"Predictable meant safe"
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: DooDooville, USA
Posts: 453
"Predictable meant safe"
"It's possible to change our lives dramatically by a simple decision to at least be open to something new"-----Melody Beattie
I was reading in Melody's book, "Choices" today in a chapter named "She Saw A Monster in Her Room". And, it really struck home with me about how I felt in my old relationship with my ex H whom was abusive. The 8yrs I spent with him, besides the births of my two beautiful children, were complete hell. Every day. And, I'm sure that alot of people can relate to this even if you're not with an abusive H or SO cuz A's can be this way, too.
It told about a woman, Marge, who was waking up to the familiar noise of her H's worsening snoring (because of a heart condition) each day wondering "will he die soon? When will I finally be free?"
How he'd get up in the morning in a foul mood and usually throw something and call her a nasty name. He'd scream for lunch, then for dinner, have two drinks by 8PM, then he'd go to bed for the night. She'd have two or three hours to herself which she loved, but didn't dare get too sleepy because sleeping in "wasn't allowed" in her house by her H.
This is how her life was. Predictable. Predictable meant safe. She knew what to expect and she was strong. She could cope.
But, Marge realized that she wasn't just waiting for him to die, she was watching the clock tick until her death, too.
She decided to change. She went to a therapist while she was supposed to be out shopping. Next, she found a job,bought a car, moved into her own place. Each step into the unknown led to a new life. It felt strange and uncomfortable at first. But, she could now tell any one that if she could do it, so could they.
She was 71 yrs old the day she wokeup, saw the monster in her bedroom and stepped into the unknown.
---------------------------------------------------------
I cannot tell you how much that story reflected my life at age 16-24. I accepted the hell I was in. I was raised with "you made your bed, now you gotta lie in it". I left home at 16, my choice. I didn't know what I was getting myself into with the abuse.....that came later, but when it did, even though I hated going to High School with two black eyes on occasion and having to lie about it, I accepted it.
We don't have to accept that. We can do what Marge did at age 71. Step into the unknown and have faith, one foot in front of the other and eventually it will lead us to a whole new totally different, free, enjoyable life.
It feels strange, scary and uncomfortable, but it's a new start that stops the cycle of us living in abuse/abuse from alcoholism. We just need to be open to something new.
I was reading in Melody's book, "Choices" today in a chapter named "She Saw A Monster in Her Room". And, it really struck home with me about how I felt in my old relationship with my ex H whom was abusive. The 8yrs I spent with him, besides the births of my two beautiful children, were complete hell. Every day. And, I'm sure that alot of people can relate to this even if you're not with an abusive H or SO cuz A's can be this way, too.
It told about a woman, Marge, who was waking up to the familiar noise of her H's worsening snoring (because of a heart condition) each day wondering "will he die soon? When will I finally be free?"
How he'd get up in the morning in a foul mood and usually throw something and call her a nasty name. He'd scream for lunch, then for dinner, have two drinks by 8PM, then he'd go to bed for the night. She'd have two or three hours to herself which she loved, but didn't dare get too sleepy because sleeping in "wasn't allowed" in her house by her H.
This is how her life was. Predictable. Predictable meant safe. She knew what to expect and she was strong. She could cope.
But, Marge realized that she wasn't just waiting for him to die, she was watching the clock tick until her death, too.
She decided to change. She went to a therapist while she was supposed to be out shopping. Next, she found a job,bought a car, moved into her own place. Each step into the unknown led to a new life. It felt strange and uncomfortable at first. But, she could now tell any one that if she could do it, so could they.
She was 71 yrs old the day she wokeup, saw the monster in her bedroom and stepped into the unknown.
---------------------------------------------------------
I cannot tell you how much that story reflected my life at age 16-24. I accepted the hell I was in. I was raised with "you made your bed, now you gotta lie in it". I left home at 16, my choice. I didn't know what I was getting myself into with the abuse.....that came later, but when it did, even though I hated going to High School with two black eyes on occasion and having to lie about it, I accepted it.
We don't have to accept that. We can do what Marge did at age 71. Step into the unknown and have faith, one foot in front of the other and eventually it will lead us to a whole new totally different, free, enjoyable life.
It feels strange, scary and uncomfortable, but it's a new start that stops the cycle of us living in abuse/abuse from alcoholism. We just need to be open to something new.
Holding The Father's Hand
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Oregon
Posts: 96
This post really hit home with me.
I was physically abused in my second marriage. I have always said that the first time he abused me, I was a victim, but after that, I was a volunteer, but that isn't entirely accurate. There is so much emotional abuse that goes along with the physical abuse that the abuser makes the abused feel as if they couldn't make it without them and that leaving would cause more harm.
I was so afraid of the unknown in the outside world that I stayed with what I knew. He beat me up physically and mentally, but I was more afraid of leaving than I was of him. It wasn't until I was lying on the floor with his hand on my throat thinking, "what would happen to my kid if he killed me right now?" that I realized it was time to leave.
The same is true for many of us who live with an Alcoholic. We know what to expect from them. We know their patterns, no matter how painful those patterns are to us. So we stay. The fear of the unknown makes us feel less safe than staying in the unhealthy environment we are in.
I was physically abused in my second marriage. I have always said that the first time he abused me, I was a victim, but after that, I was a volunteer, but that isn't entirely accurate. There is so much emotional abuse that goes along with the physical abuse that the abuser makes the abused feel as if they couldn't make it without them and that leaving would cause more harm.
I was so afraid of the unknown in the outside world that I stayed with what I knew. He beat me up physically and mentally, but I was more afraid of leaving than I was of him. It wasn't until I was lying on the floor with his hand on my throat thinking, "what would happen to my kid if he killed me right now?" that I realized it was time to leave.
The same is true for many of us who live with an Alcoholic. We know what to expect from them. We know their patterns, no matter how painful those patterns are to us. So we stay. The fear of the unknown makes us feel less safe than staying in the unhealthy environment we are in.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Litterbox City
Posts: 5,691
thanks girlfriend - i needed that reminder today with what i am contemplating. i left a physically abusive relationship 26 years ago - 2 suitcases was all i had and i made it. if marge can do it so can we - in our time!
Cruelty-Free
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Body: South Florida Heart: Yosemite National Park
Posts: 914
Originally Posted by Girlfriend
I accepted the hell I was in.
In recovery, I learned the difference between surviving and living. Survival mode is ok when there's a war raging (which, in my family's home, there most certainly always was), but living is what's required all other times. I had problems in the world 'cos I went around using survival skills (the only skills I had) in inappropriate situations where they were perceived as extreme. Someone on SR likened it to using a screwdriver to peel an apple...
Al-Anon taught me skills I could use to live, rather than survive. No matter the external circumstances of my life (which, thankfully, have improved immensely), the inner war is over for today. And today I choose to live!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: The sunny southwest
Posts: 97
This is so true. I stayed with my emotionally abusive bf for 7 long years. He told me if I left, I'd never find anybody who would love me for me. If I lost weight, anybody who wanted to date me would only want me for my body - they would never bother to get to know me and love me the way he did (thank God for THAT one ! 
) I stayed so long because in a twisted way I was comfortable. I believed the multitude of lies he told me and allowed my self-esteem to be severely damaged. The guy was a nutjob. Leaving him was the best thing I've ever done. Even though it was hard at first because I was broke and had to work 2 jobs to (barely) make ends meet - I still think that my life has done nothing but improve since leaving him.
) I stayed so long because in a twisted way I was comfortable. I believed the multitude of lies he told me and allowed my self-esteem to be severely damaged. The guy was a nutjob. Leaving him was the best thing I've ever done. Even though it was hard at first because I was broke and had to work 2 jobs to (barely) make ends meet - I still think that my life has done nothing but improve since leaving him.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: Home
Posts: 338
I think I've seen you talk about this "Choices" book a few times now and it's always sounded like a good book. I hadn't heard about it before. I think I will put on my glasses and try to figure out the library and check it out :- )
Reikihelps
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: PA
Posts: 221
"It's possible to change our lives dramatically by a simple decision to at least be open to something new"-----Melody Beattie
Thanks GF,
Today I'm going to watch for an opportunity to practice this.
((fondly))
Reikihelps
Thanks GF,
Today I'm going to watch for an opportunity to practice this.
((fondly))
Reikihelps
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
