bapril

Hello everyone,

I am 21 weeks pregnant with an alcoholic boyfriend. I am questioning whether my best bet would be to remain in the relationship and work through my problems so that I can live with his alcoholism and raise our child with both parents or if I should leave before the baby is born so he doesn't have to be raised in an alcoholic environment? I still want his father to be a part of his life, but I think if I leave it will prevent our child from seeing as much of his drinking and the corresponding alcoholic behavior. I just don't know what to do....any questions or comments would be greatly appreciated!

Thanks,
April

walkingtheline

First of all-Welcome!

Your question is such a personal one-to stay or to go is something each must decide for themselves. Some here have found effective ways to live with their As and lead happy and productive lives. Others have elected to leave and end their relationship. You seem to have a "hybrid" in mind...live elsewhere but allow the A visitation and interaction with your child.

Have the two of you discussed this? What does your heart say? Do you have a support system of friends and family? Do you attend Al-anon?

And, do you know yet...boy? girl? Names?

Again, welcome to SR...there is much wisdom here and I hope some who respond to this post will say something that helps you. I'm looking forward to getting to know you.

Cynay

Welcome BApril... we are glad you found us.

Wow 21, having a baby and having an A in your life.... sounds busy busy busy....

I dont think anyone here can tell you what to do, and I dont think they would try.... You have left out alot in your post though. How long have you known the babies father, are you attending Al-anon or another support group? Is the father aware there is a problem???

I can tell you what happened to me though. My first husband was an A, though back in the day I did not know the difference between an A and a partier... we were married when I was 23 and shortly after he decided he wanted to be a father... SO along came my beautiful baby girl. I ended up divorced before she was 2. I changed and he did not, when I was not the working/party girl and mom/responsibility girl became my reality he did not grow with me and his drinking got steadly worse...

Today my daughter and I attend Al-anon together because of the Alcholics in our lives, she has cryed so many nights because of his emotional unavailability and the promises he breaks over and over again... She does not yet understand the disease but I can tell you it has effectived her in ways that break a mothers heart. Being a single parent is not easy as well, but its worth it and I would not have changed having this blessing in my life.

Well there is my story..... or a little bit of it. Remember one thing, you dont have to make all of lifes decisions in one day, I would start with the basics... what do YOU want out of life for not only YOU but also your child... then find the support/education you will need to obtain what you want... the rest will fall into place.

HockeyMom

bapril,

First of all, CONGRATULATIONS! A baby is a blessing, no matter what the circumstances.

Like walkingtheline said, you will have to decide what you need to do for yourself and your baby.

But I love what Dr Phil says: "Children would rather be FROM a broken home, than IN a broken home".

If you read some of our stories, you will get a sense of what life is like raising a child(ren) with an alcoholic.

I encourage you strongly to go to Al-Anon meetings. I HATED the meetings at first. But no matter what you decide to do, the friends you make at Al-Anon will support and strengthen you through it all. You will need those friends whether you stay or go. I sure do!

Keep coming back to SR!

ismchanger

I am an A and have a 6-month-old. I and my wife are 42 and this is our first and only. My disease has caused many issues, but then again so has her self-righteous belief that just because she's a normie I shouldn't be trusted to make decisions about our son.

I happen to be in recovery, and am learning just how critical it is to be practicing the principles of AA in all my affairs. The world of raising children is one that requires self-sacrifice, and most practicing A's are not really able to do this. We feel it is critically important for a child to have both parents at home; HOWEVER, she has made it absolutely clear that I cannot drink and be around our son, period. If I choose to drink, I choose to be apart from my family. I think that is reasonable, especially considering how many years I put her to the test with my stupidity and unmanageable behavior.

Make sure you take a strong interest in your vitamin and supplement intake! My wife did exhaustive research and followed up with everything. We have friends that did none of that, and their baby is not nearly as bright, interested and emotionally sound as our baby, despite being 6 months older than our son. I feel bad that so many people spend so little time on learning about pre-natal helath. Here's an idea: ask your boyfriend to attend birthing/parenting classes with you, and make sure he understands he needs to be sober (like all day long sober) because it's damned important to you and the baby. And don't just ask once: guys will be a little resistant to these things because they are sort of "women's things", but once you get to know some other couples in the class he'll see that it really is a partnership affair. Try your local hospital and women's health care facilities for information. They are usually quite affordable.

And I disagree with some of the above comments: DO NOT just listen to your heart, PLEASE think it through and discuss it with him when he's sober. Try to get him to start seeing things as a father, not just a guy. There is no such thing as a good father that's a drunk. If he can't find it in his heart to try his best to change (and remind/remember that he's not/it's not going to be perfect) then he doesn't really deserve anything. Remembering that perfection will not happen and is not expected is important, because a lot of A's get hung up on their inability to be or do perfectly. It's a way the Devil has of giving us an excuse to continue in our drunken state.

God bless you!

bapril

Thanks walkingtheline,

I know that my decision to stay or leave needs to be made independently. I was just looking for some input on the issue from people that may have experienced something similar.

Actually, the communication in our relationship is almost non-existent, so we don't really discuss anything. I have expressed my dissatisfaction with his drinking many times, but I doubt I've been doing it in a productive way. In the past two years since we've been dating, I have left him four times for periods of time ranging from 3 months to 3 days because of his drinking. Every time he calls me up and promises that he will try to stop drinking. I know this is the wrong approach...

My family is very supportive of me now that I am pregnant, but I don't have many friends in my life. I have yet to attent Al-anon, but I have collected some literature and information on local meetings.

As for the baby ... The ultrasound tech says that it might be a boy, but not with any certainty yet because he was in an akward position at the time of the sonogram. I'm really undecided on names...

I appreciate your response and look forward to chatting again!

CatsTail

Try to get to some Alanon meetings, they will help clear your head about this.

If he doesn't see it as a problem then.............it could be tricky.

Ngaire

HockeyMom

bapril,

From reading your last post, it doesn't sound like you & your boyfriend have a very healthy relationship (Please correct me if I am wrong!)

If you don't have a healthy relationship now, from my experience, having a baby will make it that much more difficult.

And I have to agree with ismchanger, DO NOT FOLLOW YOUR HEART.

My head has known for years that I should leave my husband, but my heart always sucks me back in. I have only recently come to terms with the fact that I definately cannot live on this roller-coaster anymore and need to leave. our son is 9 yrs old.

When I found out I was pregnant, my husband (boyfriend at the time) told me he couldn't handle his own life, how could he raise a child? I said fine, I would do it on my own. And I did. For two years. Then he came back into our lives, begging, pleading, promising. And I let him back.

It was obvious from the beginning that his drinking binges were still a problem. But I put up with it. Mostly by pretending everything was ok. I cut myself off from all my friends.

Now, 7 years later, I have FINALLY realized that he is NOT a real father or husband. I will leave him this time. And my son & I will be better off for it.

bapril

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I have known the baby’s father for about 2 years now, he is 28 and I am 22. Unfortunately I have not attended an Al-anon meeting yet or anything similar.<o:p></o:p>

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My boyfriend knows that I have a problem with his drinking, but to him that is the only problem. I know that my boyfriend is more than just a partier, because most of the time he gets drunk alone (drinking a whole 12 pack or a small bottle of liquor). <o:p></o:p>

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Thank you for sharing your story and the helpful information.<o:p></o:p>

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OurBigSecret

Here is my story, maybe it will help.....

I had dated my boyfriend on and off for over 4 years (we always broke up because of his drug use) from the time I was 17. I got pregnant when I was 20 and had my son when I was 21. He wasn't around for the pregnancy. Once my son was born he came around and we decided to get married. (I blame all this stupidity of the breaking up and getting back, etc. on the idiocy of youth! I swear, I know better than that!) We got married when my son was 2 months old. Almost 2 months to the day later I realized that he was not going to change his drug ways and that I had someone who was counting on me to give him a good life free of all that drama, so I kicked him out. (Actually he was out already on a binge and I told him not to return) My son was the innocent victim in all of this and didn't deserve a life like that.
My son will be 17 at the end of this year. His father wasn't around during his growing years. The last time my son saw his father was when he was 5, and my son doesn't even remember it. His father lived in the same town all these years too, with no contact. His drug addiction got worse (I heard he sometimes cleaned up, but always went back) until he finally got hooked on heroin and overdosed about 2 years ago. So the only memory my son has of his father is going to his funeral. My son's father once told his brother that he didn't want to interfere in my son's life because he knew he would only mess it up, and that's probably true. My son and I were recently watching something on tv about people growing up without fathers and missing them and he commented that he didn't have a father and didn't feel like he missed out on much because of it because he had me. I think it is better for a child to have one parent and a stable life than 2 parents and an unstable life.
Good Luck with your pregnancy and the baby and remember that you are making your decisions for two now. The baby is counting on you to make the right choices because he/she can't do it for themselves. Your bf is a grown man he can take care of himself, the baby can't. I think you will see that as a mother your kids always come first.

FormerDoormat

I couldn't agree more.

meli2005

HI April.


Congrats on the baby. I am sure you wished you had better circumstances right now. If your boyfriend is not serious about recovery, then I would suggest you move on. It will make you very sick to live around this. Do you have family/friends nearby to help you? Having a baby is very stressful, you don't need the stress of dealing with an alcoholic too. You need to do what you feel is right for your situation. I think it's very good you are thinkig of your baby and not wanting your child to be a part of an alcoholic home which is very damaging to children.

Aquiana

Welcome April,

I can totally understand where you are coming from. I'm 9 months pregnant at the moment. Could be any day now! I know how hard the decision to stay or to go is. It's one of those things that will affect alot of people, probably for the rest of their lives. For me I beat myself up about it for a long time thinking I had to come up with something right away. I was so stressed out with it, basically became obsessed with it. Lot's of crying. Eventually I found I just couldn't make the decision like that and it's going to take me some time. I was getting too worked up and that wasn't good for my health or for the baby. I decided to wait until after the baby was born. In my situation, I've been far too emotional with all the pregnancy hormones to put enough ideas together. He is still here for the moment but that being said, it hasn't stopped me from making plans for myself. That's the major thing I think. If you do decide to hang tough for the moment, take the time to think about doing things without him. Have a plan for when he's there, and also when he's not. I constantly look at things like; who my supports are, where is the money going to come from, how I'm going to take care of baby myself, even how to explain to baby one day what happened. The stronger your plan for when he's not there, the easier it will be to let things go if they need to be.

I'm not telling you to hang in there. If you can get away from the situation now I say go for it. Mostly I'm just saying that if you aren't ready, don't beat yourself up. Congratulations and enjoy your pregnancy no matter where he is or what he's doing. Pregnancy can be physically and mentally draining even without an A to deal with so remember you do have time. Your health is very important right now.

Girlfriend

Sad situation! My heart goes out to you, bapril!

Great advice given already. All I can add is that my prayers are with you and your little baby and the father.


((hugs))

cobralingu

I am twenty weeks pregnant, and I seperated from my A about a month ago. He was exactly the same as your boyfriend, he would make promise after promise etc but never followed them through. It was very hard to get him out of my life, police involved etc to make him see I meant business.

A month down the line I feel like a big weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I can concentrate on myself, my daughter (8yrs old) and my baby to be. I am going to stick with the rule that he only comes to the house if he has not been drinking and the only time he will be visiting his child is when he is sober. That way it is up to him how much effort he puts into his parenting, and his relationship with me my daughter etc. The ball is now in his court and I'm also not continually anxious, nervous depressed, and as I say I have plenty of time to concentrate on what is important making my mind clearer, and I feel more able to make the right decisions. I feel that if we can form a friendship and just make the environment as healthy as possible for the baby it is going to have a much better up bringing than the one it would have had if I had not made my decision to seperate.

I just wanted to let you know that there is someone else in the same position as you, at almost the exact same stage of pregnancy as yourself. I hope you find the answers that you are seeking, and I wish you and your bump health and happiness.

alyssamichelle

I am currently 28 weeks pregnant and I am questioning whether I want to stay or go. My AH and I have been married for a little over a year. We have been together for three years in November. I am unhappy and have come to realize that I do not want our child to grow up in the atmosphere that we call our home. I am stuck too and am very glad that you have shared. We could all use a little help.

Because Of You

My mum is a major alcholic and my sister and I pretty much have to cope on our own because we're not close with our other relatives and our dad lives away too.
If you're sure you can cope then stay with your boyfriend, but living with my mum has seriously affected my sister & I and I wouldnt wish my worst enemy to have gone through what I have experienced.

Good luck

StandingStrong

Normally, I wouldn't even think of being quite so blunt and to the point on the computer with someone I don't even know - but because I feel strongly about this - I will tell you what I think.
I think you should check out the ACOA forum of this site. (ACOA - Adult Children Of Alcoholics). You will find that even as adults, having lived with an alcoholic, they were effected deeply and are still recovering trying to find a better life now. A lot can be learned from that forum.
From a personal standpoint, I have 3 children with my ah. Two are teenagers now and one is a pre-teen. I've watched countless times over the years as my children were hurt, disappointed, cried painful tears of greif, and were made to feel neglected, not important compared to alcohol, etc. I cannot say that if I had it to do over again that I would leave because that would mean I would be without my children. But I can say that I wish I was healthy enough to have left when they were all very small.
Knowing where you are now in your life - and knowing what I and my children have been through - I wouldn't ever recommend that anyone stay if they can avoid it.
I'm not telling you what to do - just telling you what I think.
Definately get to Alanon, you have a lot to learn. Questionning things now tells me alot.

I wish you luck no matter what you decide.

LizzieBee

Hello April,

Not sure I can be any help to you, unless the fact you're not alone is helpful. I'm also pregnant (25 weeks) to an alcoholic boyfriend and can't decide whether to stay or go, my boyfriend and I separated for a month and decided to get back together and I seriously doubt being back together is right, but somehow I can't seem to leave him.
I'm really worried because he hurts me so much it scares me to think how much he could damage a child.
I understand your concerns and just want to say I am thinking of you.
Good luck.

Liz

Freedom1990

I am mother to a beautiful 20 year old daughter whose father has not drank and been in AA for over 31 years now.

His participation in her life was non-existent with the exception of one year he decided to get to know her (he only lives 36 miles away), and that eventually dribbled off to nothing.

He wasn't there for his first set of kids when he was drinking, and that remained consistent with his second set of kids (she also has a half sister one year younger than her from a different mother) after he quit drinking. An absentee parent isn't just limited to active alcoholics.

It is possible to raise a child in a single parent home, and I don't regret for one moment all those years of hard work.