Minx1969

In my line of sponsorship, we are REQUIRED to attend 3 meetings a week (2 Alanon and 1 AA). So I go to the Sunday meetings (AA and Alanon) and the Tuesday meetings. I've been doing this over a year and between my sponsor, Alanon and working the steps I've been able to move on from my exABF. Really feel like I've grown alot and gotten good recovery. This is my first 12 step program but I was already working on myself (in therapy since I was a teen)..

I'm currently dating a great guy - no issues there at all..Really don't have any codependent behaviors with him..so far there are no red flags with him.

On top of Alanon meetings, I have a sponsee and I also have a service commitment for Alanon as well..I try to limit my Alanon activities since they can take over my life.

I also work out 4 - 5 days a week, try and see my boyfriend, see my friends and I volunteer for 2 organizations (one I'm a mentor..kind of like a sponsor. it's a few hours a month) the other is for the Art museum also a few hours a month..

So..I'm super busy and I want some more free time to do other stuff.

What I'm struggling with is Alanon...I don't want to give up the program but if I tell my sponsor I want to go down to 1 meeting a week, she will drop me (those are the rules for my line of sponsorship)..Also we are mostly required to make up meetings we miss..

Basically my priorities are shifting..My boyfriend and his family have a family dinner every Sunday night which I currently can't go to because of Alanon..he and I are starting to go away more on weekends.

I really can't pick another night because of my other commitments..The only reason I'm still going 2x a week is because of my sponsor..she's great..

But I'm struggling with not having the support she gives me..I've been looking for a potential new sponsor but most are in the same line of sponsorship..I'm a little bummed out so I'm not doing anything about it yet..

I have other methods of support (boyfriend, some friends, other Alanons I guess and a life coach)..

any thoughts?

BigSis

Hi Minx...

I generally post over in Naranon, but I have attended Alanon for about 18 months - 3 times a week.

My sponsor would likely ask me to:
1. Pray about the situation and meditate to "hear" the answer
2. Talk to her about it before making a decision and
3. If we disagreed, to wait before taking action.

One of the things I tend to do is to avoid confrontations. Alanon has taught me that it is not only "ok" to confront folks with whom I don't particularly agree, but that it is my responsibility to myself to do so.

I hope you HP can lead you to a good resolution....

Sending prayers.

BigSis

Minx1969

Hey Bigsis,

That's what I've been doing..praying over the situations..since I'm still not completely peaceful I haven't taken action.

I'm going to talk to my sponsor about it next week..(I've brought it up in the past about going down to 1 meeting..that's how I know I'll lose her as a sponsor..)

Thanks for the support.

Savana 54

Minx,

You should be so proud of yourself, you have come so far!! I wish I was as strong.

I'm at a lost for words for your situation, but I'm sure you will make the right decision.

Hugs,
Savana

minnie

Hmm, I was under the impression that there are no rules in Al-anon, only suggestions. I am uncomfortable with the idea that someone, somewhere has decided that 3 meetings a week is the only way to work the programme and have access to a sponsor. Talk about control......

I think your recovery shines through in every post you write. I know you will make the right decision.

best

No matter what choices you make, always carry the steps with you Daily.
With the steps in our thoughts, daily, we always have the tools available as needed. The habit of starting my day with a prayer for the strength, wisdom, courage, and guidance, for today, will help me through today. Tomorrow I will ask for the tools needed to get me through tomorrow. If I start leaving my prayers and tools for the day on the night stand at home, that may be the day I wish I had taken them with me.

So no matter what choices you make... remember to Always, carry the steps with you.

FriendofBill

Wow, Minx, we seem to have been nursed from the same line of sponsorship. Tho my sponsor never gave me a direct "do this, or else", I did receive the silent message that if I didnt, I was doing something wrong.

I had a older male sponsor, who lives and dies the 12 steps. He suggested the same program as you,,,few al-anon meeting, 1 aa meeting, sponsoring, service etc...all that same as you. He never, however, gave me the "or else" of firing me if I didnt do what he said. THat would be called controlling my recovery.

I reaped the rewards of this regimine of program,,immensely. But, it did seem to take over my life and the balance tipped over into too much program, not enough of other parts of life..like you have described, boyfriends, work, volunteering etc. I had to do some searching as to what to let go of. I felt terrible guilt if I wasnt doing what "They" were. It must mean Im bad or wrong. Very distorted thinking.

What I finally realized is that I no longer needed that intense 12 step dependence, I was now healthy enough to let go a bit and grab onto to the other aspect life has to offer. After all, I am supposed to use what Ive learned in the rooms out in the world, not just in the rooms.

So, I made a decision to find a new sponsor who did not judge my program or try to control how I worked it. Its mine to utilize, for better ot worse. Not for another to control.

So, today, a year after leaving that sponsor, I still attend lots of meetings a week, not too many aa meetings, but some, I work the steps, sponsor a few, do service, tho I am pulling back because I have over committed. I am verymuch involved, but not to the degree where I am "addicited" to it.

I loved my sponsor, still do, and miss his guidance sometimes, but I just could not sit with the feeling that I gave someone else permission to judge and control how I work my life. Hope this helps!

PS...personally, I think your insights and thoughts on this board are magnificent and you have the ability to make the best decision for you. Pray on it!

Serenity Bound

wow, I do think your sponsor has a control problem. In the 3 1/2 years I have been in both alanon & naranon I have never been told how many meetings to attend. I believe our higher power lets us know when we need more meetings. I have gone from 4 to 1 back to 2 depending on the circumstances of my life. Pray on it & I'm sure you'll make the right decision.

jazymn

Hi, I am new to this. Just wanted to introduce myself. I am living with and alocoholic and I AM HIS ENABLER. I also have drank with him, done drugs-just to be close to him. This is not me..I am here to discover myself and seek support.

Cap3

Hey Minx,personally im not gonna make any judgements on your sponsor.Because what you both have done up to this point has been working in your life.
Question if i may,
Are you struggling with your Al-Anon commitment?Or are you struggling with how your sponsor will react to your news?Big difference here.you say that she may leave.Are you in fear of this?Or can you accept this,and move on.
When my kids were small,i had them in a playpen,so that they wouldnt get hurt.But as they grew,older,they wanted to get out.They knew there was more to life than living in this playpen.They wanted now to explore,da world,they live in.And i let them,not trying to hold onto them or hold them back.go for it,lol.
Same as with adults.We outgrow..Wanting to branch out,explore,with our new way to live,using our tools,life on lifes terms.Always using the tools of program,everday.Life itself is all about...change..
Ive had a sponsor try her best to hang onto me.Telling me im wrong,to want another sponsor.These were her own fears,here,with her own self. Not letting go,and letting God.I felt the bondage,the smothering,and i left her.And prayed for her.For i knew that eventually i would resent her controlling my life.What worked before was just not working anymore.
Thanks for letting me share,
God Bless,and take care!!!!!

Minx1969

I agreed to the commitments of 3 meetings a week when I first started Alanon..Our "little pocket of enthusiasm" for Alanon mandates that for our line of sponsorship we follow that rule... Today it just feels like it's too much for what I have going on in my life.

I have always felt it was controlling but the same time, I see the good that comes out of it..there are some people that need that much discipline. For myself, Alanon is just the most recent type of "recovery"..I've done therapy, life coaching, self help books..I honestly believe so many of my issues were being with an A..In general I'm quite good at dealing with people and moving forward with my life....

Loving an A is another matter..all sanity goes out the window..its hard to keep setting boundaries when someone is hell bent on pushing your buttons and being disrespectful..ah well.that's why we arent' together today..I'm with someone who is a better fit for me..

I have so much gratitude for the program and the new tools I've learned..

I'm not struggling to talk to my sponsor about it..I already know how she feels..I've brought it up before..There's no fear involved or people pleasing.. I'm sure she will be sad not to sponsor me but it's the "contract" so to speak we make for that line of sponsorship..

I am struggling cuz she has great recovery (13 years in the program), is a very warm wonderful peaceful woman..She has definately become a momlike figure to me..

I will still see her in the meetings should I switch but she has been the perfect sponsor for me..

freya

Minx:

You just wrote "she has been the perfect sponsor for me" and maybe the program specified in the "contract" also has been the perfect program for you....and perhaps that is what has prepared you to move forward in your life to a new place where what has been perfect in the past will no longer be suitable....Change happens -- and in your case it looks like that change has been good and has meant a lot of growth for you, but sometimes growth means we outgrow things we needed in the past or at least we outgrow needing them in the way we've needed them in the past...you seem to have a very clear sense of your path here and it sounds to me like maybe your hesitency has to do with a little grief over good things from the past that are going to have to shift a bit in order to make way for the future that those very things have been preparing you for......and maybe you also have just a little bit of fear because your not quite sure of exaclty how that change is going to look and fit into your life....but it sounds like you are strong enough to feel the grief and move forward with faith in the direction your HP is leading you...

....BTW in my experience every really good mom knows very well that it's her job to raise children who don't need her anymore (or at least don't need her in that childish way)...

have faith in the process - freya

(Oh, it's so easy to say this cr*p to comeone else, but I do understand that it can be hard and scary -- problem is, the cr*p is true; it's just hard to see that when you're the one going through it!)

FriendofBill

When I see the words "contract", "mandate", "rules" in your post, I just shake my head. Thats not al anon....thats controlling.It reminds me of how some people may think al-anon is a cult, where we must do this or that or else.

I cannot for the life of me understand why someone would fire you as a sponsee becuase you dont do what they want you to do.

Thats just me.

dax

Your sponsor is a control freak. She is the one with the problem. She is not your mother ,Dr. or God. You seem to have a great concept of the program. I see it as a healthy sign that someone in alanon cuts down on their meetings because they have new interests and places to go. That is healthy growth. You have the all the tools now to live a happy life- you should go to an alanon meeting WHEN YOU FEEL YOU NEED IT !!! dax

Minx1969

When I came into this particular fellowship of Alanon, my sponsor clearly laid out the expectations of her line of sponsorship..(the 3 meetings).. this is how most people in are fellowship do it..that's how they were handed it down.

It was clearly my choice to have this woman (and her sponsorship line) as my sponsor..I agreed to that when I started..she didn't set false expectations or change her mind..she just told me how it was..take it or leave it..

Dax - trust me..my sponsor is not a control freak..she has never told me to do this or that..just here are your options, the choice is up to you..so my options are to stay with her and stay in 3 meetings a week..or find a new sponsor..My choice..

Thanks everyone for the feedback..I know what I need to do..it's just nice to have the feedback.

fleaSha

This is my very first post here. I am to go to a newcomers meeting tonight but Minx's post got me a little worried. I thought AlAnon was voluntary. I started thinking, "oh no, I'm not going to be able to do this!" Well I read through all the posts and thankfully I figured out they (fellowships?) are all different.

My boyfriend's mother is encouraging me to go to Alanon meetings and told me to "shop around" for meetings. Not to get discouraged if I don't feel comfortable at the first one I go to. I just read this thread and if you guys wouldn't have responded, I would have probably dropped the idea of even considering AlAnon.

Thanks for being here. I'm sure you guys will be a great help. Ok, now I'm going to the Newcomers forum...
Felicia