Girlfriend

Minnie,

Are you SURE you don't have a degree in Al-Anon Counseling? You give the best advice and have the best words to say!! It's amazing.


My xabf was impotent most of the time. But, I did notice that whenever HE REALLY wanted it, he had no problems performing. Fear of intimacy had alot to do with it. He didn't like letting people "too close" to his heart. He had a million and one excuses why he "couldn't" and really played on that.

Myself, .......I didn't really care all that much. I loved him regardless and told him it was no big deal.

But, yeah, I understand that it's frustrating for you.

LovingMom

Might I also interject something here? A point that was brought home by the evil one himself..my exh. He would be angry..say if I were to come on to him or whathaveyou...then I realized after talking to our doc that he was using the excuse of anger to cover the fact that as a raging alcolohic...he was having..ummmmm shall we say "man problems" and had performance demands that he couldnt live up to. So he got angry, pulled away from me and had me believing that it was all my fault.

Just a tidbit.

Cynay

You know... take what you want and leave the rest thing... might want to use it here but I wanted to point this out.

You said he had the choice of following "your" plan or not. Seems if you want out of the relationship it would be less hurtful all the way around to just do it. I would have a problem in following anyone elses plan when I did not help create it.

My ex-abf and I had a ton of issues with this....I also noticed that our sex life was great, but when he got sober it changed... the things we would do before he felt should not be a part of the new him (????) who know, and I found it strange that though he did not want to be with me and I was always available to him.... he had NO problem performing with others. Guess that was because he did not have to be "close" to them.... just physical.

Beautiful

I think you're right, Minnie. I think you're RIGHT ON!

My plan is divided into short, medium, and long range goals. It just happens to equal 10 years and financial freedom with the ability to work part time and stay home mostly with my children.

I'm not inflexible. My problem is that I have been TOO flexible despite my better judgment.

Hey, Minnie, what are some ways that I would be able to support him without being sucked back in -- since you're on a roll and all.....................lol

Beautiful

Our sex life has been this same scenario since we married 8 years ago. Man problems have been ruled out by the doctor. Intimacy problems have plagued him since many years before I met him. They were corrected before we met -- showed up immediately after our honeymoon.

As far as my plan is concerned: The plan would work better with his knowledge and input than it would work if I did it alone. The big piece of the puzzle is that we need to move to a more affordable living situation. That would be a big "sacrifice" for him. I could live in a shoebox -- although tastefully decorated would be a must. LOL

I'm not sure I want out. I want things to be different, I married a different person than I have now, and I thought that I married an adult. So, is it possible that people change for the better? I would hope so but I don't know. I just don't know.

minnie

I don't know about that! I just think I have some level of understanding of a certain type of alcoholic.

Ways to support him? I really don't know, because I couldn't do it with my ex. I realised that I had to leave him to find his own way through this. I knew that the dynamics of our relationship meant that we couldn't both get recovery whilst still together.

workinprogress

None of this is nonsense, Beautiful. And it's prudent to have long-term plans to face future uncertainty, but TOO much planning runs counter to living a day at a time. Nothing beats consensual, spontaneous sex in an honest, monogamous relationship. Why cut off your sex life to spite your partner? However, "quality" should always win out over "quantity."

Sex in the City

Beautiful

I think because sex should be on both partners' terms and not just on one partner's terms. For example, when he's in the mood then it's time. Those are the terms. When I'm in the mood, he's turned off "because women who are assertive in bed are a turn off to a man." Did you see the quotes? He said this to me some years ago. Now he's griping because I don't initiate anything. Waiting isn't doing me any good either because once every 2 months, quite honestly, I can't even get fired up for that.

Don't read my words as angry because they are not. I am truly searching for an answer and making plans with or without him.

minnie

I see issue as no different than many others in a relationship, actually. I am who I am, my partner will be who he is and where we differ, we either compromise or split.

As for the "because women who are assertive in bed are a turn off to a man" - who appointed him spokesperson for all men? Maybe he doesn't like assertive women (because of his insecurities?), but I know plenty of men who think otherwise. I am wary of people who de-personalise what THEY think in this way.

Beautiful

I agree. I thought back when reading this to when we first got married. Stepteenagers in the house. They never spoke directly to each other. They spoke *around* each other -- I guess in hopes that the other one would hear and handle it. Non-confrontational is what H would call it -- I always found it a bit baffling and strange, truthfully, because my family was always very direct in their dealings with each other and H and I were direct in our dealings with each other as well --until we got married.

I'm going to think about this and consider a way that I maybe will approach this subject............

Thanks!

Cynay

I agree with Minni

There is a big difference between agressive and assertive.... and I know many men that prefer assertive women in bed. I have been told it takes the pressure off them for always being the the one to initiate all the time.

You have to question a man security in himself if he has issues with a women that knows what she wants and has no problem expressing it.

Jazzman

I can chime in here... He does NOT speak for all men on the "assertive in bed" issue...

The way two adults work out, or ability to work out their respective intimacy likes, dislikes, compatibilities, comfort levels is in my opinion as different as ANY relationship dynamic of the “combination” of the two people.. Where each persons head is at “in life”, levels of self esteem, levels of maturity, comfort levels in them selves and their sexuality and intimacy, tons of factors…

It has been my experience that no intimate situation is alike between ANY two people, only how well you "gel" with one person as opposed to another in many factors seems to make all the difference… for me.

Beautiful

Go Jazz, Go Jazz, Go, Go, Go Jazz..............

Tell it like it *really* is, boy!

workinprogress

BEAUTIFUL, your initial post conveys some real anger and/or frustration about your sex life. Is sex nonnegotiable and only on his terms? Is the solution as simple as deciding whether to live with him or without him? The JAZZMAN's soothing post hit on all notes as did the other posts. Each relationship is unique and "consensual" sex is important.

I've noticed that stereotypes (e.g., men are sex addicts and females are passive) are not always true and can be barriers to fulfillment. Some sexperts profess that sex is really a mental exercise. It appears you are not getting what you want and deserve and maybe there is no meeting of the minds.

Jazzman

Or maybe some people prefer making love to having sex... Huge difference.

crazykat

Sex with AH is nonexistent. A year ago it was because I was unattractive/fat. I told him it was his drinking. He said if I lost weight he would stop drinking. I've lost 35 lbs, wearing a six and his drinking has not changed. Still no sex, but I sleep on the couch. I resent him very much for messing with my head like that! I need to let go...do feel detached. In fact, sex with someone else sounds good.

gnostic

What if my spouse needs to drink to be in the mood to have sex. And what if I have no desire to have sex with my wife while she is drinking? What now? She resents me cause I won't have sex with her. Which I won't because I don't even want to be near her when she drinks, much less make love to her.

Any suggestions?

Jazzman

gnostic - been there, done that. I have no suggestions to help other than, welcome to SR. Read the sticky notes posts. Get educated on the disease. Get help for yourself and get support. There are people here that have been in your shoes and some very good wisdom and support. Sorry to hear about your problems, you are not alone...

gnostic

Thank you for understanding.

gnos

Jazzman

gnostic - GREAT avatar! Is that what you do when your spouse is in the mood! LOL Would scare me away LOL