Arrgggg....I have come so far over th past few years and I HATE my reaction tonight..
 

I had to bite my tongue over and over and over again just to keep myself shut up.

Things are going very well for my husband at work, he is extremely excited and very hyper. When he is like this he talks ALL the time and does not sleep and listens to music into the late night and drinks way too much. I think he has some from of bi-polar (although he as only been diagnosed with a "mood disorder" and yes, he is taking anti-depressants and yes, he is still drinking so they don't work as well and no he is no longer going to therapy).

Anyway, he used to be like this ALL the time, this manic hyper mode.

I have not seen it in almost a year.

Tonight he was raring to go. Jabbering non stop, drinking like crazy (although he did think he was hiding it from me by putting the bottle behind the chair when he saw me), and generally acting so annoying.

I retreated to the basement. But I am so upset that I am seeing this again. I really have enjoyed NOT having this side of my husband around anymore.

I know what I can and can not do. It just kills me that my first reaction tonight was all the things that I KNOW not to do.

Good for me for NOT doing them, but still, why are they so close to the surface as my primary response? I hate that.

Jenny

Mine is just like that. If his job is doing something different or exciting then he is worse. He started drinking again after 7 years and I think his job is part of the reason, just way too hyper. I know how you feel and since having kids, I cannot tolerate the late night stuff.

Oh, how I can relate!

When I came into recovery, I had 26 years of practice in my unhealthy, reactive behaviors. Those learned behaviors became second-nature to me and were basically automatic. After years in recovery they're still there, only less pronounced and easier to see coming so they can be avoided. Today I know I have choices about whether I react... or respond.

My sponsor told me that my character defects are never actually "removed", but merely "moved" so that they're no longer directly in front of me and constantly in my way. I guess that, rather than "removed", they've been "reduced". Today, that's good enough. If someday---by some miracle---they're gone, that'll be even better!

I hope that you won't beat yourself up for having a human moment...

Oh Jenny, don't beat yourself up! You didn't act - that's the most important thing.

I find that my first internal reaction is very often my "old" one. But I have learnt not to react to that and act on what I have learned in my recovery. I can't overide my instincts, but I don't have to be a slave to them.

Keep on doing what you're doing - you're on the right track.

I can completely relate to this!! For me, those feelings and reactions were my mode of handling for so long that it's going to take me a while to replace them. I really couldn't agree more with NoCellPhone.

I think you did beautifully by retreating to the basement! Stepping out of the drama is wonderful progress! Way to go Jenny!

Im not judged by what I think, feel or would LIKE to do, just on what I do.

So as far as I can see, you have not done anything to kick yourself about. Accept that your imperfect, human and have the same thoughts we all do.

And, yes, it does sound a bit like bi-polar. Sadly, the antid's dont treat that, and the drinking kinda washes out the effect of the meds anyhow.

Keep the focus on you!! You did just fine!

I look at it as being human, no matter how much we learn.
We are beings of love and feelings.
When something happens emotion takes over.
That's stronger then anything else.

So it's ok, your just human.

yikes - sounds like my house last night!

ahh jenny - you've got a handle on it - i think you just needed to vent to your family. it does suck - especially when it's been so long since you've seen that behavior!

Possibly because you are human??? You sound like you did the best thing!

Thank you for the kind words. I was very proud of myself this morning for NOT reacting in my instinctive mode.

When he woke up this morning he said "I am exhausted. I can't do that again. It is so not healthy".

Ya think??? :rolleyes:

Jenny