Hangin' In

Well, the daughter just left going to a rehearsal dinner/party for her best friend who is getting married tomorrow. We had discussed how they (the wedding party and friends) would be partying tonight and tomorrow after the wedding and I THOUGHT we had agreed that this would not be a good situation for my daughter. She was indicating to me that she would tell her friend, who knows she has an alcohol problem, that she just could not stay for the 'party' part.

Now this afternoon my daughter hits me with the news that she wants to spend the night with the girls. Great, just great. She KNOWS the potential for drinking is going to be great. She said, in her unrational and very immature way, "Well, someone's got to be the sober one." Yeah, right. YOU have the alcohol problem and YOU think YOU are going to be the sober one?

Guess you can tell I am very frustrated. I tried to talk calmly, reasonably and sincerely to her before she left. She didn't want to hear it. All she said was I needed to quit telling her what to do and let her go; that I need to learn to let her go.

She is walking into a fire as I'm typing this. I don't know how I'm NOT supposed to be worried about this. I asked her was her sobriety worth one party tonight. Of course she said no, but I swear, she does NOT possess rational thinking most of the time.

So please help, all you experts at working this Al Anon program. Tonight is a night I will be home by myself, just waiting and waiting and waiting. I know my daughter is walking right into temptations way. How am I supposed to sit here and be calm tonight?

Thanks for listening......

spindell

Hi hangin in,

Ive just read your post, u must be feeling pretty, harassed right now,i just wanted u to no that im rooting for u, over here in england, i hope the nights not to long for u.

I no with my A how unrational they can be, and set in there minds what tey want to do, Nothing can take tem of the course they want to take, it left tous to go through the hurt and worry.

I no it 's usless me saying , try not to worry to much, coz,i know u will, but ur not alone
))))))))))))))))))))))hangin((((((((((((((((((((

love spin

Stephanie

Hi Hangin'in

The expert Anons will be along shortly I'm sure. I'de like to give you my perspective as an addict and a beginning Anon. Y ou said that Your daughter doesn't posses rational thinking most of the time.......well most alcoholics and addicts didn't posses rational thinking most of the time especially in early recovery.

I got to be an addict by not always doing the right thing and that didn't really change when I got sober. It took a long time to learn it. For some people not going into a dangerous situation is a no brainer. This is stuff addicts have to learn, just like their ABC's.

I can't tell you how many sticky situations I got myself into when I first got sober. Sice I really wanted to be sober, I either left or had such a bad time that I never did it again. The bottom line is drugs and alcohol are everywhere, if your daughter wants to use then she will, if she wants to stay sober then she will. You worrying yourself to death tonight will not change that picture.

It is best for a newly sober alcoholic not to get into situations where we will feel uncomfortable but I only learned that by doing it. Does she have a sponsor because she may listen to a sponsor about something like this a lot sooner than she will you.

Is there something you can do tonight to occupy yourself, because I know how it is to stay home alone and worry and I know it is awful. Maybe you can go to an Alanon meeting or a movie. It will bo OK no matter what happens because it's gods plan and we're not suppose to question it.

osier59

Hi!
This will sound alien to you, but tonight is a great night for you to do something nice and special for yourself. Rent a movie, read a book, take a bubble bath, go out with a friend. Do something, ANYTHING, to keep from thinking about or worrying about your daughter.

Her sobriety, success and failure is her deal. You will show your love and support best by taking care of yourself and working on your own recovery. I'm a mom, and I know how difficult this is for you, but you have to let her go, and let her Higher Power be with her tonight. If she succeeds, then you rejoice with her that she was able to remain sober in a bad situation. IF she stumbles, then you gently love her through her consequences of her own choices and her own behavior. She'll learn soon enough which situations are toxic for her.

The others will be here shortly to share some of their experiences, strength and hope as well

HUGS
Osier59

MissAliceB

I don't have much to say, but wanted you to know that I will say a prayer for your daughter and you.

I, too, know what it is like to worry all night long about were an A is, crying, screaming anything to get through a tough nite of worry and pain. A proactive (sometimes I hate that word) approach always helps. Take care of yourself tonight.

Hangin' In

You guys/gals are the best! Thanks for your encouraging words. You have no idea how you've helped me tonight.

So I did go get me a famous grilled chicken salad and smothered it with my favorite dressing. Also went and rented a movie. I rented something I wanted to see, but also something my daughter would like to see. I'm hoping she'll come home and we can watch it together.

So what else shall I do to occupy my time? My choices are go clean up the bathroom or..........

Wait...I think I hear the Oreos calling me from the kitchen!!!

Again, thanks for caring and writing back. Love ya'll.....hugs.

bikerprincess

God I am sitting here thinking about how many times I was you.LET GO AND LET GOD. have A great night thinking about your self and nothing else. Live a little sister, Really when was the last time you sucessfully fixed someone else.????? I mean that in a positive way. HP is really looking at everything in such a bigger pic than we can imagine. Let it Be.

Hugs,
Anne

PS in the meantime I shot a prayer up for your Daughter.


Hey by the way MOMS, great book:


The Power of a praying parent BY Stormie Omartian

Cajun girl

OK, do you eat the double stuffed or regular, or mint creams? Oh and its the holidays, don't they come out with the white chocolate dipped ones? Oreos sound wonderful..... Eat one for me and pray, and let go.....

Hangin' In

Good news, folks!!! My daughter made a GREAT choice last night and came home. She used her bad cold as an excuse to come home and not party with the girlfriends, but who cares what excuse she used??? SHE DID IT! I told her how proud I was of her. I know it was awfully hard when all the kids her age were going to celebrate her friend's wedding (which took place today).

I bragged, bragged and bragged some more on her when she came in last night. She really does want her sobriety and last night she made a good choice.

Now I pray that the next 24 hours will be as good. She has chosen to go to an AA function tonight, so I'm feeling really good. She didn't stick around the friends reception for long tonight, but there was really no danger there....just punch and cake. THANK YOU, LORD, for those small favors!!!

So thank all of you who offered support last night. I'm sure it won't be the last time I call on ya'll. But I do want you to know that each encouraging word is appreciated!

Ann

Now follow this...you have been worrying, eating everything in sight, scared and afraid, and probably have chewed your nails up to your elbows, right?

You are probably almost sick, and....she is fine.

The thing is, she will be fine or not be fine, regardless of how much you worry or make yourself sick. It does nothing to change the outcome of the situation....it just makes you sick.

I know all this, not because I am wise, but because I have been there and I know that scared, knot-in-the-stomach, shaky headachie feeling.

So that is why Osier suggested what she did, and why we work a program. We really need to look after US. Tonight, you were sicker than she is. She is working her program. Are you working yours?

This codependency will indeed make us very very sick. It's no joke and we need help.

So we do wonderful things for ourselves - we go to meetings, we work the steps, we learn to have fun again, we learn to laugh again, and we learn to live again. But we learn all this by putting the focus on us and learning to "Let Go" of them

I hope I don't sound harsh - I say this with love in my heart, and I am truly happy that your daughter is okay and made a good choice tonight. Sounds like she's working her program just fine.

Morning Glory

Hangin' In,

I'm sorry I wasn't here for support when you needed it. I am still catching up on posts.

I'm glad everything went ok. I hope it continues to to get better.

Hug,
MG

devastated

Hello:

I just read your thread about your daughter going to the party. I know exactly how you feel full of worry and bad thoughts. I haven't been here long enough to offer any advice and, in fact, am in much the same situation as you are. Only my son will be 40 tomorow. He wouldn't listen as a child he wouldn't listen as a teen and he wouldn't and won't listen now as an adult. His problem is drugs and lately he's been drinking a lot. All I can say is I'll pray for you and your daughter and hope the pain lessens for you as time goes on. Be strong, keep good thoughts..Hugs and more hugs, Devastated

ekp

hangin in,
i'm sorry i wasn't able to offer support. i have to catch up on posts. i'm happy that everything went well. i will keep you in my prayers.
ekp