bonbon

First of all I have to say hello to all of my dear friends here. I have truly missed all of you. I hope everyone is well and counting their blessings.

I'm in a place you guys where I feel very impatient. Today I am truly happy with my accomplishments, but very frustrated with my triumpths. Frustrated with my past. I am seriously considering getting some help. I make large steps everyday, my weight loss has been wonderful, have lost well over 100 pounds since March of last year. But have struggled and struggled with the last 40 Im trying to get off. It has become an obsession, and I am wearing myself mentally and physically. And what concerns me and what is beating me up emotionally right now is for the past couple of days I have sought comfort to all of my pain and frustration in not only food, but a few drinks. The guy I had started to date is a drinker, (big surprise there) . And Ive just been in this rut. I know alot of my stress comes from my diligent work with my diet, it is something very important to me and I have terrible mood swings. My daughter has spent the last 7-8 months sharing with me bits and pieces of encounters of sexual abuse she endured with a nephew of my X-A. She discusses it only with me, and it just has come out, but took place a couple years ago. That fills me with an anger and pain that I can't describe. It hurts me to the core. It reminds me that I was sick too during that time I stayed with him. Allowed her to be in an environment that at the time I thought was safe. But knew deep down maybe it wasn't. I was too worried about my X-A. i wanted us to be a family just that bad I thought.

For the most part our environment here at home is good. Just she and I. Nice place all of that, Ive worked very hard to get us here. It feels very good. I just want all of the ghosts to go away. I dont know how to get them to leave us alone. Does that make sense? Im just rambling here, as I have spent many times doing. But I always leave here knowing someone has heard me, you all know where Ive been. I want so much from this life you guys, Im tired of all this work on me. And tonite Im feeling like sometimes I keep failing. I carry alot of anger with me, alot of resentment and disgust at my past. How can I let that go? I will think I have, but then it creeps up on me in the most unexpected times. Sometimes I feel like Im dead on the inside as far as my feelings go. And that in itself hurts me.

I want to do what I need to do to prevail, accomplish my goals, develop a better relationship with my daughter and know what its like to love again. Im trying really hard, and maybe thats the problem.

GettingBy

Maybe, maybe not. I think you have done very well for yourself. Losing 100 pounds is an incredible accomplishment! How about focusing on that, instead of the 40 pounds to go?

For me, I get stuck focusing on what I didn't accomplish and in doing so, I miss out on enjoying all that I have conquered! Instead of saying, "Wow! I just ran 5 miles! Good for me!", my stinkin' thinkin' tells me, "Gee, you could have done that faster" or "You were suppose to run 6 miles." No matter what I accomplish, I've set myself up for defeat. If I focus on progress, instead of perfection, I see how good life really is! I see all the blessings God has sent me.

I have long struggled with my guilt. Guilt for my past behavior. The choices I made. The things I did or said to other people. Very ugly harsh words or actions, things that I would be appalled if someone did to me. I know what I did was wrong, but I also know that NOTHING is going to change the past. It happened, and I need to let it go and move on. While I don't condone my behavior, I also know that I was doing the best I could with what I knew then. I forgive myself... because I deserve forgiveness. I am not a horrible wrenched person who set out to hurt people. I've learned from those mistakes, and it's those lessons that I take with me in the future... and I leave the mistakes (and guilt) behind.

Hugs and prayers to you Bonbon,
Shannon

FriendofBill

Bonbon,

Hello and hugs to you.

I think you wrote the solution in the early part of your post, that you are considering getting help. It sounds to me that therapy might do wonders for you. You have accomplished a tremendous goal of the weight loss. Now, maybe its time to lose a sifferent kind of weight, the emotional weight.

Your daughter's pain seems to becoming your pain. THe best way to help her is to put that oxygen mask over you and breathe in some deep healing, and thereby share it with her.

Therapy has helped me tremendously, I urge you to try it. You sound like a loving, caring woman and mother. Take care!

cwohio

boy do those words ever ring true for me too! i always look at the pile i still have to deal with instead of the pile that i finished.

losing that weight is an INCREDIBLE accomplishment - wow! ever consider counseling - it might help with some of those issues? don't be a stranger!

hugs - christie