I let it all out!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Indianapolis, IN
Posts: 15
I let it all out!
Wow Friday night I really let it all out... Here it goes warning, it's long.
The kids and I got home from the $1 theater Friday evening and my AH is in there scrubbing the tub. I already did it that morning. I told him so. He apparently didn't think I did it well enough. Now I knew he'd get home before us and I wanted to make sure that the dishes, laundry, vacuuming, dusting, and even the bathroom was clean so he'd have no reason to complain. I forgot I was going to scrub the toilet though, so I got to hear about that too. Then he went on to how I don't do anything I just sit around and do nothing or I am always on the computer. So that just opened the door for me to let it all go. I told him everything that has been building up...
First, I may not be the best house cleaner and frankly I really don't care about the house anymore. If there is a path to walk around the place that is all I really care about (it is better than that I promice ) I am so tired and wore out there is nothing left in me and I could care less about anything else. I have no energy or desire to do anything but just sit around. I have been pushed down so far and have no desire to get up and do anything about it. You don't care about anyone or anything in this house. You come in and bark your orders and and expect everyone to jump and get mad if they don't jump high enough and you leave. you like to have us around just for bragging rights. "loook at my wife she goes to church, doesn't cuss, prays before each meal and goes to school full time, my son this and my daughter that." yet those are the very things you complain about. Then he had to start in on the computer and how I am always on it. I had to remind him, remember now it use to be the phone, I was on it too much, then it was books I read too much, now it is the computer. I have now made sure that I am off of the computer by 3:30 and not on it much if at all on the weekends just so you don't see me on it. With the exception of the last couple of days before classes were over because I had finals so you can't say that any more. I really just exploded and came off as if I was attacking him and he said, if you were a man I'd hit you. I said I wish you would so that it would give me an excuse to leave. He then tells me if I wanted to leave to go aheadand leave the kids with him. I said the kids don't want to stay with you they fear you and ask me if we could leave you. Why do you think RJ (our son)disappears when you get home and Sarah (our daughter) is so huggy with everyone, she just wants to feel loved. He said fine you all can go then. Then I told him how sad it is that you are not willing to fight for us. You don't care, your way of life is more important and we are just in the way, you never wanted us to begin with any way. He just sat there looking at me and actually listening to me.... My voice got calmer and everything began to flow out of my mouth. There was no holding back as I prayed in my head to have the words and the strength to go on. I continued...
The messy house is just a symptom of what is wrong with us. I can't constantly be pushed away and still love you. I miss the guy who took walks with me, sang songs to me, played Kong Fu with me and wrestled around, I miss the guy who looks at me with love in their face and not irritation I miss early mornings drinking coffee and wathing the news before work together or eating dinner together. He said, times change. I said no, time does't change people do. We truly need to decide if this marriage is worth saving and decide if we really want it. If not we need to seperate. Drinking has taken a hold of you and everyone sees it and is worried but don't want to be around. He asks, who? I said your family for one like your dad, mom, brothers and sister, and aunts. He said, you just don't understand I am under a lot of stress. Do you know what it is like to be the only one who provides for the family? I said that I have the same stress as he does and more. You dobn't think Iworry about the bills? He said it doesn't look like it. I continued again, I just don't drink it all away. Ya know what is worse than being the guy who has to provide for the family on their own? Being the preson whose name is on most if not all of those bills and having no power to do anything about them and having to rely on someone else to take care of it. Then there is the stress of school and raising the kids and the biggest stress is worrying about you when you're drunk and then take off on the bike. Yeah I am stressed but drinking it away isn't going to help. So he goes on to say well it hurts me when we don't touch and you won't respond to me. I said well don't you see a reason behind that? I can't go to bed hurt and wake up happy and in love with you. Don't you see the misery we are all in? Do you realize that we only have 5 more years with RJ he will be 18 then and will move out and go to college and Sarah 3 years after that. I want them to be happy and have happy memories, When they look back they won't remember the house teh'll remember the love they felt and the fun and happyness. Now RJ says he has no happy momories since he was real little. You two use to have a nightly routeen when he was real littel. You'd take off his shoes and get him ready for bed as you did the same for yourself, then He'd try and take off yours. He still talks about that and he was about 3. He says, so you are saying all of this is my fault? Well ya know I think almost all of it is. Well, maybe the way I react to it isn't always correct and may add to it. But it is the drinking you have allowed to control you. You weren't always like this I watched your dirnking progress. When we got together all was good you were happy funny and easy going and great to be around. Everyone wanted to be around you. I said in the beginning, you felt you had to bring me out here because I was pregnant, then I lost that baby and some time later you sent me back because you didn't love me,, you then brought me back because you missed me and wanted to try to have a relationship, then you decided to return to CA to face some unresolved issues, so I went on ahead and was willing to wait for you until you got together with Philip and wrote me this muchy letter full of love hopes and dreams, so I returned to be with you. I got pregnant with RJ and while faced with new responsibilities you started to drink more and began to pull away. When we had Sarah she came with so many health problems, I believe the dirnkning picked up so you could distance yourself from it all because it was too painful. ( I didn't even mention the other two babies we lost inbetween RJ and Sarah and the one after Sarah) And now as time goes by you just can't stop, the dirnkig and what it does to you makes it worse and worse. Your biggest dream was just to wake up from this nightmear and be safe in your bed on Canyon.(where he last lived at mom's house before he came here) But that isn't going to happen this is reality and needs to be dealt with. Not drank away.
He asked, what do you want me to say? I said it doesn't matter what I want. I did not cause your dirnking, so I can't make you stop. All I know is that I am tired of aching for you and over your actions. We need to either work on this marriage which will be extreamly hard but worth it or we need to seperate. He asked where I'd move to (as thinking I couldn't do it) I said a house of our own just me and the kids with out you. He asked if I would stay in Indiana and of course I would and told him so. I don't want to leave you because I love you but I will leave because I love our children. I am not going to hut anymore.
Through this whole time he wasn't drunk and he actually listened more than I think he has ever listened to me. I thihnk he really heard me this time. He said he needed to think and that he needed to go do yard work because it will calm him down. He didn't yell,scream, punch holes in the walls or ruin any furnature we didn't even loose a door or window. When yard work was finished he came in and was calm. He actually came in the house early and sat down with the kids while they watched a movie on and off ans the got ready for showers and bed. We went together and actually put our arms around each other for the first time in weeks. As I lay there as I have done many times before I just prayed for him and for peace in our life and for a restoration to him and our marriage. This morning was real good too. All is well with the world, but for how long?
So now it has been 3 days with only the first night having a change. The ball is in his court and he knows how I feel. How do I make sure that I don't waver in my decision and how do I remind him of what I said with out making it sound like I am nagging? I am not sure what my next step is. Where do I go from here?
The kids and I got home from the $1 theater Friday evening and my AH is in there scrubbing the tub. I already did it that morning. I told him so. He apparently didn't think I did it well enough. Now I knew he'd get home before us and I wanted to make sure that the dishes, laundry, vacuuming, dusting, and even the bathroom was clean so he'd have no reason to complain. I forgot I was going to scrub the toilet though, so I got to hear about that too. Then he went on to how I don't do anything I just sit around and do nothing or I am always on the computer. So that just opened the door for me to let it all go. I told him everything that has been building up...
First, I may not be the best house cleaner and frankly I really don't care about the house anymore. If there is a path to walk around the place that is all I really care about (it is better than that I promice ) I am so tired and wore out there is nothing left in me and I could care less about anything else. I have no energy or desire to do anything but just sit around. I have been pushed down so far and have no desire to get up and do anything about it. You don't care about anyone or anything in this house. You come in and bark your orders and and expect everyone to jump and get mad if they don't jump high enough and you leave. you like to have us around just for bragging rights. "loook at my wife she goes to church, doesn't cuss, prays before each meal and goes to school full time, my son this and my daughter that." yet those are the very things you complain about. Then he had to start in on the computer and how I am always on it. I had to remind him, remember now it use to be the phone, I was on it too much, then it was books I read too much, now it is the computer. I have now made sure that I am off of the computer by 3:30 and not on it much if at all on the weekends just so you don't see me on it. With the exception of the last couple of days before classes were over because I had finals so you can't say that any more. I really just exploded and came off as if I was attacking him and he said, if you were a man I'd hit you. I said I wish you would so that it would give me an excuse to leave. He then tells me if I wanted to leave to go aheadand leave the kids with him. I said the kids don't want to stay with you they fear you and ask me if we could leave you. Why do you think RJ (our son)disappears when you get home and Sarah (our daughter) is so huggy with everyone, she just wants to feel loved. He said fine you all can go then. Then I told him how sad it is that you are not willing to fight for us. You don't care, your way of life is more important and we are just in the way, you never wanted us to begin with any way. He just sat there looking at me and actually listening to me.... My voice got calmer and everything began to flow out of my mouth. There was no holding back as I prayed in my head to have the words and the strength to go on. I continued...
The messy house is just a symptom of what is wrong with us. I can't constantly be pushed away and still love you. I miss the guy who took walks with me, sang songs to me, played Kong Fu with me and wrestled around, I miss the guy who looks at me with love in their face and not irritation I miss early mornings drinking coffee and wathing the news before work together or eating dinner together. He said, times change. I said no, time does't change people do. We truly need to decide if this marriage is worth saving and decide if we really want it. If not we need to seperate. Drinking has taken a hold of you and everyone sees it and is worried but don't want to be around. He asks, who? I said your family for one like your dad, mom, brothers and sister, and aunts. He said, you just don't understand I am under a lot of stress. Do you know what it is like to be the only one who provides for the family? I said that I have the same stress as he does and more. You dobn't think Iworry about the bills? He said it doesn't look like it. I continued again, I just don't drink it all away. Ya know what is worse than being the guy who has to provide for the family on their own? Being the preson whose name is on most if not all of those bills and having no power to do anything about them and having to rely on someone else to take care of it. Then there is the stress of school and raising the kids and the biggest stress is worrying about you when you're drunk and then take off on the bike. Yeah I am stressed but drinking it away isn't going to help. So he goes on to say well it hurts me when we don't touch and you won't respond to me. I said well don't you see a reason behind that? I can't go to bed hurt and wake up happy and in love with you. Don't you see the misery we are all in? Do you realize that we only have 5 more years with RJ he will be 18 then and will move out and go to college and Sarah 3 years after that. I want them to be happy and have happy memories, When they look back they won't remember the house teh'll remember the love they felt and the fun and happyness. Now RJ says he has no happy momories since he was real little. You two use to have a nightly routeen when he was real littel. You'd take off his shoes and get him ready for bed as you did the same for yourself, then He'd try and take off yours. He still talks about that and he was about 3. He says, so you are saying all of this is my fault? Well ya know I think almost all of it is. Well, maybe the way I react to it isn't always correct and may add to it. But it is the drinking you have allowed to control you. You weren't always like this I watched your dirnking progress. When we got together all was good you were happy funny and easy going and great to be around. Everyone wanted to be around you. I said in the beginning, you felt you had to bring me out here because I was pregnant, then I lost that baby and some time later you sent me back because you didn't love me,, you then brought me back because you missed me and wanted to try to have a relationship, then you decided to return to CA to face some unresolved issues, so I went on ahead and was willing to wait for you until you got together with Philip and wrote me this muchy letter full of love hopes and dreams, so I returned to be with you. I got pregnant with RJ and while faced with new responsibilities you started to drink more and began to pull away. When we had Sarah she came with so many health problems, I believe the dirnkning picked up so you could distance yourself from it all because it was too painful. ( I didn't even mention the other two babies we lost inbetween RJ and Sarah and the one after Sarah) And now as time goes by you just can't stop, the dirnkig and what it does to you makes it worse and worse. Your biggest dream was just to wake up from this nightmear and be safe in your bed on Canyon.(where he last lived at mom's house before he came here) But that isn't going to happen this is reality and needs to be dealt with. Not drank away.
He asked, what do you want me to say? I said it doesn't matter what I want. I did not cause your dirnking, so I can't make you stop. All I know is that I am tired of aching for you and over your actions. We need to either work on this marriage which will be extreamly hard but worth it or we need to seperate. He asked where I'd move to (as thinking I couldn't do it) I said a house of our own just me and the kids with out you. He asked if I would stay in Indiana and of course I would and told him so. I don't want to leave you because I love you but I will leave because I love our children. I am not going to hut anymore.
Through this whole time he wasn't drunk and he actually listened more than I think he has ever listened to me. I thihnk he really heard me this time. He said he needed to think and that he needed to go do yard work because it will calm him down. He didn't yell,scream, punch holes in the walls or ruin any furnature we didn't even loose a door or window. When yard work was finished he came in and was calm. He actually came in the house early and sat down with the kids while they watched a movie on and off ans the got ready for showers and bed. We went together and actually put our arms around each other for the first time in weeks. As I lay there as I have done many times before I just prayed for him and for peace in our life and for a restoration to him and our marriage. This morning was real good too. All is well with the world, but for how long?
So now it has been 3 days with only the first night having a change. The ball is in his court and he knows how I feel. How do I make sure that I don't waver in my decision and how do I remind him of what I said with out making it sound like I am nagging? I am not sure what my next step is. Where do I go from here?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
Wow... Congrads to you!
I agree and Al-anon meeting, You do what you have to for you and the kids. You take one day, hour, moment at a time, take care of you... hold your boundries and take care of your kids.
He knows now where he stands, its his choice. You just stick to choosing good things for you!
I agree and Al-anon meeting, You do what you have to for you and the kids. You take one day, hour, moment at a time, take care of you... hold your boundries and take care of your kids.
He knows now where he stands, its his choice. You just stick to choosing good things for you!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: DooDooville, USA
Posts: 453
Hi Deeds,
Focus on you and if you can't do that, focus on your kids. From past experience, I know that it hurts the kids SO much when their parents fight and see one of them drinking and/or are doing drugs. They think it's their fault and of course it isn't.
Children of A's grow up with alot of insecurities that they carry with them for life. And, we're their role models. They look up to us as how to act when they get older and married and have kids. The cycle continues from generation to generation and it's sad....alot of heartbreak.
If he's not gonna get help, do what you said you would. Get a place for you and your kids.
Praying for ya!!!
Focus on you and if you can't do that, focus on your kids. From past experience, I know that it hurts the kids SO much when their parents fight and see one of them drinking and/or are doing drugs. They think it's their fault and of course it isn't.
Children of A's grow up with alot of insecurities that they carry with them for life. And, we're their role models. They look up to us as how to act when they get older and married and have kids. The cycle continues from generation to generation and it's sad....alot of heartbreak.
If he's not gonna get help, do what you said you would. Get a place for you and your kids.
Praying for ya!!!
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