EmmaJ

I'm new here.

My fiance is an alcoholic, and there really isn't anyone I can talk to about it.

He was sober for over 15 years, but he began drinking again shortly before he met me. We met online. I was in an unhappy marriage to a non-A at the time, and he was in a longterm relationship, also with a non-A.

We fell in love before I knew he was drinking (I knew he had been sober for 15+ years, but, because we got to know each other virtually, I had no idea he was drinking again until my heart was already involved).

Ultimately, our relationships ended and we got together. We have been living together now for over a year and a half.

The past couple of months he has gotten nasty when he is drinking. He is belligerent and rude...and he has even threatened to 'smash my face in'.

Because of this, I insisted he stop drinking. He has gone to one AA meeting so far, but he has not completely quit yet. He says he is tapering (and, I guess he is because he is down to 3-4 beers a day). The problem is, he hasn't quit yet, and that worries me. He also wants to start toking because he said that he did that for the years he was not drinking, and it helped him stay away from the booze. That worries me also.

I have never been to Al-Anon, even though my father is an alcoholic who has been mostly sober for 29 years (with the odd slip).

I really don't know what to do in this situation. I love him dearly and I want to stay with him...but I don't know how to help him.

I'm wondering if he is bipolar because he seems to go through long periods where he is withdrawn and cold, followed by periods where he is fun and happy and loving.

Should I be looking to get him into therapy right now? Or should we concentrate on the alcohol problem first? And, would I be a fool to let him toke?

Emma

equus

If he does this drunk then there is something of this in him sober. It's quite serious and I know it would be too much for me to deal with.

I'm not going to get into judging what he's doing to quit, whether he's tapering first, had quit stone cold or was drinking full time it wouldn't enable me to tell the future or his motives. My hubby is on day 12 of having quit but it was a bit bumpy getting here....

I think first of all make sure you are safe or can get yourself somewhere safe if things go wrong. Then I would suggest getting help for you. Al-Anon has helped many people here but it wasn't for me, however I did use counselling, friends SR and an alcohol advisory phoneline + face to face service.

My hubby also has issues with depression and anxiety - I don't think you can 'get anyone into anything' but I do think being able to talk openly about it helps. A year ago I would have thought it impossible to imagine my hubby getting the help he is now but that result has been because of his committment - although I think our being able to talk about it helped. Mostly along the way I supported any POSITIVE effort regardless of whether it was what I would have chosen for him. Even his attempts at controlled drinking I think he had the right to try, thankfully when it did go **** up he was willing to be honest about it and get help!!

Edit--- Oooops!! I forgot to say WELCOME!! It's ace here, you can say anything and not worry.

walkingtheline

First of all, welcome . You are among friends. And as friends, we tell the truth, even if, sadly, it's not what you want to hear.

You can't "get him" anywhere. You can't change him. You didn't cause his drinking, can't control his drinking and you can 't cure his drinking.

You should be working on YOU. Not him. Al-anon is a perfect place for that. There is much knowledge there, for many of us, it is the cornerstone of our own learning.

I hate to be so blunt but you honestly don't know he didn't drink for 15 years. You didn't know him then. Many of us have learned the hard way that alcoholics lie...about big things and small things and especially about their drinking.

A man who claims to love you also threatens to smash your face in and at times becomes cold and distant. Is this really the relationship of your dreams?

There are many here with much insight and experience. There are posts to read, book recomendations and sometimes...good old fashioned fun! I hope we'll see more of you...please know, the door is always open and you are welcome here!

EmmaJ

Thanks for the welcome, equus. This probably sounds corny, but it literally brought tears to my eyes. It is so nice to be able to share this with someone.

EmmaJ

I know I need to work on me. I've finally come to that conclusion.

The only reason I know for sure he didn't drink for 15 years is because his ex confirmed it. You are right, though, it has reached the point where I don't believe anything he says that I can't independently confirm.

A few weeks ago he was angry with me because he wanted me to bring him a sixpack when I went into town and I didn't want to do it. So, while I was gone, he attempted to contact a woman he had had an affair with when he was with his ex. His thinking was that if I wouldn't let him drink, he would go to her, I guess.

Coincidentally, that woman emailed him a week or so later. Since we share email, I saw it and confronted him. He said that he had no desire to contact her and he deleted it in front of me.

But, a couple of days later, he signed up for a ***** address and contacted her that way. Fortunately, he is a bit of a computer dummy so I found out and confronted him again. As far as I know, he hasn't contacted her since...but he might just be getting smarter.

I know you will probably tell me that I should dump him. The most sane part of me says the same thing. But, I do love him, and, at least at this point, I can't even consider that route...it's too horrible to contemplate.

So, how much should I try to help? I control the money...should I refuse to buy him beer when he asks for it? Or, should I work with him when he is trying to taper?

It is all so confusing.

equus

To be honest if anyone was threatening to smash my face in I wouldn't argue with them over things for their own health!! I'd make sure I was safe first.

I'm not joking - until I was safe I'd bring the beer home rather than fight. BUT I would get safe

EmmaJ

I don't feel unsafe. He has only said that when he was drunk and our fight had escalated greatly. When he is sober, he is not like that...and when he is drunk he is OK if I don't fall for the bait and start yelling back at him.

pmaslan

First of all Welcome to SR.....
Your post screams of red flags........
One thing about alcoholics...they are good liars.
Even if his ex confirmed he wasn't drinking, doesn't neccessarily make it so.
Smashing your face....who does he think he is??????
Contacting the other woman that he cheated on with while with his ex???
Demanding booze while allegedly trying to "taper off!!!"
Trying to replace drinking with toking?
By the way I don't think the man is a computer dummy by any means, that is how the 2 of you met isn't it????
Run don't walk to Alanon...you deserve more than what this sick, sick individual can offer you......(((EmmaJ)))

whiston

EmmaJ

Your relationship is going nowhere, whatever you try to do to help him. He has continually lied and emotionally abused you. This is what alcholics do. You would also find that if he did stop drinking (and I doubt it) his personality would change very little. You would be brought right down by his depression and personality problems. Your life from now on is going to revolve around his needs, his moods. You are going to get so sucked in and it is going to take you a long time to get your life back together. He sounds exactly like my ex whom I met through a personal ad. He kept his alcoholism from me too until he's got me hooked. There was also another woman in the background whom he played off against me, though they were only 'best friends' despite the fact that I found letters of an explicit sexual nature written by her in his diary. They always seem to have a plan B.

I know it is difficult to get out of something when you are so emotionally involved but if you can find the strength and determination from somewhere you should get him out of your life and move on. It won't get better if you stay, it will only get worse. He doesn't love you, he loves his sickness and will protect it with his life. Take care and get all the help and support you need to get you through this. This is a good place to start.

workinprogress

Emma, you cannot singlehandedly get him into therapy, decide his priorities or determine his substances of choice.

Many alcoholics and people affected by alcoholics refer to the tried and true serenity prayer: God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.

If/when you attend Alanon meetings, you will be exposed to experience, strength and hope for dealing with an alcoholic.

Alanon is not a panacea, and it may seem to have religious overtones (it is spiritual), but it wouldn't hurt to try a few meetings until you find one that clicks for you.

helpinghands68

Wow, does this sound like me. Get away if you can Emma! I am not one to speak. I have been doing this for 8 years and just went back again. Mine has been sober for 5 weeks and counting. While he was drunk he would say things like "I'm gonna bash your face in, etc". Then he started doing. The police were involved and it wasn't pretty. At the time, we had a newborn so I stayed. Next, he went on to contacting the women from his past behind my back. Then he cheated on me with one of them. Not because he was attracted to me, but just to spite me because I am so boring! Then he got his own ***** e-mail account (sound familar?). He left our family last year. Now sober, he wanted us back. We are now living with him and guess what? He didn't change. Being sober did not help much at all. He is still verbally abusive and threatening physical again. He also forgot to sign off his e-mail last night and when I got on it there were e-mails again to 2 of the girls he was trying to or did cheat on me with last year. Then he caught me on it so I don't know how many more. He called me every name in the book when he caught me and now today acting like nothing. "Do this and that for me please!" I am not doing anything. He also is now (for the past week) clearing the history on the computer. I did write a letter today describing how alcohol has affected my life as a wife of an alcoholic. He just read it, threw it, and now sent me a nasty e-mail about it. Of course, it is all my fault not his and we need to "depart eachother" immediately. Easy for him to say since I have now paid for his apartment for this and next month and have no money to go elsewhere. Don't wait for him to stop drinking. He sounds too much like mine to change anyway!

prodigal

.... or could this be codependency denied? Fighting that escalates to the point that one partner threatens violence against another is NOT love. Been in that situation and can tell you ANY fight that gets to that point is evidence that both people are out of control. This guy is an addict. Period. So his grand plan is to substitute booze for dope. If you think you are feeling hurt and confused at this point, if you get further involved you'll really be in for a living hell unless this guy gets serious help.

So from your email, I've deducted that the guy is an addict, an adulterer and a liar. (Lying and addiction go hand in hand.)

You have got to get your focus off of the addict and on to YOU! Run, don't walk, to the nearest Al-Anon meeting. I guarantee you, if you start working a program, you'll be able to have a sense of peace amidst the chaos and chances are good you'll find you love yourself enough to walk away from the type of "love" you're currently receiving.

meli2005

He needs to get off the alcohol and then be seen by a psychiatrist to determine if he has bipolar or not. Until then with alcohol on board, too hard to see that.


You can't help him, that is the hardets part of being involved in an alcoholic relationship. It's really tough. You need to take care of you.


He needs to stop totally. There is no "cutting back" for an alcoholic. THat will only work temporarily. The drinking will continue to increase over time. It's a progressive disease.

I would really evaluate, do you want to continue in this relationship? It's a hard road being involved with an alcoholic, very hard. Speaking from personal experience.