The roller coaster ride is making me sick....let me off.....

Old 11-09-2002, 08:27 AM
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The roller coaster ride is making me sick....let me off.....

Just when I thought everything is smooth sailing, I turn around and I'm back in the amusement park.

I read someone's post the other day and it made me start doubting myself again. Whether or not I'm making the right decisions.

Maybe I gave up to easily on my ex A. I know he doesn't every do what he says he's going to do but maybe if I offered him support he could. Maybe that's all he needs is a little help and support from me. Is that true? Wow, I can't believe after all this time I thinking like this again. He's so depressed - if I would give him another chance and let him come home maybe he will be the amn I always hoped he'd be. Is that wishful thinking? Am I back in the fantasy world?

I still find myself shying away from the truth when he asks me a question because i don't want to hurt his feelings. Can two people ever really go back? I know you can't go back I mean can you really pick up the pieces and learn trust, respect, and have faith in them again after so much? Maybe that's what I'm afraid of the most. Taking him back and me realizing that I don't even know or like this person anymore, maybe i never did. Then what, I got my childrens hope up that their parents are back together just to rip it away again.

I'm soooo confused. Why now, is it the holiday's, coming up? I think alot of times, I sell myself short. waiting is not one of my better virtues. I guess I really need to work on that!!! I need serious help!!!

Love,
Galnva
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Old 11-09-2002, 09:04 AM
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Hi Gal!

I have never "given up" on Dino, but I once had to give up the notion that I could stand having him around while he got good and ready to straighten up. Keeping yourself in the middle of the chaos is not support, it's collusion. Support is "you can do it", and it can be done over the safety of the telephone.

As to whether the trust can come back... I dunno. Dino is beginning a new phase... employed, housed and as far as I can tell, sober. I spend a lot of time with my eyes squinched and my hands clasped muttering "oh please, oh please, oh please....". Believing it's possible doesn't mean you don't need evidence of a sustained sort to believe that it has happened.

You can't save someone else from drowning if you're going down yourself. Don't kick yourself for getting out of the water.

Hugs,
Smoke
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Old 11-09-2002, 09:59 AM
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Gal,
Man, can I top Smokes reply? Noooooo.....

Geeze, Don't you hate it when you run away with your thoughts? I know because I do it too. I read some posts sometimes and think the same thing, "Well maybe I didn't give him enough chances, Maybe I didn't listen when he really needed me because of my anger and resentment." But, I finally had to learn as smoke said to jump out of the water. Now as everyone knows I still have had contact with him yes, intimately yes and emotionally. But...it was still at a comfortable distance. I have my space now....it is safe and good for my daughter and I. It took me years to get my head on right enough to do it...and I am here now and do not want to budge.

You said it right when you talked about your children....it would be ripping it all away if you happen to find yourself back at square one again. God only knows how many times I did that to my daughter and esp to myself.

You can do what is best for you....I know you can. It's been a long road up until now, you can choose to do nothing. Sometimes that is a comfortable spot.

You know I'm here for you...

Love ya!
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Old 11-09-2002, 01:01 PM
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Hi,

Don't ever forget that you cannot do a thing for him. And what Smoke said fits what I am doing right now with the Beav.

I once had to give up the notion that I could stand having him around while he got good and ready to straighten up. Keeping yourself in the middle of the chaos is not support, it's collusion. Support is "you can do it", and it can be done over the safety of the telephone.
There are ways to be supportive without compromising yourself. And if after every encounter with him you find yourself feeling guilty, you are probably being manipulated! I just learned that one myself and I am an old broad...you are doing great!

Hugs,
JT
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Old 11-09-2002, 02:07 PM
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Galnva

Ditto to all the above and just want to add one big hug from me **********{GAL}}}}}.

Sometimes we just have to do what feels right, but it is usually best if we wait 10 minutes and do it with our helmets on. And don't unlace the Nikes.

My prayers are with you.
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Old 11-10-2002, 06:21 AM
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******{Gal}}}}}

Nothing to add to the above. Just wanted to send hugs to you from me.

Hang in there!!

Many hugs.
Love,
Debbie
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Old 11-10-2002, 12:10 PM
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Hi Everybody and Gal

I am going through alot of the same feelings. .again. .beating myself because my family is so torn apart with addiction and bad behavior. I am "shoulding" myself all over the place and dragging my self down the tubes with it.

"I should have. .been a better mother." ".I should have been kinder." ".should have paid closer attention". I know when I start thinking and feeling like that I am believing I have control over others.. but. .it does creep in. .

And talk about manipulation. .My daughter called from jail last night crying and complaining the she is "all broken out on her face. .can't hardly talk cause it hurts so much." Plus she has an ear infection or psoriasis (it can really cause problems with your ears. .and she does have that. .it flares up under stress.) I couldn't bear to hear all this so I handed off the phone to my husband to listen for awhile.

I really don't know what to say to her cause I do feel bad for her but she is there because she broke the law and as I have said before I am glad she is there rather than out on the streets using.

Then I get back on the phone and she says "Sorry this is so hard for you. Mom ." Stab. .stab . .It is hard. .to listen to her complaints. .but she was seen by the nurse at the jail and she was given ear drops. etc.

My thinking is that she just really tries to manipulate me into getting her a lawyer and getting her released. Plus we do send her a little money for commissary and of course she didn't get that this week????? .I even thought of going down to the jail (an hour away) this morning and putting money into her account so she could have commissary . .but. .got out the Codependent No More book and started reading and taking back some of my power.

So. .that is my story.

Blessings to all Mo
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Old 11-10-2002, 12:33 PM
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(((((((((((GAl))))))))))))))))))

I am giving you a helmet to put on your head to protect yourself from you right now... I think you are really being hard on yourself right now... The great Morning Glory once told me (I was doing the same thing you are doing) that you always did the BEST that you could do... . We always think we could of done things differently when we see them in hindsight but you know what WE did only the BEST of what we could do....

Do something nice for you today... You did what is right for you... I am sending you many hugs your way...

Your friend... Clowie
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Old 11-10-2002, 02:56 PM
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Galnva,
I can really relate to your situation. Mine contacted me recently after 2 yrs apart, sending an email saying "I really messed up my life 2 yrs ago. Can I get out of "time out" now and come home please?" I can honestly say it put a hole right thru me. I felt confused, and angry, and undecided and hopeless and helpless and all of those things rolled into one.

I was able to do a few things: I called my sponsor, I prayed, and I chose to NOT respond to him. I am truly better off without him, and he has to travel his own journey towards recovery and healing. We were toxic together, and as a long as I can keep it in those simple terms, then I can stay off of the carnival rides of IF ONLY I HAD.... and WELL MAYBE IF I DID THIS, THEN...

It's better for the kids, its better for me. I don't know whether or not its better for him, but that's up to him and his own Higher Power to decide.

I hope this helps. We live with the shrapnel of a very destructive disease. It's a tornado, and it affects every single part of our lives even when we stand back a bit!

HUGS
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Old 11-10-2002, 05:12 PM
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Angry jail

Originally posted by mo
Hi Everybody and Gal

I am going through alot of the same feelings. .again. .beating myself because my family is so torn apart with addiction and bad behavior. I am "shoulding" myself all over the place and dragging my self down the tubes with it.

"I should have. .been a better mother." ".I should have been kinder." ".should have paid closer attention". I know when I start thinking and feeling like that I am believing I have control over others.. but. .it does creep in. .

And talk about manipulation. .My daughter called from jail last night crying and complaining the she is "all broken out on her face. .can't hardly talk cause it hurts so much." Plus she has an ear infection or psoriasis (it can really cause problems with your ears. .and she does have that. .it flares up under stress.) I couldn't bear to hear all this so I handed off the phone to my husband to listen for awhile.

I really don't know what to say to her cause I do feel bad for her but she is there because she broke the law and as I have said before I am glad she is there rather than out on the streets using.

Then I get back on the phone and she says "Sorry this is so hard for you. Mom ." Stab. .stab . .It is hard. .to listen to her complaints. .but she was seen by the nurse at the jail and she was given ear drops. etc.

My thinking is that she just really tries to manipulate me into getting her a lawyer and getting her released. Plus we do send her a little money for commissary and of course she didn't get that this week????? .I even thought of going down to the jail (an hour away) this morning and putting money into her account so she could have commissary . .but. .got out the Codependent No More book and started reading and taking back some of my power.

So. .that is my story.

Blessings to all Mo


Hi Mo:

Again I can relate to your story...listen to this. My son was in prison. When they transferred him there from jail I cried so much that I couldn't open my eyes the next day. He went to San Quentin and was there for about 2 months. While there, he was locked up 23 hours a day. I prayed he could call me and let me know how he was. Well then he got out of there and was transferred to a honor camp where he spent the next 4 years. I sent him packages that took a lot of time because they have to be just so weigh so much be wrapped just right, etc. I took jobs cleaning houses to pay for all the extras. I put money on his books at least once a month. Sometimes 70.00 most times 50.00. He would call me all the time. He talked me right into getting 3 way calling so he could talk to his "girlfriend" at the time. I, like a fool did all this stuff for him running up phone bills to over 200.00 a month with all the calls to me and three-way calling. I would drive 3 hours to see him. Once there was such a bad storm I got totally lost and turned around and took hours to get back home. Then he got out and wow what a changed guy, lasted almost 2 years. He was doing so good I was so proud that I had hung in there and could say to everyone "I told you so". Well, then he got violated for drugs and when to jail first for three weeks and then was transferred back to San Quentin. When he was in jail he broke out with some contagious infection and he told me they wouldn't let him see the nurse. Do you know what I did? I called the warden!!! Talk about total codependent!!! The next day he told me they took care of the problem. I'll never know if it was because of my compaint, but it certainly wasn't the first time I've called whomever to make his life easier. Forget mine!! Crazy! because once he got back home he forgot all I did and just kept and still does expect me to do for him. Not only does he expect me to do for him but everyone else. My husband will not even talk to him anymore because of all the chances he gave him. Yet, I cannot seem to get it through my head to let him go. I guess the moral of the story here is, many times I thought I wished I had not made him so comfortable while he was in jail. I wished I had set limits such as limiting phone calls, packages, sending paper, pencils, and sending it express mail, so he wouldn't ever be without..not to mention stamps. I've spent so much money I could have put him through college instead of jail!! Yet, I still do it! I found this site and am hoping I will start getting strong. I say let them suffer perhaps they won't go back a second time! Stay strong....I'm trying!:signed, Devastated
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Old 11-10-2002, 07:17 PM
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Hi Devastated

Thanks for sharing your experience. I know what you mean by not wanting them to do without. My daughter has told me over and over again that the only thing to look forward to in jail is commissary day. She tells me she is hungry and cold. It is hard to listen to. Should I just say "hmm." "hmm". ???.I don't want to hear it not because I am cold-hearted. .it just doesn't mean anything in the context of my daughter being out on the street doing tricks to get drugs. Anything is better than that. and in some ways I guess I am selfish cause I feel a whole lot better with her locked away.

So I am going through a rough time. Thought I could get off my anti-depressant. Use exercise and positive thinking to straighten out my life along with minimal use of the program. .and here I am just full of bitchiness and ugly behavior myself.

So. .I will just keep on keeping on. going to a live meeting Thursday and reading my ODAT book and reading all the posts here that give me strength and hope that I can live a fairly content life.

Blessings Mo
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Old 11-11-2002, 02:46 PM
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Jail

Originally posted by mo
Hi Devastated

Thanks for sharing your experience. I know what you mean by not wanting them to do without. My daughter has told me over and over again that the only thing to look forward to in jail is commissary day. She tells me she is hungry and cold. It is hard to listen to. Should I just say "hmm." "hmm". ???.I don't want to hear it not because I am cold-hearted. .it just doesn't mean anything in the context of my daughter being out on the street doing tricks to get drugs. Anything is better than that. and in some ways I guess I am selfish cause I feel a whole lot better with her locked away.

So I am going through a rough time. Thought I could get off my anti-depressant. Use exercise and positive thinking to straighten out my life along with minimal use of the program. .and here I am just full of bitchiness and ugly behavior myself.

So. .I will just keep on keeping on. going to a live meeting Thursday and reading my ODAT book and reading all the posts here that give me strength and hope that I can live a fairly content life.

Blessings Mo

Hi Mo:

Yes, I know exactly what you mean about feeling better with them locked away. At least you could sleep at night knowing that they were ok (I guess). Well, stay tough, don't send too much on the books...let her suffer a little because if you do what I did they know that Mom will take care of them if they go back, so no big deal! It's easy for me to say I know but, I've made up my mind if mine goes back Ill set big limits...money on the books maybe 20.00 once a month only! If that! How much time is she looking at? Try and be happy that's what I do...it's really hard right? I see my sister and her four boys and they're all great! Makes me so jealous! It's like I can't be happy for anyone that's happy and that's really horrible. No wonder bad things happen to me! Hang in there with me....Love Devastated
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Old 11-11-2002, 07:07 PM
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I have to say thank you to you all,

I had a minor relapse myself...I was thinking about bringing the Beav home after rehab. It would be awful. It would put my marrage at risk...and I had myself half convinced that it would be worth it. It didn't take very many words of wisdom to shake me out of it

I had a thought...I may keep a list of what I HAVE done and keep it handy so that when he starts with the mnipulation, and I start buying into it, I can whip out my list and read it and get some strength. When I see what I have done with his voice still echoing in my mind it makes me angry. And maybe, just maybe that anger is what I need to stay strong for the moment.

Hugs,
JT
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Old 11-12-2002, 06:18 AM
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Having done all--STAND

Hey JT

I understand about using your list as a reminder to yourself of all you hv done to hlp him. If this helps you to follow thru then I would use it but I hope tht you will not share this evidence with him. Why? Bec I feel if you do you are falling into the trap of defending your actions. There are some quotes from this board tht hv helped me in dealing with my daughters addiction and the
quacking she does -although in her case she doesn't do alot of blaming me but she does knw how to pull on my heart strings.
Heres a few of the quotes tht hv helped me in my journey and I hope tht they will help you too and tht one day they will be imprinted on your heart and soul and you won't need the evidence list anymore.

From An A ---We will say anything to get you to do wht we wnt you to do And Guilt is our strongest weapon.

Pls keep this in mind You are not doing anything to your son. He did it to himself. You finally set some personal boundaries for acceptable behavior and he crossed the line. Tht ws his choice and his perogative but he shouldn't expect to hv his cake and eat it too. they call and dump all their problems on us but they aren't willling to do anything about them I finally told my son tht i would not listen anymore If he needed help then go get it If he ws not willing to get help then I ws not willing to listen.

Your son seems to be taking inventory of everyone's faults except his own Don't buy into it. Wht flaws must I hav tht he could treat me this way An A's ruler is nothing to measure yourself by. And finally this last quote I AM SO DONE WITH JUSTIFYING MY EVERY MOVE! I don't remember the names of all the people who posted the above but I put their words in my journal as reminders to me and I changed the pronoun to she as I hv a daughter to personalize it for me It helped to bring it home
I knw they helped me tremendously I hope tht they help you to JT
Now put on some Glady's Knight music How about" I've got to use my Imagination "for some inspiration for the day ahead.
Hugs and prayers to keep on keeping on!
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