JNS77

Hello all,
I just found this site when researching what the heck I can do to improve my situation. I haven't had a chance yet to read many posts, but I wanted to say hello, and say that from what I can see here I'm certainly not the only one in this boat.

Well, from reading one of the stickys, I see that I am Rescuer, the Martyr, and even on occasion the Provoker. I'm at the end of my rope here.

My significant other of 11 years is an alcoholic. She does not admit to having a "serious" problem, but agreed to take "anitbuse". That actually seemed to help for a while (or so I thought), but after recently seeing her get drunk a mere hour and a half after taking her pill, and finding her empty bottles all over the place (she hides them but I guess when she's drunk sometimes she forgets and leaves them in easy to find spots like right under the drivers side seat in our car) I have a feeling the pills are doing nothing (except costing a small fortune at over $1 a piece for several years)

Anyone have experience with these pills? Do they make stronger ones? Are they just a waste of time?

You know what hurts me the most is not the fact that she drinks, I understand that an alcoholic sometimes can't help it, but its the lying. Its the looking me right in the face and swearing she's had nothing to drink when she clearly is all lit up. And again lying right to my face even after she has sobered up the next day! After 11 years, believe me, I know when she's been drinking. When she drinks she gets mean, and I don't mean just a little cranky. She will pick fights that there seem to be no escape from. Try to be calm and not fight back? She gets meaner and angrier. Fight back? End up all clawed up or getting hair pulled out, or worse. Walk away and leave? Come home to find all your stuff busted up.

And its not even just the lies. Its the "turnaround" as well. The way when even if you catch them red-handed drinking after they promised, no matter how you handle it, friendly, angry, other, - you're the bad guy, not them! You end up in the doghouse for the next week, as if were you doing the lying/sneaking. You end up the one sitting alone while they end up blowing you off for days. Why can't they just say "I'm sorry hunny, I slipped up and had a drink, I couldn't help myself". No, its either lies, or "F##k off you're not my daddy", or worse (and I do mean worse).

Ok, sorry about the pity party, I just had to vent a little I guess.

There is a nice girl inside of her somewhere. I have seen her, and I remember her, although she comes around less and less anymore. What to do! I love this girl and don't want to give up on her, or the 11 invested years. I'm afraid one of these days she will get behind the wheel and kill herself, or someone else. Or one of these days end up killing me during one of her drunken violent rages. If I walk away, all I see happening is her drinking more. I don't want to walk away. I care about her and want to see her get well again! We were a happy family once.

I'm going to spend some time reading the forum and various resources here; I'm glad I found this site, I actually feel a little bit better already

Any insight or suggestions welcome.

Swanie

JNS:

Welcome to the forum. Glad you are here. Im sorry that your A's lies have hurt you. Unfortunately, they come packaged with the shame-based disease of alcoholism. My only solution is to realize that I am powerless over the addict in my life. The only thing I can do is take care of myself.

reader

Welcome!!! you have come to the right place for support and understanding. Many people have a story similar to yours. As far as mixing pills with alcohol, aside from being dangerous. The cancel each other out. One is an antidepressant, Alcohol is an depressant. I know of no medicine in this class of meds. that should be mixed with alcohol I am a nurse though Im a stay at home mom currently. That being said I would work on you. At one point, I feel into the warden role your describing. You can't control their drinking. It back fires and causes more stress onto you. Letting go of the control isn't easy. Do things for yourself, pick up a new hobby. Worrying about my husband was a full time job. Keep coming back and share your concerns. Your not alone!!!! Kerry

TexasGirl

Hi JNS,
I just wanted to say hello. There are so many knowledgeable people on this site. I'm afraid I am still in the learning process, much of it from this forum, so I don't have much to tell you. But I can say that almost all of us have been in similar situations, and therefore we understand.

CarolD

Carol here an alcoholic in AA recovery. Well...

Antabuse is not a anti depressant. She may be taking something else...but..

I doubt she is taking Antabuse. Probably dumping them out and replacing with aspirin!

It makes one deathly ill if you drink with it. I know of absolutely no one who did not become violently sick from the mixing of alcohol and Antabuse....including me.

It has an afterlife...stays in your body about 4/5 days days when you stop. You also get ill during that time if you drink.

Also..you begin with 1 pill of 500 mg in a few months you cut it in half. A few nore nonths again cut in half. 125 is the maintance dose you reach at about 6 months. one does not stay on Antabuse usually over a year.
Your doctor always checks your liver functions as you go.

Does Antabuse work? They were a deterant for me in early sobriety...then I quit taking them so I could drink again!

I hope you can find a way to have peace in your life...

wraybear

Yes, seems many of us are on the same exact boat! And, many of us feel or at least have felt we are at the end of our rope too!

My AH has taken antibuse on at least two different occassions over the past 9 years. He knew EXACTLY how long it would take to get out of his system before he could drink without getting sick. I believe it was around 36 hours. Sounds like she may not be taking them. I personally, didn't see the benefit. It was just another "game" to play. He even asked me to give him his pill every morning. Well, that worked for a few days - I prefer to not have to babysit him. He is an adult, he can take his own pill.

I hope you can find some time to read more about alcoholism. The lying is very common and I know it is hard to deal with. They are very sick individuals, and we, the spouses have become sick too. Reading about this will help you learn how to deal with this awful addiction in a healthier way for YOU! I have survived for 17 years with mine and it seems the only way to survive is to "turn off" any emotional attachment and even communications with them when they are "in" their disease.

Yes, that is also the nature of this beast called addiction. It is progressive, and if they continue in the addiction it gets worse and worse and those people we know are in there somewhere don't come out very often unless they seek help.

I am glad you are here! I hope you can find some peace and contentment in your life soon. It is a difficult way to live, but once you start your own healing process and start working on you, regardless of what she is doing, your life will become more manageable!

JNS77

Hello again,
First of all let me say thanks for all the kind words. Honestly I wasnt expecting this. What I get from friends and family is "just leave her" or "you can do better", or "why do you stay with her are you crazy?".

About the Antabuse, they are 250mg tablets, I pick them up at the pharmacy, and I give them to her (and watch her take them) daily. Perhaps they do make her sick, because if she's not up drinking she's in bed sick for days at a time.

I've already learned quite a bit from reading some of the posts here, I think I am going to seek out a local Al-anon meeting and go from there.

Sittinng alone all the time while she sleeps is really starting to wear me down. She went to her parents friday afternoon to run some errands, and when I picked her up she was toasted. She came home, went to bed and stayed in bed all weekend, getting up only to use the bathroom and grab a little food. I work from home and on average only sleep 4-5 hours a day, her on the other hand sleeps 12+ hours a day, if she bothers to get up all. Lonliness is a terrible thing and has been eating me up for quite some time now When she finally drags herself out of bed im sure she'll come up with any excuse to get out of the house (like going to run errands for her parents) so she can get lit up again And the whole thing starts over again...

She has been seeing a shrink (a free one through the county health dept.) for about 2 years (once every few months) and they have her on prosac. This has not seemed to help at all, and I'm pretty sure her doctor knows nothing about her drinking problem. Ive tried to contact her doctor several times but my calls are not returned. I have no idea what kind of story she lays on her doctor but if its anything like the whoppers she tells me...... who knows.

Anyway thanks again for the input everyone, hopefully I'll be able to find a local Al-anon meeting perhaps even this evening. I'll continue to read the valuable info provided here and let everyone know how it goes.

Thanks again.
-J

JT

J-

Make yourself at home here. Al Anon is an excellent plan. The plain truth is that there is not one thing you can do except make choices for yourself. I live with an alcoholic and I choose to stay because there is more good than bad. I am pretty sure that I would make a different choice if that were not the case.

Another plain truth is that nothing changes if nothing changes. My experience in Al Anon changed me. It changed the way I acted and helped me stop re-acting. When that happened the dynamic in my family also changed. My alcoholics still drink but my life is very liveable today.

Seek out Al Anon for yourself. We are affected by this family disease in ways that we are not even aware of. It wasn't until my own thinking got better that I was even able to make a sound decision about staying or going.

You can be married one day at a time.

You can always change your mind tomorrow.

JT

Pick-a-name

Hi; welcome.........glad you found us.

While getting "my bearings" I have spent alot of my lonely-time reading, and learning about this disease............it has really been helpful for me. Forums,too!

May I suggest you get a copy of "Under the Influence" by Dr. James Milam and the "Getting them Sober" books by Toby Rice Drews (also see her site: http://www.GettingThemSober.com). And don't "forget" a copy of the AA Big Book (I found mine at the Goodwill, but you can buy them at Borders,etc) Just a suggestion! Helps take a lot of the mystery out of things...at least for me.

Please, keep posting....your posts help us all,too! You are in good company here.

cwohio

JNS - welcome to our caring, supportive family here ar SR. read all you can about the disease - it's amazing what we think we know that we real don't about it! i grew up in an alcoholic home and married one and thought i "knew" - wrong!

lonely yes, but we can choose to sit and be lonely or get out and live our lives. isolation is part of the whole merry-go-round of this disease.

hugs - christie

pmaslan

JNS.....Welcome to SR...you will find you are not alone here. Unfortunately there are many people here going through or have been through what you are experiencing now. I know the lies an A can tell all too well. We have a saying here...."if their lips are moving they're lying." Part of the disease I'm afraid. Mine would lie to me sober or drunk. Keep reading and yes alanon is a great idea, it's the best thing you can do for yourself.
Love, Patty

Girlfriend

Hi JNS---- Welcome


You are certainly not alone on here! This is a great place to come and vent and ask questions and share thoughts. Alot of good people on here to try and help/support you. I don't know what I'd do without them!


I was on antibuse at one time. I didn't dare drink on it. I was told that my blood pressure could go so high that it may be lethal to mix the two. But, I have heard of A's that do know when the pill does wear off and it's safe to drink. They'll find any way to drink if they can.

Campral is a new drug out this year that is similar to antibuse, but not as dangerous. It's supposed to decrease the craving for alcohol. My xabf took that drug. 'Course, he still drank on it, so........it just all boils down to whether or not they wanna quit. If they don't....they won't and we can't control that.

The lying goes with the disease. A's (I've been sober 11 yrs) can tell lies better than the truth. AND, look you square in the eyes and say it. To try and figure out what and why an A does this or that, is to get into their world of drama and insanity.

Best thing to do is take care of yourself. It really is. I know that you're probably thinking "yeah, but I want to help her stop". You can't. She'll only stop when she wants to and not until then. We can think ourselves silly trying to think of ways to help stop the drinking, but it doesn't do any good.

So, you've got a need to take care of yourself.....focus on you and don't get pulled down into the whirlwind pool with the A.

Good luck and keep coming back!

wraybear

sounds like you are starting the road to recovery! hip hip hooray, meetings; reading; it's all good! Regarding lonliness, yes, I remember feeling very lonely. I got to a point where I didn't want to leave the house, afraid of what I would come home to. Afraid if I left he would drink more, afraid if he went somewhere by himself, he would drink more. A lightbulb went off a few years ago. It didn't matter what I did, HE WOULD DRINK MORE! So, I started living again. I started going to more events with my kids, (I used to drop them off and run back home as quickly as I could) I started going out with my girlfriends more often, and after a while, I began to feel healthier and stopped thinking he would drink less if I stayed home. This addiction made me sick too.
I hope you can find the strength to step out on faith and start living again! It will help with the loneliness.

Take care.

escape artist

thanks cw- even after all i have learned and read and re-read- these forums sometimes have the one little bit of information that jump out at me right when i need it. today- THIS is the one! thanks!