heads. Plus I learned alot about collecting. My only regret is that I didn't have access to e-bay instead of having to drag everything to the flea market...

You know something else the relationship you have with yourself is a reflection of how your other relationships will be. I heard someone say something about the golden rule : do unto others as you would have them do unto you.....to really mean : I will do unto others as I do unto myself...if you need to hold onto his cr@p a little while longer go ahead...

You know Splendra and CarolD are on to something!! You could get some pretty good cash for the chop saw!! Give him notice that he needs to get the stuff by such and such date, and if he does not, you will be putting the items up for sale (well, the stuff that's worth something). All the other stuff... haul off to a dumpster and chuck it. If he's not willing to come get it in a timely fashion, it doesn't mean that much to him.

Time to put you first, from here on out.

:-) Shannon

Saw him at work today. Asked if the baby had come. The answer was no. Then I told him all his stuff was in the garage. I was about to ask him where he was at 6am yesterday but I stopped myself and told him never mind. I was actually impressed with myself. I knew that no matter the answer it would hurt. Finally getting the picture "he's just not that into me".

Reading her letters to him I think was helpful. Proves that even without the added drama of two women to decide between, he was never easy to be in a relationship with. I used to always believe his assurances that one day he'd be better with his "decision". I really had no idea what I was dealing with!

Right now I have no desire to express my thoughts to him. He knows what he did. He knows how I felt. Words won't change it.

Thanks to all of you for helping me get through this.

In a book I read...and for the life of me I can't remember which one, one of the characters broke up with a BF and sent him a message that basically said, "You can pick your items up on Friday or purchase them back at the garage sale on Saturday". :)

I agree with Shannon...Splendra and CarolD DO have the right idea!

I am not opposed to donating the stuff. I'd keep the nice stuff first tho! But I am certain he'll have no problem taking it. I think he just left it here because I was willing to keep it. It's just like with his wife. He didn't take the the stuff til she asked him and even then he took so little that who knows maybe he already knew back then that his hope was one day he'd be reunited with the "best" of it anyway. Or more likely he just doesn't care about possesions that much because all he wants is A. OR he wants his stuff with both of us because he wants both of us to be in his control! WHO KNOWS.

If he really wanted it, he'd come get it. If it was me, that's where my "thinking about it" would end. If my husband really wants something, he makes it happen. I can ask him 100 times to take the garbage out, but he won't do it until HE wants to, or until he can't stand the smell anymore! If I take the garbage out for him or I nag him, I get in the way of his responsibilities and become an external motivator... he never learns to do it himself.

By taking care of his stuff, and reminding him that it's there, you're being an external motivator. Stop doing that. He's an adult. Whether he wants to admit it or not, he's made a choice to leave the crap behind. Time for you to decide if you want that crap taking up your precious space.

I vote for selling his stuff or packing the stuff up and taking it to Goodwill. I believe they will come and pick up furniture that you are donating. That solves the problem of not being able to lift the dresser ;-)

:-) Shannon

Its not bout his stuff,
Its about your "Stuff".

know what I mean?