I'm more like my xabf then I thought!
 

I went to my third counseling session yesterday. I talked a lot about my obsession towards xabf. How I miss what we used to have, how I think of him often and want to call him,, yada, yada, yada.

She said to me, "what do Alcoholics do when they're trying to stop drinking?" Got me thinking that I'm very much like an addict/alcoholic minus the booze. To me this is a very scary thought!! Like him and other A's, I obsess over people that I can't control, A's obsess over booze and drugs.

It really got me thinking about things. In a way I feel my "addiction" is a lot harder to deal with then an A's, although I'm sure many would differ.

I told her "yes, but at least I have empathy, love and compassion for him, how can that make me similiar to him and other A's?" I can feel feelings and emotions. He can not.

My road to recovery will take a lot of time; and here I thought he was a lot sicker then me.

Hey Savana!
 

I just wanted to let you know someone is listening.They don't call addiction a family disease for nothing! I am just starting to get my feet a bit wet in alanon, with 2 son's 17 and 24 who both like to drink and an x who has been clean for 20 yrs but doesnt work a program, I think I qualify... :wink3: I have been obssessed with people in the past, and I know its not easy.I work a f2f program today to avoid going down that road again.we haveto take care of ourselves.
Bless, Trish

What do A's do when they're trying to stop drinking?
 

They attempt to control it through their own willpower. Thus, the reason to admit that only a Higher Power can restore them to sanity. Same twelve steps apply to codies. I finally realized I was as crazy, if not crazier, than my AH. That's when I realized I had hit bottom and was going to drive myself nuts having expectations of normal behavior from an addict and trying to convince him that there was something wrong with HIM. Reading all of Melody Beattie's books, attending Al-Anon, getting into counseling, reaching out for the support of others at meetings got my focus off the addict in my life and onto ME.

None of this stuff happens overnight. I was in therapy for a solid year before the lightbulb went off in my head! It's natural for you to grieve the loss of someone you were close to. Just keep in mind that addicts are frequently in denial about ANYTHING to the point that they really aren't getting close to you - dependent maybe - but not close as in the sort of emotional intimacy that goes on in healthy relationships.

It sounds to me as if you're working on you and doing a good job at it. There will be days when you might doubt it, but hang in there - THE LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL IS NOT A TRAIN!

Ladies and gentlemen... the story of my life!

I'm not sure if either is "harder", as I think addiction is addiction. I am acutely aware, however, that ALL addictions kill. Plenty of "codies" (I hate that term...) die from their own disease.

I thought my ex was sicker than me, too, until my denial lifted and I gradually understood and accepted that I was responsible for at least half the insanity in the relationship.

Gianna~I guess what I'm trying to say, is that alcoholism and Codependencey are very much alike. I always knew that they were, but I didn't really come to terms with it until my counselor pointed it out.

Much like an A going through the obession, withdrawal, cravings, etc. I too, have been going through obsessing over him and the control I once had. I never in a million years thought I could compare my Codie habits to that of an A. To me it's somewhat chilling and frightnening. I always looked at A's and thought what an awful thing to be afflicted with, when in reality, Codependencey is much the same, minus the booze.

I guess she pointed out my behaviour and did compare it to an A's; she is right. Although yes, I'm getting the help I need, almost like an A becoming sober.

It is hard not to be obsessed when someone you love is killing himself. I don't know that it is necessarily the same as someone who is chemically dependent. It's just my opinion, but I think the term co-dependent gets slapped on anyone who hates seeing people they love cause themselves pain. Aren't there any guidelines for codependency?

Also, for curiosity's sake, do you think it is possible to just be codependent with one person? Maybe I was codependent with the alcoholic, because he has a progressive disease. But if he was the only sick person I concerned myself with, does that make me a co-dependent? And if so, why is it so bad to want to help someone? Just wondering about it all.

Glad you got some sleep Gianna :wink:

When you love someone, it is easy to get obsessed. The way you put it made me think of things in a different light. Of course, the sober person really feels things so much, unlike the A whose feelings are blunted by the alcohol and drugs.

how do you know what is obsession and what is normal? i am sad about my husband leaving 5 months ago because he was in love with another woman and wanting a divorce. she broke up with him, and now he is lonely and wants sex, but is clear that he doesn't know what he wants, and doesn't NOT want to get back together- can't say either way-- well, am i obsessed for thinking about it/having a hard time getting over it? sometimes i worry that if you say something, you make it true. i don't think it's sick to grieve something- but i guess it's not good to have gottten myself in the position where this happened/that someone treated me crappy for so long and i was so desperate to be loved that i didn't say no, i'm not accepting that. i still feel like i need to say it-- because i do feel that if he really wanted to bother with me, he'd say he wanted to work on it, not "who can say?" it's just hard that all the alkie/alanon stuff is mixed in- arrgh. i do feel like a sick crazy lady now that i think about it. i hate feeling so sad- i hate saying goodbye, and like seeing him, and so when he calls, i take the call- i make him dinner and all of that- i need to rethink my actions.

Ah, the age-old question... ;)

For me, the obsessive thoughts are the ones:

a) that I can't turn off;

b) that get in the way of my living the happy, healthy, serene life I am capable of living;

c) that supercede all other healthy thoughts like "I should eat something this week" or "Perhaps sleeping would be a good idea considering I've been up thinking about her for six days straight..." or "Should I get out of the street before that truck hits me?"

Buddha said, "Pain is a part of life; suffering is optional". I may have thoughts from time to time that bring painful feelings, but when I dwell on them and energize them, the suffering begins. I have to remember that I have choices about where I put my energy...

Great question, Lillian!

He has love, empathy and compassion for his alcohol. Remember, alcohol comes first and foremost to an alcoholic.

To us, who are addicted to alcoholics, they come first and foremost.

Alcohol is his obsession.
He is your obsession.