Lost my partner because of drink, so so upset:(
 

Hi all
I have had a drink problem for a couple of years & i met my gf 17 months ago. She knew i liked a drink & whenever we went out to a bar i'd drink whilst getting ready & then at end of night do things that annoyed her, like spilling things, slurring, emotionally cold & the contrary, too touchy.
We would argue & it would escalate & i'd say something like "i drink, handle it" or "i'm not gonna change, it's me".
She has 2 kids & we are both 30. Initially it was difficult for me to handle this, as i'd never been around a 6 & 10 year old before, so i used to go back to my place 2-3 night a week to drink or if i was cooking a meal there, i'd be on the beer & wine, being complacent, annoying & taking things for granted.
I'd not always be like this, i never touch drink before 6pm & wouldn't everynight, but because she was a non drinker, the affect was greater on her.
She wanted commitment from me,& move in, but i wanted the best of both worlds.
I was warned that drink would drive us apart, but i was stupid & took no notice, or i did, but called her bluff. One night we had a bad argument & it was horrible, she cried in bed & i was cold & pigheaded & i said i didn't care anymore.
3 weeks ago she said she needed space & i got worried & went to doc & said i wanted to stop right now! He gave me Valium, i couldn't, i went back & he said maybe i should just cut down, so i did, i weened myself, but i didn't tell my gf, i just said i'd stopped & then she noticed i'd had a couple of drinks & she sayed i'd lyed to her again!
In this space time she needed, where we saw each other a couple of times, she met someone, they swapped email addresses & had dinner, she liked him & they visited each others houses, although no sex was had she told me, as she told him she was with me.
I knew nothing of this until the day before her family holiday & i was due to look after her house for a week & i noticed marks on her neck. She said an ex had come round for support as he'sd had argument with his gf & they hugged & he kissed her & then her neck, she was sorry & i understood this can happen.
Realy it was this guy, on her return she said she'd been thinking hard & couldn't be my gf anymore & it was all my fault with the drink. She said they were going out tommorow & i know they will get it on & i can't get the image out of my mind, it hurts so much, ive cryed all day & am having panic attacks. I hate myself for losing my beautiful girl& feel llike not being around anymore.I'm eating valium like sweets, i just want to sleep, but when i wake i realise it aint a bad dream! My world is in pieces, & it's all my fault, if only i'd listened instead of being so stupid. I'm very, very emotional & pleaded with her to give me a chance again.
We will see each other & chat on msn, & meet for a coffe in town & over time i'll show her & i hope for reconciliation, as i can'tsee a 22 year old guy commiting to a girl with 2 kids!(hope)
It's been 20 days now without a drink, but she don't believe i'll change, ever!.She past experiences of people letting her down! & can't take that chance again!
Why oh why, when it comes to it, a kick up the backside, does it take this type of thing to change & when it's too late. Please help, i'm sick to the stomach of this mental image of them, in our bed & being intimate!
Please someone reply & give me advise!
Thanks
Gaz:cries3:

I know it is hard and I hope you can get her back. Keep trying to do right. You are right that it probably will not work with a young guy and her kids. I think the thing people make mistakes with is having sex and falling in love without marriage. If she was your wife it would not be so easy to just go get another guy. People should make commitments and stick by them and I know that sounds just to corny to be real, but the commitment of marriage is keeping me with my husband. Show her you care and you love her.

(((gazmix)))))

I am sorry for your pain. However, if you are getting sober to win her back what are going to do if it does not work out?

The best and only real reason to get clean is because you want to do what is good for you. Let's say you win her back because you quit drinking and maybe she does something that you do not like and you revert back to your old way of coping by drinking and then you may loose her again. But if you get sober for yourself your sobriety will be much more solid and you will be a lot less likely to relaps.

I do not know if you are going to AA or not but, you may want to check them out so you can understand more about what real recovery is about.

Please go to AA. It is fantastic.

Brightlight, i've asked her to get engaged, something she put to me & i said it was a good idea, she just thinks people don't change & she'l be married to a drunk. I've told her i love her everyday, but little things i do she says show i don't respect her! She's 29 has 2 kids 10 & 6, she says he's wanting a relationship & wants to meet the kids & he has no baggage & seems commited, but on his profile on msn, it says he likes loads of alchol & women!, she don't drink! & was surprised when i said it said 'women' on his profile. I mean he's 22, would he want to get tied down?? I hope not! I'm so jealous it hurts & i know they will be out tommorow & it will be the first time since she ended it with me & i am sure they will be intimate! i hate it & it turns my stomach!

Splendra, i am getting clean for myself i think, as i wouldn't want this to happen again in another relationship.Although, initially the shock of the prospect of losing her sprang me into action, whereas if she hadn't done this, i may not have!!

Evening Gazmix:

Well, you've seen for yourself that there are consequences to your drinking. Consequences for you, consequences for your family, consequences for the woman you love. Losing your girlfriend, I am sure, is only one of a number of losses you've suffered due to your alcoholism.

What priviledges do you trade for a drink? Your license, your car, your job, your home, your friends, your family. So losing your girlfriend is just another indication that you are powerless over alcohol.

The alcoholic in my life, my boyfriend of 23 years, is now my ex-boyfriend for probably the same reason your girlfriend has thrown in the towel. Everyday, the alcoholics in our lives show us that they love the bottle more than they love us. Our alcoholic loved ones lie to us repeatedly, they are irresponsible, they are immature, they are self-absorbed, they are inconsiderate, they are impatient, they are verbally abusive, they are physically abusive, they are drunk more often than they are sober, they are angry, they are depressed. In short, we lose our loved ones to the almighty bottle. When all hope is lost that our alcoholic loved ones will seek and maintain sobriety, we throw in the towel. We decide that we can't save our alcoholic loved ones from self-destructing, so we decide to save ourselves.

Will your girlfriend take you back if you were to reach and maintain sobriety? I think the chances are slim. Why you ask? Because you've proven to her again and again that you are not a man of your word. You say you want to quit, but your actions say something completely different. Every day your actions say "I love the bottle more than anything. Nothing else matters to me except my next drink."

I asked my alcholic boyfriend of 23 years to move out on my 45th birthday. I decided that I would not waste another day of my life waiting for him to change, waiting for him to see that he had a problem, because that day may never come.

I used to hope that he'd hit his bottom, realize that he had a problem, and seek help. But now that I've spent the last five months without the daily effects of his alcoholism, I know that I could never go back. I also know that even if he were to reach sobriety, that the chances are great that he'd have a relapse. And that's something I won't tolerate. I don't want to live my life in fear of him coming home drunk again. Who knows if the next slip will last a day or a year?

I'm sure these are the same thoughts and fears running through your girlfriend's head. Life with an active alcoholic is chaotic and heartbreaking. So what can you do? Stop wondering if your girlfriend will take you back. You have more important issues to deal with now.

By posting on this forum, you've made an important first step. You've come to the realization that your life is out of control. The next step is to take control of your drinking and take control of your life.

If you're not attending AA, I'd strongly recommend that you find a meeting. There you will meet people who are struggling just like you. There you will hear many stories that are similar to yours. There you will be given the support and encouragement you need to get well. There you will be given a set of tools to help you stay clean and learn to start anew.

Losing your girlfriend is not a tragedy, it's an opportunity or you to learn from your past mistakes. It's an opportunity to get well. It's an opportunity for you to take control of our life and get well.

I hope you choose wisely.

You yourself said it was hard with the kids and you stayed at your place. You may find you deserve better yourself and that if you stop the drinking and get your life in order then you may realize you did not deserve this. No body deserves to be lied to and have somebody cheat on them, but I understand you love her.

Former Doormat
 

Thankyou for your wise words, they are so true & hit home.
Inconsiderate, irresponsible, self absorbed, cold, pigheaded! I made her cry & took no notice of her warnings & she often said i cared more for the bottle, which sometimes i did & sometimes i didn't, now i definately don't!
I do feel currently losing my gf is a tragedy, as it's so new & hurts so much & i miss her like crazy!, but positives like you say that i need to address my problem is the plus point.
I hurt so much over what i've done, i can't imagine life without her & it feels like it will take forever to heal.
She told me she can't afford to give me a chance, as my history is all she has to go on & thats right i suppose!.
I'm seeing an alcohol advisory service & will seek out AA help too.
My gf said things about how i felt towards her, that weren't true, my actions were wrong, but i did love her & she meant the world to me!
I have been sober 22 days, not a lot, but a start, but it's too late for her!
Alcoholism is a disease & i could murder a shot of bourbon now, as it hurts so much & i crave.
I was so upset when she ended it, i was crying & pleading, what an embarrasing sight, i just was empty, at a loss & couldn't believe it.
I never drank everyday & when i didn't i was the person she loved, i never came in plastered, i just was clumsy & annoying. I will concentrate on getting well, i just want her back so much, & i wish i could turn the clock back & now i want to show her i can't, although she still wants to be my friend & meet occasionally for coffee, this she will do & she will see then the change!
Thanks

My boyfriend is doing the same thing to me right now. We have been together for almost 3 yrs now and I know he loves and cares about me but he just can't seem to stay clean for longer than a couple days. Almost all of his relatives are alchoalics and he has been in and out of AA for the last few years now. He will be sober for a few days...going to AA meetings and praying alot but then he is right in it again. Once he starts drinking he will not stop until there is not a sip of alchoal around. Often I will wake up for work only to find him drinking shots of Tequila and bottles of wine at 7am in the morning. It makes me so sad to see him suffering with this selfish disease but I know that he won't get help until he is ready to help himself. He tells me he wants to stop and have a good relationship, then takes off to go drink somewhere by himself...he always lies about things and it's always my fault or something that I did to make him go drink. I have threatened to leave him hundreds of times but I never stick to it and I think that he takes advantage of that. I know that I can find someone that could treat me better and he would regret treating me the way he did when I'm with someone else.

He just left a couple hours ago telling me that he is going the gym...I catch him lying and then he admits that he needs to go drink. I can't and will not take this anymore...I am too good for this. I think the only thing for me to do is get all my things of out his house and never look behind me. I feel for what you are going through because everytime I leave him for a couple days he ends up calling me crying, promising that he will get clean. I have really learned 1st hand how selfish this disease really is and how bad it can ruin every relationship around you. :-(

newportnic, Welcome to SR, this is a great place.

You put something in address line that brought you here, but whatever, it sent you to a thread from Aug 13, 2005.
drop down towards bottom of this page and click on FORUM JUMP it will bring up the newest threads for today, and then post a new thread please, OK? Thanks.
Lots of help here, and you will find you are not alone.

Welcome!
I'm sorry for your pain....
I know how your gf feels and I envy her for her courage to leave.

I strongly believe that one can change when one puts its mind into it, and I really hope that you'll stop drinking not to get your gf back but for yourself.

My alcoholic always tells me, "I'm going to quit for you, I'm going to change for you.."
So far, it hasn't worked. How about doing something for yourself?-I always say.
I wish you the best of luck, and I hope you learn alot from this experience, and keep it up! You can do it!!!!

Hi and welcome to SR. Congrats on your 22 days of sobriety and I wish you continued success. I warned my AH about 3 months into our marriage that "alcohol would be the death of us." He did not listen either and we've been living the vicious cycle ever since. Now it is 3 1/2 years later and I'm leaving too. He is saying that "he'll change now," but let me just tell you that I do not trust anything he says. He's told me this all before and never stuck to any promise he's made. That is what being lied to consistently does to people gazmix. They will no longer have faith in you. You have to earn respect and trust. I've noticed that many alcoholics have such a huge sense of entitlement within their personalities. The truth is that the world owes you NOTHING and you never get any more out of it then what you put in.

I'm sorry for your pain and I'm sorry that she cheated on you. I don't find infidelity acceptable on any level. I do however understand why she chose to leave. It is hellish to be on the receiving end. Best of luck to you.

:c011: With a hint of animosity (with every right), you speak the truth. :You_Rock_

Lust4lfe,

You just responded to a 2 year, 11 month old thread.

And as a postscript to Former Doormat's old post (on which you're commenting), Richard (the XABF) eventually died from his choices.

How sad is that! I hate to know what I will be writing three years from now about my soon-to-be XABF. It hurts so much to think about that.

AlmostReadyToLeaveButAmAfraid

Hopefully, you will be writing about the happiness you've found, and not about the choices made by someone you cannot control. It is sad, but YOUR life doesn't have to be

:hug: