Am I Controlling or Realistic?
Holding The Father's Hand
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Oregon
Posts: 96
Am I Controlling or Realistic?
I ask that you pull no punches in your responses. I'm new to recovery and have never been to a face to face Al-Anon meeting only online ones and reading literature on my own.
First, a bit of background. My AH got his first DUII in March. I called the police on him because he had already had two pints of Vodka and was beligerant as he drove out of our driveway on a Saturday afternoon. I was scared for him and for the neighborhood children. Part of him still blames me for this. His license was suspended. I began kicking him out of the house whenever he got mean and beligerant in May. Thus, the second DUII. I kicked him out one night, and he got picked up for Driving while suspended and DUII. They impounded his car.
He called his parents, and they agreed to get the car out of impound if he sold it and used the money to pay him back. We sold the car and got $3000 for it. After paying his parents, the rest of the money was suppose to pay for his fines and for his bankruptcy for bills that were his from his first marriage.
He has been sober for two weeks tomorrow. On his last binge, he disappeared for three days (which he has never done before). He woke up from his blackout somewhere in the woods with an angry dog attacking him. In the process, he lost $500 in cash. Some of it paid for his binge, while the rest he left up in the woods somewhere.
He has been going to AA for a couple of months, and now thinks everything between us should be hunky dory, and I should completely trust him..yadda yadda yadda.
The first DUII, he pleaded guilty to. The second, he has asked for a jury trial, but in my opinion, he will be found guilty as well.
In the midst of all this, our landlord has sold the house we are living in, and our rent will most likely be raised to an amount higher than we can afford. We are renting at a reduced rent amount because the old landlord was a friend of mine. We will probably have to move within the next month or so. This brings us to our current situation...
This morning, my AH told me that he wants to go look at a truck today for him to take to work in back just in case the DMV approves his hardship license. It is $1600 which will take most of our savings. I didn't respond at all because I knew I didn't have nice things to say. Since I didn't respond, he confronted me about it.
I said that I thought it would be best if we waited until we found out if we had to move before we spent the money in our savings on a truck for him. He got all bent out of shape about it and said that I was just being controlling. I told him that it wasn't a control thing. I was just trying to look at the big picture and make sure that the whole family is taken care of. Oh, and of course, I had to throw in some words about everything doesn't have to always be about him. He continued to go on about how it would benefit all of us if he got a truck because I wouldn't have to take him to work anymore. I told him that I didn't mind taking him to work. Oh, and of course, I had to throw in some words about everything doesn't have to always be about him. We are all a team, and until we are financially able to both move and buy him a truck, I would be happy to continue taking him to work. Of course, that wasn't taken very well. Oh, and of course, I had to throw in some words about everything doesn't have to always be about him.
Our conversation ended with him saying that he never should've put the money from his car in a joint account. He should've put it somewhere that only he could get access to it. I said, "yeah, I forgot that the money I make is 'ours' and your money is just 'yours', go ahead and spend it on whatever you want. I'll find a way to pay for a move if we need to move." Then I walked off.
I'm sure there is a way I could've dealt with this better. I just don't know what I could've done. I guess I should just let him do whatever he wants with the money as long as he isn't drinking, but I'm so scared that he is going to lose his job again (he's gone through four in six months), and I'm going to end up trying to support all of us again. He has only been sober for two weeks. If the rent goes up and we don't have money to move, I can't afford this place on my own. I can barely afford it on my own with the current rent.
So what do you all think? Any input?
First, a bit of background. My AH got his first DUII in March. I called the police on him because he had already had two pints of Vodka and was beligerant as he drove out of our driveway on a Saturday afternoon. I was scared for him and for the neighborhood children. Part of him still blames me for this. His license was suspended. I began kicking him out of the house whenever he got mean and beligerant in May. Thus, the second DUII. I kicked him out one night, and he got picked up for Driving while suspended and DUII. They impounded his car.
He called his parents, and they agreed to get the car out of impound if he sold it and used the money to pay him back. We sold the car and got $3000 for it. After paying his parents, the rest of the money was suppose to pay for his fines and for his bankruptcy for bills that were his from his first marriage.
He has been sober for two weeks tomorrow. On his last binge, he disappeared for three days (which he has never done before). He woke up from his blackout somewhere in the woods with an angry dog attacking him. In the process, he lost $500 in cash. Some of it paid for his binge, while the rest he left up in the woods somewhere.
He has been going to AA for a couple of months, and now thinks everything between us should be hunky dory, and I should completely trust him..yadda yadda yadda.
The first DUII, he pleaded guilty to. The second, he has asked for a jury trial, but in my opinion, he will be found guilty as well.
In the midst of all this, our landlord has sold the house we are living in, and our rent will most likely be raised to an amount higher than we can afford. We are renting at a reduced rent amount because the old landlord was a friend of mine. We will probably have to move within the next month or so. This brings us to our current situation...
This morning, my AH told me that he wants to go look at a truck today for him to take to work in back just in case the DMV approves his hardship license. It is $1600 which will take most of our savings. I didn't respond at all because I knew I didn't have nice things to say. Since I didn't respond, he confronted me about it.
I said that I thought it would be best if we waited until we found out if we had to move before we spent the money in our savings on a truck for him. He got all bent out of shape about it and said that I was just being controlling. I told him that it wasn't a control thing. I was just trying to look at the big picture and make sure that the whole family is taken care of. Oh, and of course, I had to throw in some words about everything doesn't have to always be about him. He continued to go on about how it would benefit all of us if he got a truck because I wouldn't have to take him to work anymore. I told him that I didn't mind taking him to work. Oh, and of course, I had to throw in some words about everything doesn't have to always be about him. We are all a team, and until we are financially able to both move and buy him a truck, I would be happy to continue taking him to work. Of course, that wasn't taken very well. Oh, and of course, I had to throw in some words about everything doesn't have to always be about him.
Our conversation ended with him saying that he never should've put the money from his car in a joint account. He should've put it somewhere that only he could get access to it. I said, "yeah, I forgot that the money I make is 'ours' and your money is just 'yours', go ahead and spend it on whatever you want. I'll find a way to pay for a move if we need to move." Then I walked off.
I'm sure there is a way I could've dealt with this better. I just don't know what I could've done. I guess I should just let him do whatever he wants with the money as long as he isn't drinking, but I'm so scared that he is going to lose his job again (he's gone through four in six months), and I'm going to end up trying to support all of us again. He has only been sober for two weeks. If the rent goes up and we don't have money to move, I can't afford this place on my own. I can barely afford it on my own with the current rent.
So what do you all think? Any input?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: The sunny southwest
Posts: 97
I don't think you're being controlling at all. I think you made a couple statements that probably would have been left unsaid, but the bottom line I think is like you said - you're looking at the big picture.
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
What a mess! I am so sorry for your situation.
Years ago my alkie husband was a charter boat captain.
He 'needed' a larger voat so as to make more money.
He was making plenty with his paid for one.
I refused to co sign for a bank loan. Ergo...no new boat.
It was all my fault! I was cheap! I was selfish! He was so misunderstood... poor man ... pour him another bottle.
Shortly afterward he became violent and I split
Had I signed I would have been responsible for 50 thousand and I just bet he would have defaulted and stuck me with the debt!
Heck Yes...I controlled my future!
All that to say rhis...keep his money separate from yours. Someone has to keep a home running...with or without a husband.
Blessings...
Years ago my alkie husband was a charter boat captain.
He 'needed' a larger voat so as to make more money.
He was making plenty with his paid for one.
I refused to co sign for a bank loan. Ergo...no new boat.
It was all my fault! I was cheap! I was selfish! He was so misunderstood... poor man ... pour him another bottle.
Shortly afterward he became violent and I split
Had I signed I would have been responsible for 50 thousand and I just bet he would have defaulted and stuck me with the debt!
Heck Yes...I controlled my future!
All that to say rhis...keep his money separate from yours. Someone has to keep a home running...with or without a husband. Blessings...
Alcohol is a cruel mistress!!!
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: crownpoint newyork
Posts: 820
I aggree with you. A roof over your heads has to take priority. I prefer to hold on to our savings just in case. I don't think your being controling at all. Your looking at the big picture!! Kerry
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
Don't feel bad hold your ground. If you know you are going to have to move soon and your savings is all you have to move with maybe now would not be the time for him to get another vehicle....
Holding The Father's Hand
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Oregon
Posts: 96
Originally Posted by walkingtheline
I'm curious why you HAVE to take him to work. He had a license, he chose to drink and drive TWICE and the reality of his actions is he gets his own personal chauffeur?
Actually, I don't <b>have</b> to take him to work. It is my choice. He works ten miles away from our home, and the road is too dangerous for him to take his bicycle so I take him. He goes into work at 6:30, and I go in at 8:00 then he gets off at 3:30 and has to stay at work until 5:30 when I can come and get him.
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