Oh, so this is loving detachment...
 

After months in Alanon, I finally figured out what "loving detachment" means. I've been letting my alcoholic, adult daughter stay at my place for the last four months after she lost her job due to her drinking. I thought this was helping her to heal, and stay in recovery.

This was an extremely stressful time - I dealt with her suicide threats, detox visits, her committment to a psych ward, her treating me like dirt, etc.. etc.. all summer. A few days ago, she moved into her new apartment and drank a quart of whiskey the first night there.

I was blown away. I finally "got it". I finally understand what people mean when they talk about ennabling, and detachment. I finally realize that no amount of my love will stop her from drinking. No amount of my sacrificing for her, will stop her from drinking. No amount of me going into debt to take care of her will stop her from drinking. No amount of me driving her to AA meetings will stop her from drinking. There is nothing I can do for her, that will stop her from drinking, and if she is determined to destroy her life, I have to learn to be at peace with that...

Now that I finally understand that, I feel a real sense of freedom to start living my own life, instead of trying to live her life for her...

I just wanted to share that.

Robina

it took me a long time and i still slip but it IS a good feeling!

That's exactly what FOB was talking about in finding "myself." I'm so glad that you found the peace and serenity that you deserve.

Step One saves me from the pain and frustration of my own addiction of trying to control others.

((((Robin))))

:-) Shannon

hugs back to you all.

I feel like I now have permission to feel my own happiness, instead of feeling anxious and sad about my daughter all the time...

Wow, recovery is amazing, isn't it?

Robin

Recovery is awe-inspiring. It makes my heart jump. It makes me laugh, smile, and sing outloud. It makes me appreciate every moment of every day, and enjoy every conversation. Each and every person I meet is my HP giving me an opportunity to learn and grow.

Recovery opens my eyes to the beauty of the world around me, and in me.

You have experienced what we call an "Ah-ha" moment. The lightbulb moment, the "Thats what they mean" moment... a moment of earth shaking "I get IT now".

COngrats to you.....and her, becuase as you let go of her, she now has the opportunity to deal with life on life's terms, just like a big girl!

Consider yourself blessed. It takes some people years to come to those realizations...

(((Robina)))

I am so happy for you. This is a great leap forward.

Wishing you continued happiness.

Wonderful wonderful you. Yes, in that moment you realized that as a mom, you can only go so far. Living for and with SonnyBoy was one of the most stressfilled times. Once I let him go...both financially and emotionally..I became a better person. In my own life and for those around me. I was/am living my life for me. It's hard..don't get me wrong. But oh so worth it.

Hugs to you dear.

Hugs and love back to all of you. The words of support mean a lot. I feel a huge freedom, I feel like I now have permission to live my own life.

I only pray that I will be able to hold onto this feeling if/when the "bad times" start up again. (I fear that she might lose her apartment, and I will be the only person between her and living on the streets - I pray I will never be put in that position, because I don't know what I would do)

I have told her she can't stay/sleep at my place any more. There were complaints from the other tenants about the noise she was making late at night. I decided I wasn't going to allow her behaviour to have me evicted from my own apartment. When I told her she had to go to her own apartment and stay there from now on, she threatened to go there and drink. I calmly replied: "If that's what you decide to do, there is nothing I can do to stop it".
I told her I was practicing loving detachment and she accused me of not caring about her. I told her I love her very much but she could not stay at my place any more, and I really meant it!

Look at the options - one option is that I continue to make life easy for her and she continues to drink, having no motivation to do the hard work of recovery. At the rate her disease is progressing, that will surely kill her.

The other option is that I stop making things easy for her, and allow her to make her own mistakes, and learn from them. That option is also frightening, because she could possibly drink herself to death. But at least with this scenario, she has a chance for recovery, and life. This is the harder path for a mother - to stand by while my only child suffers the effects of this disease, and do nothing, but it is the only way she will have a chance in the long run, God help me.

Much love to all of you.

Robina

hi Robin,

Yep, same thing exactly happened to me. You've changed the steps to the dance and she doesn't know what to do. The irony here is that this may help her more than anything else you've done.
I'm really happy for you. Letting go as a mom is so very hard. You're a good mom who loves deeply. It's wonderful that you are now creating boundaries.
And.....God will help you.
fondly,
Reikihelps

Reiki:

Love and blessings back to you and your son.

Robin

MAN,....isn't that the truth!!! It's hard letting go of your children because we've always been their caretakers from infancy to adulthood. When my kids left and moved hundreds of miles away for their careers and college, I thought I was gonna die. But, like Reikihelps said, loving deeply as a Mom is the only way we can do that. With the faith that they'll be okay.

I know what you mean about getting the enabling thing. It took me A LONG time, too, to get that with my xabf. I kept thinking, only because I'm a RA of many years and had no one to help me (and I still got sober..YAY!) that who else was gonna help him? Somebody had to! He'd drink himself to death if I didn't.

I tried to get his whole family in on it and BOY......was that a mistake. They ALL jumped on me and blamed me for his alcoholism (even though he drank for 9 years before I was with him ????). THEN, the lightbulb came on. "This is what they're talking about as far as enabling goes!!" I've stopped since then.

No more do I "take care" of things for him. No making phone calls for him, no babying him. He's 45 and needs to learn to do it on his own or forget it. I've already raised my kids. I don't need another one. And, as long as he knows he can manipulate me or push my buttons, he'll try every time.

Best thing we can do is walk away and let them make their own decisions and watch them fall, but also watch them pick themselves back up again. It's worth it to see that and to see that they "get it" too,........finally.

Good for you,robina!

Girlfriend:

Letting go is hard work, isn't is? I guess that's why we're here.

Robin

Yeah, it is. My kids both left for college/career 5 months after my Dad died. It seemed like I lost 3 people that year.

BUT, the good news is, my kids are grown and have come back. My 26yr old son lives here in the same city now and I see him often and my daughter is a recording artist in NYC, but I talk with her all the time and see her atleast twice a year.

Hard as it is, we've gotta let go in love and faith that they'll be watched over and kept safe while we're apart and that they'll learn when they fall and have to get back up again.

Hang in there. You're doing well. :wink3:

Can someone teach my mom some loving detachment so she can stop enabling my brother? He has her completely under her thumb with unspoken threats of suicide (this is my mother's fear) and real threats that others might hurt him if my mother ever went to the police, etc. It is so crazy. I am going to start recommending her to attend some Al-anon meetings.

[I]"...one option is that I continue to make life easy for her and she continues to drink, having no motivation to do the hard work of recovery. At the rate her disease is progressing, that will surely kill her.

The other option is that I stop making things easy for her, and allow her to make her own mistakes, and learn from them. "

What you wrote here really makes a lot of sense to me-what I've done to "help" in the past really hasn't "helped" anyone (me or the alcoholic) at all, and may have even contributed to the situation.

Yoursister - My alcoholic daughter has made threats of suicide in order to get her way. This is called emotional blackmail, and it is very traumatic for a mother to deal with. It sounds lke your Mum could use Alanon - I go to three meetings a week, and it helps me stay sane.

Winter - it is so very difficult to stop ennabling. I find I really need the support of my Alanon program to recognize when I am ennabling. In the long run, ennabling is very damaging to the alcoholic. It is hard for me to set boundaries, though - that is why I need Alanon for support.

Robin

Actually, yes Yoursister! Can you take her to a meeting or two. She may get it all by listening. I find that for a week or so after a meeting, things that were shared hit me over the head like a two by four! It comes to you when you're ready, I guess.

I can say that about me, too, Winter. Bet we'd have lots of company as well. Just don't get confused with that - you didn't cause the illness. It's biology. Plain and simple.
Go easy on yourself. There's enough to do today rather than slipping into the past.
warm wishes to all,
Reikihelps

When I found that my "helping" SonnyBoy was really only for me..that's when I decided to stop. I couldn't continue to help him financially..so I thought that as his mom...emotionally was all I had left. But even that in the end was really only for me. I had done my job. I got that child from babyhood to adulthood. I had done my best to see that he knew right from wrong. That telling lies would only come back to hurt him. That the best way to get from point A to point B was a straight path.

He decided to stray from that path. It wasn't an indication that I was a bad mother. Nobody was pointing fingers and saying that if I had done more then he wouldnt have turned out the way he did...except him. In my worst moments as his "protecter" I could feel myself being sucked in to his vortex of pity, self loathing, anger and oh so much more. Yes, he tried the emotional blackmail with threats both veiled and outright. I decided that I wouldnt give in and pulled myself back time and time again. Did I stumble? Of course. I would find myself missing my son so I would go see him and before long..the tears started..the "where did I go wrong"s....but you know what...I didnt go wrong. I have never in my life picked up a joint. I have never drank so much that I didnt know what I was saying or doing. I have always been able to say NO to too much of anything. Does that make me or you or any of us on this site Bad or Heartless? NO. It means that when enough has been taken from us..when enough middle of the night phone calls come..we can say Yes I love you, No I will not continue to support you or your habits, Yes I really do care about what happens to you and God Yes..I want the best for you. But....and this is a biggie....BUT..I care about my self as much if not more. That is the point where you begin to live again. That Ah Ha moment when you realize that though you love them..your love can't save them from themselves...that you really start the letting go process.
Sorry...off my soapbox now.
Love to each of you wherever you are in your travels.