We Teach People How to Treat Us
Acting not reacting
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Join Date: Jun 2004
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We Teach People How to Treat Us
OK, here is my repost of this very wise post...not sure who posted it originally, but it helps me every time I read this!
Do you ever wonder why people treat you the way they do, see Life Law #3: People Do What Works. They do what they do because you have taught them, based on results, which behavior gets a payoff and which ones don’t. If they get what they want, they keep that behavior in their repertoire. If they don’t get the desired result, they drop that behavior and acquire a new one. Understand that here, as in all areas of your life, results, not intentions, influence the people with whom you interact. You may complain or cry or threaten to give them negative results, but if the bottom line is that you reward the behavior by providing a response that the other person values, then the person decides, “Hey, this works. I now know how to get what I want.”
If the people in your life treat you in an undesirable way, you’re going to want to figure out what you are doing to reinforce, elicit, or allow that treatment. If you’re involved in a relationship in which someone is constantly abusive, exploitative, or insensitive to you, find out what you’re doing to encourage that behavior, so that you can realign the relationship in a more healthy direction…..
……Because you are accountable, you can declare the relationship "reopened for negotiation" at any time you choose, and for as long as you choose. Even a pattern of relating that is 30 years old can be redefined. Before you reopen the negotiation, you must commit to do so from a position of strength and power, not fear and self-doubt.
By requiring more from yourself and from your partner, you are, in essence, “changing the deal”. And make no mistake: Those with whom you are currently in relationships won’t like it. They will resist your changing the status quo. You taught them the rules, you’ve been rewarding their conduct, and they, like you, have gotten comfortable with the deal. If the price of poker is about to go up, it’s only fair that you warn them about the changes before you begin to respond to their behavior in a different way. If you have taught someone to go on green and stop on red, but not change the rules, he or she is entitled to know about the change.
When I say your partner will resist change in general, and in particular any change that requires more of him or her, do not underestimate the vigor of that resistance. The resistance may range from allegations that “you just don’t care any more”, all the way to emotional extortion. Emotional extortion may take the form of threats to leave if you don’t cave in on your new position, or may even involve agitated threats of suicide. You may well hear a speech similar to this one:
“I can’t believe you are doing this to me!....How long have you hated me?....I’ve tried to make you happy; I’ve given and given….You know how to hurt me and you are doing it…There’s someone else, isn’t there?...Those so-called friends of yours are jealous and filling your head with all this crap, can’t you see that?....What makes you so perfect?....You don’t have any room to talk; do you remember what you did last year?...I’d rather die than lose you.”
Let’s take a closer look at this speech. First of all, it is totally manipulative and self-serving: “I can’t believe you are doing this to me” is victim talk. It is full of attempts to put words in your mouth, in order to create guilt and put you on the defensive. It implies that you are being hurtful; that there is someone else; or that it’s your friends. It is also full of attacks: “You’re doing this”; “I’ve tried, but no….”; “You aren’t perfect”; “You just don’t care”. Finally, it contains the ultimate threat: “I’ll just kill myself”.
This speech may be followed by your partner’s pretending that nothing ever happened, and attempting just to resume “business as usual”; or by a flurry of short term “sweetness and light”. Your partner may also contact your friends and family members, to recruit them to dissuade you from this “craziness”. In any event, the primary thrust of this and almost any attack within a relationship will be based in guilt.
Guilt is a powerful and destructive weapon in relationships, and you must steel yourself against being manipulated by it. Guilt paralyses you and shuts you down. No progress sis made if you are whipping yourself with shame. The healthy alternative is to acknowledge problem behavior; figure out why the problem behavior happens; and make a plan for change. The universe rewards action; guilt is paralysis.
Stay the course. Do not be diverted from your resolve. If your partner threatens to leave or commit suicide, that’s a bluff you must call. If you think the threat to harm him or herself is genuine, your relationship and your partner were much more unstable than you thought. In any event, if you believe they are capable of hurting themselves, call the police or the county sheriff and let the professionals deal with it, but do not cave in. If you back off, you are teaching your partner that you can be “handled”
From “Life Strategies” by Dr Phil McGraw.
Do you ever wonder why people treat you the way they do, see Life Law #3: People Do What Works. They do what they do because you have taught them, based on results, which behavior gets a payoff and which ones don’t. If they get what they want, they keep that behavior in their repertoire. If they don’t get the desired result, they drop that behavior and acquire a new one. Understand that here, as in all areas of your life, results, not intentions, influence the people with whom you interact. You may complain or cry or threaten to give them negative results, but if the bottom line is that you reward the behavior by providing a response that the other person values, then the person decides, “Hey, this works. I now know how to get what I want.”
If the people in your life treat you in an undesirable way, you’re going to want to figure out what you are doing to reinforce, elicit, or allow that treatment. If you’re involved in a relationship in which someone is constantly abusive, exploitative, or insensitive to you, find out what you’re doing to encourage that behavior, so that you can realign the relationship in a more healthy direction…..
……Because you are accountable, you can declare the relationship "reopened for negotiation" at any time you choose, and for as long as you choose. Even a pattern of relating that is 30 years old can be redefined. Before you reopen the negotiation, you must commit to do so from a position of strength and power, not fear and self-doubt.
By requiring more from yourself and from your partner, you are, in essence, “changing the deal”. And make no mistake: Those with whom you are currently in relationships won’t like it. They will resist your changing the status quo. You taught them the rules, you’ve been rewarding their conduct, and they, like you, have gotten comfortable with the deal. If the price of poker is about to go up, it’s only fair that you warn them about the changes before you begin to respond to their behavior in a different way. If you have taught someone to go on green and stop on red, but not change the rules, he or she is entitled to know about the change.
When I say your partner will resist change in general, and in particular any change that requires more of him or her, do not underestimate the vigor of that resistance. The resistance may range from allegations that “you just don’t care any more”, all the way to emotional extortion. Emotional extortion may take the form of threats to leave if you don’t cave in on your new position, or may even involve agitated threats of suicide. You may well hear a speech similar to this one:
“I can’t believe you are doing this to me!....How long have you hated me?....I’ve tried to make you happy; I’ve given and given….You know how to hurt me and you are doing it…There’s someone else, isn’t there?...Those so-called friends of yours are jealous and filling your head with all this crap, can’t you see that?....What makes you so perfect?....You don’t have any room to talk; do you remember what you did last year?...I’d rather die than lose you.”
Let’s take a closer look at this speech. First of all, it is totally manipulative and self-serving: “I can’t believe you are doing this to me” is victim talk. It is full of attempts to put words in your mouth, in order to create guilt and put you on the defensive. It implies that you are being hurtful; that there is someone else; or that it’s your friends. It is also full of attacks: “You’re doing this”; “I’ve tried, but no….”; “You aren’t perfect”; “You just don’t care”. Finally, it contains the ultimate threat: “I’ll just kill myself”.
This speech may be followed by your partner’s pretending that nothing ever happened, and attempting just to resume “business as usual”; or by a flurry of short term “sweetness and light”. Your partner may also contact your friends and family members, to recruit them to dissuade you from this “craziness”. In any event, the primary thrust of this and almost any attack within a relationship will be based in guilt.
Guilt is a powerful and destructive weapon in relationships, and you must steel yourself against being manipulated by it. Guilt paralyses you and shuts you down. No progress sis made if you are whipping yourself with shame. The healthy alternative is to acknowledge problem behavior; figure out why the problem behavior happens; and make a plan for change. The universe rewards action; guilt is paralysis.
Stay the course. Do not be diverted from your resolve. If your partner threatens to leave or commit suicide, that’s a bluff you must call. If you think the threat to harm him or herself is genuine, your relationship and your partner were much more unstable than you thought. In any event, if you believe they are capable of hurting themselves, call the police or the county sheriff and let the professionals deal with it, but do not cave in. If you back off, you are teaching your partner that you can be “handled”
From “Life Strategies” by Dr Phil McGraw.
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Join Date: Dec 2004
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“I can’t believe you are doing this to me!....How long have you hated me?....I’ve tried to make you happy; I’ve given and given….You know how to hurt me and you are doing it…There’s someone else, isn’t there?...Those so-called friends of yours are jealous and filling your head with all this crap, can’t you see that?....What makes you so perfect?....You don’t have any room to talk; do you remember what you did last year?...I’d rather die than lose you.”
I AM NOT MEAN, I AM NOT THE BAD GUY!!! I AM NOT ALONE!!!
Thanks Liz!
Mindi
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Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: uk
Posts: 3,054
Fantastic post!!
There's a couple of things I would add to it though. When you stop responding to negative behaviour that has previously been rewarded by your response (response might be - giving in, silence, attention, etc) then the behaviour might at first go up.
Think of yourself trying to get into a car with a frozen lock. You try the key - it won't budge, the first thing you do is try the same learned behaviour harder, only after a few attempts do you change tactic.
Because of this IF the behaviour you're trying to change in how another person treats you is abusive, or likely to turn (especially physically) abusive, you have to be VERY careful - it can escalate before a new behaviour is learned.
Secondly, although our reactions can shape behaviours in others we are not responsible for the learning which has already taken place in their lives, that learning can provide an internal reward - this can be very true of extreme anger. When a person reaches the state that adrenaline is realeased into the body they can learn to enjoy it, like those who do extreme sports. People who learn they can get this feeling through 'rages' may be internally rewarded by the chemicals released into their own body. The adrenaline may take away feeling of 'smallness', 'inadequacy' and powerlessness - it might not be dependant on another response.
Saying the above still leaves the original post as true - but where there's ANY abuse I think what I've written is a useful add on. Be VERY careful.
All of this is based on basic behaviourism - I'll happily reference a response to any specific question about it but it comes from generalised knowledge so I can't ref the whole thing.
There's a couple of things I would add to it though. When you stop responding to negative behaviour that has previously been rewarded by your response (response might be - giving in, silence, attention, etc) then the behaviour might at first go up.
Think of yourself trying to get into a car with a frozen lock. You try the key - it won't budge, the first thing you do is try the same learned behaviour harder, only after a few attempts do you change tactic.
Because of this IF the behaviour you're trying to change in how another person treats you is abusive, or likely to turn (especially physically) abusive, you have to be VERY careful - it can escalate before a new behaviour is learned.
Secondly, although our reactions can shape behaviours in others we are not responsible for the learning which has already taken place in their lives, that learning can provide an internal reward - this can be very true of extreme anger. When a person reaches the state that adrenaline is realeased into the body they can learn to enjoy it, like those who do extreme sports. People who learn they can get this feeling through 'rages' may be internally rewarded by the chemicals released into their own body. The adrenaline may take away feeling of 'smallness', 'inadequacy' and powerlessness - it might not be dependant on another response.
Saying the above still leaves the original post as true - but where there's ANY abuse I think what I've written is a useful add on. Be VERY careful.
All of this is based on basic behaviourism - I'll happily reference a response to any specific question about it but it comes from generalised knowledge so I can't ref the whole thing.
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