Help
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Pottsville, PA
Posts: 7
Help
Hi I am new to this forum and I will try not to be too long in explaining my story. My husband has decided to stop drinking after drinking for 24 years (he is in treatment). We have been married for 17 of those years. I have always prayed for the day he would quit and am very proud of him. Since he has stopped drinking we spend more time together and our bond is stronger than ever but I can't help but feel a loss. I told him when he was drinking there we two of him, the drinking husband and the sober husband. The drinking husband was the affectionate one, loving one, the one I made love to. Now he is gone and I don't know what to do. I miss the one that made love to me, laid in bed with me holding me. The husband I have now is a great man and tells me he loves me all the time but doesn't show much affection towards me and he has no sex drive. I don't know how to deal with this. It is almost like a death and I don't know what to do. Has anybody ever gone through this before? What do you do and how do you deal with it? I feel bad because my husband is blaming himself for me feeling this way and doesn't know how to help me.
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: over yonder
Posts: 1,548
Welcome to SR Needhelp01....
Sorry you didn't get an answer sooner, that happens sometimes. Just keep posting as this helps get out our frustrations.
Please read the sticky's at the top, and as many posts as you can.
Is this the first alcoholic you have known?? Please find an Al-Anon meeting also, we need that along with this site.
I happen to believe that alcohol sorta gives the A more confidence about sex, and also lets them say loving things easier. Alcohol helps every one become a better dancer ya know, as we relax.
Try to relax, it takes time, 24 years is a long time, so will take time to adjust, but if he keeps drinking things will get really bad.
Again Welcome and keep coming back, also know we can take what we need and leave the rest. Everything is suggestions only. clancy46
Sorry you didn't get an answer sooner, that happens sometimes. Just keep posting as this helps get out our frustrations.
Please read the sticky's at the top, and as many posts as you can.
Is this the first alcoholic you have known?? Please find an Al-Anon meeting also, we need that along with this site.
I happen to believe that alcohol sorta gives the A more confidence about sex, and also lets them say loving things easier. Alcohol helps every one become a better dancer ya know, as we relax.
Try to relax, it takes time, 24 years is a long time, so will take time to adjust, but if he keeps drinking things will get really bad.
Again Welcome and keep coming back, also know we can take what we need and leave the rest. Everything is suggestions only. clancy46
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Anaheim,CA
Posts: 549
Don't feel alone.
Often when a new subject pops up, either EVERYONE has something to say or...those who have read it are thinking.
I'm in the "thinking" line...What you're saying is your man can only "perform" when drinking. Makes me go "hmmmmmmmmmm" My first thought was, how depressing for you. Not because he isn't interested right now but because the guy you were making love with was altered. But, the sober guy is a great guy and that itself can be priceless.
I suspect as folks log on (particularly after work) someone will say...'Oh yeah, I remember it being like that, THIS is how we handled it'.
Is your hub working an AA program? Are you in Al-anon? Both programs might help you understand and adapt. And, has your hub discussed this with a counselor or have the two of you considered couples counseling?
Welcome to our little corner of cyberspace!
Often when a new subject pops up, either EVERYONE has something to say or...those who have read it are thinking.
I'm in the "thinking" line...What you're saying is your man can only "perform" when drinking. Makes me go "hmmmmmmmmmm" My first thought was, how depressing for you. Not because he isn't interested right now but because the guy you were making love with was altered. But, the sober guy is a great guy and that itself can be priceless.
I suspect as folks log on (particularly after work) someone will say...'Oh yeah, I remember it being like that, THIS is how we handled it'.
Is your hub working an AA program? Are you in Al-anon? Both programs might help you understand and adapt. And, has your hub discussed this with a counselor or have the two of you considered couples counseling?
Welcome to our little corner of cyberspace!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Pottsville, PA
Posts: 7
Thanks for the replies and I will keep checking back to see if anyone has had this problem. When I married him he was an A and it progressed. So the man I married is no longer around, I sort of miss him. The H I have now is a great caring guy but no there for me in the bedroom. There are no Al-non in my area and I suggested couples counseling to my H and he said he would go but I thought I would try and work on this myself before we go there. I appreciate anybodies input. I just feel like I am in mourning and don't know how to go on, but I don't want my H to start drinking again.
*
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Lincolnshire, England
Posts: 464
Welcome Needhelp 
You don't say what kind of treatment your H is having but if he's on medication that can cause 'problems'. Also, how long has he been stopped drinking?
Maybe you need to get to know each other again?
There are supplements that are beneficial for men's health, maybe he could have a chat with his Dr or the pharmacist?
Keep posting and reading here, hopefully some-one will have more advice for you
Take care
You don't say what kind of treatment your H is having but if he's on medication that can cause 'problems'. Also, how long has he been stopped drinking?
Maybe you need to get to know each other again?
There are supplements that are beneficial for men's health, maybe he could have a chat with his Dr or the pharmacist?
Keep posting and reading here, hopefully some-one will have more advice for you
Take care
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Pottsville, PA
Posts: 7
He is in an out patient therapy group and will be going to AA soon (he better). He is not on any medication nor has he ever been a drug user, just drinking. They diagnosed him as a problem drinker on the way to be coming an A. I have been thinking that we do need to reinvent our marriage but don't know how to do that. We have a long weekend camping trip planned for this weekend. How do you start over again? How do you make things new again? Any suggestions? I love this man so much and don't want to lose him. I have told him I am proud of what he has done for himself but he says he doesn't feel that I am proud of him. I have stopped drilling him when he comes home from work and greet him with open arms instead of my loud mouth. He says he feels different now that he has stopped drinking and that he couldn't explain what he meant by that. He said it wasn't a bad or a good different just different. His outpatient therapy doesn't address these kinds of things.
Originally Posted by susane1408
Welcome Needhelp
You don't say what kind of treatment your H is having but if he's on medication that can cause 'problems'. Also, how long has he been stopped drinking?
Maybe you need to get to know each other again?
There are supplements that are beneficial for men's health, maybe he could have a chat with his Dr or the pharmacist?
Keep posting and reading here, hopefully some-one will have more advice for you
Take care
You don't say what kind of treatment your H is having but if he's on medication that can cause 'problems'. Also, how long has he been stopped drinking?
Maybe you need to get to know each other again?
There are supplements that are beneficial for men's health, maybe he could have a chat with his Dr or the pharmacist?
Keep posting and reading here, hopefully some-one will have more advice for you
Take care
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: DooDooville, USA
Posts: 453
Hi NeedHelp,
Welcome to SR!! It's a great place to be with alot of information and alot of great people on it that can support you. Keep posting!
I'm not quite understanding the whole situation here. Maybe you can help me out. Are you missing the active AH? That's the one you love instead of the sober one?
Because he's more affectionate in bed when drinking then when he isn't. Right? The reason it's hard for me to understand is because when I drank, I wasn't really me, the true me, ...in bed. I was much more affectionate and even said things to my boyfriends back then that I realized the next morning I really didn't mean. It was a false me. In fact, for a long time.....the only way I could have sex was if I was high. I couldn't do it sober. That was sad for me.
I know where that comes from now. I had bad sexual experiences with my abusive X H and he'd physically force me to do things sexually that I didn't wanna do and hated........ because if I didn't, I'd get beat up. I actually hated men and was sickened by their sex needs after that for a long time.
That may not be the same case for your AH. Maybe he's feeling badly about what he had did as an active A. Or maybe there's something that's bothering him and he's just not sharing that with you, yet. It sounds like he's newly sober and there are alot of changes that a person goes through when they get sober.....physically and mentally. I think with marraige counseling when you both are ready for it.....that would help.
Men tend to have a hard time expressing their affection. They do it through the physical and we women (atleast, I do) love to communicate. I'd rather have a great conversation with my partner. That to me is really sensual.
My xabf had the opposite problem. When he was drinking, which was all the time, he couldn't perform. So, our intimacy was more emotional than physical.
The reason why your AH may feel like you're not proud of him is because of your wanting him to be that lover he was when he was drunk.
That's not fair for him. He's trying hard to get sober, where he should be and GOOD FOR HIM!! That's a big change. But, to hear or feel that you're wanting the active AH back for different reasons, isn't gonna support him like he needs in his recovery process.
AA, Al-anon, reading books such as Melody Beattie's "Codependancy No More" or her book "Choices", gives great insight to all of the aspects of codependancy and alcoholism. And, my address the change in sexual patterns, as well.
Try them out and I find that the more I educate myself on things, the better I feel.
Good luck!
((hugs))
Welcome to SR!! It's a great place to be with alot of information and alot of great people on it that can support you. Keep posting!
I'm not quite understanding the whole situation here. Maybe you can help me out. Are you missing the active AH? That's the one you love instead of the sober one?
Because he's more affectionate in bed when drinking then when he isn't. Right? The reason it's hard for me to understand is because when I drank, I wasn't really me, the true me, ...in bed. I was much more affectionate and even said things to my boyfriends back then that I realized the next morning I really didn't mean. It was a false me. In fact, for a long time.....the only way I could have sex was if I was high. I couldn't do it sober. That was sad for me.
I know where that comes from now. I had bad sexual experiences with my abusive X H and he'd physically force me to do things sexually that I didn't wanna do and hated........ because if I didn't, I'd get beat up. I actually hated men and was sickened by their sex needs after that for a long time.
That may not be the same case for your AH. Maybe he's feeling badly about what he had did as an active A. Or maybe there's something that's bothering him and he's just not sharing that with you, yet. It sounds like he's newly sober and there are alot of changes that a person goes through when they get sober.....physically and mentally. I think with marraige counseling when you both are ready for it.....that would help.
Men tend to have a hard time expressing their affection. They do it through the physical and we women (atleast, I do) love to communicate. I'd rather have a great conversation with my partner. That to me is really sensual.
My xabf had the opposite problem. When he was drinking, which was all the time, he couldn't perform. So, our intimacy was more emotional than physical.
The reason why your AH may feel like you're not proud of him is because of your wanting him to be that lover he was when he was drunk.
That's not fair for him. He's trying hard to get sober, where he should be and GOOD FOR HIM!! That's a big change. But, to hear or feel that you're wanting the active AH back for different reasons, isn't gonna support him like he needs in his recovery process.
AA, Al-anon, reading books such as Melody Beattie's "Codependancy No More" or her book "Choices", gives great insight to all of the aspects of codependancy and alcoholism. And, my address the change in sexual patterns, as well.
Try them out and I find that the more I educate myself on things, the better I feel.
Good luck!
((hugs))
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Pottsville, PA
Posts: 7
Wow, girlfriend, thanks for the advice, I never thought about it that way. Your advice was greatly appreciated and the fact that you have been through the same thing my AH is going through helps me see things from his aspect and I will take into consideration everything you said. I will do some research of those books you mentioned. The closest Al-non from where I live is a good 1 1/2 - 2 hours away so that is why I am reaching out to this forum and I am so happy I found it.
He is a newby non drinker and I expected changes, but my expectation were only for the good and thought when he quit drinking everything would be GREAT and PERFECT. I guess it took him 24 years to realize he had a problem and it isn't going to be fixed overnight.
He is a newby non drinker and I expected changes, but my expectation were only for the good and thought when he quit drinking everything would be GREAT and PERFECT. I guess it took him 24 years to realize he had a problem and it isn't going to be fixed overnight.
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 1,637
I guess it took him 24 years to realize he had a problem and it isn't going to be fixed overnight.
I'm glad you're here! There are some Al-anon meetings on-line that you could get involved in. www.keytoharmony.org is a wonderful group if you're interested.
Please keep coming back!
Shannon
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Pottsville, PA
Posts: 7
I will be coming back often, thanks for all your help and support. I hope walking through this experience, I will be able to help others going through the same thing. I had no idea that so many people are experiencing the same thing and I don't feel alone anymore.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: nowheresville
Posts: 872
If your husband drank for 24 years then he's going to go through some major changes in himself. He has to adjust to being dsober. Don't take it personall ynot about you at all, you may find some good support for yourslef at Alanon. You will be both be undergoing major changes.
Good Luck.
Ngaire
Good Luck.
Ngaire
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Ohio
Posts: 2,579
My A/H and I are separated and don't have a sex life now........haven't for awhile because my problem is the opposite. Alcohol took away our sex life...the desire and the ability (or passed out); to say nothing for the emotions..........he was totally "disconnected" when drinking (every night) and/or resentful. I am sure I had my own issues,too (ie that smell..yuck!)
Sorry; I can't offer any advise but maybe a little patience? good luck
Sorry; I can't offer any advise but maybe a little patience? good luck
Cruelty-Free
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Body: South Florida Heart: Yosemite National Park
Posts: 914
Things will most likely improve, needhelp, but it's going to take time. He will need to focus on his recovery and, if he's to maintain sobriety, it will need to be his top priority.
There may be some unexpected curves in this new road, but it'll be a much better road to travel than the one you'd be on if he continued to progress in his alcoholism.
Slow down. Take some time to discover who you both are now that the chemicals are no longer the third player in your relationship.
In Al-Anon, we speak of the 3 A's: Awareness, Acceptance, and Action. You're certainly aware that there's been a change, and you're looking for the action that will "fix" it. The place in the middle, the acceptance, is important and should not be rushed through. I've heard it said that the pain is not in the acceptance, but rather in my resistance to the acceptance.
This is from the Suggested Al-Anon Opening, read at most (if not all) meetings:
"Our thinking becomes distorted by trying to force solutions, and we become irritable and unreasonable without knowing it."
I wish you peace and serenity as you enter this new phase of your journey together...
There may be some unexpected curves in this new road, but it'll be a much better road to travel than the one you'd be on if he continued to progress in his alcoholism.
Slow down. Take some time to discover who you both are now that the chemicals are no longer the third player in your relationship.
In Al-Anon, we speak of the 3 A's: Awareness, Acceptance, and Action. You're certainly aware that there's been a change, and you're looking for the action that will "fix" it. The place in the middle, the acceptance, is important and should not be rushed through. I've heard it said that the pain is not in the acceptance, but rather in my resistance to the acceptance.
This is from the Suggested Al-Anon Opening, read at most (if not all) meetings:
"Our thinking becomes distorted by trying to force solutions, and we become irritable and unreasonable without knowing it."
I wish you peace and serenity as you enter this new phase of your journey together...
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Parker, CO
Posts: 495
I think you both need to give yourself some time to adjust to this "new" person in your life. You are used to the drinking and the alcoholic, but not so much to the sober person. I think time is the best medicine. Meanwhile, go to Alanon and see a counselor if you need to. I have sought counseling and foudn it really helpful to me.
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: over yonder
Posts: 1,548
Dakota...
I am not good at this ,but there is a Big Book search engine. Hope I get it right.
http://www.healingresource.org/book.cgi?display_welcome
Shucks didn't show up in color so one can click on it. Well for what is is worth here it is. I went on AA site and someone gave me the info. So if I don't have it right, go ask on AA site. clancy46
I am not good at this ,but there is a Big Book search engine. Hope I get it right.
http://www.healingresource.org/book.cgi?display_welcome
Shucks didn't show up in color so one can click on it. Well for what is is worth here it is. I went on AA site and someone gave me the info. So if I don't have it right, go ask on AA site. clancy46
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: over yonder
Posts: 1,548
I should have given you the AA Big Book on line also.
It is http://www.recovery.org/aa/bigbook/ww/index.html
Hope I got it right.
It is http://www.recovery.org/aa/bigbook/ww/index.html
Hope I got it right.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: Brisbane, Queensland
Posts: 20
Hi Needhelp ... someone redirected me to your post because I had posted a very similar question today. I cut and paste the advice that someone (I think it was Girlfriend) gave. I really, really love when she says
"The reason why your AH may feel like you're not proud of him is because of your wanting him to be that lover he was when he was drunk."
That was probably the best thing I've read that made any sense. I realise that is also true not just in the bedroom but with everything. But I'm going to hang in there with the change because I want to see him happy, not miserable which I know he definitely was. I must admit I've sabotaged a few of his efforts previously, even at times without realising it, and always denying it. But it is extremely hard to make all these changes and believe me I understand that you "miss him". But as I said previously I'm going hang in there, hope that one day soon he'll 'want' me intimately again, but in the meantime really support him for who he is now, not just the person I loved before (ie when he was drunk). I'd rather have him sober as a friend, then drunk as a lover and i really mean that. It's definitely not always easy but I'm convinced it's got to be easier on me, then on him.
Hang in there too, and I really hope that things change between you guys as he begins to discover gorgeous you - sober!!
"The reason why your AH may feel like you're not proud of him is because of your wanting him to be that lover he was when he was drunk."
That was probably the best thing I've read that made any sense. I realise that is also true not just in the bedroom but with everything. But I'm going to hang in there with the change because I want to see him happy, not miserable which I know he definitely was. I must admit I've sabotaged a few of his efforts previously, even at times without realising it, and always denying it. But it is extremely hard to make all these changes and believe me I understand that you "miss him". But as I said previously I'm going hang in there, hope that one day soon he'll 'want' me intimately again, but in the meantime really support him for who he is now, not just the person I loved before (ie when he was drunk). I'd rather have him sober as a friend, then drunk as a lover and i really mean that. It's definitely not always easy but I'm convinced it's got to be easier on me, then on him.
Hang in there too, and I really hope that things change between you guys as he begins to discover gorgeous you - sober!!
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