I'm new
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Conestoga, PA
Posts: 4
I'm new
I am new to all this and having a hard time. I am trying to work up the nerve to go to an Al-Anon meeting here locally but my schedule is hectic and I guess to be completely honest I am nervous, scared, and don't know 'wheretostart'. I thought this may be a good place to start, so here I am.
I have been with my husband for 6 years and he was completely sober for 91/2 years, about 2 years ago he started drinking occasionally and then started smoking pot. To make a long story short, 2 days ago I had to drop him off at a rehab center, and I guess while I know that he really needs this, I am angry. I feel like he has abandoned me and our three year old daughter. We have never been apart before this and I am really having a hard time with it. I don't know what to do to help and I feel overwhelmed. I work third shift, am currently working 6 days a week, and he come home one day and tells me he is going into rehab the next day, leaving me to work my hectic schedule while trying to care for our three year old, 2 dogs, a cat, 2 hamsters, a dozen fish, and do all the household chores. I guess I should mention that he was not working and was my only means of babysitting.
I want him to get sober and clean again, and I want to help but have no idea what to do. And how can I help if I am so angry?
I have been with my husband for 6 years and he was completely sober for 91/2 years, about 2 years ago he started drinking occasionally and then started smoking pot. To make a long story short, 2 days ago I had to drop him off at a rehab center, and I guess while I know that he really needs this, I am angry. I feel like he has abandoned me and our three year old daughter. We have never been apart before this and I am really having a hard time with it. I don't know what to do to help and I feel overwhelmed. I work third shift, am currently working 6 days a week, and he come home one day and tells me he is going into rehab the next day, leaving me to work my hectic schedule while trying to care for our three year old, 2 dogs, a cat, 2 hamsters, a dozen fish, and do all the household chores. I guess I should mention that he was not working and was my only means of babysitting.
I want him to get sober and clean again, and I want to help but have no idea what to do. And how can I help if I am so angry?
Supply Manager
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
Welcome,
Your thoughts about Alanon are right on. And I know that anyhting new makes us nrevous, but if you can muster the courage the first time I am sure you will not regret it. Also I bet they will have some family sessions at the facilty where he is.
You have been living with a sober and now active alcoholic for some time and you are bound to be affected. Alanon teaches ways to have a peaceful heart in the midst of a storm.
You can't be blamed for being angry..I would feel angry too. But keep in mind that he is seeking help for what he knows is a problem. I am not saying that to make you feel guilty for your anger...it is merely a fact. One small thing at a time, one day at a time make a plan on whet you will do while he is gone. Try to stay away from looking at "the rest of your life" or even the next 30 or 90 days while he is away. One day...small bites of time is all you need concern yourself with right now. Ane trust me..it wiil all work out...one way or another.
Come back and let us know how you are,
JT
Your thoughts about Alanon are right on. And I know that anyhting new makes us nrevous, but if you can muster the courage the first time I am sure you will not regret it. Also I bet they will have some family sessions at the facilty where he is.
You have been living with a sober and now active alcoholic for some time and you are bound to be affected. Alanon teaches ways to have a peaceful heart in the midst of a storm.
You can't be blamed for being angry..I would feel angry too. But keep in mind that he is seeking help for what he knows is a problem. I am not saying that to make you feel guilty for your anger...it is merely a fact. One small thing at a time, one day at a time make a plan on whet you will do while he is gone. Try to stay away from looking at "the rest of your life" or even the next 30 or 90 days while he is away. One day...small bites of time is all you need concern yourself with right now. Ane trust me..it wiil all work out...one way or another.
Come back and let us know how you are,
JT
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I want to welcome you also.
Look at it this way - you already lost him to alcohol/drugs, so losing him to a stint in rehab is a good thing, not a bad thing. If you read the posts here, you will see how often we jump up and down with excitement when our A's finally go to rehab.
This is a time for you to build your own strength, and going to Al-Anon is a good start. We're all nervous our first time, but they are just like you and will welcome you with open arms.
Your husband's real recovery will being when rehab is over - when he learned to live in the real world without a substance. It would help you both if you had some recovery under your belt too.
My prayers are with you both.
Look at it this way - you already lost him to alcohol/drugs, so losing him to a stint in rehab is a good thing, not a bad thing. If you read the posts here, you will see how often we jump up and down with excitement when our A's finally go to rehab.
This is a time for you to build your own strength, and going to Al-Anon is a good start. We're all nervous our first time, but they are just like you and will welcome you with open arms.
Your husband's real recovery will being when rehab is over - when he learned to live in the real world without a substance. It would help you both if you had some recovery under your belt too.
My prayers are with you both.
I used to work here ;)
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: I live in Trevose, PA & collect Barbies :)
Posts: 2,024
Welcome wheretostart!
JT covered it all. This is a great place to start. The people here are kind and full of support, knowing exactly what you are going thru.
Please keep coming back and if you can, get to an al-anon meeting.
Many hugs,
Debbie
JT covered it all. This is a great place to start. The people here are kind and full of support, knowing exactly what you are going thru.
Please keep coming back and if you can, get to an al-anon meeting.
Many hugs,
Debbie
Member
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: California
Posts: 329
Welcome aboard wheretostart!!
Your feeling of anger is a natural reaction. I have been married for 25yrs. to my husband who has a drinking problem. I still have times of feeling extremely angry at him but over the years have learned to cope better with the whole situation. The fact that your husband is in rehab is a very positive step! My husband never thought he needed anything like that. He feels that his problem is not as BAD as alot of other people that drink too much.
He needs to heal and you do too. You are overwhelmed now but it will get easier. Take care of you!! You are important and don't forget that. Coming here is a good place to start. Alot of times I am so busy and everything is so crazy I feel I should be cleaning or doing something around the house and I will come here and read and feel better. Try to attend a meeting, but if you are unable to right now coming here is great.
My prayers are with you both! There is alot of strength that you can find from praying.
Take care,
matters
Your feeling of anger is a natural reaction. I have been married for 25yrs. to my husband who has a drinking problem. I still have times of feeling extremely angry at him but over the years have learned to cope better with the whole situation. The fact that your husband is in rehab is a very positive step! My husband never thought he needed anything like that. He feels that his problem is not as BAD as alot of other people that drink too much.
He needs to heal and you do too. You are overwhelmed now but it will get easier. Take care of you!! You are important and don't forget that. Coming here is a good place to start. Alot of times I am so busy and everything is so crazy I feel I should be cleaning or doing something around the house and I will come here and read and feel better. Try to attend a meeting, but if you are unable to right now coming here is great.
My prayers are with you both! There is alot of strength that you can find from praying.
Take care,
matters
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Conestoga, PA
Posts: 4
Thank you all for your input. The good news is that I was talking to a teenage girl that I work with and she has offered to help with babysitting so I can continue to work, and she is willing to do it without getting paid, of course I will give her what I can. And even better than that, her mother goes to Al-Anon meetings and is going to go to one with me Monday night, so I will have the hardest one under my belt, I really believe if I get to the first one and meet some people it will be much easier to go to more. I think the thing that worried me most was not knowing anyone there, even though I don't know this lady it will be someone I am arriving with so I will not feel so alone.
Does anyone have any suggestions on good reading materials related to this? I am now reading my husbands AA big book but I thought maybe there were others out there that are more from the family perspective. I would appreciate any input.
So I believe some things are starting to come together for me, now I need start eating and sleeping again, I haven't eaten since I found this all out on Wed.
I think that the thing that worries me most about all this is, he told me before that if he ever got sober we would end up divorced because he wouldn't be able to stand me. Of course, he was quite messed up at the time. He also told me that a lot of marriages fall apart during recovery, is this true?
Again, thank you all for your input, it is very helpful.
Does anyone have any suggestions on good reading materials related to this? I am now reading my husbands AA big book but I thought maybe there were others out there that are more from the family perspective. I would appreciate any input.
So I believe some things are starting to come together for me, now I need start eating and sleeping again, I haven't eaten since I found this all out on Wed.
I think that the thing that worries me most about all this is, he told me before that if he ever got sober we would end up divorced because he wouldn't be able to stand me. Of course, he was quite messed up at the time. He also told me that a lot of marriages fall apart during recovery, is this true?
Again, thank you all for your input, it is very helpful.
I used to work here ;)
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: I live in Trevose, PA & collect Barbies :)
Posts: 2,024
Hi Wheretostart
Its amazing how things fall into place when they need to. Great news about the babysitting and finding a friend to go to a meeting with you!!
I wouldn't try to figure out the future right now. Take baby steps and things will fall into place as they should. Start taking care of you and your kids, don't worry about his recovery right now, work on your own
As for the reading material. The ladies rave about Co-dependend No More by Melody Beattie and of course when you go to the meeting they will have a lot of free material you big up there and they also have books you can buy there. I would suggest going to the local library and checking out some books there, see if you like them and then if you want to invest in them; see if they sell them at your meeting.
I wish you the best with every thing. My thoughts and prayers and with you and your family. Keep your chin up and please try to eat something and get some sleep.
Many hugs.
Debbie
Its amazing how things fall into place when they need to. Great news about the babysitting and finding a friend to go to a meeting with you!!
I wouldn't try to figure out the future right now. Take baby steps and things will fall into place as they should. Start taking care of you and your kids, don't worry about his recovery right now, work on your own
As for the reading material. The ladies rave about Co-dependend No More by Melody Beattie and of course when you go to the meeting they will have a lot of free material you big up there and they also have books you can buy there. I would suggest going to the local library and checking out some books there, see if you like them and then if you want to invest in them; see if they sell them at your meeting.
I wish you the best with every thing. My thoughts and prayers and with you and your family. Keep your chin up and please try to eat something and get some sleep.
Many hugs.
Debbie
No More Mrs. Nice Guy
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: Iowa
Posts: 724
Hi!
As for books, I would also recommend a 2nd hand bookstore such as Half Priced books. I have found most of Melodie Beatty's stuff there DIRT CHEAP as well as lots of Al Anon and AA books too.
Honestly, the best reading you will do is here on these forums. There is so much wisdom and kindness and experience and hope posted daily. The people here understand as perhaps few others can... we have walked in your shoes, we have lived in your house, we have felt your pain, dealt with your family, tried to pay bills with your limited funds and irresponsible partner etc etc ETC. We have our own experiences, but we have lots of common bonds. Most of all, we have learned that this is a safe place to vent, to share, to laugh, to cry and to GROW, one day at a time.
Keep coming back. We look forward to learning more about you!
HUGS
Osier59
As for books, I would also recommend a 2nd hand bookstore such as Half Priced books. I have found most of Melodie Beatty's stuff there DIRT CHEAP as well as lots of Al Anon and AA books too.
Honestly, the best reading you will do is here on these forums. There is so much wisdom and kindness and experience and hope posted daily. The people here understand as perhaps few others can... we have walked in your shoes, we have lived in your house, we have felt your pain, dealt with your family, tried to pay bills with your limited funds and irresponsible partner etc etc ETC. We have our own experiences, but we have lots of common bonds. Most of all, we have learned that this is a safe place to vent, to share, to laugh, to cry and to GROW, one day at a time.
Keep coming back. We look forward to learning more about you!
HUGS
Osier59
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Conestoga, PA
Posts: 4
Wow it seems like such a lot has happened in the two days since I wrote here the last time. I slept for 1 hr that morning then got up and drove the 2 hours to visit him in rehab because everyone said he would need my support. I expected a scene but we talked like we haven't talked in monthes and I left there feeling like a teenager because he held my hand, that hasn't happened in years. I guess that sounds kind of stupid coming from a grown adult. I know not to get my hopes up but he wants to stay as long as it takes to get better, the funny thing is he expected a scene too and even asked them to keep a close eye on us. I don't think it is him that has changed as much as I have from the little bit of time I have spent reading the posts on this board and reading the big book, I am aware there were things that I was doing that contributed to his need to "escape." What you need to remember is he was sober for 4 years when we met and I did not know anything about his problem, as far as how to deal with it. I didn't even want him to go to rehab, how silly was that?
I attended my first Al-Anon meeting here locally last night and believe it or not even decided to share, through my tears. But the topic they chose last night was gratitude and I thought when they started there is no way I can talk because I have nothing to be grateful for right now, by the time it came to be my turn in the small group, only about 10 people, I realized that I had a lot to be grateful for including the fact that my husband wanted to go to rehab and not put me through anymore pain, and the fact that although I don't want to be away from my three year old I have family who are going to keep her for this week and maybe next until I come up with a real plan. I am also grateful to those of you on this board who have taken the time to respond to me and give me some hope. I am going to make it through this because I want to and I am a strong person. That meeting which only lasted an hour left me feeling more refreshed than a whole weeks worth of sleep would have and I know now what I need to do both for myself, my daughters, and my A. He knows what he needs to do because he has been there before and did not have a family that was waiting on him, and he was sober for 9 1/2 years that time. He will make it through this program and he will have a stronger, better informed, and supportive wife to help him when he gets out. He can take care of his end and I now know what mine is, so I can take care of it.
The funny thing is I work in a hotel and last night when I went to work after that meeting the police department called me and asked if I could help and woman and her son whose druken husband was being abusive, and I just knew although it wasn't much that I needed to reduce the rate so she could get away from him for the night. Although my boss may not like how much I reduced it he will understand, so I guess I needed to go to that meeting and get the support from it so I would in some small way be able to help this lady.
And by the way, although I still have not gotten much sleep I have eaten now.
I look forward to any feedback that you may have for me. I am new to this but I am determined and I will get through. And for some reason I truly believe that I will come out on the other end with my husband and a much stronger and loving marriage because of it.
I love hearing from all of you so please let me know what you think.
Love,
WTS
I attended my first Al-Anon meeting here locally last night and believe it or not even decided to share, through my tears. But the topic they chose last night was gratitude and I thought when they started there is no way I can talk because I have nothing to be grateful for right now, by the time it came to be my turn in the small group, only about 10 people, I realized that I had a lot to be grateful for including the fact that my husband wanted to go to rehab and not put me through anymore pain, and the fact that although I don't want to be away from my three year old I have family who are going to keep her for this week and maybe next until I come up with a real plan. I am also grateful to those of you on this board who have taken the time to respond to me and give me some hope. I am going to make it through this because I want to and I am a strong person. That meeting which only lasted an hour left me feeling more refreshed than a whole weeks worth of sleep would have and I know now what I need to do both for myself, my daughters, and my A. He knows what he needs to do because he has been there before and did not have a family that was waiting on him, and he was sober for 9 1/2 years that time. He will make it through this program and he will have a stronger, better informed, and supportive wife to help him when he gets out. He can take care of his end and I now know what mine is, so I can take care of it.
The funny thing is I work in a hotel and last night when I went to work after that meeting the police department called me and asked if I could help and woman and her son whose druken husband was being abusive, and I just knew although it wasn't much that I needed to reduce the rate so she could get away from him for the night. Although my boss may not like how much I reduced it he will understand, so I guess I needed to go to that meeting and get the support from it so I would in some small way be able to help this lady.
And by the way, although I still have not gotten much sleep I have eaten now.
I look forward to any feedback that you may have for me. I am new to this but I am determined and I will get through. And for some reason I truly believe that I will come out on the other end with my husband and a much stronger and loving marriage because of it.
I love hearing from all of you so please let me know what you think.
Love,
WTS
Southern through and through
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: In.....trouble :-)
Posts: 1,453
Wheretostart,
Wow! Look at the progress you have made in JUST THE PAST FEW DAYS!!!! I don't even know you, but I am so happy for you.
I'm also relatively new to this board and dealing with my daughter, the A in my life. But I've read enough here to know this board is a source of support. And I'm SO glad you made that Al Anon meeting. Keep it up. It will only help you get stronger as you go through each day.
Wish I had more time to write encouraging words to you, but darn it, real life calls and I have to get to work!
Just hang in there, gal, and keep us posted. I don't know about you, but coming to this board and reading the posts lets me know I am not alone. It's just one more way to encourage me and let me know I CAN survive all this.
Wow! Look at the progress you have made in JUST THE PAST FEW DAYS!!!! I don't even know you, but I am so happy for you.
I'm also relatively new to this board and dealing with my daughter, the A in my life. But I've read enough here to know this board is a source of support. And I'm SO glad you made that Al Anon meeting. Keep it up. It will only help you get stronger as you go through each day.
Wish I had more time to write encouraging words to you, but darn it, real life calls and I have to get to work!
Just hang in there, gal, and keep us posted. I don't know about you, but coming to this board and reading the posts lets me know I am not alone. It's just one more way to encourage me and let me know I CAN survive all this.
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