I need some reassurance bad
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Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Wixom, MI
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I need some reassurance bad
My husband and I were seperated for the better part of a year now. We were off and on during this time. He is now almost one month out of rehab. While there he told me how much he loved me and was so sorry for everything he had done. Now believe me, I know his drinking was horrible, but I was not perfect. It takes to people to make or break a relationship and I had my faults too. Anyway, he has been very short and angry since he got out. I suggest anxiety meds, but we have no insurance. We went to a natural food store and got him some natural products that were supposed to help. They didn't.
Let me back up... We seperated after he cheated on me. Not out of love or emotions. He called someone from his past out of the blue and set it up. It didn't just happen, he planned it. After this, he slept with a bunch of women (not sure of the #), talked with a ton, and e-mailed even more. We were seperated during most of his time. I will be honest. When he first left our family, I wanted to sleep with someone...anyone... just to get back at him (like that would help). I don't know if I am abnormal or what, but I couldn't do it. Not even close! I talked with some people, but could not get interested in anyone else. There was one very young guy from my worked that I talked with quite a bit, but was not interested in him romantically at all. I went out with him a couple of times. To me, it was just as friends (there was never any kind of romance stuff) we just hung out. I think I was just trying to keep myself busy to try and forget about my ex. Anyway, when I realized that he was thinking we would turn into anything more than friends, I let him know I was not interested.
My husband has now met him. When my husband asked him about us, for some reason, this young guy told him that we slept together and that he was going to take me to Hawaii! Not even close...I never even kissed him! It was not that type of relationship to me. Anyway, my husband is now blaming me for this mess. My problem is that he wasn't even in the picture. Believe me I would love to be able to throw in his face that I slept with all kinds of people, but I never did (and this was a long timeframe). I could never get my husband out of my mind or heart.
Now he is sober and becoming the person I knew he always was deep inside. The problem is that now he thinks I am a ***** and will not believe or trust anything I say. I have been with him for 8 years and put up with hell. Now, when things are getting better, he hates me!! He is sending me the cruelists e-mails about how much he can't stand me, wants other women, and cannot stand sex with me. Is he not thinking clearly because of withdrawals and anxiety? Does anyone know anything that can help anxiety? Or just HELP ME because I am not handling this AT ALL! I honestly love him with all my heart and when people talk about their dreams, mine is just my family together and him sober!
Let me back up... We seperated after he cheated on me. Not out of love or emotions. He called someone from his past out of the blue and set it up. It didn't just happen, he planned it. After this, he slept with a bunch of women (not sure of the #), talked with a ton, and e-mailed even more. We were seperated during most of his time. I will be honest. When he first left our family, I wanted to sleep with someone...anyone... just to get back at him (like that would help). I don't know if I am abnormal or what, but I couldn't do it. Not even close! I talked with some people, but could not get interested in anyone else. There was one very young guy from my worked that I talked with quite a bit, but was not interested in him romantically at all. I went out with him a couple of times. To me, it was just as friends (there was never any kind of romance stuff) we just hung out. I think I was just trying to keep myself busy to try and forget about my ex. Anyway, when I realized that he was thinking we would turn into anything more than friends, I let him know I was not interested.
My husband has now met him. When my husband asked him about us, for some reason, this young guy told him that we slept together and that he was going to take me to Hawaii! Not even close...I never even kissed him! It was not that type of relationship to me. Anyway, my husband is now blaming me for this mess. My problem is that he wasn't even in the picture. Believe me I would love to be able to throw in his face that I slept with all kinds of people, but I never did (and this was a long timeframe). I could never get my husband out of my mind or heart.
Now he is sober and becoming the person I knew he always was deep inside. The problem is that now he thinks I am a ***** and will not believe or trust anything I say. I have been with him for 8 years and put up with hell. Now, when things are getting better, he hates me!! He is sending me the cruelists e-mails about how much he can't stand me, wants other women, and cannot stand sex with me. Is he not thinking clearly because of withdrawals and anxiety? Does anyone know anything that can help anxiety? Or just HELP ME because I am not handling this AT ALL! I honestly love him with all my heart and when people talk about their dreams, mine is just my family together and him sober!
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Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Where the sun always shines!
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Helpinghands.....instead of worrying about what he's feeling and what he thinks of you, what are you feeling? What do you think of yourself? What are you doing for you?
The key is to take the focus off of him and put it on you.
Good luck sweetie.
The key is to take the focus off of him and put it on you.
Good luck sweetie.
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Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Anaheim,CA
Posts: 549
Take a deep breath.
Everyone here has felt what you're feeling.
Just because he's not using alcohol doesn't mean he's 'well'. Whatever issued he had while he drank he still has. You did not mention if he's involved in AA. But, you can't do a thing about him or what he does or says. You can however, do much about yourself.
YOU matter. Your responsibility is to be true to YOU. To care for yourself and to do things that are in YOUR best interest.
Have you become a regular at al-anon and sought counseling? Have you blocked his email so he can't send you mean messages? He doesn't have the right to bash you, you have the right to not accept this treatment!
I urge you to find your local al-anon and become a member. Attend. Learn. Read all you can read. Hang out here...there is much wisdom and tons of experience within these cyberwalls.
And know you are not alone. (((helpinghands68)))
Everyone here has felt what you're feeling.
Just because he's not using alcohol doesn't mean he's 'well'. Whatever issued he had while he drank he still has. You did not mention if he's involved in AA. But, you can't do a thing about him or what he does or says. You can however, do much about yourself.
YOU matter. Your responsibility is to be true to YOU. To care for yourself and to do things that are in YOUR best interest.
Have you become a regular at al-anon and sought counseling? Have you blocked his email so he can't send you mean messages? He doesn't have the right to bash you, you have the right to not accept this treatment!
I urge you to find your local al-anon and become a member. Attend. Learn. Read all you can read. Hang out here...there is much wisdom and tons of experience within these cyberwalls.
And know you are not alone. (((helpinghands68)))
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Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Wixom, MI
Posts: 15
I now I am not the liar, *****, backstabber, etc.... that he says I am. I know that I am a good person and did not do these things I am accused of. To me, sex is not just sex. I loved him to much to even sleep with someone else and it has been almost a year (off and on). I feel horrible and cannot believe that this is now happening just when I thought I was getting everything I have wanted. I am doing what I can for me. I go to work everyday, I do the best I can with everything I do everyday, and I come on here (when I can get on his computer). I honestly just really love him. I do not forgive him for what he has done, but I see the person he is capable of being and am willing to move forward provided he goes forward as well. I would not put up with the cheating again!
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Join Date: Aug 2005
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I know that I am not alone and thanks for that. I have not been to an al-anon meeting. I am going to be starting counseling next week. I know that I matter, but to be honest, I cannot stand that someone I have been with for 8 years and have the most beautiful 2 year old son with would think this of me. I know he would not be instantly well, but my god, how can he not believe me. Why would I have stood by his side through all of this if I wanted other people?
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He goes to AA, but not very often. When he got out he was supposed to go to 90 meetings in 90 days. He goes maybe once a week now.
I don't know for sure if the young guy said this. I don't understand why he would. When I found out he was thinking we could become more than just I was pretty freaked out. He is something like 15 years younger than me and not anyone I would ever be attracted to. He was just alright to talk with and as we all know when you are going through this kind of thing you need to talk. Anyway, I was pretty rude about the way I handled it. He stopped working at my work and I never contacted him after that. He called a couple of times and I did not return his calls. I now have no way of contacting him to see if he said these lies or why he said them.
I know many of you think I should not have my H in my life, but I am not perfect either. I am so proud of him for finally getting the help he needed, but he seems more short and untrusting as ever. How could he not see that if I wanted and was having other people, I would never have stayed this long and taken him back time and time again?
I don't know for sure if the young guy said this. I don't understand why he would. When I found out he was thinking we could become more than just I was pretty freaked out. He is something like 15 years younger than me and not anyone I would ever be attracted to. He was just alright to talk with and as we all know when you are going through this kind of thing you need to talk. Anyway, I was pretty rude about the way I handled it. He stopped working at my work and I never contacted him after that. He called a couple of times and I did not return his calls. I now have no way of contacting him to see if he said these lies or why he said them.
I know many of you think I should not have my H in my life, but I am not perfect either. I am so proud of him for finally getting the help he needed, but he seems more short and untrusting as ever. How could he not see that if I wanted and was having other people, I would never have stayed this long and taken him back time and time again?
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Join Date: May 2004
Location: Birthplace of Rock & Roll, Home of the Blues
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He won't, because it's really not about you, it's about him.
He can't trust himself yet. It also changes the subject... just because he's not drinking doesn't mean the alcoholic behavior stops.
You might want to consider getting a checkup for yourself just in case he shared something with you that you don't want.
Just tell him... plain & simple, I did not sleep with x nor did I ever consider it, so there is nothing to discuss on this matter.
He can't trust himself yet. It also changes the subject... just because he's not drinking doesn't mean the alcoholic behavior stops.
You might want to consider getting a checkup for yourself just in case he shared something with you that you don't want.
Just tell him... plain & simple, I did not sleep with x nor did I ever consider it, so there is nothing to discuss on this matter.
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Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
He is sending me the cruelists e-mails about how much he can't stand me, wants other women, and cannot stand sex with me.
He seems to be judging you by his own standards, which I guess we all do in a way. I find it bizarre, though. Surely he wants to be forgiven for his "mistakes"? But he's not willing to forgive you for what he perceives as the same mistake? (I know it didn't really happen, but there is still hypocrisy in his attitude)
Now he is sober and becoming the person I knew he always was deep inside.
Are you sure this guy said this? Or could it be possible that your H is winding up for a relapse and needs something big to blame?
Personally, I wouldn't dignify his accusations with a response. No need to fuel the fire.
Hope the counselling works well for you.
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Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: over the rainbow
Posts: 487
yeah, Minnie nailed it. he sounds like a dry drunk projecting all his self-hatred for what HE did onto you. maybe you could just hold up a mirror to him while he is throwing his barbs and say "back atchya!" (just being sarcastic)
at the al-anon meetings you usually get a newcomer's packet which is loaded with good information about living with an alcoholic. they expect they can do whatever they want, however YOU are supposed to not do anything which would hurt them. i would suggest you get over to a meeting as soon as possible for your recovery will aid him as well.
at the al-anon meetings you usually get a newcomer's packet which is loaded with good information about living with an alcoholic. they expect they can do whatever they want, however YOU are supposed to not do anything which would hurt them. i would suggest you get over to a meeting as soon as possible for your recovery will aid him as well.
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Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: Canada
Posts: 727
Hey H.H.68,putting the focus back onto you here,if i may.You know the truth.Why continue to feed the fires?Telling the truth,to someone who doesnt want to hear it.And would rather believe what they want to believe,at this moment.No win situation.YOU have that beautiful truth,thats all there is.Embrace this truth,not the lies another tells.Truth comes to light,at some point.It always does.So,easy does it,and let it go.Let it all go.This is what i call "stuff"!!!{said in a tone like im trying to shake dog do of my fingers}.You don't have to play this game anymore.Learn that what others think about you and me too is none of our business.Folks will think what they want to,regardless,of what we say and do to try to tell them otherwise.Youre in the know...not anyone else.
You say that you are willing to move forward........provided he goes forward as well.This is about.....your recovery..your well being....your life.If youre waiting for him,then youre giving another person,control over your very life.For myself i went regardless of what hub was doing.I was tried of suffering ,and in great mental,spiritual,pain.I needed recovery.My,Recover never changed anyone else.But it changed me.That this is what has made the difference in my life.Pray for those who have hurt you.This will give you peace,inside,no matter what.
Thanks for letting me share,
God Bless,and take care!!!!!!!!
You say that you are willing to move forward........provided he goes forward as well.This is about.....your recovery..your well being....your life.If youre waiting for him,then youre giving another person,control over your very life.For myself i went regardless of what hub was doing.I was tried of suffering ,and in great mental,spiritual,pain.I needed recovery.My,Recover never changed anyone else.But it changed me.That this is what has made the difference in my life.Pray for those who have hurt you.This will give you peace,inside,no matter what.
Thanks for letting me share,
God Bless,and take care!!!!!!!!
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Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: nowheresville
Posts: 872
First off, if you have no way of contacting that guy to find out if he said those things to your A then how did your A meet him? Are you sure he really met him?
Secondly I noticed in your posts quite a few times you keep saying he's becoming the person I always knew he could become. How is that? Where is that person? I don't see it in the way he is behaving, sorry.
He sounds pretty wacked out and insane. He's abusing you for what he did.
As Codies we tend to like to focus on what we perceive as the POTENTIAL in the A rather than what is REALITY. We focus on the potential because that is what WE want not necessarily what the A actually is.
Take some time for you, block his calls and e-mails go to Alanon and do some thinking about this, is this really what you want?
He's not in recovery he isn't working a program.
Ngaire
Secondly I noticed in your posts quite a few times you keep saying he's becoming the person I always knew he could become. How is that? Where is that person? I don't see it in the way he is behaving, sorry.
He sounds pretty wacked out and insane. He's abusing you for what he did.
As Codies we tend to like to focus on what we perceive as the POTENTIAL in the A rather than what is REALITY. We focus on the potential because that is what WE want not necessarily what the A actually is.
Take some time for you, block his calls and e-mails go to Alanon and do some thinking about this, is this really what you want?
He's not in recovery he isn't working a program.
Ngaire
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Join Date: May 2005
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 1,637
I have to say that I love what Cap3 has to say about this. Cap, you hit the naiil on the head! It's about us and OUR recovery. Period.
Thank you for sharing your wonderful perspective with us!
Shannon
Thank you for sharing your wonderful perspective with us!
Shannon
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Join Date: May 2004
Location: over yonder
Posts: 1,548
I found men lie if they don't get sex, they claim they did. (maybe an ego thing). If they get sex they don't tell as might ruin their chance to get more. Make sense??
If there wasn't even a hug, kiss or holding hands you could say, "Bring me an eye witness or a video, something this ugly needs proof".
Just my thoughts.
I can't remember did he say he had had affairs, there too maybe say, "Bring me the proof." "Words are just words and can be lies"
(course he could con some silly female into pretending and make a mushy video.)
Have heard this a lot, that the A calls the wife a Bi---, etc. and accuses the spouse of cheating. It seems to be bottled in the alcohol.
Only act on my suggestions if it feels right in your gut.
If there wasn't even a hug, kiss or holding hands you could say, "Bring me an eye witness or a video, something this ugly needs proof".
Just my thoughts.
I can't remember did he say he had had affairs, there too maybe say, "Bring me the proof." "Words are just words and can be lies"
(course he could con some silly female into pretending and make a mushy video.)
Have heard this a lot, that the A calls the wife a Bi---, etc. and accuses the spouse of cheating. It seems to be bottled in the alcohol.
Only act on my suggestions if it feels right in your gut.
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Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Midwest USA
Posts: 9
It seems to me that your husband is in need of therapy, as many A's are. The focus is not on him though, but on you. I do hope you get some counseling for yourself, so that you can sort out all the feelings you are having.
I have been in your shoes, and still encounter brief periods of dry drunk behavior. My H and I are separated. He blamed me, made up accusations of infidelity, anything to take the focus off of him. I knew it in my head, but didn't stand up to myself until I got some counseling. H sees a therapist now, and recognizes when the same old feelings are welling up inside him. He knows either to not talk to me, to go for a run, or get to a meeting.
You take care of you.
Marg
I have been in your shoes, and still encounter brief periods of dry drunk behavior. My H and I are separated. He blamed me, made up accusations of infidelity, anything to take the focus off of him. I knew it in my head, but didn't stand up to myself until I got some counseling. H sees a therapist now, and recognizes when the same old feelings are welling up inside him. He knows either to not talk to me, to go for a run, or get to a meeting.
You take care of you.
Marg
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Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
*hugs*
Im sorry your hurting, they are right though that you need to take the focus off him and put it on you.
My ex-abf use to do the same thing, and it got worse after he got sober.... I found out later that it had NOTHING to do with me. Hinesight is such an eye opener... he would do that when he was either cheating on me or wanted to. Most of the time you can put a mirror up and see where the attitude is coming from.
It was when my ex got sober that we broke up, unfortunally sober does not mean healthy and can mean that it gets much worse before it gets better... they have not changed, they still have the problems that started the drinking and now they dont have any buffer to help them deaden who they are. Sometimes that can hurt more then the drinking.
Just work on taking care of you cuz that is all you can control.
Im sorry your hurting, they are right though that you need to take the focus off him and put it on you.
My ex-abf use to do the same thing, and it got worse after he got sober.... I found out later that it had NOTHING to do with me. Hinesight is such an eye opener... he would do that when he was either cheating on me or wanted to. Most of the time you can put a mirror up and see where the attitude is coming from.
It was when my ex got sober that we broke up, unfortunally sober does not mean healthy and can mean that it gets much worse before it gets better... they have not changed, they still have the problems that started the drinking and now they dont have any buffer to help them deaden who they are. Sometimes that can hurt more then the drinking.
Just work on taking care of you cuz that is all you can control.
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Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Where the sun always shines!
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Originally Posted by helpinghands68
I know many of you think I should not have my H in my life, .....but he seems more short and untrusting as ever.
Originally Posted by helpinghands68
How could he not see that if I wanted and was having other people, I would never have stayed this long and taken him back time and time again
I know this is hard for you. But sweetie, you need to take your focus off of him and put it on you. That does not mean get him out of your life. What it means is ... put you first.
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Join Date: Apr 2004
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Keep your side of the street clean, and let him deal with his side. Look, when my AH first started going off at me and telling me garbage like, "NOBODY likes you, M," and "You never REALLY loved me," I bought into it and tried to convince him otherwise. It took me quite awhile to realize he was blowing smoke up my ***. I'm only responsible for ME. If he wants to believe his own crap, let him - it's his problem and not mine. My conscience is clean - I wasn't running wild to clubs and flirting with men the nine months my AH was in Iraq.
Thank God he has never accused me of whoring around on him, although he's accused me of throwing out his wedding band, trying to kill him (honest!), and called the cops on me because I locked him out of the bedroom and he told the police I was attempting suicide!!
All water under the bridge for me because I just chalk it up to typical addict crazy behavior. When I finally detached from his mess and started taking care of my side of the street, his accusations stopped having their effect on me. Sure, it hurts to have someone you love accuse you falsely, but as long as you can look yourself in the mirror, that is truly all that matters.
P.S. - Your story is a great example of "people in glass houses shouldn't throw stones."
Thank God he has never accused me of whoring around on him, although he's accused me of throwing out his wedding band, trying to kill him (honest!), and called the cops on me because I locked him out of the bedroom and he told the police I was attempting suicide!!
All water under the bridge for me because I just chalk it up to typical addict crazy behavior. When I finally detached from his mess and started taking care of my side of the street, his accusations stopped having their effect on me. Sure, it hurts to have someone you love accuse you falsely, but as long as you can look yourself in the mirror, that is truly all that matters.
P.S. - Your story is a great example of "people in glass houses shouldn't throw stones."
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Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Wixom, MI
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Thank you all for your support! This has been one of the most difficult weeks of my life. You are all right! I cannot convince him of anything. He has to reach within himself and realize the truth. Something I don't think he has in him right now. I will try to do my best to put myself first, but it is hard. I honestly love my husband and just want my family together and happy!
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