katykat28

So my EXa called to wish me a happy birthday on monday which I thought was really nice that he remembered, until I found out that a mutual friend had to remind him. Three years and four birthdays together and he doesn't remember, what a jerk! He was on his way out to dinner with his new underage gf who has a fake ID, (he is 26, she just turned 19) I like how he can go out to dinner and NOT pay child support!! I would love to go out to dinner. I have tried calling since, to get money from him but he continues to avoid me, he won't answer or return my calls. I have even called him at work and he won't take my calls. I don't leave messages cuz I know I won't be nice and that only makes me feel worse. He will only call me when he is drunk and misses me and his gf is asleep or at home with her parents. (yeah she still lives at home, when shes not mouching off him and not paying bills). I am so frustrated with this situation I don't know what to do, I can't afford to take him to court, and I can't afford not to either, so I am stuck doing this alone. I get angry at him and it makes me feel sick inside I wish that I could dissapear from him and not have to deal with it at all. I just don't want to be angry anymore. Sorry this is so long, any suggestions?

FormerDoormat

Evening Katy:

Here's a simple solution to a complex problem. FORGET about him. Let him go. Can't you see you're hanging on to this unhealthy relationship by accepting phone calls from him, by calling him at work, by worrying over what he's doing with his new partner, by obsessing over how he chooses to live his life? Based on what I've just read, you haven't let go of this unhealthy relationship or moved forward with your life at all.

Now, about the child support, either take him to court and force him to live up to his parental responsibilities or let go of that, too. If you really need the money, let the courts handle that. There is no need for you to contact him again.

Nineteen years ago, I had a daughter with an irresponsible and uncaring partner. When I told him I was pregnant he said, "get rid of the baby or I'm gone." I said "goodbye." And I never looked back. I didn't want to be tied to a man who didn't care about me or my daughter. So what did I do? I walked away completely. Never asked for child support. Never contacted him again. And never regretted it one bit.

You can continue the drama by obsessing about a broken relationship, by continuing to obsess what he's doing with money he's not giving to you and your child, or you can cut your losses, let him go, and find a path to a happier life.

The choice is yours.

queenofthehwy

You're right he is a jerk! So don't talk to him anymore. FD has great advice if you need the money let the court handle it, if they can't make him pay, theres no way you are going to get it outta him right?
I'm sorry you have to deal with him, but just be glad it's not on a daily basis.
take care,
mindi

katykat28

Harsh but true. Thanks for keepin it real. I personaly am not searching out his info. unfortunatley we have many mutual friends who find it neccesary to share it with me. I had to recently tell them that I don't want ot know what he is doing every second, or any second for that matter, and that I would appreciate it if they would not bring his name into our conversations. For the most part my friends have been respectful, and the ones that haven't I don't accept calls from anymore. Sad to say that I had to let friends go also, but I am committed to keeping him out of my life. I guess its hard cuz when he calls he says he wants to see our daughter, and I want her to have a dad. Question is can he be the dad she deserves? I have faith that he can be but that's what keeps me hanging on, do I let go of that hope of her having a dad too?

queenofthehwy

Sorry katykat. I didn't mean to sound harsh, it's just that it's easy to see things differently when not directley involved.
Your daughter can have a dad,(not necesarally him) but believe me if he keeps behaving this way, you are going to wish he wasn't her dad. Harsh again, but I have 3 kids, 11-10 and 6 and thier dad has not been a good example to them. As a matter of fact I think he has done more harm than good for them.
Sorry Katy I know this sucks, but you can do this you can be strong for your daughter

katykat28

Sometimes harsh is neccesary thank you! I appreciate the honesty. It is hard to imagine life without him in it, even a little, maybe that's why I answer when he calls. I am learning that there are wonderful people in my life that love me and my daughter and I can't help wishing that he could see what he's missing. THat is where the anger comes in, how could you put something like drinkin before a child? I will never understand that! However, Queen you are right he may not be the best example for her and that is his loss and eventually hers too. Makes me sad that her life starts this way too. My dad wasn't around much, I maybe saw him two or three times a year, and I had hoped that my daughter would have a better father than I did. Oh well, we all make choices in life, maybe this was hers.

pmaslan

(((Katykat)))....You may feel that FD may have been harsh, but here words were right on. Leaving it up to the courts is the best if not the smartest option you have. I don't know your financial situation but you can always go to legal aid for assistance. I don't how much time your ex spends with his child but that can also be determined in court. If he doesn't show it is his loss. Please consider Alanon for yourself, you must move on for your own sake. You have made a wise choice to omit friends from your life that don't respect your fragile state right now. Keep coming back we are here for you....

FriendofBill

I too have the same resentments about not paying child support etc. The only was to relieve them:

Pray for him.

Daily and consistently. It works.

Oh, it was my b day Monday too, and my former husband did not acknolwedge it. Just as I expected. It still hurt.

elizabeth1979

Yeah I agree with the others katykat. Take control of your life! Its your call!

katykat28

Thanks guys I appreciate the input, I have made the conscience descion to not answer the next time he calls. we will see how that goes. In the mean time I will just move on as if he doesn't exist (easier said than done). Thank you all for your encouragement.

FRIEND happy birthday! I am sorry you were hurt also, not nice on your bday!

PMASLAN thanks I will keep coming back, you guys are what is helping me stay strong and helping me to realize that I need to focus on myself, and its ok to do that. I have had a hard time letting go of other peoples needs and focusing on mine. Because of this site I am taking more of my life back, THANK YOU FOR THAT!!

Cynay

It feels wonderful to take back control of the only thing we have control over... everyone here is soooo supportive of that.

I raised my daughter without CS when she was young, not easy but its better then being stuck in that chaos. No contact with him or as little as possible is the best bet. I was seeing my ex-abf on my Birthday and he still did not remember, when I mentioned it he did not even seem upset or remorseful, just bought me a candle. God when I think about it... why would I settle for something like that. Good ridence to bad rubish.