It's No Wonder

Old 08-03-2005, 09:13 AM
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It's No Wonder

I work in a very service intensive industry - part of my job is customer service and it never ceases to amaze me how many parents "enable" their children by doing things that should clearly be the childs responsibility. For example I had a call today from a mother who's son graduated from college last spring (2004) and he doesn't have a "real" job yet - he does odd jobs so his parents are paying all his bills for him. He decided he is going to go to Colorado for awhile and then to Hawaii - probably 3-6 months in both places and then may come home and look for a job. Well, mother was calling to make sure his insurance is in line for him because they told him he can do this but he needs to make sure his insurance is in line. Well since he never made the call she called to make sure. Okay so sonny graduated from COLLEGE last year and Mommy still has to make sure he is taken care of??? And I get this all the time. I deal more with mothers of young college graduates than I deal with the children themselves. No wonder we have so many kids with problems - if they are never made to take responsibility for themselves how will they ever learn. I'm a mother and my son is still very young but I hope I will raise him well enough to be able to take care of himself.
Sorry for the vent - it's just one of those days I guess.
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Old 08-03-2005, 09:23 AM
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amen to that benefits - it's like the old adage about the child learning to walk and every time he falls - someone picking him back up. i totally agree that it seems more prevalent today. i'm glad i didn't have parents like that!
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Old 08-03-2005, 09:26 AM
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I hear you. Sometimes I think that is where my H went wrong. He always got every little thing he wanted from his parents, and never had any responsibilities. Then he turns into an addicted mess when he ages, but can't quite "grow up". I am making a point to raise my child exactly the opposite. I mean, I love my h's parents to death, but what were they thinking?!?
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Old 08-03-2005, 09:37 AM
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My parents would have never let me pull a stunt like that. My husband's Mom is a different story! She preached "tough love" and then would turn around and bail him out of everything. My impression is that this happen because of her guilt for the garbage they were exposed to (3 failed marriages, alcohol abuse, physical abuse, sexual abuse, etc). I think some of her guilt was, and is, doled out by my husband. He blames her for his "rotten childhood" and in turn, now expects her to bend over backwards for him.

It's quite different for me towards my parents. I have alot of acceptance for them and the way they handled parenting. They by no means were model parents, and there was certainly alot of dysfunction, but they did the best they could. Now it's my turn to take the torch and run with it. It's my life, and it's my responsibility to make it the best it can be.

As the expression goes, the buck stops here.
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Old 08-03-2005, 09:41 AM
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Doing for someone that they should do for themselves is stealing thier self esteem.
But, she needs to feel needed, doesnt she. Sad.
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Old 08-03-2005, 09:59 AM
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I've met 18 yr olds who didn't know how to use a tin opener!!

I also stayed with a friend at her parents for a couple of nights - after we had eaten the tea her Mum had cooked (seperately for us) she got up to leave and left the plates on the table!! She was 20+!!!! I remember saying there was no way I was going to leave them for her Mum to pick up and she didn't know what was wrong with that. In fairness to her she helped clean them away and said she'd just never thought about it because it had always been that way!

And..... you don't even want to get me onto some of the rich brats I met working with horses! There's nothing more ugly than some kid screaming they need a new pony because they hate the one they have.

I don't mind the kids (or teenagers) because they are usually alright if you tell them how it is, but the parents that spoil them go beyond what I can understand.
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Old 08-03-2005, 10:21 AM
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Our home was near the middle school.......so when my kids were that age many of those children were here after school because they had to fend for themselves.......either no one cared; or often, single mother working to support children abandoned by alcoholic/addict parent. Some of their stories are terrible. I often had them here waiting for a ride;someplace to stay. Most of them have never learned manners, etc........just because no one taught them. I found many of them to become quite delightful with just a little care and someone to show them. It is had to expect children to learn things from parents who do not know themselves how to "behave". Just wanted to throw that in!
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Old 08-03-2005, 10:47 AM
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tough one

This on is a tough one for me! It sounds like your describing my brother (the A in my life) BUT I'm not sure if he doesn't do things because he doesn't know how(when he was sober he was very smart) or because he's just not motivated enough to!!! We both grew up in the house with the same loving family, couldn't ask for more. And the theory "if you need it you will never go without, but if you simply want it you are going to work for it" taken care of, but not spoiled.....And we are as different as night & day!!! I think it's just the disease that keeps him from taking care of himself, not necessarily the upbringing......mom, God bless her, plays "cushion" and hey, when falling flat on your face doesn't hurt as bad as it should, why would you want to leave your cushion behind?? and have to feel the full effects of falling face first directly on the concrete at full speed!!

Thank God, for all the good parents out there who still believe in teaching kids how to do things for themselves!! Imagine, if every child was spoiled and spoiled some more, eventually there wouldn't be anybody left who knew how to do anything!
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Old 08-03-2005, 10:50 AM
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I work with one of the most enabling parents I have ever seen. She has 3 children and last year the oldest got a girl pregnant. This is after he dropped out of art college and she had to drive to Georgia to bring him home and then lie to get his tuition money back. The girl already had an 18 month old child, didn't work and was on welfare. So they get married and he quits his job to start his own business. She borrowed all the money to help him get his business started and would then complain that she only had $2.00 in her checking account. She still has 2 children at home, 1 home from college and the other just graduated. Last week she said she had 17 (yes 17) loads of laundry to do. I said "you mean that "R" (18 yo daughter) can't do laundry". She replied, "well, she can but I have to do it a certain way". In her case, I think it's all about the control she feels she has to have over everything. Alrighty then!!! Glad it's not me.
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Old 08-03-2005, 11:29 AM
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Dated a few guys (A's and non As) that their moms still did alot of stuff for them into their late 20s and 30s..

My mom is a sick woman..when she couldn't control me the way she wanted, she threw me out of the house after college..Changed the locks and put my stuff in garbage bags on the street..I can't even remember what our fight was about..something trivial..

Today I am grateful for that..because at 21 I was homeless (I stayed with people) but I learned how to completely take care of myself. I'm a survivor!
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