Checked My "A" Into Rehab - Now What?
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Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Sussex, NJ
Posts: 1,331
Oh believe me, we understand the seriousness of the situation, only too well. You act as if you are the only one who has experienced this situation, you haven't. Your situation is different than ours right? Because it hasn't been for years and years and I find it hard to believe this is the first time ever in your life you've had co-dependent/enabling behaviors.
It is my belief these behaviors start at quite a young age and develop over time as one matures.
Well guess what, you said you've been living this for 3 years now and want it to end and hopefully this time it will and I sincerely mean that. For most of us, 3 years isn't long enough to make us sick and tired of being sick and tired.
28 days is great ..... she is safe there, she is among people who are also going through what she is going through, it's a safe environment and they will only give her the tools to deal with reality, her life. If she neglects to use these tools and doesn't follow through with NA and work a program, her chances of relapse are great.
Are you going to allow her to see her friends that give her the pills? Are you going to tell her doctor who she gets prescriptions from that she is abusing? Are you willing to give up all the "good" friends that hand her pills when she asks? Do you realize that she will probably never be able to take any type of prescription narcotics ever again, even for pain because the chance for relapse is so great?
But even with all these questions, which I do not want an answer to, she stills owns all the answers .... not you.
Family support is wonderful and I agree with the counselor .... the more the better, but be very aware of where support ends and enabling begins because it's a very fine line between the two.
It is my belief these behaviors start at quite a young age and develop over time as one matures.
Well guess what, you said you've been living this for 3 years now and want it to end and hopefully this time it will and I sincerely mean that. For most of us, 3 years isn't long enough to make us sick and tired of being sick and tired.
28 days is great ..... she is safe there, she is among people who are also going through what she is going through, it's a safe environment and they will only give her the tools to deal with reality, her life. If she neglects to use these tools and doesn't follow through with NA and work a program, her chances of relapse are great.
Are you going to allow her to see her friends that give her the pills? Are you going to tell her doctor who she gets prescriptions from that she is abusing? Are you willing to give up all the "good" friends that hand her pills when she asks? Do you realize that she will probably never be able to take any type of prescription narcotics ever again, even for pain because the chance for relapse is so great?
But even with all these questions, which I do not want an answer to, she stills owns all the answers .... not you.
Family support is wonderful and I agree with the counselor .... the more the better, but be very aware of where support ends and enabling begins because it's a very fine line between the two.
1000 Post Club
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Recoveryville, USA
Posts: 1,297
Hey SD,
I was NOT being sarcastic. I was being big time sincere. I am a recovering ALCOHOLIC-ADDICT,which means I am addicted to alcohlics and I am grateful I am not where i used to be, in denial and addicted/attached.
Hon, I am assuming you came here and posted cus you wanted to hear some truth about how we deal with alcoholism and what has worked. So far, it seems you DONT want to here peoples opinions on your situation as you seem very defensive, talk mostly about her and how she is getting sober, and very little about you and little desire to become aware to how you are so attached to her. That to me is a prime example of an alcoholic-addict.
So, yes I am grateful I am not there today.
Hope you keep coming back, have an open mind to hear, really hear what people are saying...listen and learn.
I was NOT being sarcastic. I was being big time sincere. I am a recovering ALCOHOLIC-ADDICT,which means I am addicted to alcohlics and I am grateful I am not where i used to be, in denial and addicted/attached.
Hon, I am assuming you came here and posted cus you wanted to hear some truth about how we deal with alcoholism and what has worked. So far, it seems you DONT want to here peoples opinions on your situation as you seem very defensive, talk mostly about her and how she is getting sober, and very little about you and little desire to become aware to how you are so attached to her. That to me is a prime example of an alcoholic-addict.
So, yes I am grateful I am not there today.
Hope you keep coming back, have an open mind to hear, really hear what people are saying...listen and learn.
1000 Post Club
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Recoveryville, USA
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LOL Aspouse! Thanks and I ditto you back. It is hard sometimes to "read" a post the way the author intended it to be, especially when one might feel thier back to the wall.
We are hear to speak our truth as it relates to each of us. I didnt like hearing the ugly true reality of my contribution to the alcoholics disease early on...heck, I still dont like it. The difference is today I must listen otehrwise Im bound to make the same mistakes over, and over, and over....and we call that insanity, no?
YES!
We are hear to speak our truth as it relates to each of us. I didnt like hearing the ugly true reality of my contribution to the alcoholics disease early on...heck, I still dont like it. The difference is today I must listen otehrwise Im bound to make the same mistakes over, and over, and over....and we call that insanity, no?
YES!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Pittsburgh, PA
Posts: 261
Sweepdaddy- Just wanted to say that your fiancee admitting her problem and even being at the rehab for help is a tremendous step..I wish my AH would get the help he needs instead of being in and out of denial and hiding his addictions....Keep us posted on her progress!!!! 
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: boca raton florida
Posts: 46
I agree with your statements. It isn't up to me. She has to want it. Aside from her, this is very hard for me, as it was I'm sure for all of you. God, it is only day three and I am very up or down. Why can't I just be baseline? I have a therapy session today at 1. I hope that I get some sense of peace through it and continued work on myself. Thanks again.
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Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Pittsburgh, PA
Posts: 261
sweepdaddy- You probably will feel the ups and downs..When my AH was "good" for going on 8 weeks, I was up and down the whole time..I was almost just waiting and waiting for him to "mess up"...(I was bracing myself) I wasn't able to have that feeling of peace..Last night, when I took a bath I just lit a candle and prayed for peace for myself and I also told God that I wish drugs and addictions didn't exist..I have a lot of trouble with feeling anxious around 6pm on throughout the evening because usually that is the time if my AH is going to mess up..He has trouble with his addictions when work is over but I never know when work is over with the line of work he is in...He was home around 9:30pm, but appeared to have been drinking..Take care! It's a really rough road but there are recovery stories and it is possible if they want it..
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Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: boca raton florida
Posts: 46
Dakota,
Funny you say that about the journal. I have been writing in it since the first day she left. It has helped me to vent a bit. DOes anyone know of a good resource for family members/loved ones of those in rehab? Maybe an inspirational quotes site? Anything? Need a little something to help keep me encouraged about my recovery.
Funny you say that about the journal. I have been writing in it since the first day she left. It has helped me to vent a bit. DOes anyone know of a good resource for family members/loved ones of those in rehab? Maybe an inspirational quotes site? Anything? Need a little something to help keep me encouraged about my recovery.
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 1,637
Hi SweepDaddy and welcome to SR...
Getting a daily reader from Al-anon has been one of the best recovery gifts I've given myself! Courage to Change is my favorite, though I know many like One Day at a Time. Here's a website that you can order them from.
Recovery from my addiction to my husband has been a huge rollercoaster ride. It took me MONTHS to really accept that I was addicted to him and his drinking. I couldn't see how much I was obessed with his behavior, and that addiction was robbing me of my life.
I'm very happy to see you write "my recovery!" I really think you're on to something good!
Please keep coming back!
Shannon
Maybe an inspirational quotes site? Anything? Need a little something to help keep me encouraged about my recovery.
Recovery from my addiction to my husband has been a huge rollercoaster ride. It took me MONTHS to really accept that I was addicted to him and his drinking. I couldn't see how much I was obessed with his behavior, and that addiction was robbing me of my life.
I'm very happy to see you write "my recovery!" I really think you're on to something good!
Please keep coming back!
Shannon
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: boca raton florida
Posts: 46
Just got back from the family session. It was with the therapists and just for the families of people in rehab. It was nice to get a feel for what they do there. We also spent about an hour just going back and forth with our issues, codependency, etc.. It was very nice to vent a bit. It was also comforting to meet others going through similar situations.
I then had about thirty minutes with my "A". It was very nice to spend time with her and see her in person. She is doing very well. I was happy to see that she is really working at this and wants it. Her therapists also noted to me, as she has consented disclosure, that she actually is attenhding all available sessions and is participating. I know that I should not care one way or another whether she works at it and focus just on myself, but it is comforting that she is taking the neccesary steps.
I will keep everyone posted on my success. With each new day, I have a another chance to better myself.
I then had about thirty minutes with my "A". It was very nice to spend time with her and see her in person. She is doing very well. I was happy to see that she is really working at this and wants it. Her therapists also noted to me, as she has consented disclosure, that she actually is attenhding all available sessions and is participating. I know that I should not care one way or another whether she works at it and focus just on myself, but it is comforting that she is taking the neccesary steps.
I will keep everyone posted on my success. With each new day, I have a another chance to better myself.
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
Of course you should care about whether she is working at it! Nobody here has said that at all. It's all a matter of degree - if you were to put all your energies into getting her well and she wasn't, then that would be unhealthy. You don't need a heart of stone, you need to practice detachment.
Glad to hear things are going well. What have you done for yourself today?
Glad to hear things are going well. What have you done for yourself today?
On a tear
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Volcano Country!
Posts: 3,221
Hi Sweep -
Wow, what a thread ya got here!
I usually post over in the Nar-anon forum, only because the current As in my life are my meth-addicted 18 year old daughter and my pot/alcohol addicted 20 year old son. But I am an alcoholic (dry for 20 years), married to an alcoholic (also dry for 20 years) and an Adult Child of Alcoholics (ACOA) and a grateful member of Alanon who is looking at joining an Overeaters Anonymous (OA) meeting as soon as I believe I have enough pain to be "willing". And I say all THAT to let you know that just because I don't post in this forum much, doesn't mean I haven't been around this crap for a long time.
I used alcohol similar to how you said your wife uses drugs - I was a binge drinker. So to most folks, I looked sober. On a day to day basis, I didn't drink. There was seldom booze on my breath (let's not talk about morning-after breath - yikes!), I didn't look or act drunk and I was able to hold a job and function in society. But.... isn't there always one? ... but, I drank every week, usually Friday and Saturday, though toward the end, often on Thursday and sometimes on Wednesday and Sunday, too! I always drank until the booze was gone, could not drink less than four drinks per hour, and cannot drink 3 drinks. My drinking was unpredictable (am I going out for 1? or 15? who knew? I didn't) and uncontrollable (like I said, no such thing as 3 drinks).
There are some at AA who would still call me a "heavy drinker" and not a "real alcholic". ********. I can't drink, and that's that. But I didn't use a recovery program to get sober, and as a result of that ... my behavior for the last 20 years has been "restless, irritable, and discontent", just like it says in the AA Big Book.
I found Alanon as a way to deal with my kid's addictions. My daughter went into her first rehab 18 months ago. She has since been kicked out of 2 rehabs, completed 3 28-day (or more) inpatient rehab programs, been in one recovery house (kicked out for using) and one Oxford House (kicked out for behavior issues). My son has completed a 28-day inpatient rehab and is currently living in an Oxford House (clean and sober shared living arrangement).
I found that I had SO MUCH hope at the beginning of each rehab. And I fell in love with my daughter all over again, each time, about a week into the rehab. Each time, she really, really wanted to be sober. But sobriety is hard, and she was young and I love her so much. Anyway, she would generally relapse about a week out of rehab, and I would usually figure it out about a month later.
I have been so UP and so DOWN that when folks talk about riding the roller-coaster, I can SO identify with that analogy.
One thing I can say about rehab - enjoy the time your loved one is there. This really is a sweet time and you should live in the moment. I think I wasted some of those days either being angry about the past or agonizing over the future, and not staying in the day I was actually living through!
At one of the rehabs, they told me to go to Alanon or Narnon. I would SWEAR they told me it would help keep my daughter sober, but I know now that is likely not what they said, but what I heard. I did go. And I attended sort of haphazzardly, even after my daughter relapsed.
But I had a crisis during one of my down times that was so severe I believe I was very close to suicide. At that time, I reached into my purse and pulled out the newcomer packet I had received at Alanon and called a number on that list. That person was so helpful and kind, I felt determined to really, really try to make Alanon work for me. I increased my number of meetings - in fact, for a short time I attended a meeting every night. Then I tapered off a bit, but I find now that I need about 3 meetings a week to stay "normal".
By going to meetings, I listen to others share, and sometimes I can hear someone who is RIGHT WHERE I AM TODAY and is handling their situation differently than I am. Or, I might go and hear someone share something that I felt or said myself early in my recovery. And I that helps me know that I am NOT where they are today because of my progress in MY recovery.
So.... all this is just a way for me to share with you that early recovery is hard - for everyone. But that things can get much better, especially if you can find some Alanon or Naranon meetings in your area. They saved my life. No exaggeration.
BigSis
Wow, what a thread ya got here!
I usually post over in the Nar-anon forum, only because the current As in my life are my meth-addicted 18 year old daughter and my pot/alcohol addicted 20 year old son. But I am an alcoholic (dry for 20 years), married to an alcoholic (also dry for 20 years) and an Adult Child of Alcoholics (ACOA) and a grateful member of Alanon who is looking at joining an Overeaters Anonymous (OA) meeting as soon as I believe I have enough pain to be "willing". And I say all THAT to let you know that just because I don't post in this forum much, doesn't mean I haven't been around this crap for a long time.
I used alcohol similar to how you said your wife uses drugs - I was a binge drinker. So to most folks, I looked sober. On a day to day basis, I didn't drink. There was seldom booze on my breath (let's not talk about morning-after breath - yikes!), I didn't look or act drunk and I was able to hold a job and function in society. But.... isn't there always one? ... but, I drank every week, usually Friday and Saturday, though toward the end, often on Thursday and sometimes on Wednesday and Sunday, too! I always drank until the booze was gone, could not drink less than four drinks per hour, and cannot drink 3 drinks. My drinking was unpredictable (am I going out for 1? or 15? who knew? I didn't) and uncontrollable (like I said, no such thing as 3 drinks).
There are some at AA who would still call me a "heavy drinker" and not a "real alcholic". ********. I can't drink, and that's that. But I didn't use a recovery program to get sober, and as a result of that ... my behavior for the last 20 years has been "restless, irritable, and discontent", just like it says in the AA Big Book.
I found Alanon as a way to deal with my kid's addictions. My daughter went into her first rehab 18 months ago. She has since been kicked out of 2 rehabs, completed 3 28-day (or more) inpatient rehab programs, been in one recovery house (kicked out for using) and one Oxford House (kicked out for behavior issues). My son has completed a 28-day inpatient rehab and is currently living in an Oxford House (clean and sober shared living arrangement).
I found that I had SO MUCH hope at the beginning of each rehab. And I fell in love with my daughter all over again, each time, about a week into the rehab. Each time, she really, really wanted to be sober. But sobriety is hard, and she was young and I love her so much. Anyway, she would generally relapse about a week out of rehab, and I would usually figure it out about a month later.
I have been so UP and so DOWN that when folks talk about riding the roller-coaster, I can SO identify with that analogy.
One thing I can say about rehab - enjoy the time your loved one is there. This really is a sweet time and you should live in the moment. I think I wasted some of those days either being angry about the past or agonizing over the future, and not staying in the day I was actually living through!
At one of the rehabs, they told me to go to Alanon or Narnon. I would SWEAR they told me it would help keep my daughter sober, but I know now that is likely not what they said, but what I heard.
I did go. And I attended sort of haphazzardly, even after my daughter relapsed. But I had a crisis during one of my down times that was so severe I believe I was very close to suicide. At that time, I reached into my purse and pulled out the newcomer packet I had received at Alanon and called a number on that list. That person was so helpful and kind, I felt determined to really, really try to make Alanon work for me. I increased my number of meetings - in fact, for a short time I attended a meeting every night. Then I tapered off a bit, but I find now that I need about 3 meetings a week to stay "normal".
By going to meetings, I listen to others share, and sometimes I can hear someone who is RIGHT WHERE I AM TODAY and is handling their situation differently than I am. Or, I might go and hear someone share something that I felt or said myself early in my recovery. And I that helps me know that I am NOT where they are today because of my progress in MY recovery.
So.... all this is just a way for me to share with you that early recovery is hard - for everyone. But that things can get much better, especially if you can find some Alanon or Naranon meetings in your area. They saved my life. No exaggeration.
BigSis
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: boca raton florida
Posts: 46
I am feeling good right now. I have been trying to take care of myself, reading up about my codependency issues, and staying busy. It is hard to fathom just how hard others' experiences have been compared to mine. I do not want to be sitting here, 5 years from now, wishing I had done something for myself now.
She called me about an hour ago and said that she is feeling ok, but that seeing me made her want to come home. I told her that is natural. She agreed and said that going in for treatment was the bext thing she has ever done. Of course she gets lonely; so do I! The best thing is that she is finally realizing just how much pain in her life is being caused by her addiction. I told her that yes, the pain is there, but each day she lives drug free and accomplishes goals, is more fuel for the next day. I was hesitant about the facility when I was with her when she checked in, but I can say now that most of my angst was my own feelings of being alone. I would have had these feelings no matter where she went. Here's to hope, recovery,staying clean and never compromising ourselves again.
She called me about an hour ago and said that she is feeling ok, but that seeing me made her want to come home. I told her that is natural. She agreed and said that going in for treatment was the bext thing she has ever done. Of course she gets lonely; so do I! The best thing is that she is finally realizing just how much pain in her life is being caused by her addiction. I told her that yes, the pain is there, but each day she lives drug free and accomplishes goals, is more fuel for the next day. I was hesitant about the facility when I was with her when she checked in, but I can say now that most of my angst was my own feelings of being alone. I would have had these feelings no matter where she went. Here's to hope, recovery,staying clean and never compromising ourselves again.
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Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: boca raton florida
Posts: 46
Not to mention that a hurricane is on its way! Looks like it will be here friday morining. She was tense about it, wondering how I would be. I told her not to worry, just a little storm and to stay put. We went through 4 of these storms last year!! All the Florida folks know what I mean!
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BigSis,
That post touches my heart. Oh, how I sometimes wish that I hadn't fallen in love with this person. I then remind myself that God doesn't allow us to deal with more than we can handle. I have grown in so many ways that I could not listthem here wothout severe finger pain. This experience is just that; one experience out of hundreds I will hopefully have through my years. Some good, some bad, but I will never stop learning until I die.
One thing we talked about today was issues of trust. I know that the trust in our relationship has been damaged, but I would lying if I didn't admit that I have brought my own insecurities into this relationship. It has been far too convenient to just say that I would not be this way had she never had her addiction, but I know that I have trust issues outside of the relationship. How convenient it is sometimes to have a addicted partner. I have made so many excuses for my own irrational behavior and justified it with her pills. Not taking care of myself has been the norm. Gym? Doctor? Spirituality? Forget it. Far to easy to excuse myself with her addiction. Need to be here to make sure she is ok. That is such BS! To be honest with myself, I have to seperate the two. Yes, she has a drug problem. But I also have trust issues. Neither negates the other or is a cause of the other. But I know myself. I know that whether it is her or someone else, I need to address my issues now. May we all realize the issues we have that we allow to manifest, due to a convenient excuse. God bless.
That post touches my heart. Oh, how I sometimes wish that I hadn't fallen in love with this person. I then remind myself that God doesn't allow us to deal with more than we can handle. I have grown in so many ways that I could not listthem here wothout severe finger pain. This experience is just that; one experience out of hundreds I will hopefully have through my years. Some good, some bad, but I will never stop learning until I die.
One thing we talked about today was issues of trust. I know that the trust in our relationship has been damaged, but I would lying if I didn't admit that I have brought my own insecurities into this relationship. It has been far too convenient to just say that I would not be this way had she never had her addiction, but I know that I have trust issues outside of the relationship. How convenient it is sometimes to have a addicted partner. I have made so many excuses for my own irrational behavior and justified it with her pills. Not taking care of myself has been the norm. Gym? Doctor? Spirituality? Forget it. Far to easy to excuse myself with her addiction. Need to be here to make sure she is ok. That is such BS! To be honest with myself, I have to seperate the two. Yes, she has a drug problem. But I also have trust issues. Neither negates the other or is a cause of the other. But I know myself. I know that whether it is her or someone else, I need to address my issues now. May we all realize the issues we have that we allow to manifest, due to a convenient excuse. God bless.
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Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Recoveryville, USA
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Originally Posted by Sweepdaddy
Just got back from the family session. It was with the therapists and just for the families of people in rehab. It was nice to get a feel for what they do there. We also spent about an hour just going back and forth with our issues, codependency, etc.. It was very nice to vent a bit. It was also comforting to meet others going through similar situations.
I then had about thirty minutes with my "A". It was very nice to spend time with her and see her in person. She is doing very well. I was happy to see that she is really working at this and wants it. Her therapists also noted to me, as she has consented disclosure, that she actually is attenhding all available sessions and is participating. I know that I should not care one way or another whether she works at it and focus just on myself, but it is comforting that she is taking the neccesary steps.
I will keep everyone posted on my success. With each new day, I have a another chance to better myself.
I then had about thirty minutes with my "A". It was very nice to spend time with her and see her in person. She is doing very well. I was happy to see that she is really working at this and wants it. Her therapists also noted to me, as she has consented disclosure, that she actually is attenhding all available sessions and is participating. I know that I should not care one way or another whether she works at it and focus just on myself, but it is comforting that she is taking the neccesary steps.
I will keep everyone posted on my success. With each new day, I have a another chance to better myself.
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Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: boca raton florida
Posts: 46
I feel good right now. I am reading "Love is a choice". I dont know if you have heard of it, but it adresses codependency directly and certainly puts the responsiblity on ME to deal with MY issues. I am a god believing man. I do believe that all things are possibl through him that created me. I am eager to take on what he has planned for me. What cannot kill me will make me stronger! Tomorrow, raquetball with my friend. It makes me happy that I am trying to take care of myself. Do I want her to succeed? Of course. It encourages me that she is doing what in neccesary. Will it stop me if she doesn't? NO. I am responsible for my own feelings and actins. It's time to focus on me for once. FriendofBill, thank you for your direct and uncompromising approach. I have coddled myself too long! It's time to get serious! Philippians 4:13-I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me !
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Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 407
Sweep -
You are damned if you do and damned it you don't - it probably feels that way!!!!!!
There is nothing wrong with taking her to the treatment center. You love her and want to be there for her. Most centers do have a no contact policy for a few days to a week. The reason for that is so they don't rely on the spouse or family member for their support during treatment. It is important for them to rely on themselves and other patients and counsellors. If it were me, I would ask her to limit the phone calls to one a day. Maybe in the evening - you can both share what happened during the day and say goodnight. That lets her know that you love her and care about her but keeps her from checking in all day long and using you as her support system. Ask her therapist about it and see what he/she thinks. The most important thing is that she needs to be the one responsible for her addiction. You can love her but you can't fix her. It sounds like you are taking positive steps to take of yourself. That is the most important thing that you can do. We want to help them and make it easier for them but in the long run that is the very thing that can help keep them addicted. She needs to feel the consequences of her own actions. It you are always there to catch her then how will she learn?
Hugs, Jo
You are damned if you do and damned it you don't - it probably feels that way!!!!!!
There is nothing wrong with taking her to the treatment center. You love her and want to be there for her. Most centers do have a no contact policy for a few days to a week. The reason for that is so they don't rely on the spouse or family member for their support during treatment. It is important for them to rely on themselves and other patients and counsellors. If it were me, I would ask her to limit the phone calls to one a day. Maybe in the evening - you can both share what happened during the day and say goodnight. That lets her know that you love her and care about her but keeps her from checking in all day long and using you as her support system. Ask her therapist about it and see what he/she thinks. The most important thing is that she needs to be the one responsible for her addiction. You can love her but you can't fix her. It sounds like you are taking positive steps to take of yourself. That is the most important thing that you can do. We want to help them and make it easier for them but in the long run that is the very thing that can help keep them addicted. She needs to feel the consequences of her own actions. It you are always there to catch her then how will she learn?
Hugs, Jo
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