Advice Needed

Old 08-10-2005, 04:36 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: West Chester, PA
Posts: 3
Advice Needed

Hi - this is my first time on any board. I am a 29 yr old mother of three young children. I became a stay at home mom after I gave birth to my first child 4 years ago. I have been with my husband since I was a teenager. Shortly after we bought our home in the late 90's he started drinking. It was gradual at first but quickly became worse. I guilt myself often for not having the strength to leave then before bringing innocent children into the mix. In the middle of this my mother died who was my best friend. He actually stopped for about a year and I was thrilled, only then to find out that he had replaced that addiction with a painkiller addiction. He only admitted it to me after the person he had been getting them from stopped receiving them. Now without them he seems to be starting to slowly drift back into drinking again. I am tired of the constant broken promises, the depression that I feel as a result of all of this..I am just tired. I still love him very much but I don't even have the hope of him ever getting well anymore and feel it is unfair to my children and myself too. I know I am like a lot of other women out there who would love to leave but feel trapped because of finances. I don't work and can't work because I have three children under the age of 4 and daycare is not a possibility because of the expense. I have no siblings and all of my family live far away so I cannot rely on their help. My question to anyone out there is does anyone have any ideas/suggestions on how someone in my "trapped" way of life can leave?? I am tired of loving more than I feel I am being loved is an empty existence.
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Old 08-10-2005, 04:42 PM
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Cynay's Avatar
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
Welcome to SR.... We are glad you found us.

I dont have much advise on how to leave the situation but .....

I can suggest Al-anon, getting yourself some support so you dont feel so alone in all this. Its a crazy disease and the longer you try to work on it alone the crazier it will make you. The only person you can help is yourself, and in turn that will help your children.

We really do understand the feelings, and many more will come to post soon who might have more insight then I do.
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Old 08-10-2005, 04:48 PM
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Holding The Father's Hand
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Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Oregon
Posts: 96

When I left my ex-husband, I had no job, no money in the bank, and an eviction notice on my front door. The first thing I did was contact my church. They had food supplies and clothing closets. I also filled out emergency paperwork with the welfare department. If you can get to speak to an actual person, much of the time, they will help you to get daycare set up (they will pay for it) and give you job training so you can find a job. They can also help with temporary housing until you can get a place of your own. When you talk to them, ask them for the number for the local Women's Crisis Hotline or Center. Even if you aren't being abused, physically, they understand how damaging alcoholism is and can help.

Feel free to PM me if you have anymore questions. I'll do my best to help. Hang in there. I'm lifting you and your family up in prayers.
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Old 08-10-2005, 05:46 PM
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the girl can't help it
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Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,596

Welcome! Glad you made it. I hope you will try to make some alanon meetings. They really can help you get your brains out of hock and life on track plus they may also be a good place to find more resources in your area.

CLF also seems to have some good ideas about what you can do as well. At any rate what ever you do try to keep the focus on yourself and do by all means take as good a careof yourself as you possibly can...
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Old 08-10-2005, 05:59 PM
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Alcohol is a cruel mistress!!!
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: crownpoint newyork
Posts: 820
I too am a stay at home Mom. If I leave my husband I would have to go back to work. I'm really not willing to give up the time with them. Aside from that I have kids in 2 different school districts so I am a taxi service twice a day. My life is pretty much drama free but 15 years of this has taken its toll. I entertaining the idea of leaving but the cost to our way of life would be too great. Keep coming back and sharing it does help. Kerry
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Old 08-11-2005, 10:39 AM
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Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Anaheim,CA
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Welcome, Angel!

Have you considered going back to school? If you had a long-range plan, imagine, you could be a stay-at-home mom and a part-time student! By the time the children were ready for school, you could be ready to step into the world with the knowledge to enter a good job.

I second the motion about al-anon...what a great way to learn some great lessons.

We're here for you. Post away. Ask questions. Read. This is a wonderful place full of love and ideas!

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Old 08-29-2005, 08:02 PM
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: West Chester, PA
Posts: 3
Things are still bad

Well, it's the rollercoaster rides again. My husband told me he was ready to seek help and wanted to go see a therapist. I of course was very supportive and felt my hopes getting up even though I have been through this with him before. Sure enough after two weeks of sobriety he picked an argument over the phone from work today and isn't home as I write this. I called him on his phone and can tell he has been drinking with his brother. He hung up on me - nice huh? I know it is not about me but I cannot help but feel so unloved. I have been so loving, forgiving and supportive and it is just one slap in the face after another. I get so angry about our little children and how selfish he is for not realizing the seriousness he needs to have about getting better because of the responsibility he owes to himself and to them as their protector. I sit here all alone, hiding my tears from them and dying inside. I feel so trapped in this situation. No job, no family and he knows it and I know he gets off on it a little that I have no where to go. I keep thinking I will leave when my youngest is in school but that is 4 years from now....I will be nuts by then. I know everyone says leave leave leave. It is not so simple. I go over all of these ideas in my head of how and am left with nothing concrete. On top of that I still love him which makes me feel like the biggest doormat in the world. You ask yourself why?? Why do you love him?? I would love to go to Al anon but with my 3 little ones it is not possible. What will make him realize this for himself?? I feel like I am constantly being punished for trying to be a loving wife and a good person. I know this sounds like me me me me but in my life of always worrying about HIM and his problems it is a bit of a relief to talk about me on here. Does anyone out here live a life like this? I would love to hear from you.
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Old 08-30-2005, 11:27 AM
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Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812

I use to live like that.. and not only was it painful, but if was SO unhealthy for my daughter. I do understand how you feel and that feeling of being stuck.

Unfortunally the same thing holds true for you that holds true for your husband.... No one will get help till they hit "their bottom" ... Its a hard life to live and it only gets worse. As his disease progresses so will yours and the crazier life will become. There is no sugar coating it....

Often what works for me is figuring out what I want. What is the end result of what I want (without trying to control another) just for you... then work backwards. Instead of starting with the problem, start with the soultion and work backwards. Alot of Alanon meetings have babysitting, or maybe switch babysitting with a neighbor... just things like that might help.
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