So when do I get to say he's in recovery?
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Join Date: Oct 2004
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So when do I get to say he's in recovery?
Apologies for the second post but I had to ask, maybe 'cos we've had a lovely evening, maybe 'cos D is fulfilling the first of his agreements.
When do I get to say he's 'in recovery' or recovering?
He's attending his sessions and I know we're going about things a different route but it isn't one with no structure or committment. He isn't drrinking and is doing stuff.
So as I have friends here and as what you think holds as much weight with me as a book or counsellor. Is he in recovery now?
When do I get to say he's 'in recovery' or recovering?
He's attending his sessions and I know we're going about things a different route but it isn't one with no structure or committment. He isn't drrinking and is doing stuff.
So as I have friends here and as what you think holds as much weight with me as a book or counsellor. Is he in recovery now?
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Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
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Well Im not expert..
But I would say YEP.... he is trying, he has admitted the problem, he is not drinking and working a program that you two have decided to use.
Maybe its baby steps but sounds like recovery to me!
But I would say YEP.... he is trying, he has admitted the problem, he is not drinking and working a program that you two have decided to use.
Maybe its baby steps but sounds like recovery to me!
Searching and tripping
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Back in my head
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Happy to say D has started his recovery. So has Equus. Isn't that grand.
Please keep us posted on the methods used. I'm finding all of this very interesting and enlightening.
Love you both
Please keep us posted on the methods used. I'm finding all of this very interesting and enlightening.
Love you both
All I can say is one big dancing banana!! 
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My need to recover got summed up very well yeserday by D. We each had to address our own needs and my biggest one was to have some sense that D will do what he says he will, some continuity, security. I was trying to describe why that mattered so much right now - even down to the details, but I couldn't do it without crying.
D said I needed to recover from the emotional kicking of the past months and the emotional weight of this over the last year or so. That made so much sense to me, I was so relieved to hear it said like that - I hadn't been able to find the words for it!
You're probably right that stuff will get spewed all over here - it's embarassing for me to be quite so verbose!
I kind of hope that through my constant stream of waffle something in this very different way might help someone else (in the whole 'take what you want' perspective). I think we're very lucky to have this on offer, if we were living somewhere rural I doubt this would be an option.
D said I needed to recover from the emotional kicking of the past months and the emotional weight of this over the last year or so. That made so much sense to me, I was so relieved to hear it said like that - I hadn't been able to find the words for it!
You're probably right that stuff will get spewed all over here - it's embarassing for me to be quite so verbose!
I kind of hope that through my constant stream of waffle something in this very different way might help someone else (in the whole 'take what you want' perspective). I think we're very lucky to have this on offer, if we were living somewhere rural I doubt this would be an option.
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Join Date: May 2005
Location: Upstate NY
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I don't know Equus... I'd say that D has been in "recovery" for alot longer than just the past few weeks. I think he's been aware and trying (in his own way) to beat the disease. That to me is recovery as well. Admitting that there is a problem is a huge step.
This statement concerns me, Equus. To me it sounds like you are making your recovery dependent on D's. I did that for so long. I'd say, "If B tells me he won't drink and doesn't actually drink, then I'll be happy." The problem with that was when he drank (which is likely to happen even in good, healthy, hard-working recovery!), I would cease being happy. I made my emotions dependent on his actions. That set us both up for defeat and major frustrations. Alcoholics feel guilty enough for their behavior, they don't need us throwing more at them. D is certainly trying, and he may not always get it "right", but I don't think he needs the extra pressure of you saying, "I need you to do what you say you will." Again, I think he's going to have enough of his own guilt, I don't think he needs the guilt of knowing he's dissappointing you as well.
It's just a thought, something that came to mind when I read that statement... please take what you like and leave the rest!! I really want to see you both succeed, nothing would make any of us happier than for you two to find peace and joy in your lives! We are all here cheering you on!
:-) Shannon
my biggest one was to have some sense that D will do what he says he will, some continuity, security.
It's just a thought, something that came to mind when I read that statement... please take what you like and leave the rest!! I really want to see you both succeed, nothing would make any of us happier than for you two to find peace and joy in your lives! We are all here cheering you on!
:-) Shannon
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It's a good point!! I know what you mean but the context might help. We were talking about the needs/expectations of the other as a partner and what they can do to help us through our early stages.
For D it was for me to understand even breaking a habit was hard never mind an addiction. My need from him as a partner was to do as he says he will - but that HE controls what he agrees to - I haven't asked him not to drink!
I realise it's very different, neither of us are trying to recover alone, we are trying to recover as individuals within a strong partnership - and that means communicating what the other can do to help rather than leaving them to mind read.
He can't make me happy - but if he showers everyday, if he tidy's the plates, if he finishes the email to his brother, if he begins to take a lead in getting better it supports me in my own journey.
For D it was for me to understand even breaking a habit was hard never mind an addiction. My need from him as a partner was to do as he says he will - but that HE controls what he agrees to - I haven't asked him not to drink!
I realise it's very different, neither of us are trying to recover alone, we are trying to recover as individuals within a strong partnership - and that means communicating what the other can do to help rather than leaving them to mind read.
He can't make me happy - but if he showers everyday, if he tidy's the plates, if he finishes the email to his brother, if he begins to take a lead in getting better it supports me in my own journey.
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Join Date: May 2005
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He can't make me happy - but if he showers everyday, if he tidy's the plates, if he finishes the email to his brother, if he begins to take a lead in getting better it supports me in my own journey.
I know for me there was alot of fear in really working Step One - Admitting we are powerless over alcohol and that our lives had become unmanageable. I was so afraid to let go of B's "reins". But if I kept holding on to his, I had no hands to hold my own. My horse (or my life, if you will) was totally out of control, meanwhile B's was bucking me because I wasn't the one who was suppose to be guiding it! I didn't trust him enough to give him back the reins. I was afraid of where he was going to go, how he was going to act, etc.
I've released my grips, on the alcohol at least, and I've learned that he's not as helpless as I once assumed. He'll figure it out on his own, I'm pretty confident of that now. I have witnessed his horse dancing near the edges of cliffs, and I've wanted to run over and grab the reins, but then I snap out of it and realize that I have not been paying attention to my own horse, and that is all I can control.
I hope you have some lovely plans for the weekend!
:-) Shannon
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It's a bit clumsy but I suppose the nearest match between the two perspectives is that the love between us is our higher power. It is strong and quite likely more powerful than each of us as individuals.
BUT I never have believed myself powerless and I doubt I ever will. I CAN'T control it, but power comes in degrees from the slightest influence to a holding force, D influences my happiness as does his drinking - he doesn't control it but there is an influence. I influence his recovery too - I don't control it but there is an influence.
Our counsellor said that the bond between us was evidently strong and that she would far rather utalise that as an asset than act in any way to dismantle it. The process we've chosen allows that to be the case.
It sure as hell engaged D into the process!!
BUT I never have believed myself powerless and I doubt I ever will. I CAN'T control it, but power comes in degrees from the slightest influence to a holding force, D influences my happiness as does his drinking - he doesn't control it but there is an influence. I influence his recovery too - I don't control it but there is an influence.
Our counsellor said that the bond between us was evidently strong and that she would far rather utalise that as an asset than act in any way to dismantle it. The process we've chosen allows that to be the case.
It sure as hell engaged D into the process!!
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I was so afraid to let go of B's "reins". But if I kept holding on to his, I had no hands to hold my own. My horse (or my life, if you will) was totally out of control, meanwhile B's was bucking me because I wasn't the one who was suppose to be guiding it! I didn't trust him enough to give him back the reins. I was afraid of where he was going to go, how he was going to act, etc.
equus - you can waffle away to us any time!
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my biggest one was to have some sense that D will do what he says he will, some continuity, security.
that the person will act true to their real nature... not the addictive one...
When we have the substance more important than the person,.. the other person will see, feel this.. in many small way.. and some big blatent ones....
This is an issue for me too Equus....
Say what you mean.. and mean what you say...
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I think it has lots to do with us both regaining integerity and understanding.
I suppose it's a little of making ammends thrown in - for both of us. It gives us a chance to turn guilt into something the other one will find helpful - and to leave the decision about what is really helpful to the reciever not the giver.
The thing is whether I want it that way or not D already knows it hurt me - at least now he knows what can help. I already know my stuff has hurt him but now I also know what I can do to help.
I hope this is starting to make at least some sense! We had nearly a two hour session so it's still very condensed here.
I suppose it's a little of making ammends thrown in - for both of us. It gives us a chance to turn guilt into something the other one will find helpful - and to leave the decision about what is really helpful to the reciever not the giver.
The thing is whether I want it that way or not D already knows it hurt me - at least now he knows what can help. I already know my stuff has hurt him but now I also know what I can do to help.
I hope this is starting to make at least some sense! We had nearly a two hour session so it's still very condensed here.
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LOL!! I should have thought twice before using that analogy with a horse rider!!! DOH!
Okay, another one that I really like... I picture myself walking around the house picking up all of his "mess", but in doing so, I get my arms so full that I don't have time to pick up my own stuff!! As I start to put his stuff down, I find that I have time/energy to get my own things done!
Absolutely! I like that... and going back to the horse riding (LOL!)... if you're each on your own horses riding together, you might take turns leading and following... but your individual direction, speed, etc does have an influence on how the other person rides!
You've definetely got me thinking about your approach. Thinking about how I could possible apply the concepts to my own recovery!
:-) Shannon
Okay, another one that I really like... I picture myself walking around the house picking up all of his "mess", but in doing so, I get my arms so full that I don't have time to pick up my own stuff!! As I start to put his stuff down, I find that I have time/energy to get my own things done!
D influences my happiness as does his drinking - he doesn't control it but there is an influence. I influence his recovery too - I don't control it but there is an influence.
You've definetely got me thinking about your approach. Thinking about how I could possible apply the concepts to my own recovery!
:-) Shannon
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I had to stick this in! Right ways and wrong ways are often not that simple but underlying things like honesty and effort I think are often what makes real change happen.
I can't for the life of me remember what we're doing is called. It's 'Task centered..... or task orientated..... - something or other.
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Please never worry about how much or what you post.
You are SUCH an inspiration to me, you actually help me to want to trust again and that is saying alot. To see the kind of love you share is amazing to me since I dont think I have ever had this. Whatever works for you works, who says it has to be like everyone else's recovery. I dont know if there are right and wrong ways to go about handling all this.... the important thing is that its being delt with
You are SUCH an inspiration to me, you actually help me to want to trust again and that is saying alot. To see the kind of love you share is amazing to me since I dont think I have ever had this. Whatever works for you works, who says it has to be like everyone else's recovery. I dont know if there are right and wrong ways to go about handling all this.... the important thing is that its being delt with
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