Intro and hard night
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Midwest USA
Posts: 9
Intro and hard night
Hi,
I wanted to introduce myself as a new poster. I am Marg, and my husband is a recovering alcoholic/drug addict. He will be sober six months next week. We have been married for 4 years, but separated the last year. I left him a year ago, with our 4 month old daughter, and moved in with my parents.
I am incredibly fortunate that my h went into recovery for himself and is doing very well. He went to extensive inpatient rehab, both for addiction and mental health issues. He is now living in a sober house, 5 hours away from my daughter and I. I am also fortunate to have my parents support, as they took my d and I in.
I guess I am struggling with the fact that I still love my h very much, but it seems that he has moved on. Or I guess he is just living a very different life. He sees our d only every 6 weeks or so, and has basically missed the first 18 months of her life. In my head I know he is doing the right thing, and is around the right people, but it just hurts that it isn't me. I was the one who tried so hard to help him all those years he was using. I put up with his verbal assaults, late nights. I paid the bills, I kept the house running, etc. Now I feel he is sober, but is still living life on easy street, with no responsibilities. He does have a part time job. But his parents pay his car payment, he pays nothing towards our daughter. He is basically living in a sober frat house, as I see it.
I just couldn't sleep last night, and could not stop my mind from racing. Wondering if he is seeing someone else, if he is ever returning to his family. It just sucks that I got stuck with this evil addict for 3 1/2 years, and when he turns back to a warm, loving, fun person again, he doesn't want to be with me any more. I don't know if I want to be with him because I love him again, or because I miss a relationship. He says he loves me and will always love me, but is scared to be with me. He thinks he will let me down again.
I have really enjoyed this site, and reading about others who have walked in my shoes. I wish I had this when I was really in the muck of it while he was using. He kept it hidden, and I basically just thought he was a nutjob. I don't know what I thought, but I didn't think he was an alcoholic or addict! Denial maybe?
Anyway, just had a sad night and am trying to get myself up this morning. A smiley little girl helps a ton. Thanks for listening/reading.
Marg
I wanted to introduce myself as a new poster. I am Marg, and my husband is a recovering alcoholic/drug addict. He will be sober six months next week. We have been married for 4 years, but separated the last year. I left him a year ago, with our 4 month old daughter, and moved in with my parents.
I am incredibly fortunate that my h went into recovery for himself and is doing very well. He went to extensive inpatient rehab, both for addiction and mental health issues. He is now living in a sober house, 5 hours away from my daughter and I. I am also fortunate to have my parents support, as they took my d and I in.
I guess I am struggling with the fact that I still love my h very much, but it seems that he has moved on. Or I guess he is just living a very different life. He sees our d only every 6 weeks or so, and has basically missed the first 18 months of her life. In my head I know he is doing the right thing, and is around the right people, but it just hurts that it isn't me. I was the one who tried so hard to help him all those years he was using. I put up with his verbal assaults, late nights. I paid the bills, I kept the house running, etc. Now I feel he is sober, but is still living life on easy street, with no responsibilities. He does have a part time job. But his parents pay his car payment, he pays nothing towards our daughter. He is basically living in a sober frat house, as I see it.
I just couldn't sleep last night, and could not stop my mind from racing. Wondering if he is seeing someone else, if he is ever returning to his family. It just sucks that I got stuck with this evil addict for 3 1/2 years, and when he turns back to a warm, loving, fun person again, he doesn't want to be with me any more. I don't know if I want to be with him because I love him again, or because I miss a relationship. He says he loves me and will always love me, but is scared to be with me. He thinks he will let me down again.
I have really enjoyed this site, and reading about others who have walked in my shoes. I wish I had this when I was really in the muck of it while he was using. He kept it hidden, and I basically just thought he was a nutjob. I don't know what I thought, but I didn't think he was an alcoholic or addict! Denial maybe?
Anyway, just had a sad night and am trying to get myself up this morning. A smiley little girl helps a ton. Thanks for listening/reading.
Marg
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
hey(((marg)))
I think one of the most empowering things we can do as people who have and are living with active addiction is to realize that our own behaviors have played a part in the chaos and take responsibility for our roles.
You know it has occured to me that my H would have probably never been actracted to me in the first place had he not seen on some level that I was codie as hell. A woman who wasn't codie would never have put up with his stuff in the first place.
I hope that you are working to clean up your own behaviors so that you will not actract another active addict or that if things do work out with you and your H you won't be in the postition of enabling him again.
Maybe you might want to think about getting some kind of order for support because if you don't you are still enabling him to not take responsibility for his child maybe he needs to see that you will not enable him anymore..before he can think about being together with you again...it does seem that his parents are playing the enabling game with him by making his car payment for him. But the only behaviors you can change are your own...
I think one of the most empowering things we can do as people who have and are living with active addiction is to realize that our own behaviors have played a part in the chaos and take responsibility for our roles.
You know it has occured to me that my H would have probably never been actracted to me in the first place had he not seen on some level that I was codie as hell. A woman who wasn't codie would never have put up with his stuff in the first place.
I hope that you are working to clean up your own behaviors so that you will not actract another active addict or that if things do work out with you and your H you won't be in the postition of enabling him again.
Maybe you might want to think about getting some kind of order for support because if you don't you are still enabling him to not take responsibility for his child maybe he needs to see that you will not enable him anymore..before he can think about being together with you again...it does seem that his parents are playing the enabling game with him by making his car payment for him. But the only behaviors you can change are your own...
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Anaheim,CA
Posts: 549
Welcome, Marg! You are right, here you are among friends who really understand.
Have you attended al-anon or nar-anon? There's a wealth of knowledge there and things to learn that will help you with every aspect of your life, not just in your marriage.
And speaking of your marriage, have you two thought of couples counseling? It might be a way for you two to explore your future with a neutral party...and help both of you sort out your feelings. Just a thought.
I do hope we'll see more of you here! I for one would love to get to know you. (((Marg))) Welcome!
Have you attended al-anon or nar-anon? There's a wealth of knowledge there and things to learn that will help you with every aspect of your life, not just in your marriage.
And speaking of your marriage, have you two thought of couples counseling? It might be a way for you two to explore your future with a neutral party...and help both of you sort out your feelings. Just a thought.
I do hope we'll see more of you here! I for one would love to get to know you. (((Marg))) Welcome!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 2,333
Welcome Marg....Glad you are here!
Splendra...you are so right. A few years ago I would never have even given my exA a second look let alone second, third , fourth and so on chances. I have been doing much self reflection and care in order to never be in that situation again. But you are so right most of us need to look at our part in the madness....
Marg....please do check out alanon as Irene (walking the line) suggested and by all means keep coming back here....
Splendra...you are so right. A few years ago I would never have even given my exA a second look let alone second, third , fourth and so on chances. I have been doing much self reflection and care in order to never be in that situation again. But you are so right most of us need to look at our part in the madness....
Marg....please do check out alanon as Irene (walking the line) suggested and by all means keep coming back here....
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
Welcome to SR Marg.... Im sorry your hurting *hugs*
I do know exactally how you feel. My ex-abf was sober a month when he told me he did not love me anymore and 2 weeks before X-mas with $500.00 I was moving my daughter and myself into an apt. He was having an affair with someone that "understood" him in AA. God that hurt so much, someone that understood him Pffff
There is not alot I can tell you other then my experience... and what Al-anon has taught me. During the first year or two in recovery they are still in the "fog" as they call it. My ex also has a group of friends in AA and spends all his time with them, its his whole world. I was sooooo jealous, angry, hurt I could go on and on but the bottom line is I was only hurting myself. He has/had nothing to offer me, he could not love me and he could not give me what I deserve. That is not a negative to him, he is just not able. Like asking a man to walk that has not legs. Im guessing your AH is much the same.... you will have to learn to let go of that hon, it will eat you alive. I felt just like you do... why did I get the crap and not the reward.
Well here is what I have come up with 8 months later. God was taking very good care of me. He removed me from that situation probably cuz I could not have delt with it... or maybe I was just given grace and mercy, either way I thank him everyday that I dont have to walk through it with him and that my daughter does not have to either. He would have continued to lie, cheat and be hurtful because that is who he is right now... even if he is not drinking.... does not change the behavior and that would have hurt me worse.
Please focus on you, maybe go to some Al-anon meetings and do alot of reading. Maybe look at this different and thank God for doing for you what you could not do for yourself, I know it hurts but maybe ... just maybe he is saving you from much more pain. Who knows what could have happened.
*hugs*
I do know exactally how you feel. My ex-abf was sober a month when he told me he did not love me anymore and 2 weeks before X-mas with $500.00 I was moving my daughter and myself into an apt. He was having an affair with someone that "understood" him in AA. God that hurt so much, someone that understood him Pffff
There is not alot I can tell you other then my experience... and what Al-anon has taught me. During the first year or two in recovery they are still in the "fog" as they call it. My ex also has a group of friends in AA and spends all his time with them, its his whole world. I was sooooo jealous, angry, hurt I could go on and on but the bottom line is I was only hurting myself. He has/had nothing to offer me, he could not love me and he could not give me what I deserve. That is not a negative to him, he is just not able. Like asking a man to walk that has not legs. Im guessing your AH is much the same.... you will have to learn to let go of that hon, it will eat you alive. I felt just like you do... why did I get the crap and not the reward.
Well here is what I have come up with 8 months later. God was taking very good care of me. He removed me from that situation probably cuz I could not have delt with it... or maybe I was just given grace and mercy, either way I thank him everyday that I dont have to walk through it with him and that my daughter does not have to either. He would have continued to lie, cheat and be hurtful because that is who he is right now... even if he is not drinking.... does not change the behavior and that would have hurt me worse.
Please focus on you, maybe go to some Al-anon meetings and do alot of reading. Maybe look at this different and thank God for doing for you what you could not do for yourself, I know it hurts but maybe ... just maybe he is saving you from much more pain. Who knows what could have happened.
*hugs*
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Midwest USA
Posts: 9
Thank you all for your replies. I have been doing a lot of focusing on myself, and owning up to my part of his addiction. I definitely was an enabler, and it was my choice to stay with him while he was treating me like crap. I could have left at any time. As soon as I left him a year ago I started reading codie books, and trying to better myself. I recognized the behaviors and attitudes in myself immediately. Then while H was in rehab, I went through their family program, which turned me on to al-anon. Unfortunately, I have only been to one meeting. I have the whole guilt complex of working full-time, and not spending enough time with my daughter, so don't want to take time away from her at night. I am beginning to realize that is an excuse, and that my d will benefit from me taking care of myself. So my goal is to go at least once a week.
Splendra, you are so right. I am sure my H only stayed with me because of my codependencies. I am working hard to change that about myself. Not dating any time soon though, not even looking!!!
Marg
Splendra, you are so right. I am sure my H only stayed with me because of my codependencies. I am working hard to change that about myself. Not dating any time soon though, not even looking!!!
Marg
Alcohol is a cruel mistress!!!
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: crownpoint newyork
Posts: 820
Wecome to SR, This group has been a godsend for me and it can be for you too!! You lived apart now for quite awhile. I would try counseling to try to reconnect. You might ask him honestly if he wants to save your marriage. You seem in the dark about it. Your lucky you have such supportive family, many on here don't. Keeping working on you! Kerry
Member
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 763
Hey! Who stole my ducks?!!! I was looking at the response above and saying to myself: "I don't remember writing that." wish I had though Kerry-good comments.
Marg, you sound like a terrific person-I think your husband has gotten the better end of this deal so far. Given time, and sobriety, he may shape/reshape himself into the person who deserves you. Right on about giving your time to your daughter.
Hugs,
Gianna
Marg, you sound like a terrific person-I think your husband has gotten the better end of this deal so far. Given time, and sobriety, he may shape/reshape himself into the person who deserves you. Right on about giving your time to your daughter.
Hugs,
Gianna
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