Girlfriend

Xabf just left a message saying that he's leaving in the am to go to the farm for a year and he apologized for bringing me into his "s**t". That his head is messed up and that he will always care alot about me and will treasure the good times we had and that maybe we can be friends again some day or go back to being like big brother/little sister like we were in junior high and high school. (that'll never happen. Not after loving him in another way and being engaged for a time).

Now, I'm crying and I don't know why because it was like he died months ago and every now and then his ghost would appear on my answering machine. He never could love me like I once did him and that hurts the most of all.

DA**it! I thought I'd be SO happy when he finally left. And, I'm not. This hurts alot.

Now comes the true letting go.

CodeMaster

I've been through the same, I dont really know what to say except that everything will be alright, destiny watches over everyone and it is with you. My condolences goes out to you...

Loves always

cwohio

gf - just when we think we have dealt with all those feelings they seem to appear again! hugs to you!

sunshinebluesky

i am so sorry you are having a hard time.......those words ring so true for me,too.....ive been having more good days than bad, but it sucks that i have to have the bad at all!
i saw mine the other day because of work,and we actually talked for about five min. my anger,resentments are gone,but the hurt is still there. though it is going to be tough for awhile, maybe it is good that yours will be far away. (as long as he doesnt call and you dont answer, yeah right...easier said than done).
did you ever happen to write journals or anything when you were together but not so happy with him? i thought i had deleted everything off my computer,but the other night cleaning it, i found it ALL. today i was reading it, and it helped alot.......being away from him-him living with someone else--i kind of forgot all the times i was miserable and or soooooo disappointed that i wanted to move on.i was SHOCKED at some of the things i FORGOT that hurt me so much. i have moved the folder to my desktop for the times i miss him, i feel soooo alone and hopeless, and if he ever comes to me and tells me one of them dumped the other!!!
smile thru your tears, it may take awhile, but it WILL get better.

FriendofBill

He couldnt even love himself, hun, how in the world could he pass love along to you? He passed what he had,,,anger, fear, hate. Tho it may hurt now, its only thru this departure can you begin the journey, if you so choose into you, who you are, what your about. Its gonna be a great ride, your gonna learn alot and love alot.....I hope you get on the train to recovery.

freya

"....it was like he died months ago and every now and then his ghost would appear...."

That is soooo true! I'm not sure why, but that is how it feels for me with my ex, too. It's not like the ending of any other relationship I've ever had and I do think it has to do with the addiction aspect of it -- it's like the person died, or where put under a spill, or had his/her soul stolen away....and it's just not a natural way for a relaionship to end....

I know it's terribly hard...but the only way through the grief is through it..it might not seem possible to you right now but it will get better and easier....

blessed be -- freya

Girlfriend

Big HUGS to you all! I don't know what I'd do without you. I'm so serious. This SR board and you all are such a major blessing. One day, we'll all get through this mess.......together.

Yeah, I did keep a journal and the nasty emails he used to send to me and me back to him. I do read those from time to time and remember that THAT was not a fun time.

The greiving is so hard to do because I lost my parents (Dad with cancer for 18 months and helped take care of him and then my Mom of a sudden heart attack in 2002) and have been greiving for them for what seems like an eternity and now losing xabf. It really makes me wanna shut off my heart and stop caring about others cuz it hurts so da*n bad when they leave.

I'm a person that gives my all to whomever. If it's the teens that I work with or my family (of course), people in need, animals. I've been like that since I was a toddler. Always giving to others. If I can't reach out and feel love in my heart for some thing or person/s, I feel like life is just an existence.

I don't wanna just exist. I wanna help make a difference while I'm on this earth. To know and feel that I lived. I just have to learn how to not get so attached and TO let go and be okay with that. Nothing lasts forever and I have to remember that and that changes are good....growth is good, even if it's painful.

sunshinebluesky

you sound like such a wonderful person....one that i wish i was more like.....i dont see myself as so caring and giving....i am to an extent,but not the way it seems you are,and others i have met.

thinking about relationships and a future one, that is how i am thinking----that i have to not get so attached, and be more willing to let go when they dont work out. these days it seems you have to have a whole different mindset about it. i find it hard to understand my own self. i am the one who ends relationships, and yet i STILL cant let go. the only thing i can come up with, is the ones i had a hard time letting go must have been the ones where i really did love the person. where i really did want it to work and to work on it. but you cant do that alone. the other person has to want it too.
and so, some days i find myself thinking that i never want to love again because if it doesnt work out, i cannot go thru this yet again. then i get scared that, that will all go down the drain as soon as some guy comes along ............well, you know the drill.

CatsTail

Girlfriend,

Part of why you are crying probably are because of his manipulative hooks he keeps leaving on your answering machine.

Think about the last message, seems full of hooks to me.

That's the way they operate.

Ngaire

ASpouse

Thats the way I see it too. No wonder alcoholics/addicts have so many enablers ..... they are so so good at surrounding themselves with people who will "help" them.

When my husband went to rehab, yes I was angry and upset and I cried. But once I settled down all I could think about was how great it was not having him there. At the beginning I called him when it was "calling hours" and it pissed me off so much, I stopped. He voice made me physically ill and the hatred I had for him ...... holy, and I told him so with so much venom it was palpable. Did it make a difference? I doubt it .... he was willing to give up everything we had, which wasn't much believe me. But after going to
Al anon and a therapist I realized that he needed to concentrate on him and me on me. My anger, hatred and tears were just another way for me to make him "listen" to me which was what got me in trouble in the first place.

I hope and pray that he learns something at this farm and that he goes through the program with an open mind with the thought foremost in his mind to get well.

Ruthie stay strong ..... you didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it. This belongs solely to him and I hope you just delete his messages without listening to them or reading them.

Take care!

Girlfriend

Because I didn't return his messages, he leaves me with one nasty one this morning. I guess he felt "rejected".

He flip flops all over the place and what kind of life is that? He's a mess and I don't wanna continue to be the victim. One day, he can call and tell me that he'll always love me and it's because of me that he's a better man and I don't respond and then he comes back with venom.

It's SICK! It's an ugly mind game that keeps going back and forth and to hell with him. I'm much better than that and won't play those games.

I pray he goes to the farm like he's supposed to today. I hate how he treats me and I'm not gonna take it anymore. I've done my good "deed". That's it.

I love you guys and just want you to know that. SunshineBlueSky, you ARE a wonderful person and don't let anyone else make you think you're not. Who are they to make us feel like crap? They'll only do it if we let them.

Next time I start to cry over this person, please do me a favor and point me back to this post. He is SO not worth it!! My life is.

katykat28

SOO much love here, so many people hurting from poison and feeling the need to connect with others. What a great place for us all!! Much love an thanks to everyone here for taking the time to listen and respond to eachothers pain.

Girlfriend, your love is much better spent where there is reciprocation. Love grows from love and all this time you have been giving and not recieving what you deserve. give some of that back to your self and you'll be so much stronger. MY thoughts are with you and my heart goes out to you.

Girlfriend

I got word last night from him that he is indeed at the farm. Left a message saying "I am here. Now our lives can now go on. Love you""

There is a peace in me today thanking God that he's there. If he sticks it out the full year, he will have his 2nd chance at life and I would love to see that happen for him and his kids, especially.

He gets no contact from anybody for awhile. No use of cell phones (thank God) and I'm feeling better today and not so sad. It was hell to go through, but if in ANY way, I helped him want to be sober......his life is worth it.

Thanks everybody!

cwohio

awww gf - glad he made and i hope for his sake that he stays and grows too. i'm sure you have sadness and gladness today! hugs to you!

pmaslan

Girlfriend........
I understand how you must feel. I always felt better when my exA was in rehab. Somehow there was a sense of peace in my life. I knew he was getting help, not drinking, just plain old safe. Now that he is far away from me living with his parents, I do not feel that same sensation of peace. Sure he is no where near to bother me and his calls have pretty much stopped, I just feel sad for him, as I know he is still drinking and not in any type of program. I have let go for the most part, as I know there is nothing more I can do, but I have compassion. I pray that your ex will use this "opportunity" to his advantage. I pray that one day down the road he will call and let you know that he is well and life for him is good. Only he will be able to deliver that news, you are in my prayers....Love, Patty

Swanie

This is my bf, although he passes shame, criticism and nothing/no one is ever enough.
Its really sad. I wish he could learn to love. He says he loves me, but I can sense that its just scratching the surface of really feeling it. More than love, its fear that has kept him in the relationship this long- well also the fact that hes 45 and he truly wants a relationship. He just doesnt get that he is worthy of love.
Im sad for him.
Angry too, but just sad.

Girlfriend

After telling my counselor today about xabf's messages and how he flipped/flopped at the end, she said to me "I wanna challenge you to respect yourself enough not to listen to disrespectful words like that."

I told her that I've told him in the past to not talk to me that way (blaming me, cristicizing me) that I won't take that from him.

But, she pointed out that by me talking to him again after setting my boundaries with him, I not only was "telling" him that it's okay to talk to me like that, but I was also telling him that I wasn't serious enough about my boundaries to stick with them no matter what.

And, that that would give him more incentive to dig deeper next time with the words and make them bigger and more hurtful.....which is exactly what he did. He knew my sensitive areas, where he could push my buttons and get me upset.

We both did. I knew how to push his, too. Within the last 4 months, I became this person that I DID not wanna be. Using the same words he was and lashing out with my tongue. I haven't done that in YEARS. Not since I was married to my abusive XH (we divorced 21 years ago). I, once again, became something that I was not and it pulled me into the sickness. And, I know why now.

It's because I was vulnerable a year ago when I saw xabf at a HS reunion and wanted to "fix" him and get him out of his hell. My parents had died, my kids left home for college and careers, I had just gone through a surgery for my colon cancer--which I'm cure of, thank God! And, my long term relationship of 15 years was over. I had, what I felt, lost everything and everybody that I loved dearly. I saw it as me helping him, but really I needed help, too. Had I been more grounded at the time, more secure within myself, I know that I wouldn't have gone as far as I did with xabf.

So, that's what I'm working on now. Is my vulnerability and finally getting through the grief of losing my family, so that I can be more productive and make better decisions for myself.

minnie

Girlfriend, you have a very wise counsellor. That boundary thing is spot on. It's a hard lesson to learn but hugely worthwhile.

(((hugs)))

EndOfRoadWife

Hang in there Girlfriend! So, this farm is a rehab that he is going to for a year? My life has been so much turmoil for the past few years, that I would be so happy if my AH went away..(I know its probably easier said than done), but I think I would sleep better always knowing where he was and that he was getting help..Take care of yourself! (hugs)