Phone call with my "A"
My Cape Is at The Cleaners
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Metropolis
Posts: 1,117
Phone call with my "A"
The call went through to my wife last night.
The person who picked up the phone seems disorientated and mixed up.
The speech pattern seems a bit off and slurred. I first thought well, she has been drinking, but then I remembered going to many open AA meetings and listening to their speech.
Even dry, their word was now damaged. So with that thought my heart sunk with all the thoughts of what I was hearing.
After our hellos we spoke of the cat who passed and our mutual love for her. This we could agree on.
I then told her that with everything that I had to talk about I would rather speak in person and not on the phone.
I told her that after a year the business side of our marriage must be dealt with on way or another and that a possible bankruptcy was in at least my future.
She told me that she could not meet with me.
Of course I asked why and she proceeded to tell me how mad she still was, she proceeded to take my total inventory.
She felt let down in so many ways and that I was both obsessive and mean at times. I mean the list went on and of course I understood a lot of which she spoke of, but other things were just plain wrong.
I kept telling her that I understood that I agreed with certain items.
This went on for about a half-hour.
I let her get it all out.
I took all the hits and began to cry at the list of how I let this woman down.
How she felt I was the one, how she was hurt like never before, her perception of thing no matter right or wrong tore a hole within me.
To hear how she viewed our marriage, to hear her pain and what she felt and me was devastating.
I told her how deeply sorry I was for the way she felt, and that she should know how I feel about her.
Then she said no, she said she really did not know how I felt about her and wanted to know right now my feelings.
I caught my breath and told her that I do have to say I’m sorry for the action or things that I have done wrong. That certain items I must agree with and make amends for and we discussed them.
I then told her that I do and always have loved her.
We talked of our family and she asked about my MOM.
I told her that she entered AA.
She said ok, so your saving the world now are you?
Why did you not save me?
God I wish I was struck dead on the spot.
I told her that it was not too late for her to make a move for help. She said all us AA or NA people sound the same, like a cult.
So I’m thinking that there has been others who have talked to her.
She said she has not drank for months.
That she did not need help.
She said she could not speak any more to me.
It was too painful.
That she could not even talk about ending our marriage.
I told her to call any time and that I do care very much for about her.
We said goodbye.
The woman I spoke to was not my wife, as I knew her.
I really do not know whom I spoke to. The sound of her voice and mental patterns were all-wrong.
She felt that I never helped her.
That with the party life and work we had that I made her turn into this.
It was hard to hear to say the least.
To hear that one person feels that you crushed her life and dreams is hard to take.
It was hard to believe the pain in her voice.
I have no expectations only sadness right now.
May God have mercy on her and may God forgive me for my part.
The person who picked up the phone seems disorientated and mixed up.
The speech pattern seems a bit off and slurred. I first thought well, she has been drinking, but then I remembered going to many open AA meetings and listening to their speech.
Even dry, their word was now damaged. So with that thought my heart sunk with all the thoughts of what I was hearing.
After our hellos we spoke of the cat who passed and our mutual love for her. This we could agree on.
I then told her that with everything that I had to talk about I would rather speak in person and not on the phone.
I told her that after a year the business side of our marriage must be dealt with on way or another and that a possible bankruptcy was in at least my future.
She told me that she could not meet with me.
Of course I asked why and she proceeded to tell me how mad she still was, she proceeded to take my total inventory.
She felt let down in so many ways and that I was both obsessive and mean at times. I mean the list went on and of course I understood a lot of which she spoke of, but other things were just plain wrong.
I kept telling her that I understood that I agreed with certain items.
This went on for about a half-hour.
I let her get it all out.
I took all the hits and began to cry at the list of how I let this woman down.
How she felt I was the one, how she was hurt like never before, her perception of thing no matter right or wrong tore a hole within me.
To hear how she viewed our marriage, to hear her pain and what she felt and me was devastating.
I told her how deeply sorry I was for the way she felt, and that she should know how I feel about her.
Then she said no, she said she really did not know how I felt about her and wanted to know right now my feelings.
I caught my breath and told her that I do have to say I’m sorry for the action or things that I have done wrong. That certain items I must agree with and make amends for and we discussed them.
I then told her that I do and always have loved her.
We talked of our family and she asked about my MOM.
I told her that she entered AA.
She said ok, so your saving the world now are you?
Why did you not save me?
God I wish I was struck dead on the spot.
I told her that it was not too late for her to make a move for help. She said all us AA or NA people sound the same, like a cult.
So I’m thinking that there has been others who have talked to her.
She said she has not drank for months.
That she did not need help.
She said she could not speak any more to me.
It was too painful.
That she could not even talk about ending our marriage.
I told her to call any time and that I do care very much for about her.
We said goodbye.
The woman I spoke to was not my wife, as I knew her.
I really do not know whom I spoke to. The sound of her voice and mental patterns were all-wrong.
She felt that I never helped her.
That with the party life and work we had that I made her turn into this.
It was hard to hear to say the least.
To hear that one person feels that you crushed her life and dreams is hard to take.
It was hard to believe the pain in her voice.
I have no expectations only sadness right now.
May God have mercy on her and may God forgive me for my part.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 2,333
Mr. C.....I agree you are taking on way too much of the responsiblity and guilt of a broken relationship. The fact that you wife blames you for everything confirms that she is very sick in the disease, even if she isn't drinking. If she finds AA to be cult like maybe a private therapist is in order. Any way you look at it, she is in denial and obviously is suffering and wants you to suffer. Please keep on your path of recovery. I found in your last couple of posts some real progress, don't stop now....
Love, Patty
Love, Patty
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Anaheim,CA
Posts: 549
Chris-
Remember..."forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us."
A marriage takes TWO. You can't own it all.
You've come so far, don't let this set you back. Pray she finds her way into treatment.
Remember..."forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us."
A marriage takes TWO. You can't own it all.
You've come so far, don't let this set you back. Pray she finds her way into treatment.
1000 Post Club
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Recoveryville, USA
Posts: 1,297
I hear the deep, sad emotion in your post.
Please remember that she is deeply, deeply ill. Her pain is just to much for her to bear as being the cause of, so she externalizes it upon you. Yes, you were a part of the problem, as we all are, but you are by no means the cause of her unhappiness and sickness. She was just doing what alcoholics/addicts do...blame the ones they love for their pain.
I feel the same as you do, Mr. C., my heart is broken for the man who no longer lives in the same body. His soul hasbeen tortured by this disease and has been replaced with hate,fear, anger, resentment and arrogance.
Lets do our part today by praying for them, ourselves and continue taking those steps to recover.
Please remember that she is deeply, deeply ill. Her pain is just to much for her to bear as being the cause of, so she externalizes it upon you. Yes, you were a part of the problem, as we all are, but you are by no means the cause of her unhappiness and sickness. She was just doing what alcoholics/addicts do...blame the ones they love for their pain.
I feel the same as you do, Mr. C., my heart is broken for the man who no longer lives in the same body. His soul hasbeen tortured by this disease and has been replaced with hate,fear, anger, resentment and arrogance.
Lets do our part today by praying for them, ourselves and continue taking those steps to recover.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: nowheresville
Posts: 872
Mr. Christian,
I have to echo everyone else, you are taking on responsibility that doesn't belong to you.
She wanted to unload the blame and she let you have it.
She has no recovery program so that is her only defense.
Please only take to heart 50% of that drivel.
Anyway look now you know where you stand and so now you can make some decisions concerning the financial side of your marriage. She's made it clear she doesn't want to be part of it so do what you need to do for you.
Ngaire
I have to echo everyone else, you are taking on responsibility that doesn't belong to you.
She wanted to unload the blame and she let you have it.
She has no recovery program so that is her only defense.
Please only take to heart 50% of that drivel.
Anyway look now you know where you stand and so now you can make some decisions concerning the financial side of your marriage. She's made it clear she doesn't want to be part of it so do what you need to do for you.
Ngaire
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Litterbox City
Posts: 5,691
mr. c - i know how much you wanted this conversation to be different. please do what you need to do on your end financially to take care of you! she hasn't changed - she doesn't want the responsbility.
take care of yourself - the disease again spews forth it's nastiness!
hugs - christie
take care of yourself - the disease again spews forth it's nastiness!
hugs - christie
Member
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Pittsburgh, PA
Posts: 261
Christian- Sometimes they shift the blame on another person to try and make themselves feel better..Don't allow her to make you feel any more guilt than you have already been burdened with..You are carrying enough around...
Let go and Live
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: somewhere over the rainbow
Posts: 13
Mr. C
I am sorry that did not go as you had hoped, know that you are loved. you cannot burden the weight of her guilt its not fair, let go and let her heal so you can also. I send you prayers of hope and love.
I am sorry that did not go as you had hoped, know that you are loved. you cannot burden the weight of her guilt its not fair, let go and let her heal so you can also. I send you prayers of hope and love.
My Cape Is at The Cleaners
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Metropolis
Posts: 1,117
Once again thank you all for responding to me.
I waited a couple days before getting back to the page. I know I need not take the guilt she did pass onto me.
There is my part in all this like any relationship, but it stops there.
I thought about how years ago when we did meet and when we started going out how it was a rough road there.
In the fact that there was always a problem. Always drama and she always would argue of fight over something.
There was always something happening.
The disagreements and issues should have brought up red flags.
Her charm and good looks were always what got her by.
I tried to break it off a couple of times but the tears and the pleading started.
I eventually excepted her and the ball started rolling.
Through the years the behavior either lessened of I got used to it.
Now with all that has happened she throws the blame entirely on my self as she did with her 2nd husband.
The pattern continues.
No as much as I love her I move forward with my legal plans.
I wish she find the help she needs but doubt it.
Alcoholism is a progressive decease, one that either leads to one of two things if help is not sought, insanity or death.
I waited a couple days before getting back to the page. I know I need not take the guilt she did pass onto me.
There is my part in all this like any relationship, but it stops there.
I thought about how years ago when we did meet and when we started going out how it was a rough road there.
In the fact that there was always a problem. Always drama and she always would argue of fight over something.
There was always something happening.
The disagreements and issues should have brought up red flags.
Her charm and good looks were always what got her by.
I tried to break it off a couple of times but the tears and the pleading started.
I eventually excepted her and the ball started rolling.
Through the years the behavior either lessened of I got used to it.
Now with all that has happened she throws the blame entirely on my self as she did with her 2nd husband.
The pattern continues.
No as much as I love her I move forward with my legal plans.
I wish she find the help she needs but doubt it.
Alcoholism is a progressive decease, one that either leads to one of two things if help is not sought, insanity or death.
My Cape Is at The Cleaners
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Metropolis
Posts: 1,117
I think more then feelings of guilt; the feelings of disappointment are greater.
The shattered hopes and dreams my wife discussed, no matter whose fault, bring us both despair.
We both counted on another.
As she told me and I agreed, we thought of us as forever.
She told me that I was the one, and I felt that of her.
Past relationships and history that was never dealt with was brought into our relationship.
A true deep love I feel was there.
With life in general and the hurdles that it brings, mixed with substance abuse, brought a certain end to the home we built.
I sat today with the little stuffed pig my cat left behind and gazed out into the trees where I live.
I thought about all the laughter and good times shared by the entire family.
I thought of promises and dreams we had.
I thought of holding my wife in the summer breeze and feeling her lips against mine.
I then thought of today.
Of being here alone, with no family.
We sometimes take our situations for granted in the years that go by.
I would give up years of my life to recapture just one day again of what I once knew.
Before all the sadness, and before the decease took hold of our lives.
A time where we were whole, a time we had that sparkle in our eyes and a dream to live on.
Beyond all the blame we all throw on to each other, or all the mistakes we all make, there is love.
It’s there in all of us, and I feel we never really stop loving a person.
I feel it just gets put aside.
The shattered hopes and dreams my wife discussed, no matter whose fault, bring us both despair.
We both counted on another.
As she told me and I agreed, we thought of us as forever.
She told me that I was the one, and I felt that of her.
Past relationships and history that was never dealt with was brought into our relationship.
A true deep love I feel was there.
With life in general and the hurdles that it brings, mixed with substance abuse, brought a certain end to the home we built.
I sat today with the little stuffed pig my cat left behind and gazed out into the trees where I live.
I thought about all the laughter and good times shared by the entire family.
I thought of promises and dreams we had.
I thought of holding my wife in the summer breeze and feeling her lips against mine.
I then thought of today.
Of being here alone, with no family.
We sometimes take our situations for granted in the years that go by.
I would give up years of my life to recapture just one day again of what I once knew.
Before all the sadness, and before the decease took hold of our lives.
A time where we were whole, a time we had that sparkle in our eyes and a dream to live on.
Beyond all the blame we all throw on to each other, or all the mistakes we all make, there is love.
It’s there in all of us, and I feel we never really stop loving a person.
I feel it just gets put aside.
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