I am so angry, I'm about to bust

Old 08-19-2005, 09:08 PM
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I am so angry, I'm about to bust

Well,.......yeah, I shoulda known and I think I did. I just was praying SO much that xabf was truly getting the help he needed.

He calls me tonite and I don't recognize the number. I pick it up. It's him and I'm asking him "what are you doing calling me? You're not supposed to have contact with anybody for atleast two weeks on the farm". (to back up.....he went to the rehab farm for a year to get sober on Wed. night and called and left a message that he got there and that we could "now go on with our lives. Love you" I was SO at peace with that and grateful).

He tells me this story that he had called Wed. am to the farm to tell them that he was coming and the counselors told him to go ahead and come, they were waiting for him. He drives all the way out there and when he gets there, they tell them they gave away his bed to someone else. I work for the organization that owns the farm. I know that if someone is coming in, they come in when a bed is available for them and that's always on a Monday. Xabf put it off and because of that......he lost his place at the farm. (he didn't admit that, but that's what happened). Another manipulation.

He then tells me that he's been staying with his sister and her husband since coming back here Wed. night. This is the same sister and brother-in-law that said that if xabf got kicked out of rehab (which he did at the 30 day rehab), that they'd "walk away from him and not have anything else to do" with him. That they were having "marital problems" and it was over xabf's drinking.

Not only are they having something to do with him, they're letting him stay at their HOUSE!

Why don't they get out a shovel and help him dig himself a grave, too? OH....this makes me so mad! I know, I know......I shouldn't give in to that. That's his and their problem. But, it busts my behind that they jumped ALL over me for taking him back over and over again in the past and then they do it without a blink of an eye.

I finally walked away from xabf, the guy I loved with all of my heart and tried to show him how to get sober like I did. I realized I was enabling him. Hard as it was, I finally did. I haven't called him, contacted him, seen him......I walked away and it was hard as heck, but I wasn't gonna help him stay a drunk by me taking care of him. I've listened to his messages, but that's it. I know that was wrong, too, but I stayed firm on my commitment of not helping him anymore and started taking care of me.

I want to SO badly tell his sister/brother-in-law off!! For giving me so much hell for taking him back months ago before I finally stopped. But, instead.........I'm writing this here, so that I don't give them one more minute of my time thinking about what hypocrites they are.

I'm gonna let it go here on this board by venting and then PRAY REALLY HARD for God to keep me on the path that I've been on this last month or two ...doing better than I thought I would.

(deep breath).....okay, done! Thanks for letting me vent.
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Old 08-19-2005, 09:25 PM
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Girlfriend feel your anger its empowering. then let it go. apparently they do not understand the meaning of enabeling, cuz that's what they are doin for him. By taking him in they are saying that it is ok to put off going in and getting help. I hope for your sake that he doesn't call you and continue the lies, its good to know that you are staying strong on your path. keep your head up and keep moving forward. my heart is with you.
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Old 08-20-2005, 02:14 AM
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Angry? Or scared?

Hon, why do you know all of this stuff? Just because he calls doesn't mean that you have to continue the conversation. This is keeping you hooked in, keeping an emotional connection alive.

He will do what he does and his family will do what they do. The only thing that matters, though, is what YOU do. How are you going to achieve any kind of serenity with all this drama going on?
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Old 08-20-2005, 05:32 AM
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I agree with Minnie. When I participate in communication with a crazy person, I, too, become crazy. Prevention is my best form of staying sane. I dont attach myself to expectations too much anymore, other than expecting it all to be the same.So, its no surprise he did what he did, he is severly spiritually ill.
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Old 08-20-2005, 09:38 AM
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Girlfriend,

Sorry, how to say this kindly:

If you are ready to end your relationship with him:

Change your phone number and e-mail address A.S.A.P. when you hear his voice HANG-UP right away.

You are holding on, still hoping he'll change.

You are playing a game with yourself, we won't bother going into what game he is playing.

I have to remember when I am in codie behaviour it's ALL about ME, I want to control, change, manipulate,fix another person or situation so that I
feel better, or to get something for MYSELF.

Ngaire
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Old 08-20-2005, 10:08 AM
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What his family does isn't any of your business. They're sick too. You need to totally focus on yourself...and change your phone number.
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Old 08-20-2005, 10:35 AM
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Thanks guys, once again.

Gianna, I know what you're saying and you're so right on with it. I believe he was told to be there on Monday, too, and just made it seem to his family that it was okay for him to show up on Wed. night. He mave HAVE drove out there just to make it "look good", like he tried, but it wasn't HIS fault, they just wouldn't let him in. (his thinking and rationalization).

When I first heard that,........yeah, I was livid!! And, yeah, Minnie.....scared. I SO prayed that he would take this 2nd chance on life and go for it. Now,....he may say "well, I'm on the top of the list for when a bed comes available. I'll just call on Monday again", but who's to say when another bed will become available? How long is that gonna take and since he gave up his apartment, he'll be staying with lil sis who enables him like all get out.

His probation officer is NOT gonna buy his crap. Sooner or later, he will go to jail and that may be what it's gonna take to show him that he cannot manipulate they system and everyone around him. The problem with jail is.....he won't get much rehab in there and may come out worse after 9 months than he is now. County jails aren't pretty. THey have real street knowledge people in there and they all can get drugs if and when they want them.

No,......I can't go through another up and down, flip flop week full of messages from him pre-jail. This last week for me, while believing he was at the farm, was SO good for ME. I got to do the things that I did before I met him, got back into my exercise routines, went out and got a make over, starting doing the things I love again and it is SO NICE! I'm losing weight! I liked it. I don't wanna go back to living only for xabf and having him pull me up and down. I'm not getting into that at all. I don't want it back.

If he calls, since I know he's "out in the world" now, I'll make a goal to delete them. More than anything, I'm just so upset that he didn't go for his one chance at a good life change. ANd, it shows me that he doesn't want it that badly. That sucks. For him, his girls......it just sucks.
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Old 08-20-2005, 11:13 AM
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(((sweetie)))

I'm still hearing all about him.
This last week for me, while believing he was at the farm, was SO good for ME. I got to do the things that I did before I met him
He's your ex! Why did it take for you to believe he was at the farm for you to begin to do things for yourself?

Hon, I'm not beating you up here - I just pick out the things that shout at me, probably because they hit home in my own life. We have to move on and sever that connection.

Well done on the exercise - it makes a real difference to how we feel about ourselves. I have been going out on my bike and whilst it takes me all my time to get motivated to do it, once I do it's brilliant.

Take it from one who has been there and still gets messages - delete them as soon as you know they're from him and end the call as soon as you know it's him. Until he gets recovery and has been working at it for a while, those calls will be all about him and are almost certain to be manipulative. The games will continue as long as you are willing to play.

So, what have you got planned for the weekend?
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Old 08-20-2005, 11:33 AM
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I'm still learning, what can I say? I've come a long ways (thanks to alot of your help), but yeah......when he calls and tells me something like that..it still gets to me.

Someday, it won't.


This weekend, Minnie? Going out with friends to a concert and just having fun and continuing with my new routine. It's his birthday today, so I'm gonna keep busy and put it aside.
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Old 08-20-2005, 11:36 AM
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Honey, we're all still learning. Blimey, I'm only at the beginning of my journey. I am simply sharing some of the things I have learnt. Of course it upsets you when he tells you stuff, that's why I advocate not putting yourself in that position. Call it a kick up the bum, but only because I know you like that word.

Have a lovely time at the concert.
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Old 08-20-2005, 12:58 PM
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(((GF)))

I can so relate. It's hard to let go, it seems one phone call from them can cause you to become part of the insanity. Sometimes we don't even realize how we get hooked back in so very easily.

I'm right there with you...You're not alone...We WILL get through this and one day move on!!

Hugs,
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Old 08-20-2005, 01:33 PM
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Now,....he's calling up drunk. It's his birthday and he's out there driving around drunk.

Dear Lord, I hope so, Savana! I'm not talking to him, I'm not calling him back....I'm going to the concert with my friends and if he gets thrown in jail today....that's on him. I have no control over that.

Sad
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Old 08-20-2005, 05:43 PM
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Girlfriend,

Please change your phone number. This is ridiculous.

Ngaire
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Old 08-20-2005, 07:36 PM
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Originally Posted by ngaire
Girlfriend,

Please change your phone number. This is ridiculous.

Ngaire

Maybe to you it's ridiculous. I've already changed my cell phone and had to contact all of my friends and family and business people about that. I'm not changing my landline, too.

I don't call him. Many people on here have not changed their phone numbers because of their business and still, from time to time, hear from their ex A.

I'm no different. One day I'll stop listening to his messages, but in the meantime, I'm not changing ALL of my business contacts because of him.


Had a great time at the concert, Minnie and Gianna!
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Old 08-21-2005, 06:24 AM
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Girlfriend,

If you want to continue on being completely wrapped up and embroiled in him that's your choice.

Then don't complain about him calling and the messages he leaves.

Ngaire
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Old 08-21-2005, 09:23 AM
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It's called "venting" Ngaire. Have you ever done that? I think you're being a little insensitive.

If it frustrates you to read my posts, you always have the choice not to read them.

Please don't tell me what I should feel and what I shouldn't. It's different for each and everyone of us.

You may be at a point in your life to where you are strong enough not to listen to your A in your life anymore and Great for you.

I'm not there, yet.

You may mean well and thank you for that, but I take it being a little too harsh and not helpful.
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Old 08-21-2005, 09:43 AM
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It's reality Girlfriend dealing with active A's is a dead end. It frustrates me to see someone such as yourself still being buffeted about by thier nonsense when you don't have to be.

Todays Alanon readings were about Live and Let Live and you are right I don't have to read your posts.

Ngaire
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