time to go...............
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Raleigh, NC (Jersey Girl transplant)
Posts: 676
time to go...............
Today I am wondering if it is time to call it quits with my husband. Last night when I got home my husband was not there and there was no dinner ready. My son was hungry so I went into the fridge to make a plan for dinner. So I began dinner and soon after I began dinner my husband walked in and I asked him in an annoyed voice what was the plan for dinner. He has been making dinners for the past few years as he has been out of work. Well he started calling me a b**** and saying that there was something wrong with me that I couldn't do any womanly things because I was not taught how to be a woman, but I was taught to be a man. He also said something about my not wanting to have sex. THis went on and on and I didn;t respond at all for a long time. Then when I did respond it was only by making a few mild comments. And I let it go.
Now I know this is his quacking because of his disease. But I wonder if I should even be around it anymore. All the hateful things he said, I know he means many of them. SO what is the point? I don't think there is anyway to go back to a loving relationship with all the hateful words etc. I feel hurt today about the things he said. Even though I know they are because of this disease. I also don't know what to do about the sex issue. It is true, I don't want to have sex. I am sure there are many reasons including I am too angry and he is unattractive to me most of the time. I don't want to be pressured anymore about sex. If I don't have any for the rest of my life that is my choice.
So I am thinking maybe it is time to separate. Time to go my own way and start a new life. I don't feel sure about this but I think I am getting there. I think I need to be free of this terrible burden.
Now I know this is his quacking because of his disease. But I wonder if I should even be around it anymore. All the hateful things he said, I know he means many of them. SO what is the point? I don't think there is anyway to go back to a loving relationship with all the hateful words etc. I feel hurt today about the things he said. Even though I know they are because of this disease. I also don't know what to do about the sex issue. It is true, I don't want to have sex. I am sure there are many reasons including I am too angry and he is unattractive to me most of the time. I don't want to be pressured anymore about sex. If I don't have any for the rest of my life that is my choice.
So I am thinking maybe it is time to separate. Time to go my own way and start a new life. I don't feel sure about this but I think I am getting there. I think I need to be free of this terrible burden.
Last edited by Rose56; 11-13-2002 at 08:51 AM.
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Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Lexington, Ky
Posts: 2
I think I know where you're at.
Rose I think I know exactly where you are at. I had my last blow up with my A on Sunday. He got on a plane to go on travel for work and I haven't seen him since. He didn't call until last night. Said he's fine. He contacted me via computer today to say he's arriving back in town on Friday evening and would I like to go to O's to talk. O's is a bar. He put a smiley face at the end of his sentence.
Something tells me he just isn't getting it. He's not going to get it and doesn't want to get it.
I have spent these last 2 days trying to come to grips with being by myself and raising my 16 year old son. I've realized it was nice not having to use all my energy at night dealing with his alcohol consumption. I even started cleaning out books to donate to the library at my son's school today.
I don't know that I want him at this point. I don't know that I want him to come home. He's gonna do like he does every time - tell me he loves me and tell me he will cut back and get it under control. That he respects me and my opinion. That he's not an alocholic, but that he has been abusing and he'll stop. He cut back for a week or a month or until he feels like just sitting and drinking beer all day again. Or he'll start sneeking vodka again and think I can't see it. Or worse he'll just tell me to get out again if I don't like his drinking.
I'm tired of the roller coaster. I look at some of the posts on this sight and I feel so guilty because I have it so good compared to most I read. I have a great job and a loving father and kids who support me. I am financially independent and don't have to worry about lots of issues most are dealing with. Buth this hurts just the same. I don't think I want him back. I don't think I want to deal with the day to day any more. I just want him to go away and leave me alone.
Something tells me he just isn't getting it. He's not going to get it and doesn't want to get it.
I have spent these last 2 days trying to come to grips with being by myself and raising my 16 year old son. I've realized it was nice not having to use all my energy at night dealing with his alcohol consumption. I even started cleaning out books to donate to the library at my son's school today.
I don't know that I want him at this point. I don't know that I want him to come home. He's gonna do like he does every time - tell me he loves me and tell me he will cut back and get it under control. That he respects me and my opinion. That he's not an alocholic, but that he has been abusing and he'll stop. He cut back for a week or a month or until he feels like just sitting and drinking beer all day again. Or he'll start sneeking vodka again and think I can't see it. Or worse he'll just tell me to get out again if I don't like his drinking.
I'm tired of the roller coaster. I look at some of the posts on this sight and I feel so guilty because I have it so good compared to most I read. I have a great job and a loving father and kids who support me. I am financially independent and don't have to worry about lots of issues most are dealing with. Buth this hurts just the same. I don't think I want him back. I don't think I want to deal with the day to day any more. I just want him to go away and leave me alone.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: North Vancouver, British Columbia
Posts: 1,714
(((((Rose))))) My heart goes out to you. I am so, so sorry that you are going through this. I sometimes think that verbal abuse is the worst of all, because that is a hurt you can't put a bandaid on. And as for the sex issue, how are you supposed to have sex with a man who hurts you so much emotionally and who can make you sick just to look at? Rose, you deserve so much better than this - you seem like such a warm and loving woman. It sounds like you are on your way to making a very big decision for your life, and like MG said, start to make a plan for leaving. You may never need it, but better to have it there. Please take care, Rose.
Love and hugs.
Love and hugs.
Paused
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: california
Posts: 15
i can relate
Rose,
I've been exactly where you are now. I did finally leave after 18 years of putting up with the A. Even now after splitting up for the second time (and if he decided to admit and seek help for his drinking) I don't think I would be there for him. He has denied, denied, denied for so long, thats its me that has the problem, not him. Plus he left so easily the second time, back to his apartment, where he can just be Randy and drink whenever he wants to without the "warden" (me) telling him when he's had enough beers. It has been so hard, but like you I have always had a good job, some independence, and I just dont want to live like this any longer. Im 45 years of age with two girls (ages 13 and 17). If I am to be married, I want someone who wants the same things in life I want, I want to be treated with respect, I want my kids to know that's not how you live. It has been the hardest thing in my life to deal with, because my husband can be a good man but add that alcohol to his life and I don't respect him, I'm not attracted to him, and I dislike him. I have seen how far apart we have grown, and I just finally threw my hands up and said God, I give this to you. So I go day by day, looking at the blessings I do have in my life, i.e., my job, my health, my kids, my parents, good friends. I hope the best for you. I know I could never have any peace unless I finally let go. Each of us has to make our own decisions to stay or to leave. I choose what was best for me I believe. Take care Rose, and hang in there... barb
I've been exactly where you are now. I did finally leave after 18 years of putting up with the A. Even now after splitting up for the second time (and if he decided to admit and seek help for his drinking) I don't think I would be there for him. He has denied, denied, denied for so long, thats its me that has the problem, not him. Plus he left so easily the second time, back to his apartment, where he can just be Randy and drink whenever he wants to without the "warden" (me) telling him when he's had enough beers. It has been so hard, but like you I have always had a good job, some independence, and I just dont want to live like this any longer. Im 45 years of age with two girls (ages 13 and 17). If I am to be married, I want someone who wants the same things in life I want, I want to be treated with respect, I want my kids to know that's not how you live. It has been the hardest thing in my life to deal with, because my husband can be a good man but add that alcohol to his life and I don't respect him, I'm not attracted to him, and I dislike him. I have seen how far apart we have grown, and I just finally threw my hands up and said God, I give this to you. So I go day by day, looking at the blessings I do have in my life, i.e., my job, my health, my kids, my parents, good friends. I hope the best for you. I know I could never have any peace unless I finally let go. Each of us has to make our own decisions to stay or to leave. I choose what was best for me I believe. Take care Rose, and hang in there... barb
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Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: england
Posts: 47
ur doing ok,
hi , rose
Im sorry to hear ur having such a rough time of it, i can really relate to how ur feeling just now, the should i leave or should i stay, is somrthing i.ve gone through and still am going through today, its a scarey procass, take ur time , and do like mg says, As for the sex issue, well, my A wants sex on his term, and when he feels like it, and i feel very much like u, sometimes the pressure is to much, and trying to make them see that being intermite with someone who smells like a brewaery, just isnt a turn on, My A starts quacking at me about what a failure i am in that department,,( huh, like he's richard gere!), Now i just try to let it go over my head, i know in my heart of hearts that im not the problem <my A's deasease is. What im really seriously asking myself now is ,am i prepared to live my life this way and loose out on any happiness that may come, i can honestly say im not happy now.
Your a special person rose, and this is a tough situation, take baby steps, focus on you, loads of love coming to u from england, ur not alone,
)))))))))))))))))))))))))rose(((((((((((((((((((
love spin
Im sorry to hear ur having such a rough time of it, i can really relate to how ur feeling just now, the should i leave or should i stay, is somrthing i.ve gone through and still am going through today, its a scarey procass, take ur time , and do like mg says, As for the sex issue, well, my A wants sex on his term, and when he feels like it, and i feel very much like u, sometimes the pressure is to much, and trying to make them see that being intermite with someone who smells like a brewaery, just isnt a turn on, My A starts quacking at me about what a failure i am in that department,,( huh, like he's richard gere!), Now i just try to let it go over my head, i know in my heart of hearts that im not the problem <my A's deasease is. What im really seriously asking myself now is ,am i prepared to live my life this way and loose out on any happiness that may come, i can honestly say im not happy now.
Your a special person rose, and this is a tough situation, take baby steps, focus on you, loads of love coming to u from england, ur not alone,
)))))))))))))))))))))))))rose(((((((((((((((((((
love spin
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Hi Rose
I'm sorry for your pain and I can't add much except to agree with MG about making a plan and being ready. Doesn't mean you have to do it, but it will help lessen the fear of leaving.
An affirmation I repeat to myself often is "I am a precious child of God, worthy of love and respect". I need to repeat this because sometimes I forget. Don't you forget it Rose. You deserve the best.
I think that when you are ready, the answer will come. In the meantime just know that we love you and care.
I'm sorry for your pain and I can't add much except to agree with MG about making a plan and being ready. Doesn't mean you have to do it, but it will help lessen the fear of leaving.
An affirmation I repeat to myself often is "I am a precious child of God, worthy of love and respect". I need to repeat this because sometimes I forget. Don't you forget it Rose. You deserve the best.
I think that when you are ready, the answer will come. In the meantime just know that we love you and care.
Supply Manager
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
Rose,
I read somewhere than when woman look at themselves naked in a mirror they see only their flaws...men see Ahhhrrnold.
Only you know where you are emotionally, if you are done you are done. If you aren't sure wait a bit longer and get that plan under way!
Hugs and prayers to you!
JT
I read somewhere than when woman look at themselves naked in a mirror they see only their flaws...men see Ahhhrrnold.
Only you know where you are emotionally, if you are done you are done. If you aren't sure wait a bit longer and get that plan under way!
Hugs and prayers to you!
JT
Member
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: California
Posts: 329
Rose I can totally relate to not wanting to have sex!! If my husband is sober for a few days then I start to lean towards liking him again, but that NASTY breath of his when he is drinking is enough to make a person sick. Alot of the time when he wants to have sex he can not perform and ends up going to sleep. It is pretty sad when the man your married to is so very unattractive to you. I have even tryed closing my eyes and imagining the way he looked when he was young. Who knows maybe starting menopause is part of the reason for not wanting to be intimate. A good book sounds more exciting to me!!
Anyway, just know that there are others that go through similiar situations and we are all here to listen. Take care and think things out! Take care of you always.
I love these boards!!
matters
Anyway, just know that there are others that go through similiar situations and we are all here to listen. Take care and think things out! Take care of you always.
I love these boards!!
matters
I used to work here ;)
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: I live in Trevose, PA & collect Barbies :)
Posts: 2,024
Hey Rose
The sex issue sure sounds like you are talking about my situation. I don't know how many times I tell him I find him unattrative when he is using. But when he is using, he manages to always bring it up and tell me there is something wrong me, quack, quack, quack. Believe me, its not you.
You will know what you need to do when the time comes.
Please take care of you and know we are all here if you need us.
Many hugs.
Love,
Debbie
The sex issue sure sounds like you are talking about my situation. I don't know how many times I tell him I find him unattrative when he is using. But when he is using, he manages to always bring it up and tell me there is something wrong me, quack, quack, quack. Believe me, its not you.
You will know what you need to do when the time comes.
Please take care of you and know we are all here if you need us.
Many hugs.
Love,
Debbie
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Raleigh, NC (Jersey Girl transplant)
Posts: 676
Thank you all for listening and caring. If I decide to separate, I plan to ask my husband to leave and live somewhere else. I think he may agree initially and then decide to come home again because there is really no where else for him to go. So I will need to visit a lawyer and find out what steps I will need to take. So my plan for now is to visit an attorney, I already have a firm picked out that specializes in divorce. I attended a free seminar, hosted by this group, last fall on divorce. It is scary as he has not been working over the past couple of years I may have to pay him support money. What a joke. But I am not thinking about that. Maybe I will make an appointment for a consultation so I can gather more information about my particular situation.
This is such a big decision because I know if I separate from him he will have to try to support himself and he hasn't been able to do that. When I was growing up, I learned to place a very high importance on not upsetting my father. I felt afraid if my father was too upset then he would leave us, and my mother was not capable of taking care of us - she was mentally ill. So I tried to never do anything that would upset my father. And I feel the same way towards my husband. Even though I give him a hard time and nag at him sometimes, I am afraid to upset his life. This is an irrational fear I know, but I need to get through it if I am to heal and move forward. Even if I decide to stay.
Today I will call my sponser and talk it over with her. I also will attend a meeting at lunch time. Again thanks for listening and caring. I know I can sort this out with your support.
This is such a big decision because I know if I separate from him he will have to try to support himself and he hasn't been able to do that. When I was growing up, I learned to place a very high importance on not upsetting my father. I felt afraid if my father was too upset then he would leave us, and my mother was not capable of taking care of us - she was mentally ill. So I tried to never do anything that would upset my father. And I feel the same way towards my husband. Even though I give him a hard time and nag at him sometimes, I am afraid to upset his life. This is an irrational fear I know, but I need to get through it if I am to heal and move forward. Even if I decide to stay.
Today I will call my sponser and talk it over with her. I also will attend a meeting at lunch time. Again thanks for listening and caring. I know I can sort this out with your support.
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